Shouta M

moved

2009-11-04T21:21:00.002Z

http://shoutaisback.wordpress.com

drop your link! :D

few random thoughts before closure

2009-04-30T00:01:00.004+01:00

I was thinking. Tadhg (pronounced Tayg) is what I will call my next car, which hopefully will be an Audi A5 (or Q7?). (Heheh, my wishful petrolhead thinking). It means 'wise' or 'poet' in ancient Irish. I've met few children named Tadhg and I think they all have the look. So Tadhg it is.

Better not say this out loud before Ruairi started making up ey.

Orang lain duk sibuk pikir nama anak aku pikir nama kete la kan..

BTW Aizad you can have the Twillight song for your wedding. Yep you and 2 million other people. Heheh.

Yes I'm off work that's why my thoughts are overflowing.

then and now

2009-04-29T23:00:00.006+01:00

Dear peeps,

Please do help this group of over-zealous medical students in building up their passion and interests in humanitarian medicine by donating to this project in order for it to work. All donations will go for good cause i'Allah.

Full poster here
Blog link here

I remember the good old times in students days when we went to these kinda projects. Those times when we had all the times we wanted, the overflowing ideas injected by example-led passions from the doctors. They all seemed impossible at start; not enough money, not enough medications, last minute backing out, etc etc; but look now it's coming to the third year of the project already.

Us then..

Aha ada nostalgia sikit...

achievements and fulfillments

2009-04-28T12:10:00.006+01:00

I realized I haven't had a good laugh in a while now. I mean, the really really hard laughs till you cry type. I thought I used to be this cool type of person who easily cracks jokes with friends and had same things in return. I guess not anymore.

They say life at this stage is about achieving short and long term goals. I don't know about that. Maybe my life is more about fulfillment rather that achievement. They might be the same when looking at one angle but not at a different angle.

Tomorrow Mak and Abah will get their new car. Alhamdulillah at this rate this would be my best (and Ola's) contribution to them after my medical degree I think. This is nothing when compared to what they have sacrificed for us. I used to think my old men as superhuman, the ones who put themselves second after their loved ones. I think most of us would think the same of their parents as well.

So at my rate, a 25ish years old girl; with few pennies saved in the account, a second hand super-charged Mini, parents new Toyota, a cat and lots of shoes, my life is probably quarterly-fulfilled now. New achievements? Praying hard for few coming ones. Life is monotonous during the weekdays, a bit colorful on the weekends, but hey welcome to adulthood.

I've been thinking about this and I think I'm at the verge of hanging the keyboard and closing the place. I need some good reasons to keep writing here.

I still yearn for a good laugh though.

updates

2009-04-19T14:40:00.007+01:00

1. I have been through some lowest of the lows in Paeds journey in the last month. They said we all have a bad run sometimes (I had 3 already in one month). I tried to make the best of every bad moment, but yeah I'm only human too.

2. You kept to follow. Can't get rid of ye.

3. I realized the power of the old man's prayers. I wouldn't be a quarter of a person I am now if not for Mak's daily prayers for me. For that, I am truly indebted. If only I can pack everything and go home to be with my old men now. Stat!

4. Sometimes the day is not always bad and gloomy. Like the soothy smiles of the children's. And the sun which has been kind these few days.

5. You might know this already. Yep thank to the grace of Allah SWT, I have found my first (and hopefully only) Mini Cooper S. It's an S because it's mine ;p I'm officially turned on by the sound of the sporty turbo-charged engine. I'd like to believe that I'm the non-typical blonde women drivers who drive 100kmph on a fast lane and refused to give way. I am (not) from the blondie point of view anyway. But yeah, mini S = my kind of car.

First wash

Wieza J meeting Rory

6. So his name is Rory. Spelt Ruaidhri in Irish. Or sometimes Ruairi. I like the look of quivered edge of lips when you say Ruairi in Irish. BTW the meaning is Red King. But he comes in Silver this time.

7. Budiman is in safe hands don't worry. I still remember the good old times we had. He will never be forgotten for all of the good reasons.

8. I sometimes run from problems; in forms of sickness, transient amnesia secondary to repressed memory, deep sleep, etc. I'd like to think that I have been saved by the prayers, the sun and Allah SWT's mercy.

9. Life is tough going, but i'Allah I'll survive. Thank you all.

"All These Things I've Done" (The Killers)

2009-03-22T10:57:00.005Z

Happy Sunday.

Happy Daffodil's Day, March 20th. Support the Irish Cancer Society allright.

Fresh daffodils from the hospital to show some supports

Happy Irish/European Mother's Day, March 22nd.

Mak at Temple Bar, Dubs

Happy post-Grand Slam Irish beaten the Welsh. Go O'Driscoll's lads!

Life is still a bit monotonous for me regardless. I tried to paint as much as yellow on to it, as spring coming along. It's still like - woke up with the smell of coffee and toast, weigh myself on the scale beside the coffee table, went back to bed with a partially broken heart (needle on weighing scale remained at where it was yesterday) to finish the presentation/case reviews/studying/stalking on Facebook on the computer. Seemed similar like yesteryears.

I attended another conference in Kildare yesterday and got injected by the spirit again. This must be how it feels like when people get collagen or botox injection. Bouncy, youthfully, full of energy. Mau jadi hebat!

Anywhoo. I realized how my quality of life has gone from bad to worse. A typical on-call with all work and no sleep is very bad, if one gets a no sleep call but less list of jobs is considered a good call. Last Thursday I got an hour flat sleep and I considered that as a great call! How pathetic!

BTW that Thursday call, I attended a meconium delivery at wee hours in the morning. The baby delivered allrite no problems, I was cleaning his meconium stained face and body when out of the sudden he just absent-mindedly peed all over me. There I was, half-awake with scrubs smelled like poo and pee.

I then was called to A&E when a wheezy child came in. The Indian A&E nurse, looking at my soaked top then knowing the story said - in my place when you're being peed by a newborn baby like that they said you're gonna get married soon.

Wah how can?

working weekend

2009-03-14T15:52:00.005Z

Every year I celebrate the start of the most awaited season of the year, spring. The daffodils have started blooming on the motorway, the sun is out most of the days, you and me are happy.

I am smiling these days, for few reasons :)

Life is tough going, but one will hope and pray that there will be lights at the end of this dark and gloomy journey.

Scrub pants saying

6/6/08 - Last on-call as an intern

I still have endless call list for an SHO until the end of rotation in July. Let's not focus on that yet. Will swallow the bitterness slowly as they come along.

My latest post-call antidote.

Cheese and pineapple toasted sandwiches!

Don't worry I won't go double dose on them when I'm doing back to back calls. Sanity still prevails (although the calls are really driving me crazy).

See you party people on Monday. Tuesday is Paddy's Day = Public Holiday. Yay!

where the heart is

2009-03-11T05:33:00.010Z

I made a last minute decision of buying a return ticket home, instead of the initial plan of travelling to Eastern Europe alone for my one week break after A&E shift ends. It was indeed a wiser plan. The journey home was excruciating, but once I breathed the homeland air it became refreshing.

One week was a tad bit short, but the shorter time I had the wiser the plans made. The usual 2 weeks activities were cramped in half. My apologies to good friends I didn't have time to meet, or the short time spent with whom I had. You guys were demi-good.

I figured life without these 3 Fs would be meaningless. Family, Friends, and great Food.

I'm back in the stab city. On-call on my first day back, no surprise there. On-call again the whole weekend. If good life is a dream, then it must be one hella good dream I had last week. Now awaken and back to a bad reality.

makjun sangkut

2009-02-22T02:07:00.005Z

Hari-hari kerja kerja kerja.

Another Monday, this time a working Monday too.

Enjoy.

Monday musing

2009-02-16T19:20:00.005Z

K.Anis has tagged me on the 5 commandments concerning love and partnership. I attempted them all, but thought they might be a tad bit too discreet for public viewing lest they could be misinterpreted. I agree, I have come to the age when other friends are settling with 3 kids and a house plus bibik and a big Sunday car (macam tipu sikit). Every conversation with Mak these days she never failed to bring this matter up, whilst I tried my best steering her to what's happening to the weather or Iman's new cat or the current political sublime at home.

I know, I am not getting any younger. (I thought I am though, a she-Benjamin Button, prettier by each day. Heh perasan). I have followed my heart and fate more than twice when I said no to men, I kept getting nightmares that karma will follow. I fear that I'll be jinxed for what I did. But love cannot be forced. It just, can't.

Anyhoo.

If one thing from the questionnaires I should emphasize in men is their relationship with God. One who takes the simple 5 times prayers alight is failing the criterias of a good Muslim husband material. When one cannot lead oneself to be fearful of God, how he's going to lead others for same is questionable. Kalau solat ibarat tiang mendukung atap, tanpa tiang robohlah rumah.

Anyhooooooo (lagi panjang).

Monday was spent lazing at home, doing chores, exercise 10 minit (pemalas!), talking to Mak, catching up on the soaps and watching this. I thought I was going to walk to Tesco to get some milk but the after effect of the movie is too overwhelming I had to stay in. I am a hopeless romantic allrite. Benci!

Back to work tomorrow..

take a breather

2009-02-15T12:39:00.003Z

A&E was mad yesterday. 3 kids needed resuscitations, another 2 had to be transferred to Dublin (I had to go with one of them in an ambulance). All happened on the day I was on single shift in A&E. No registrar. I was scared shit, but as usual, nobody knew that. Thanks to the disguised face. They all thought I was some sorta hero-who-calmly-and-single-handedly-sort-everything-out. Ye wish!

Returned to Dublin later than planned, I had the best late night kuey teow kung foo with good companies. Thanks y'all. Lame tak borak..Then I slept soundly with the aid of 2 paracetamols. (Speaking of doctors who self-medicate for no reasons)

This morning, I was drooling milk from the cereal over breakfast when watching this on TV. Darn, this is when cosmesis, reconstruction surgery, natural beauty, valoptuousity and single ladies jumble up in one bowl and don't make anymore sense whatsoever. (Terus pack gym bag dan pergi mendaftar sebagai ahli di gym berdekatan).

Finally, the long awaited weekend has arrived! Gumbiraaa..

Bulan

2009-02-11T00:50:00.004Z

The moon closed today in perfection.

On a clear sky tonight, I thought they've paved the motorway with new lights. It was jolly bright.

As I looked far up, there he was, smiling in fullness. I swear nothing has came across to be brighter than this.

Begitulah pungguk rindukan bulan.

Subhanallah.

skipping the Monday blues

2009-02-09T14:58:00.004Z

Breakfast/lunch was - poached egg with brown bread and butter crushed with garlic and parsley. Kicap manis is a must. A cup of hazelnut flavoured cappuccino as an eye-opener. How the coffee got a bit complicated for home level is a different story altogether.

I got dehydrated so badly from not drinking water enough. As a consequence the upper lip cracked so badly it sore so much too. Feels like Angelina Jolie wannabe who failed a lip surgical enhancement with a horrendous pulsating pout. I wasn't imagining things when I thought the parents of the patients were looking at my lips in disgrace when I was trying to explain what's wrong with their child in A&E.

A colleague said this when he saw me applying Vaseline to the poor lip.

"So we have to tell Mr Wan to take a better care of you then."

"You mean, my dad?"

"No I mean Mr Wan."

"Yes there's only 3 Mr Wans - my dad and my 2 brothers. Who did you mean?"

Dia sengih kerang busuk.

snow-ed in the city

2009-02-08T12:42:00.004Z

It's been a week of intermittent sub-zero temperatures and white coating lands. The journey to work is more challenging and time consuming due to

de-icing the conventional way - pour water and watchful wait. Takes at least 15 minutes.
uneven road surface with patches of black ices
it became messy when the snow and ice started melting
a moron started harassing me from behind when I slowed down because of the small country roads. He was an inch close to hit me from behind when his brake was slow to work due to the ices. A loud screech and his face went pale. Jackass.
the water finished and I didn't know how to open the car bonet. So left with a dirty windscreen for a week. Mak said it's a about time I need a man in my life. Who knows how to open the bonet obviously.

I survived a week of A&E shift. It's an 8 hours shift starting from 1PM - 9PM everyday except the Sundays and Mondays for me. I have a love-hate relationship with this whole shift works.

What I like about it is

I can wake up late. Works well for me - not a morning person.
The ice and snow has started melting when I'm about to leave the house.
Lunch at home before work - jimat and no boring and tasteless hospital food no more.
No on-calls for 4 weeks and not involved in any mickey-mouse hospital politics upstairs.

What I don't like about it is

I ended up waking up so late/few hours before work because I'm always dead tired from the shift. So rushing to work too.
The ice and snow has started accumulating again before I leave the hospital at night. Plus it is bitterly cold.
Driving alone in the snow in the dark at 10PM+ is scary. I almost cried in one occasion. Takut kene gigit hantu.
Arriving home at 10PM+ with a huge hunger pang from not able to eat during the shift coz it's always mad busy. So eating at 10PM+ something dinner equivalent. Bad. Bad diet.
Missing the morning teachings and journal presentations upstairs.

A&E alone has served me different spectrum of affinities. One day I'm loving it to the fullest the next hating it with a passion. Some GPs in the area are just plain dumb and irresponsible with non-sense referral to the A&E. I made a hypothesis that some mutants have landed in the area long long time ago and bred with the locals. Hence the very weird personalities and morale of some people in general. Ah no point in spending time thinking about it. Wasting my brain ATPs only.

On the other hand, yes I'm learning so much on general paediatrics as well. From small rashes to the toxic meninggococcal septicaemic ones. Reflux vomiting to vomiting due to pyloric stenosis. Normal coughs to pertussis ones. It takes a lot to come to be competent with speed, accuracy, confidence, ethical. I'm not even halfway there yet. I must admit some of the staff nurses are demi good as well.

Ah like Mak said, let time and time tells. Her constant prayers will always be with me.

woke up from a bad dream, and the snow is melting..

2009-02-03T09:58:00.004Z

My dreams are teasing me. These days it's either a no dream sleep or a bad one. Maybe I'm fretting at what future beholds, or what the world has left to offer - the economic recession (savings?), the global warming, the social downturns, the land occupation, my exam result (!), life in general. Maybe I just need to wash my feet before going to bed like Mak used to say. The water's too cold these days Mak!

It's probably one of the coldest wintery weather hitting the Irish and British lands for the past 2 days. I wasn't too excited about it, neither did I loathe it. It's like - typical Dublin. Cold, windy, specks of sunshine, then snow - unpredictable. So not surprised anymore.

Let's hope people stays in in this type of weather. I'm expecting a quiet A&E today.

Toodles!

listless

2009-01-25T00:21:00.002Z

In conjunction with this year's theme of happiness in small doses, I highlighted the antidotes for the frequent on-calls and crappy hospital life.

1. Good homemade food - more pasta and noodles recipes
2. Live band tracks in iPod. Like pakcik rock King's of Leon, abang James Morrison atau abang James Blunt.
3. Make someone happy everyday, especially the family.
4. Relationship with God.
5. Baby check - I used to hate this until recently it became the highlight of my day. Cuteness tak tertahan. Especially twin babies sleeping in one cot. Boleh tak nak bawak balik rumah please?
6. Some awesomeness like these chaps. 4 jejaka kacak berjiwa sensistif dan berjalan di Italy. Aku high on hormon gembira. Tak payah makan coklat sudah.

7. Cita-cita nak kawin dengan Jamie Oliver. Tiap-tiap kali post-call pasti perasaan ni datang. Mungkin sebab dia comot, pelat, selamba, lawak dan awesome. Aku pun tengok rancangan Jamie At Home dan perasan Jamie was at my home, masakkan hidangan sedap dan halal (just in case) untukku yang kepenatan post-call.

Ini adalah wishful thinking setelah bangun dari tidur yang lama. Will be back on-call in hospital in, let'see, 8 hours time. Boo...

the world of little people

2009-01-24T13:31:00.007Z

Greetings people of the earth (and in betweens).

As expected, updates are slow once work resumed. As negatively anticipated, I've started my back to back killer on-calls of no sleep, attending coughing and vomiting kids, running to sectioned and meconium deliveries, squeezing babies hands and feet for bloods. Pure evil. I've calculated this - so almost 3-4 days in a week that I will be sleeping with my shoes and scarf on, bleep tucked to the scrubs collar for maximum chance of hearing the bleep when it went off - just in case aku tidur mati tetiba. Baby doctor, not a good lifestyle.

BTW, I just found out that they call the IV cannula 'Freddie' here.

Freddie? WTH?! Macam comel la kan..

Anywhoo, I realized that the key to liking your job is to understand what's going on with it (that includes forcing yourself into liking it and after that doesn't work, forcing yourself into understanding it). I used to be scared sh*t of little babies, and still is when some came out blue or didn't cry from the mommies wombs. Their crucial first 30-60 seconds of lives are in my untrained hands. Like my mum said when I told her the stories - "Jaga jaga nak, dekat sini ada doktor tu sambut anak orang sampai patah tangan bayi tu." Takpe Mak, that's the obstretician's fault not the paediatrician's. He he.

I have a congenital dislikeness to anything obstetrics & gynaecology FYI. However I still found the journey of conceiving, carrying a baby in your womb and delivering one is magical and would love to undergo it myself for once or twice in future. Kot ada yang salah faham pulak.

OK enough about bloodbath labour rooms.

What happened recently - history saw the inauguration of America's 44th president, also bulan mengambang dekat by-election K. Terengganu, and my roommate's sister's best friend's sister-in-law (jauh connection tapi nak cerita jugak tu) passed away in a road traffic accident after the small car she drove got hit from behind and set ablazed in fire. Innalillah. Reminded me to avoid speeding in this very icy condition these days.

Speaking of the new president-elect, do you know that Obama has Irish root? Apparently his ancestors were from Moneygal in Co. Offaly. I think everyone EVENTUALLY has some Irish roots in their bloods when tracing back the family tree, seriously.

Few days ago as a comeback from long holidays I dressed up nicely to work to gain people's first impressions (lepas ni boleh comot balik). While doing the routine baby checks the nurse called me to review this Irish baby who she thought was grunting. I went into the room slowly (high heels sound echoed through the corridor) and greeted the mother. She saw me and then said,

Are you Dr McCormack, the paediatrician who's looking after my baby?

Err, nooo.. (awkward silence). I'm one of the doctors in the team though.
(Seriously, do I look like someone whose surname is McCormack to you?)

You see, not only Obama and Sarimah has Irish bloods beb. I apparently look like someone who does too!

going green

2009-01-13T23:53:00.004Z

What traffic jam has caused you/the world;

Time
Leg muscles
Fuel
Carbon monoxides & hydrocarbons emitted from the burning of extra unnecessary fuels
Noise pollution (horns and engines)
Cathecolamines release (stress hormones FYI)
Wishful thinking - the "If I were the Town Mayor plans.."

It took me 1 1/2 hours to pass across the city to my exam venue and another 1 1/2 to return. Septic.

This is when my initial equation of commuting by car is skewed. It was supposed to be;

cheap car + insurance + NCT + road tax = happy days

Clearly I was wrong.

Mungkin aku perlu belajar menuggang kuda sebagai alternatif.

Of garlic toast and three quarter boiled egg..

2009-01-09T12:10:00.005Z

Selamat hari Jumaat.

I pray that you and I are in the best state of health and Imaan. Let's pray for the doomsday of our enemies and victory of the Muslims soon.

I am back to the usual norm of a student. That is; waking up late, checking facebook, making breakfast and incorporating it to lunch, studying, checking facebook again. If only there's a job called facebook checker. That'll be me. Facebook is the biggest crime of the year 2008 - my record.

BTW, breakfast/lunch was yummy garlic butter toasted brown bread with 3 1/4 boiled egg + kicap manis cap kipas udang. Oh yes also nescafe hi-calcium rendah lemak. Marbeles!

Yes I have moved to a new place, again. This time into 2 good friends place near the hospital I used to work in when I was an intern. The glorious BH. The 2 were laughing at me realizing the fact that I have moved house every 6 months since I graduated. Yes I know, I thought I would settled down nicely at my last place, my glassed house. But Allah has a better plan.

Am I happier here? Defo.

I am back to the family routine like in student days. Probably more. Where there's less individuality and more collectivity. More impulsivity and less typicality. Welcome to the new deal of 2009.

Thank you Izakusha for the little talks before bedtime. My inner self has sulked so much I failed to dream of anything in my sleep last night and woke up today with a big headache.

Thanks to the nice breakfast/lunch that opened the day in perfection.

Have a nice weekend.

writer's block

2009-01-07T12:34:00.008Z

Not a good start for the year 2009 eh?

Tagged by DizzyDalie - soon Puan to-be (congrats mate!)

Tag ini bertajuk 16 Perkara Rawak:

Syarat dan peraturan:

Apabila telah terpilih dengan malangnya, silalah menulis 16 perkara paling rawak sama ada tentang fakta, perangai tak senonoh ataupun hala tuju hidup anda.
Silalah hasut 16 orang lain untuk melakukan perkara ini.
Sila tanda manusia yang telah menanda anda di peringkat awal.
Ketahuilah, jika anda terpilih ia adalah kerana anda juga manusia biasa yang perlukan perhatian dan kasih sayang yang secukupnya ketika bayi.

1. Oh yes. Presenting Budiman. My companion on the roads these days. Got him for Eur1000 stat. Namun harga insurance dan road tax lagi mahal dari harga kereta.

2. A real gentleman, '98 Proton Persona (Wira equivalent to M'sia). Who said I always go for the tall, white and blue-eyed lads only? Asia rulez!

(I'm still longing for my Mini adventure though. Probably mission truncated for the moment. Shh orang kata tak baik cakap depan2. Nanti dia merajuk..)

3. Budi's mates have been sick or away these days. Orla is in Kilkenny, Nora/Kamal (ambiguous gender-ed car) needed change of battery. Yesterday Liyana's Yaris started making funny noise. She rang me and said - dia keluar lampu aladdin dekat meter ni. Lampu aladdin? I diagnosed minyak hitam problem. This morning Budi has, being a gentleman as he is, saved the day again by bringing Liyana to work.

4. I am on my study leave. Hence bermurah hati kasi pinjam Budiman to others. Kesian keretaku dipass pass seperti bola. I love you and always will!

5. My exam is in 6 days time. And here I am considering a career change.

6. 2009 has given me a new shift. A paradigm shift perhaps. I don't see things in black and white anymore, rather in perspective now. I am less tight and more nonchalant, or at least I thought I am.

7. The best thing a female surgeon has said to me coming to the end of 2008 was,

"You don't want a doctor, you want a MAN."

*One of those mother-daughter conversations you had being on-call with some inspirational people.

8. I then realized, yes she's probably right. (Hence the paradigm shift). So I signed up for few online dating websites to start searching for the real man.

Acah je...

9. The next job in my career line is photo-journalism. I can write and I can take good pictures. Next is finding loan sharks to feed my unemployment period till my book is published. Ada sapa2 sedara dia Along ke..?

10. I love coffee so much. I have failed numerous trials of detoxification. I am officially undetoxicable. If there's such word..

11. I am making a history of my own. That is not to go home this year until raya aidilfitri. There, my online statement. (Lari masuk bilik pastu keluar mata merah bengkak).

12. After so long living in a single room, I now have a roommate! Like I said, 2009 will be different. Mak aku tanya, OK ke tido berdua atas katil tu? Jangan apa-apa sudahla.. Hehe my mom worries about everything. I mean EVERYTHING..

13. I have my 2 years time planned ahead of me. After 2 years? *Blank*. Searching for words..*Blank again*

14. My shuffles are superb, or my iTunes collections are simply awesome. Either way.

15. Live band tracks tuned in my vibes perfectly post-call. It's haunting.

16. Finally, to open this year, something to remember from the dearly boss of 2008 and something for the future record. In her Christmas card she wrote to me;

Dear Shoo, (this is even worst than my friends)

It was wonderful working with you and lovely to get to know you (though I never got to meet your great Mum!(1)). You are an excellent Paediatrician and will go to the top wherever you decide that will be. It is a lovely attribute of yours to "remain calm at all times"(2). Wishing you continued success and happiness in 2009. Let me know if I can ever be of any help to you in your career and keep in touch.

Best wishes,

DF

post-scriptum;

(1) I brought my mum to the conference when I presented a research audit. The boss waited at the hotel lobby for ages to see my mum. Dia selamba tido dalam bilik. Jet-legged la konon..

(2) I was shocked and amused at the same time reading this. Calm? Who? Me?! Dalam hati dia tak tau hari2 aku pegi keje camne..

16 orang yang dihasut

1. Aliza
2. Aneesa
3. Anem
4. CTRahmah
5. Farah Dina
6. Anep
7. Hana Nana
8. K.AisyahMak
9. K.Syu
10. K.Anis
11. (K)AishahHafiz
12. Miezah
13. Thirah
14. MamaTisyia
15. Bruneian Blogger (I yet to know your name)
16. AizadAzahar

Dalam suka2 ni, sila derma (atau buat sesuatu) untuk saudara kita di Gaza ye. Contoh derma/buat sesuatu

1. Derma
2. Doa (qunut nazilah)
3. Join protes
4. Hantar surat bantahan
5. Sebarkan maklumat
6. Buat sesuatu, apa2 aja lah.

Thanks and good day.

aur revoir dua kosong kosong lapan

2009-01-01T00:01:00.002Z

It has been a good year 2008. There were moments; ups, downs, plateaus.

Thank you everyone for the good memories.

A nostalgia really..

If you believe you can, or you believe you can't, you're probably right - H Ford

2008-12-11T23:48:00.004Z

It's a good feelings being a student again. Coming late for the lectures, drinking loads of coffee (and peeing a lot as a result), thought spacing during lectures, glancing the cute guys from behind (unfortunately paeds is a wrong field to get a lot of hot/cute guys - most would be decent, but not HOT hot if you get what I mean. The HOT ones would do surgery - yeah it's their self-esteem we know that).

Yes you got me right. That's non-Mendelian inheritance. Also learned about Mendel and his peas again. And the chromosomes. And the syndromes. It's the nice 'confused' feelings in the middle of lectures, and asking the people beside you to recall "what's the 5 T's for causes of mediastinal mass" again.

I stayed in M'sia Hall halfway through. I was high on teh tarik and roti canai for breakfast. The smell of the curry stayed on my hand all day long (pure kari mamak ni). Also had the first London theatrical experience. Ah I'm just a sucker for musicals, always.

Something really weird happened few days ago. I went shopping along the Oxford St and came back home empty handed. That's like, BIZARRE. Must be part of growing up thingy. Demm.

One week as a Londoner is an ample pulse of happiness and remission from Dublin. Prediction says it won't be long until one falls back for relapse though.

Cheeeeerios!

Salam Aidiladha

2008-12-07T13:43:00.005Z

Looks like I won't be celebrating raya haji this year. It happened weeks ago; course registration - checked, ticket to LHR - checked, accommodation - checked. Wait a minute, 8/12/08, ain't that day raya haji? Bummer..

Semoga pengorbanan kali ini di'kira', i'Allah. (God knows I'm bleeding inside).

Ketupat Raya Aidilfitri 1428H/2007
Bangi, where the heart is..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all Muslims.

Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Please send your thoughts for me when you're eating rendang daging korban while I eat egg sandwich on raya day. OK probably don't, just send those thoughts (or send the daging korban) to our brothers and sisters who are underprevileged at home instead. I'll be OK here, i'Allah.

should we care

2008-12-04T12:22:00.003Z

Yes I think the NFC was right in declaring their fatwa on Yoga, Lesbianism and Tomboy. I don't think they were trivial issues at all, as some may imply. We know prevention is better than cure, and having the first hand experience in dealing with some of those issues (or close enough), I think it's right for us to be reminded that the path to righteousness should start from the very beginning of the journey.

I am stepping into another milestone in life. I was a newborn months ago who bottom-shuffled and crept to grasp my stuff around. Now I probably can walk fine after succeeding few unsupported first steps. For this I attribute to the scaffolding support and safety net of great family and friends.

We all grew. It's great sometimes to look back and reminisce the old times. I bumped into one old memory that I never thought would came revisited. Ah people moved on with their lives, I'm glad. My prayers for you.

A: Why did you like him?
B: Oh it's probably the teenager's hormonal surge more than anything.
A: So is he with someone now?
B: Yes I think.
A: What does she look like?
B: Em, typical Malay girl. Ayu, putih, kurus and kecil. Probably 75% of Malay girl in M'sia are like that and they're the men's favourites.
A: So what make you?
B: The 1% probably. Tak ayu, tak putih, tak kecik and tak kurus. Think about the world's issues too much like the undernourished kids, Palestine/Afghanistan/Iraq. Loves mini cooper too much. I don't think I'd fall in any categories of men's favourite.

He he.

and again, another year

2008-11-30T22:44:00.004Z

I'm still smothered in my mixed feelings. Happy, blessed, specks of guilt, and anger, sadness, joy, regret, loved, missed - ah the heart is very complex. My eyes are swollen, the heavy heart. I'm truly happy and blessed, I truly am.

Maybe I'm feeling old that's it.

Anyhoo, yes I'm 25 today, alhamdulillah. Height 164cm weight __kg. Proud owner of Budiman (never on roads yet), 2 pair of stethoscopes, probably more than 20 pair of shoes, and shirts.

For this year I made 3 wishes on cutting the cake.

1.
2.
3.

May Allah give me the strength to be steadfast and make things easy for me iAllah.

I miss you.

back to singleton

2008-11-17T21:08:00.006Z

How are you peeps?

My mum left Dublin on Saturday. I was devastated (as usual - I can't handle goodbyes). Woke up Sunday feeling cold and empty. Man how good it is when she was around. No more coffee and b'fast on the table in the morning, nor ironed clothes and nice dinner to go home to. I'll survive don't worry.

The kind of food I'm missing. Popiah basah with her signature home made kulit popiah. Music on the togue..

I was talking to friends on Saturday. I said I'm worried that I'm a bit de-sensatized now, or at least I thought I am. I used to be very fragile, depended on people most of the times (especially Yanie when she was around). I never travelled alone because of my bad orientation. As friends left Dublin one by one, I think I've adopted my survival instinct. It's not bad in a way, it is the most natural to do. But as a result I'm also trained to be hard inside to survive. Like making a straight face when something bad happen. There's good and bad. But not when you lose the sensitivities. Oh well, tough life.

So these days everyday is like Pakcik Hussein's Song.

I suppose I should look at things in optimisms. I'm grateful to have this life. I love my job (or the kids and people involved in my job). Life after work is mundane enough, but it is temporary (hopefully). I have my goals in life and I will work for it. Allah help me please.

That was Lisa, one of my chronic patients who has been in and out a lot with exacerbation of her disease since I started with the team. She came to me one night when I was on call on the ward and spent the time chatting with me. She's matured before her age; with her chronic lung disease, and recent death of her mum. "At least mammy's not in pain anymore. But no one combs my hair like she did." So the team makes sure that the staff nurse combs her hair nicely every morning. She's an angel.

Cheerios, life's too short to be sulked at.

in times like these

2008-11-02T16:05:00.005Z

I used to know someone who quits medical school halfway through it because she found it difficult to cope. I also knew someone who had to repeat the final year for 2 to 3 consecutive years as she failed the exam each time. She wasn't stupid, she was simply forced by the parents to study medicine and become a doctor.

There's general consensus out there that brilliant students should either become doctors, engineers, lawyers or accountants. It's as if these professions are superior and meant for special bright people only.

I personally feel that we should become what we want to be. There's always the concept of rezki, chance or luck, whichever way you wanna call it, yes we don't always get what we want. But I still think that passion guided career takes one higher than the rest.

One and almost-half a year in the medical profession, I saw and heard the stories of not a few but many doctors who; half-way through medical career; suddenly realized how difficult it is and had a change of heart. There's a doctor in the current hospital I work in whom, after long arduous years of internship, SHO and registrar with multiple exams attempts and finally passed them all (paediatrics membership exams are a lot harder to pass than the rest), suddenly went for an interview to work in a rehab center of an adult hospital. She said she couldn't take the lifestyle anymore.

So I thought, what makes a doctor really? Being brilliant is not enough apparently. You have to be tough mentally and physically for the long draining working hours, and self-less enough to sacrifice your life in order to save other people's lives. So what drives these exactly?

Money? Heh believe me you're in the wrong profession if you want to be rich by being a doctor. Fame? Not everyone has the heart of gold like Dr Jemilah Mahmood. Intention and passion? Is it strong enough to push you through all the way in this?

As for me, I used to never see myself in other skin than as a doctor. Eversince I was a kid. The passion kept mounting I thought nothing can stop me from becoming a good one and nobody else has a passion stronger than mine. Yes, I was proud. Then even so, after one and almost half-a year as a doctor (not even thaaat long), not a few times I started having second thoughts. For now, paeds is great, but hmm what about radiology, or histology. The 9 to 5 lifestyle is so tempting. One morning I was passing by the high-street of shops on the way to the hospital and had thought how nice it is if I were a salesgirl. Yes the grass is always greener on the other side.

Then again, I think what make a great doctor great is the search of example-led passions injected by the preceded great doctors. That's me at least I don't know about others. Each time I encounter each fallible medical moment, it is always the presence or the thought of great consultants that I know of would put my spirits up again. It's them, and I want to be like them. I'm almost sure their roads to becoming what they are now are not silky smooth as well.

I guess that's how life is. No fairy tales. Not especially in the medical world.

the big L

2008-10-26T23:02:00.005Z

You know.

There are thousands of reasons not to be with someone. Yes you can create thousands of ways for same too.

Like saying that you're taken (or pretending for the same), or confessing that you have a terminal disease, or an acute infection (make it more dramatic like an inflamed genital herpes or something like that), or saying you're migrating to a strange place like Timbuktu to learn clay art; my main point is - there are thousand of ways to do it.

There are also thousands of reasons to be with someone too. Well for this one reasons need not to be justified as your heart will tell when it comes. Too hot, too cold, cool, uncool, fair, dark, sweet, bitter, funny, uncanny - too much too little. Cues are sent with questionable pick up rate.

You can do the old trick of sending love letters dusted with perfumed powder, throwing peebles on the bedroom window, making a scrap book out of him/her, or the latter days ways of sending thoughts via sms/messenger/email, burn a cd full of love songs, pretended to be late and surprised him/her with a confession; few of the many ways.

The heart is a funny thing. Indeed.

post-raya

2008-10-15T18:24:00.004+01:00

Hey. I'm back.

Home was terrific. Glad to see the good lot, sad too not able to see the rest. Eid is eid, eat till you sweat rendang and lemang.

Back in rainy Dublin, I was greeted by the happy registrar who was almost half broken left alone for 2 weeks. There were piles of works and presentations due. Ghastly.

In ICU today my super wonderwoman boss sent me a signal from far. Those (protruded) eyes said - come here we'll talk to this kiddo's parents. At the same time they were doing portable CXR on the other patient beside us. Funny was, the boss refused to leave and continued talking. The radiographers signaled me, of all people, to tell the boss. I, tried my polite-est gesture to boss, meaning to convey the message that we needed to leave the bed. Either she didn't get it, or just refused to leave the heated discussions with parents. So we all had to stay. And embraced the unnecessary radiation dose.

My poor ovaries!

Mom is here. That means, a happy cup of coffee in the morning, and a wonderful dinner going home to. After years of living away, everyone needs this kinda pampering.

roti canai with rendang

To my dear Seri Puteri girls, sorry I missed the potluck and tak sempat jumpa. Next time ye i'Allah. To the others, you made my holidays such a memorable one.

Till next time ;)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin

2008-09-25T06:15:00.003+01:00

Suatu Hari Di Hari Raya - M. Nasir

It's the anticipation of it. Imagining oneself in the arms of the loved ones, the warmth of the long subdued friendships, laughters and joy.

I am fretting counting every seconds gone.

Home, here I come!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir & Batin

Dengan ingatan tulus ikhlas.

round two

2008-09-18T00:01:00.006+01:00

OK we're already in the second half of the month. A good time to take a step back and do a bit of post-mortem of the first half. Not looking too good for me. Haish..

Work has been extremely busy. Was constantly on my feet all day, if only they can talk you'll hear them scream. It's the start of the season, like the boss said - Welcome to the Lungs Season. All of the asthmatics, pneumonias, bronchiolitis and whatsnot. All of the happy wheezers suddenly become unhappy. Didn't sleep a wink last on-call and was still in A&E and wards the next day till 6PM. I collapsed at home and slept straight from 6.30PM till 4.30AM. Missed everything in between. Welcome to the real deal.

A good friend Shahirah reminded us to be grateful of what we have. I remembered the eye-opening experience we had in Cambodia. One of them was on arrival in Siem Reap at the bus station. Upon meeting our guide person, there were these kids rushing to our van with their hands reaching out and pointing our food containers. Nyam - they said, which means food in Khmer. We were startled at first, confused at same, then realizing there were no danger we gave them our canned sardines, left overs from the stay in Phnom Penh. They were simply delighted, walking away cheerfully as if they've gotten the biggest catch of the day.

I should start going back to these places. Too much luxury can cloud the conscience. If you see my fridge you'll die. Leftovers and more leftovers. Orang lain malnutrisi sebab tak cukup makan.

Kids make you do the darndest things (like becoming a Paediatrician..)

2008-09-09T18:32:00.010+01:00

J asked me last week, "So 2 months in Paeds, what do you think so far?"

Smiled. Paeds is for me, absolutely. It's a busy job definitely; you have to be extra vigilant, super obsessive and a lot tedious, it is physically and mentally draining. But again, it's Paeds, nothing can top the smiles the little kiddies give you after they're feeling better when not long before that they were in ICU on a ventilator machine. Yes it's the wonderful world of this little humans with their superb healing power and forgiveness. I poked needles for the Nth times on this poor baby for a very difficult IV cannulation but still the next day received the sweetest smile from her. How forgiving!

I met this shy 6 year old boy in A&E with fever and diarrhea. After a while he started asking me, "Why do you wear that on your head?" pointing to my scarf. I said, "Because it's fun!" (which totally doesn't make sense I know). Not satisfied with my answer he asked again. "But why? Why do you have to wear that?" I then said, whispering, "Don't tell anyone, but I actually shaved my head this morning that's why I have to wear this to cover up!!" He started laughing so hard. Hihi.

Now imagine saying that to a 40 year old man with fever and diarrhea. Haha. Ain't paeds a lot more fun to do?

As for now, I've been missing my angels at home especially Yaya. She has transformed into this girly grown up and called herself Iman instead. I'm counting days to meet her, can't wait! (sampai mimpi meracau racau)

Always smiling..at home in Bangi

Cubaan mengacau Atok berkebun

Iman yang beriman (amin)

Sis with Naqib, Iman & Ariff

I almost forgot, welcome to the world Baby Hariz and congratulations to Angah & Kak Rina. I heard Ayep is acting up being this big brother at the same time being jealous of the diversion of attentions. Hehe. Ah can't wait for home..

Of bubur jagung

2008-09-03T06:15:00.002+01:00

My friends in the Radiology Dept greeted Happy Ramadhan to me even before the month started. This is, by far, the friendliest Radiology Dept I've ever worked in. They said they love my smiles in the middle of their stormy day. How flattering.

Things I miss most in Ramadhan at home is the desserts. The first day I craved for bubur jagung. There I was sipping every spoon of it. Then yesterday I wanted something savoury. The problem was my bubur jagung from the first day is still in the fridge. And looks like I'd be sipping it till the week ends. I miss student days when there were 5 mouths to be fed in the house instead of just your own's. I'm not doing too good being a loner..

Ramadhan Mubarak

2008-08-31T18:51:00.003+01:00

Blue Mosque, Istanbul
Winter 2007
Taken using Canon S3 IS (sold now)

Ramadhan Kareem everyone.

May you have a blessed Ramadhan this year. I'd like to ask forgiveness if I ever did wrong to any of you, intentionally or not. Kosong kosong lah.

I rang home and got a chance to hear the Ramadhan announcement on local telly. My parents, my eldest sis and brother in law including Naqib were all ready in their masjid suits. Conversations were cut short coz they have to go to masjid for tarawikh. How exciting.

I watched this movie yesterday and couldn't help balling my eyes out. Great cinematography, great actors, great musics, honest portrayal of the religion; overall very impressive and no less than 5 stars from me.

Jom tarawikh! (sorang-sorang lagi tahun ni..)

Penat

2008-08-30T13:23:00.005+01:00

It's a heavy and difficult lifestyle doing this.

What's making it more difficult is going home after work to an empty world.

Truthfully, I'm trying my best not to lose the grip.

It's so tiring holding on like this, I'm feeling old and pregnant..

Mak & Abah in Makkah

2 years, no more.

cuti

2008-08-21T19:47:00.007+01:00

Thank you Ali and Yanie for your concerns on my disruptive instant noodle diet before. No worries babes, I've reached the non-palatable limit for them for the moment, it'll be a while till it ceases I promise. So here's for dinner tonight, a quick Italian pasta penuh nutrisi dan kasih sayang he he. Ayam + sundried tomatoes + beans + dried Italian spices + Parmesan = speaks for itself. Oh ye, sangat pedas walaupun nampak pucat.

Buon appetito!

Anyhooo..

I'm on a week's break and going nowhere for the first time ever. Must say that I'm enjoying it. Being a housewife is not easy, there's linens to be taken care of and groceries to buy and children to be fed (hypothetically). I developed biceps after few rounds of hot-pressing the bed linens and hovering the place. Man it's not easy! How did mom do it, on top of her daily job as a teacher, and without an instant help of a bibik! My hero!! T_T

Mom reminded me that Ramadhan is coming. Yes my most awaited and anticipated month. I look at it as a starting point of self-correction, also renewing and polishing the imaan. And there's a 30 days opportunities for it to begin with. Which is abundant. Here's a little plan for a start

1. Daily suhoor and early Fajr
2. Pray at earlier time
3. Solat sunat, solat tarawikh and qiyam
4. Finish the whole Quran at the end of the month
5. Increase wirids and du'as
6. Read more; medical and non-medical materials
7. Call home regularly
8. Coffee cutbacks
9. Music cutbacks
10. Eat healthily, less greasy, less fat, high protein diet

10 is a good balance for a start. I must say I will terribly miss the old student days when I excelled Ramadhan dashingly with the aide and the spirit coming from the good mates. Those were the days when we took turns leading the prayers, gave a small reminder after solat, secretly raced with each other to finish the Quran, went to the Masjid together for the delicious free tandoori for iftaar, cooked nice traditional kuih for buka to make the ambience more homely and after lectures cookies baking series with Yanie. Cakap aja kuih siput kuih sarang semut semua kita buat. I really really miss those days.

Anyway, Mak pesan banyakkan bersabar. There's no success without sacrifice.

ma chere et bon maman

2008-08-15T23:36:00.008+01:00

Dear Mak,

I got a bad toothache for 3 days. I became dependent on painkillers, which you know I can't take anything stronger than PCM. So I kept waking up in the middle of the night when the effect of the medication weaned off, from the pulsating one side of the jaw. I went to work with an asymmetry face and noticed by my boss. She was kind enough to give me an afternoon off for the dental appointment. So I went and got charged a freaking EUR110 for a simple saline injection and a prescription for antibiotic. Heck I can do that myself. No I'm telling you lies, I can't. My mouth is too sore.

It's getting better now. The boss gave me a bouquet of flower in a vase yesterday. No she didn't actually. But it's complicated to explain - the end point is she gave me the flower and I took it home. It's a nice bouquet. She said it's for the toothache. Thank you boss!

You know Mak,

Italian food is one of the best delicacies on my tongue after our local rations. It's because of the spices they use and sometimes they can be quite generous on their chillis and spices, which are the essential components of a good cooking. And you know how much I love pastas. It's a pity you are not here now. Coz I can cook you one of my best recipes for white sauce and tomato based pastas. I know they'll never beat your sambal nasi lemak and daging masak asam pedas but I'd love it if you can taste them.

There was a local market being set up in front of my apartment. I love this area because it's so cultural, there's always something going on every week. There's a cultural cinema one block away from me as well. Anyway, I went to this Italian stall today evening after work. They have the Italian essentials of cook ingredients sold there. I got myself a bottle of extra virgin olive oil coz the one at home has finished and this jar of mixed vegetables and chillies in sunflower oil with tarallini . Ah heavenly.

La Cannonata, means the cannon shot

Nonetheless Mak,

I learned that food is tasteless when eating on your own. I totally lost interest in cooking coz I'd end up eating them alone. I know you won't like it if I said that I've been eating meggi mee only these past few days. Pathetic. 2 days ago I was passing by the local so-called Chinatown area of Dublin on the way home. I stopped at one shop to buy water and found out they sold telur masin. One egg for EUR1! Now you know how much I miss home. I bought one anyway and ate it with meggi tonight. It tasted perfect. Well it has to be for the cost. You remember when I was a kid I sneaked into the kitchen one evening during Ramadhan to eat telur masin and got caught by you for not fasting. He he. I miss those times.

Well Mom. So glad it's finally Friday. I'm working Sunday anyway. I'll prolly be old and kerepot when I can finally have my full weekend off.

I miss you so.

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going

2008-08-11T22:19:00.006+01:00

The big boss came in this morning with a big elated smile on her face cheering big 'Hi' to me. I knew something was on. Apparently her boys were taken to her sister's place so she had good 2 nights' sleep over the weekend. It was obvious. We were seeing patients when she started asking J her girlfriend's name. It was R. Then the nightmare began. She turned to me with her bright eyes and asked,

"So Wan, are you kissing someone?"

"Er?"

"Yeah, are you seeing someone? Or I may say kissing someone??"

"Er.." *Gulp

J intruded, "Oh give Wan a break."

"No it's fine, I'd like to know whether she's kissing someone or she's looking for someone?"

Err..

***

We were all amazed on her level of elation today, even the nurses did. When we talked about it, J said,

"You should see how Wan started to blush from top of her face down. She went absolutely red. It's funny though coz you usually go red from down up not the other way round."

We agreed that she might've got a little bit more than a good night's sleep over the weekend. *Giggles*

Nonetheless, I think she's the real superwoman I've ever came across with. I'm speaking highly of her all the times that one of my friends started thinking that I need to re-check my sexual orientation. No it's just so different when you have someone that you look up highly to and want to be like someday, then treats you so humbly and guides you through all the times. She just blew my mind away. Right, now I started sounding like a real gay.

I'm just so grateful that in times that I've been up to my eyeballs trying to be at a lot of places at one time, I've granted a real good boss that is, through her OCD-ness and achieving perfections in everything she does, still doesn't look down on me who's lacking of A LOT of things, with knowledge in the field being one major thing. She trusted me and taught me to do bronchoscopy on the kids, heck I didn't even get the chance to do it in adults! So Alhamdulillah, though I'm always wrecked at the end of a real hectic day, I always know that this is what I've always wanted to do.

On a side note, the housemate has flewn home today for a holiday and I'm all alone. Not that I see her much these days anyway coz she's on the night's shift and I was always home after she's gone to work. So yeah, here goes series of bujang dinner, full of MSGs. Thanks to whoever invented instant noodle.

And these are for desserts. A 3 in 1 teh tarik and heavenly Lindt Nocciolatte. I'm after taken Solpadeine for my bad tooth and gum-ache so might as well savour everything before the effect of the medication wean off.

Toooodles!

free flyer, soul searcher

2008-08-05T22:58:00.006+01:00

Happy post-long weekend. It's gonna be a short but intense week. First day back I already had to stay back till late. Sometimes I wonder is it a curse or a blessing to lead a single life like this. Both I guess, depending on how you wanna look at things.

Living abroad like this, away from your familiar ones, it is only your own faith that would keep you straight on the path of righteousness. It's almost like a free world. DO whatever you want to do, the western or the eastern style, nobody cares. Everyday I keep praying that Allah SWT won't take His love away from me. Like mom always said, iman senipis kulit bawang, (sambung seniri)....

Just a little reminder to myself.

Anyhoooooo..hehe panjang sket.

The long weekend was well-spent. We travelled down south-west and hit the beach. Went surfing and came back with the tan. Good fun! Definitely a good escapade. I came back refreshed (with the real muscles ache as well).

Surfing is all about picking the right things. The right wave, the right timing, the right side of the board, the right paddling, the right pop-up. It's not easy to be all-right. Sometimes you thought you've picked the correct wave and timing, only to stumble at the bottom of a strong and wrong one. Air laut sangat masin. It's not a nice thing to drink liters of.

Nonetheless, it was a great beginner experience. I got Monday off, at the expense of working full weekend this coming weekend. So you won't see any of me come the end of the week.

Boohooo..

Nice day ahead peeps!

life in the mobile photos

2008-07-31T21:17:00.007+01:00

It's been rainy these days. Typical.

I couldn't get up this morning, the rain soothed me to deep sleep, so I was late and I missed the great morning teaching on Endocrinology. The taxi guy sang "I Try" by Macy Gray in the taxi to work today. My favourite song remember. Remind me of Yaya. I did try!

Still raining in the evening. Boohoo..

Empty place. Lala's & Aza's white orchid still viable on the diner.

So last Thursday I got a call from IzaKusha at work. It's amazing how a simple phone call or a text message would brighten up your busy day like that. We talked and talked, and revived the pack, and catch up with stories. I was hiding in the toilet near the Respiratory Office. Who cares. My Ija reminded me that it's OK to pursue the dreams for now, keep the du'a going and hope for the best. When it's time it's time. We are so alike, I miss you already. We'll rock Bangi when I'm home OK.

I was in deep sh*t after a bad bad day one day so I went hunting for comfort food after work. That one up there, people, is by far, the best ice-cream I've ever tasted in my life. No kidding. Vanilla tastes better than chocolate on my tastebud, but coconut is definitely superior!

So pathetic. A doctor who goes home and watch a soap on a bunch of interns who sleeps with their attendings to survive the crappy junior doctor life. It's far from true in real life FYI. What are the chances of working in a hospital full of hotties like that? Nil. Zilch. Nada.

I haven't got a digital box installed yet so everyday is a DVD collection day. Just to keep the place noisy. That was when Derek said something like "I'm drunk, vulnerable and good-looking. And you took advantage." What's with guys and the thrills of the chase. Habis madu sepah dibuang? Aku emo all right.

The world does seem so small with the internet these days. I can live without TV but not the web. *Cringe on the thought of it*. mIRC, AOL, MSN, YM, G-Chat. Remember those days when your favourite movie was You've Got Mail?

I got my internet and my cuppa coffee. So that's me, pretty much a happy bee.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Kahlil Gibran

2008-07-29T20:51:00.009+01:00

It is truly devastating when you diagnosed a few months old baby with a disease the parents, the staff, you and everyone knows that won't make the baby sees any future. Indeed Allah SWT has His plans for each one of us and only He knows what's best.

Medicine really amuses me. It's amazing how it is, like life, can be learned either as a spectrum or something clear cut. I have 2 small infants with spinalmuscular atrophy - one just newly diagnosed this week. Both have complications in their lungs so bad that they're struggling to breathe when they're feeding. Then I met another 4 year old today with the same diesease. She was all cute in her pink dress and shoes, and she loved my pink scarf today. So we talked about everything pink. She even liked my polka-dots pink socks. Yes I was post-call so I'm allowed to be all cute and odd.

So on one hand you have someone with the bad end of the disease, and on the other is doing pretty OK. But when she gave you a weak cough and left the ward in her automated wheelchair, you know she won't make it far though. But who are we to decide this anyway.

Anywhoo.

I'm sure at this stage everyone has read the medical report of DSAI ex-aide which is circulating on the w.w.w like nobody's business. At this rate I think most of us are pretty much pissed off if not laughing at the internal jokes coming from the jungle govt. Well I am if you're not. I've had enough of this fabrications it is damn frustrating. The world is laughing at us too. BTW tenesmus is a sensation of incomplete defecation but let's not go there.

Shot 1 in Disney Paris. No wonder my sis was giggling when she took the picture.

Shot 2. Hello Tony! Ngee..

OK I'm missing my familiar friends it's not even funny.

Tomorrow marks an important date in our calendar, the Isra' Mi'raj. Here's a little something to freshen up the mind.

Cheerios all!

spent

2008-07-21T22:38:00.004+01:00

When you diagnosed a 5 months old baby with HIV positive from a supposed-to-be HIV negative mum, things can get a bit more complicated than a simple run of treatments. Has mom been playing around? Or daddy did? What about other kids? Do we need to test them as well? Has someone been lying? Etc etc. My last on-call on Friday, I had a 4 months old who kept seizing on me for almost 1 hour and a half despite the treatments. He ended each bout of seizure with high-pitch cries suffering his non-stop overactive brain activities. Then I had another kid turned blue with rattling breath sounds drowning in his own lung secretions. They're both palliative patients.

Yes when you say palliative or NFR (not for resuscitations) you'd imagined your old grannies with end-stage cancer. But this is a couple of 4 months old, whose lives are basically incompatible to live. Things are certainly a lot more traumatic mentally and physically than they normally are.

So am I still into this profession? Yes indeed.

On a lighter note, I think paeds surgery is the hottest profession ever! Well other than the fact that one of them is really hot as well that is..haha..My green button has been switched on again after so long. I have now another reason to wake up early to go to work everyday. Hehe kidding..

I saw a little girl who looked like Yaya today in the clinic. How I missed her so much.

It has been a stressful week last week and just started to get busy again this week by the look of today. I came home with my stress-induced urticaria, again. I only have a pair of hands and legs but torn to be at multiple places at one time. Sue them for not having any interns in paeds!

Went home and watched Grease. It has been almost a month with no TV for me, not even TV rakyat. It's almost magical how I survived life without the box. Here's an excerpt from the movie, ah nobody can ever beat JT in his seluar singkat and leather jacket. So much fun. Enjoy.

You're the one that I want..uh uh uuuuuu honey...

I can't get up and you're gone..

2008-07-14T23:21:00.006+01:00

What are the odds of spending the whole day dealing with ONLY 2 patients?

2 sick patients.

I'm learning so fast about paeds. Rules of thumb, have a REALLY low threshold for more investigations and just WORRY a little bit more than usual. At 4.30PM today, the baby we saw on consult for prolonged O2 need and desaturation episodes contracted a systemic fungal infection and had to be transferred to ICU. She came back to be HIV positive. Another CF kid with pyrexia turned out to have white cell counts of 0.7 with neutrophil count of 0 and global pancytopenia really. All happened at 4.30PM. What are the odds.

Thinking of going on hiatus after this 2 years. I have aged so much; the wrinkles, rabun ayam, eye bags besar rumah, my eyes are failing on me really. Ah this profession. A good break would do me good. Some fresh air and some changes. Don't know whether it would be worth slowing the momentum though.

Holidazzzeee..

Flower (Flea) Market, Old Town, Nice, Cote d'Azur

Currently feeling like this.

I found out about this today linked from a friend's blog. Ah supercool. Feels good to be the rare one in Type AB. Now I am closed to become a superhero already, as planned. Hehe. Why don't you have a look.

Your blood type diet.

just the right time to stretch the legs and chill..

2008-07-11T20:54:00.007+01:00

It's a bliss really when you know that you have the full weekend off. Yayyy. Yes I love my job but I love my weekends more.

It's bizarre really. Yanie if you're reading this. Today I admitted the second patient that I've met before when I was a medical student. I remember exactly it was in the same day ward, just different bed, and Yanie and I took the history from the patient's dad. She was admitted for her monthly intravenous immunoglobulin infusion for hypogammaglobulinaemia. It's funny coz today when I went to them the dad immediately said, "I think I've met you before?! Here in this ward at the bed over there." Hehe. I said, "Yeah I was about to say the same thing as well." That was 1 year ago. Time really flies ha. Now she's grown taller, still a cutie.

The other patient was a little boy Yanie and I went in to see his feeding study in the radiology department. If you still remember him Yanie. The boy who went to Sweden for ECMO. I'm sure you do. We were told by the consultant radiologist that she improvised and baked barium cookies for the feeding studies. Cool innit? Cookies with barium for contrast. Hehe.

Anyway, that boy was admitted under my team again last week. He's a real heartbreaker. Having survived ECMO, 2 cardiac arrest, seizure and stroke, recurrent pneumonias, now breathing via tracheostomy and using BIPAP. And he's only 2ish years old. Still managed to wave goodbye with his good hand (right hemiparesis) and blew me a flying kiss when I discharged him. A real heartbreaker.

That's my job. A lot of cheeky monkeys and chickens who's a real heartbreaker...

Enough on the work. Yes it's weekend. I was contemplating and I realized I missed the familiar people so much now when we used to hang out on weekends cracking good jokes. Maybe it's just me. Going a bit mellow.

Haha not saying anything really. I got this fruit flavoured fizzy sweets from clinic today. Can you imagine they're giving these sweets to the kids. Apekah?

I was tagged by Ikha - my Man-ual partner. Hehe. Here goes.

7 facts. Think I did this before.

1. I drank coffee too much that my pee smells like one. I go dysfunction without them. It's recent really. I used to be OK going 2 or 3 cups a day. With the stress level and workloads these days, I need at least 5 or 6 at work. Few more at home. I plan for detox in 2 years time. Serious.

2. I've always put on a brave face and act like one but I'm actually quite a cowardice. That's when it comes to hantu, driving (partly encountered), cengkerik, lipas, tikus, binatang yang merangkak (crawling insects?). I never leave my room in silence. Wake up and turn on the radio. No creepy goosebumps silence please.

3. I'm a bit mellow when it comes to goodbyes of closed ones. Just can't deal with them properly. I used to cry each time my parents dropped me back to school after going on weekend overnight at home. That was all through form 1 to form 5. And my house was like only 30 minutes away from the school. Ya ya I'm melodramatic whatever..

4. I said to myself that I wanted to do medicine since I was in form 3 and picked RCSI to go to (since the name sounded so cool back then), I also said that I want to do Paediatrics in the fourth year of medical school. So far so good alhamdulillah.

5. I secretly have an exit plan if I go burn out. That is to work as a coffee barista in my own coffee shop. I even have the concept and arrangements planned. Guess it's not a secret anymore.

6. Can't seem to get rid of the old procrastination habit. Even if I wake up 15 minutes earlier than the usual time to spare that 15 minutes for breakfast or just a little extra minutes to breathe and not rushing in the morning, I'll still end up wasting that 15 minutes on stupid things like staring into thin air until I realize that I'm late and ended up rushing myself to work in the end with no breakfast.

7. I love singing and I always have a background tune playing at the back of my head. Almost like an auditory hallucination. Hehe. Though I don't have a good voice but hell who cares. I did win the second place (or third?) with IzaKusha, Sabrina and Salha during talent time in school anyway. Singing Backstreet Boys songs. Every year without failing. Haha. Those were the days. Go BSB...hahahaa..

That's 14 facts including the last 7s. On top of whatever you've learned about me indirectly from reading the blog. That's too much you think?

Enjoy le weekend!

reinforcing reinforcements

2008-07-07T23:41:00.003+01:00

As promised, here goes. The so-called frequent update. I don't know why am I doing this. But sometimes things can be done for no reasons at all ain't it?

I think I'm beginning to like Paeds. Last week it was about fitting in and giving the best impressions, so I wasn't seeking for the 'joy' of working yet. As I'm beginning to settling down, I can tell that it's a different fun working in this field.

First of all, I became totally selfless, well that's a bit too much. Probably less selfish putting it more appropriately. If last time I used to justify a lot what I did on the wards, hence sometimes refused to heed the call for silly stuff on the wards, well not anymore this time. It's always been 'about the kids'. The innocent kids who are born with illnesses they don't even know about. It's the purity and innocence which made one more to become selfless I'd say.

"I've never met someone doing Paeds who's unhappy." Someone used to say that to me.

I don't know about that, you'll never know when things gonna hit you low. But I do understand the concept of it, no matter how much the job takes out of you, physically and mentally, sometimes a little kiddies smile can cure it all. Aha I'm a tad bit too philosophical now.

Coming back to reality, I was on-call with one of the best registrars in the hospital last night. It was a OK call to be honest with you, I expected worse. It was in the morning that I found out that she didn't actually sleep the whole night after being called for sick kids on the wards and in A&E. Despite all that, she was smiling and still remaining the cool. So I asked her, "How was last night's call for you for Paeds standard?" She replied, "It was moderate." Smiled

I choked.

Otherwise, the team has been OK. I think my Big Boss is a Superhero (imagining her in Wonder Woman suit). She saves lives and looks cool too. She probably had Intel Centrino or whatever processor implanted in her brain long before computer was invented. How awesome. I have to really start dieting to prepare myself in my Superhero suit too (black leather Cat Woman suit?). I have to start studying I mean....

I'm thinking of a new personal project for fund raising for the hospital. Any ideas? (As if clinical jobs, exams, etc are not busy enough.)

Till then.

what's been up

2008-07-05T11:21:00.016+01:00

Yes we could do some updates don't we? Here goes, in no chronological order.

"Hi, I'm Wan. SHO Resp (respiratory)."

No I didn't really have the thrills in my heart when I said that on the first meeting with the new people in the hospital, when I know I should. Partly because, in paediatrics I'm still the lowest in the food-chain as there's no interns, so I sometimes still partially assuming that I'm still an intern so running around doing intern jobs. Most of the times it's because I have MINIMAL knowledge in this field. It's been ages since I last do paeds and that was in student days. So I had to search somewhere in my rusty brain about the weird syndromes that they mentioned, the weird investigations that they don't do in adults to the simplest treatment of asthma and plotting centile charts. Fun fun.

Other than that, I think paeds suits me well. The new team comprises of 2 top respiratory Consultants, one being a specialist in CF, a third year Specialist Registrar, J, and a third day SHO paeds ever, that's myself. You can tell there the huge gap in knowledge hehe. I think the team is OK, mad busy, but OK. J finished his membership exams all in one go when he was at my level, so I have another people to look up to and learn from. He's a cool guy all right.

The big boss is tough I have to say, but you have to be when you're dealing with sick kids. I thought I knew someone who's OCD enough, she's like super OCD to the power of 12. Very meticulous and thorough. So I've been working hard to become super OCD to the power of 13, at least one power higher than her so to impress her. Hehe. But yeah, I'm very new in this field, and I'm ready to learn, bring it on.

Congratulations, new doctors!

Most of my friends have graduated in June. I still remember the sugar-high feeling being on stage receiving the 5 years hard-earned degree, it was good. Now it's a year passed already, so fast. Nevertheless, all the best on the new jobs. Surely internship is more about clerical less medical but grab the chance to learn the system and organisations, do courses, research perhaps. It's a fun year believe me (hiding pinocchio nose).

With Dr Linda, Dr Wan & Dr Farihah at RCSI Conferring Ceremony

With Dr Jazree & Dr Hanif @ TCD Graduation Day (kantoi la plak pakai tudung sama on both occasion..)

Of kompang and wedding bells

Again, my heartiest congratulations to my friends who tied the knots recently. As before, I was not there to attend the weddings. So to Shahnim & Amir, Mieza & hubby (aku lupa sapa nama husband Miezah), may Allah SWT blesses your marriage with love and happiness. Same for the upcoming weddings; DilaSu & partner, Hanif & Aneesa, Ecah & partner, Naim & Hanif,..(trying to remember who else). I am utterly devastated I can't attend your big day but time is just not on my side, yet. Hopefully it will soon.

Blood is thicker than water

So my Ola came and visit me for a week. It's good to see her like that coz I missed her. We went to France for 5 days - Paris, Nice and Monaco and came back with the real tan. Hehe. I used to be her little sister she wished she never had, yes I was a grumpy demanding kid. Now it's all fun reminiscing about it. Though we still fight about things so insignificant like who's sunglasses are cooler or who has a better complexion (she does), she's still the sister who stood by me all along, hand-washed my tudung on this visit (I hate doing laundry remember) and gave her shoulders and wiped my tears on saying goodbye at the airport.

Sunglasses @ La Tour Eiffel, Paris

Just glasses @ Nice, C'ote D'azure

Contact lenses/no eyewear @ Dublin Airport

New place, new life

I'm not supposed it's new, but it's definitely different. Different is new right? I moved from the old place, there's the new job with the new title, the old familiar crowd whom I used to hang out with are gone, some serious new crowd, busier job, there's plan for doing exams, etc etc. I am a new woman too perhaps.

South Dublin City view from the window in my room

I can drive!

This one deserves a heading on its own. For years I've been trying to achieve greater stuff in my life, each time I still feel inadequate because I cannot drive on the roads. Yes I'm a doctor and no I cannot drive. How ridiculous is that. A doctor who cannot drive. So I made up my mind, for once and for all, I have to try to encounter my greatest fear of being on the roads and driving on the wrong lane and hitting a cat like a pancake, etc etc. So I finally did it on mid May, I was actually driving on the highway! Big part of it was a help from a friend, some from my own guts and most of it came from God the Almighty. Eventhough it was a rental car, an automatic transmission one, I still did it. I'm not disabled anymore! Yay!

Rathmines in the morning, picking up a friend on the way to work

So that's a wrap for now. Part of the new job resolutions (if there's such thing), is to try to update the blog more frequently. Most of it will be about the jobs (warning non-medics) also just on life. We'll see.

Tagged

2008-06-16T21:53:00.007+01:00

Aha. Here it goes. Part one..

Tagged by: Aneesa

LIST OUT THE TOP 5 PRESENTS YOU WISH FOR :

1. Free RETURN TICKETS KL-Dublin, to- and fro- every months for 2 years. Yeah worth the DVT long hours flight risk. I don't care..
2. A bibik.
3. Another Jimmy. I miss you.
4. Pintu suka hati. Tolonglah Doraemon..
5. A holiday house in the Alps

LIST OUT THE REASONS FOR YOUR CHOICES :

1. I can go home and be with my loved ones for at least one weekend every month.
2. Her job descriptions only include; doing the laundry and ironing, dusting and hovering the house. Nothing else. I'll do the cooking, clean the dishes, mind the kids (haha). I just need fresh ironed clothes and dust free house. Yippie..
3. I need a pet cat. It'd be great if he looks like late Jimmy. Mak used to say - kalau bela kucing murah rezeki sebab kucing selalu doakan kita bila kita bagi dia makan. Another friend pointed out the fact that orang Cina letak patung kucing dgn tangan melambai-lambai masuk macam dekat kedai emas tu as lucky charm. So how?

Jimmy, Le Chat Blanch
2006-2008

Jimmy reborn? Oh no..

4. Boleh pergi safari in South Africa hari ni pastu besok bukak pintu dah sampai ke Gold Coast, Australia. Wah wah wah...(mata bersinar sinar)
5. So I can go ski every year and my kids can go too and my kids' kids can go too. We'd be the cool ski family, eventhough we will be living in the scorching Malaysian sun. Yay for skiii...snow-plough, pizza, fries, snow-plough..

THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU IS : Aneesa

5 IMPRESSIONS OF HIM/HER :

1. Super thin
2. Eats A LOT and never stimulates her satiety center
3. Impressions no 1 and 2, enough to make me impressed of her. Hehe. I'd gain 1 kg by just staring at a slice of cream cake. No kidding.
4. Bangi mate. Goooo Bangi!
5. Same minds we are most of the times. Great minds think alike ay? Bila projek Afrika nak jalan ni? Hehe.

MOST MEMORABLE THING HE/SHE HAS DONE FOR YOU :

From Bangi to Cambodia to Dublin to Turkey and back to Bangi, through and through..those were the days..

MOST LOVED INVENTION :

Kereta automatic transmission. Thank God for this..haha..

WHAT DO YOU DESPISE THE MOST

Temptations. Which I succumbed into lately. Actually I should hate myself not them.

PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TAG :

Most of my peeps have probably being tagged before me, considering I took moons to get it done with. Anywho, here goes.

1. Iza Kusha, if you're reading this
2. Shahirah
3. Mieza
4. Thirah
5. Ainun Nisa
6. Aliza
7. Ikha, if you haven't done it, and yep, I do read your blog
8. Anep
9. Kop
10. Jaz, with no chance it's being done anyway

Boleh ke aku tag ramai-ramai ni..hehe..

Cheerios~

in and around..

2008-06-05T11:46:00.003+01:00

Hey. I'm back.

The fuel and electricity price hiking is not doing the deal with the people at homeland. Ezam has returned to UMNO. My cat Jimmy died from fever/sepsis last Friday. So sad. My mom consoled me by saying, "Dah sampai ajal dia, nak buat macam mana. Jangan sedih.."

I was talking to one of my dearly beloved friends few weeks back. I was sunk in the concept of guilty pleasure. Sometimes things so wrong can feel right if we lose our conscience. I decided to play along, but I know it's difficult to lie to the heart. How can something so sweet be so wrong. Complexity complexity..

The TV says in every 3 seconds at least one people die from hunger. I think I ate too much cheese. You know at home you can go and buy karipap or keropok lekor for savoury desserts when you feel like it, especially in the evening after work. Here there's no such things. They only have sweet desserts. No karipap at the stall. So the solution is cheese-based food. Coz there's no karipap. And keropok lekor. How stupid is this place. Made me fat from eating cheese.

Part of growing up, I have learned so many new skills. I now master the selective hearing and selective memory skills. I can just mute down people's voices whenever I feel like it. And decide not to remember anything annoying that I don't want to. Cool aight? So I have been enjoying the mute show especially on the wards which I won't really have any recollections after. Super cool. I feel like a superhero already.

Aha. That's the bleep going off. Selective hearing button now activated..

le hiatus

2008-06-04T20:05:00.005+01:00

Hey. I'm still alive.

Feels like moons ago since I last wrote here. So how have you been?

As you can imagine many things happened in the interim. For an instance I had my first ski experience on my first ski trip ever. Ouh I aced this sport. For now that'll be my latest interest. Skiiii. Wait till the high season next winter. Tunggulah.

half of the crew on sketch..I love ski I love ski I love ski..

I have switched to the last rotation in the surgical posting, now breast & general. I missed A&E and my cool consultants. Yes my previous encounters with A&E consultants have put me into conclusion that - all A&E consultants are indeed COOL. I have the prime consultant who love speaking French in between conversations and also make Ernie & Bert's voices on the phone when he was put on hold. Yes Ernie & Bert from the Sesame Street.

le favourite childhood show

The other consultant who's supposed to be 50ish at age still talks about CD collections that Jack Black gave his students in the movie School of Rock. He also once explained to us his conspiracy theory of how Irish ministers were appointed that he compiled and put on power-point slides. That was on the Friday mornings we're supposed to get our weekly A&E teaching, about emergencies and saving people's lives..

Moving on to the new team. The dysfunctional new team. Part of the reason why I rarely update le blog these days, is because I go home very frustrated and depressed I thought I'd turn the blogsphere very sour if I keep constantly whining about the new team here. THEY JUST SUCK BIG TIME. That's it. And I'm at the verge of rebelling. Try me.

It's easy to get frustrated these days. I realized that I've been a fool few times, repented and fell back into the dump. I've been self-less and accomodating others while I was accomodated less. I hate being selfish but I hold myself so low if I don't. So again, I learned from the falls and being hurt.

It has almost been a year passed by. The newborn me last July can walk now if not run a little. We all grow up don't we...

I have a tag to do..and a lot more to tell..stay tuned..

my favourite smarter

2008-04-24T15:29:00.003+01:00

Of all the kids, Lloyd would be my favourite smarter in the British TV game show 'Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old?'

I scratched my non-itchy head looking at these brilliant kids. At 10 years of age I spent my times playing street hockey with the boys, tangkap ikan laga kat paya with the boys (balik rumah dapat sejalur bekas tali pinggang dekat badan), playing softball at the dodgiest taman (when my mate was hospitalized after a big bleeding cut across the foot from the zinc sheet), polis sentri with les boys again, etc etc.

Going to be 10 years old boy, my nephew Naqib's afterschool activities are: kelas Al-Quran & Hafazan at 5-6PM, Smartreader on odd days 8-9PM, Kumon on other days, swimming class, playing with Yaya while watching Spy Baba on Astro, and few odd hours of bicycling around the neighbourhood with friends and coming home crying with a graze on the knee after a fall each time without failing. Oh le difference..

Macy Gray in the houseee!! We sing "I try to say goodbye and I choked..I try to walk away and I stumbled..." We still luv your hair Yayaa..

I am going to the end of A&E rotation. I think I've had enough. Man the hospital is really eating me from the inside.

Yesterday's on-call was officially seen as THE BLEEDING CALL. We've had like, five or more, bleeders. One ended up in ICU. One post-appendectomy guy was rushed to surgery for intra-abdominal bleed. Just when I was about to finish dealing with that case they called me for a per-vaginal bleeding lady. And later there was a massive epistaxis. Stop it already! Like everyone just decided to bleed tonight!!

I heard great news about the newly qualified Doctors. Congratulations!! All hard works paid off. Enjoy your hard-earned title and your long hiatus before the real deal.

good ol' days

2008-04-20T23:34:00.006+01:00

Happy Sunday in the spring. Or is it really spring? The shy weather has reverted back to bitter wintery cold. It's Ireland anyway, the reason why I'm not surprised.

The kind of food that goes straight to your coronary arteries.

I was looking at the old files in the external HD and found these. God those were really the good old days..

Venue: Somewhere in Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Date: Summer 2006
Title: Cambodge Relief Mission Pilot - Advertisements
Notes: We were bored waiting and there were water bottles and cam-corder

Take 1

Take 2

Hahaha. I love these girls so much. So natural..

Then the good Cambodian fun. Hmmm..

Although I was fat (was?) and tanned, I was a much happier person back then. A lot of good fun. Seriously..

Growing up sucks. *Sulk..*

ladidam didam..

2008-04-15T19:02:00.003+01:00

2 most favourite entities; noisy Yaya, la sister..oh 3 actually..and Hello Panda biscuits!!

Ouh it's been nice and sunny the past 2 days. Makes such a lot of difference to me, you and everyone! FYI sunshines to an Irish land are like rains on a hot African desert. Yep summer is coming!

La friend said yesterday, "Summer's coming, we have to be fit!" True. Na'ah we don't wanna see that flabbies we've been hiding under the coats for the past 3 seasons. So she went gym-ming again, and I went running. Gasping for air after a long exercise hiatus, I concentrated on the clouds while saying the magic words over and over again, "Summer's coming, we have to be fit. Summer's coming, we have to be fit." Like a mad woman. Day 1 exercise progress: failed miserably.

Day 2? Haha.. (munching chocolate chip cookies)

I asked le SHO today when things were getting moderately chaotic in A&E (as always), "Do you want me to help you with anything?"

He said, "Yes. Keep on putting that smile on your face.." (Smiled)

I hate you flirty married guy.

Another SHO pulled my arm when it was already terribly chaotic in A&E. We escaped through the back door after stealing 2 small tubs of vanilla ice cream from the patient's fridge. They were niceeee when eaten under the sun outside. What? They taxed us 42% salary each month you know..OK OK I'll pay back the ice cream don't worry..

On-call again tomorrow..happy days.. T_T

an on-call machine

2008-04-13T11:18:00.002+01:00

Happy Sunday in the spring. I have no good breakfast to put here. Got a quick cup of latte and donut in the car on the way back to Dublin, and yesterday was the third time I was on-call this week alone.

Yes I'm doing 1 in 3 calls these days. They're for the on-calls I didn't do when I went home for the break. Seriously, being on-call takes so much out of you especially after working in A&E for the whole day. You're pretty much drained already after 8 hours trying to figure out what's wrong with the sickies and *ehem* saving lives, and now you have to be up in the wards all nights to do the ward jobs. Man it's too much.

And suffice to say the calls I've been doing these past couple of weeks have been challenging as well. A LOT of patients went into respiratory arrest and they happened to be on the nights I was on-call. Great. One of the patients I thought was really going towards the end of the tunnel, he had horrible croaking breath sounds as if he's drowning in his own lungs when I arrived on the ward. I was busy taking ABG, bloods, putting catheter, ordering ECG and CXR while chanting to myself, "Don't die on me, don't die on me, don't die on me..". Yeah like in one of those dramas haha..He actually didn't that night and eventually died the night after.

I'm also beginning to see the whole point of A&E rotation. It's actually very good for an intern cos you've got your arse covered by the seniors the whole time but you're still one of the first line doctors receiving emergency cases. It's cool. One time I actually went overboard and saw a patient in the resuscitation room with a heart attack all by myself and only spoke to my boss about the case 30 minutes after when I finished. Lucky me, nothing happened to the patient in the interim. *Berangan dah terer sangat*

It's also good that I'm seeing varieties of patients with different presentations. A lot of trauma cases as this hospital is the trauma center for this region. Man tell me about it. Every single road traffic accidents and every falls and broken hips. This man was sitting at the bottom of a hill when a water tank rolled down from the hill top and rolled over onto him, leaving him with fractured ribs and pulmonary contusions. I mean, what are the odds for that to happen??! Seriously..

Being in A&E also made me learn few different general rules of life. First rule, always wear nice undergarments, you'll never know when things gonna hit you low. Last thing you want when you're in agony from broken legs is people started cutting your pants only to reveal that horrible undies you're wearing. Haha seriously...Secondly, malang tidak berbau. An example would be the water tank guy above. Tak pasal-pasal terpenyek sementelah tengah duduk lepak di kaki bukit. Lastly and most importantly, everything that lives is certain to die. Whenever your time's up your time's up. This guy came in with a massive heart attack which later went into cardiac arrest. Despite our vigorous efforts of resuscitation, after few rounds of getting v tachy and shock, he died.

Oh well..

That's to sum up the busy week. I was walking home this morning when this Irish guy came from behind and complimented my pink scarf. He ended the little chat with, "Something's good going to happen to you today," as if he sees future..

We'll see..

Saturday musing

2008-04-05T08:58:00.005+01:00

Happy weekend in the spring. Yes I was up early (miracle) and prepared breakfast for myself (another miracle).

One week really crawled. By the time I finished OLLH, I will be wrinkled and aged. Not that I haven't got those now. I miss home and les enfants. I kept wondering what on bl**dy earth am I still doing here. Home is so good FYI.

Oh well tough life..

On another note, I saw this patient yesterday in A&E with new onset PR bleeding. Suspecting an underlying malignancy I asked her, "Have you been losing weight recently? Or did you noticed your pants or clothes have becoming more loosen or big?" She answered, "Yeah I think my pants are loosen. From being washed too much." Pfftt (tried hard not to laugh).

A&E has been interesting. Other than few hiccups (no system is perfect, well certainly not OLLH anyway), I am learning so much there. From chest pain to chest drain to bleeding from down below and up above. Also the kids who fell and banged their heads on the floor when they missed kicking the football to the ones who sprayed Domestos All-Purpose Cleaner in their eyes. I braved myself and succeeded cannulation in those poor kiddies and suturing cuts in their hands.

Oh yes, alhamdulillah on the dawn of March 15th (Malaysian time), I was offered an SHO post in Paediatrics in the General Professional Training (GPT) scheme at one of Dublin children's hospitals. I was in disbelief, tertunduk malu, coz Allah SWT has been answering me eventhough I haven't served Him the best that I could. Insaf lagi.

Yes that training will include 2 more years of my life in Ireland, which 6 months will be in OLLH again for the peripheral hospital posting. Goodness gracious.. (tarik tarik rambut sendiri).

Cheerios. Enjoy le weekend!

p.s: All the best to the Final Professional Exam sitters, it's just one of those hard moments that every single one of us in this field has to endure. And best believe you will look back and laugh yourself thinking about it once it's over, such an experience..

worth travelling half the world for..

2008-03-30T00:13:00.012Z

Yep I went home for 2 and half weeks and back yesterday. Other than the fact that I was sick more than half of the holidays, it was a superb getaway from Dublin. So the return was meant to be a chilled out family moments, and it was. Most of the times the highlights were on the kids. God they grew up so fast I forgot how long I have been away for. And it really sucks coming back here realizing I'm gonna miss another important dates and another chapters in their lives. Man talk about sacrifices..

1. The pioneer

So this is Naqib, the first nephew in the family and also in the extended Wans family. He is now 9 years old and still sucks his thumb when at home or in between the hanged clothes in the mall when people don't see. Despite that, I thought he has matured before his age. Being the first little kid in the family, he used to be treated like an adult since he first verbalizes up till now. So much sometimes we forgot that he is still only 9. The first day I was at home with him and his little sister who needed a change of her diaper, Naqib said to me, "Acu cepatlah tukar adik punya pampers. Nanti sakit rahim dia." Rahim? Dying of laughters already..

I must mention on his 9th birthday party I got the chance to attend this time, I asked him to make some balloon dogs out of the deco balloons. He cleverly you-tubed the video and followed the steps. You should see 2 of the end-products in the photos below. His mom asked not long after he labelled this balloon was a male dog and that one was female - how do you know the sex of the balloon? He answered, "Akib tau la sebab Akib yang cipta dia.."

1. 'They should go on a date'
2. The big bro-thar
3. Bored to death while other people were still excited (note the above persons old style photo hands positions, yes they were that excited)

2. The little rascal

Hope you still remember Yaya, Naqib's little sister, who won the award for the most brilliant 1 and half year old kid! (my own award). She has left me with swollen eyes all night missing her. Yaya was a mystery when she came into the family and still is at present. We never knew who her real parents were, so as she grew up weird things started popping up like the frenzy curly hair and the facial resemblance. If Naqib sucks his thumb, Yaya on the other hand, learned sucking her middle and ring fingers from Naqib and improvised the concept just for a change. That, gave their parents a big headache on how to stop this finger sucking business and God-knows weird bugs and infections they're going to pick up while doing so.

At her age, Yaya has started to realize that she's a bit different from the rest of the family. Not to mention the crowd who gave the weirdest look at her when she went outing. I don't blame them, Yaya does look a bit out of her family picture. So us, trying hard to make it not so obvious started coming up with great ideas on how to reduce that. I suggested to my sister that Yaya should do hair rebonding and straightening. While my mum picked up the better way and said, "Tak pe tak payah la semua tu, Yaya pakai tudung aja nanti." Insaf OK.

1. Going all girly and sweet
2. Yaya, Mummy, Daddy, Akib
3. We are crazy about your crazy hair!

3. The soon-to-be cars pimp

People, this is my older brother's son, Ariff. All 3 years of his life has been about fast cars and vehicles and nothing else. I have never seen such passions, not in a 3 year old chap. His parents go to work with swollen eyes from lack of sleep on the night of an overseas Formula 1 Grand Prix because he drags them into watching it. Last Eid I bought him 3 little cars from Hot Wheels as presents, only to realize that he already have the whole collectibles and few racing tracks from the same company. That doesn't include the small cheaper ones he demanded each time going out to the shop. Yes I am no kidding, EACH TIME. I predict this will go on until July at least, when he will soon be expecting a little brother/sister, unless he overcomes us all and make an ally with the younger sibling to keep demanding for toys. Geez these kids..

I noticed he has adopted some cheeky remarks since his family moved to Kuching. I flew there to meet him this time when he said, "Acu, beri kamik lima!!" for "Gimme five!" How cool.

1. 'Nope, they're (cars) still not quite enough!'
2. The million dollar smile
3. Cars, cars, cars, fast cars!

That, would sum up the reasons why I have sleepless nights going crazy missing them. Now you know..

so, what has happened recently..

2008-03-11T22:56:00.003Z

1. PRU 12

Still a hot topic. I went to attend another business the same day so was busy preparing my a** for it, hence the major ignorance towards the GE. Nevertheless, it was surely an eye-opening outcome if not shocking. The best part's over, worst still to come. Or vice versa. Depending on how you look at it. It's time to materialize the promises. We are expecting major changes in future, so it might be wise to prepare ourselves for it. If another tribes survived in our mainland from scratch, why can't we? Privileges are to be used wisely not to be taken for granted. All the best to you and me!

2. Origin

More guesses on where on bl**dy earth is this doctor from. So I am also from Morocco and Turkey if not from France and Mexico FYI.

3. A&E

So after 2 longest months in OLLH, I finished the wards and now serving the A&E. I got a pink bouquet of roses on the last day in the team, presented by the registrar. This is for all of your hard works. Sometimes it's nice to be appreciated. Period. On a different note, A&E is a big learning field. Kinda suck I will miss half of the rotations. Or not. Depends. The past one week has been on bones and a lot of bones. My God I thought I've lost half of my brain after 9 months not being a full-time student. Just very rusty. I need a Tetanus injection.

4. Changes

A lot of my schoolmates are stepping up a phase in life. Congratulations to you girls. Another friend from college made me think. She said - I will just adopt few orphans if I don't get married by X years. I will be a hot mama and God knows I will meet my Brad Pitt. Nice. That's if I have a hot bod and plumpy lips like Angelina Jolie. Stop dreaming.

5. Reality slaps

I need few of those. Big time. Tuhan jangan ambil nyawaku ketika aku lena dalam perjuangan.

6. Vitamin B12

Worth going for a check. Chronic fatigue and sleepiness. Mungkin aku telah digigit nyamuk tse tse. Who knows. Atau kurang zat. Ye lah tu. Makan macam gajah.

7. ............... (speechless)

Tomorrow's gonna be another day!! (This is not a cliche phrase)

kuih gelang idaman

2008-03-08T13:52:00.005Z

On the motorway returning back to Dublin after work my friend and I usually talk about stuff, then she'll start blabbering what she'll be eating for dinner. Then she said, I don't even need to ask you. I know what you will be getting for dinner already. It hurts to be ignored like that you know.

I have weird fondness on bagels these days. Chilli tuna and bagel. Smoked salmon and bagel. Ayam goreng and bagel. Daging kicap pun makan dengan bagel. My friend said I have issues.

Kalau arwah nenek aku tengok ni pasti dia tanya, apo kono ekau makan kuih donat ni dengan ayam lomak cili padi dak shuhada?

I miss you lah nenet..

a matter of the heart

2008-02-28T14:57:00.005Z

I have 'flutters' lately.

Please cardiovert me.

urat is nerve in English (is it?)

2008-02-24T13:34:00.007Z

My cousin's teenage son was involved in a motorbike accident sometimes last year. He was injured quite badly and stayed in the ICU for quite sometimes. Thank to God he fought his way out of the unit and even the hospital. With residual paresis of the legs of course. Also intermittent spasms. Apparently we noticed there was something different about him after the whole incident, other than the injuries he suffered from.

My cousin clarified, "Rasanya dia dah terputus 'urat malu' jugak from accident tu." (urat malu? apakah?) Yes we noticed that the typical shy growing teenager he was once before has gone, he is now a very chatty gentleman and 'flirtatious' in many ways. One time they realized there were 5 young female physiotherapists voluntarily involving themselves in handling his routine physiotherapy session in the hospital. I mean, five?

Bertuah punya budak..

An issue about mixed marriage was brought up over ice cream and coffee yesterday upon seeing some gorgeous irish-chinese mixed kids. I hinted mum today and at the end of the conversations I got the impression that she has cool down a bit about this whole restrictions on 'no Malay, no entry' thing. Ha ha. My mind's racing now, it's so unfortunate OLLH has very poor prospects for candidates. Damn, wish I was in BH. Hahahaa..

Janganlah urat malu ku pulak yang terputus..erk..

don't cry over a drowned mobile phone..

2008-02-13T11:05:00.004Z

As I watched my approaching 2 weeks old spanking new mobile phone, helplessly, drowning in the clear toilet bowl water while he struggled to vibrate when there was an incoming call at the same time... Poor baby. And the condolences started pouring in. Miss you, I will.

Women are funny creatures. We have impulses. Ever seen a depressed woman go shopping? Is it the hormonal drives or the extra X gene, God knows. It tends to get worse at one specific period of the month; when we have a plateau pattern of the surge; we have the ability to spot a single strand of hair dropped onto the floor and clear 'em immediately, we clean like mad, we binge on simple carbohydrates, we shop, yes we do, and we have ridiculous impulses that put a threat onto the wallet! Isn't the world a more interesting place with us in it?

I am evolving if not growing. The process is slow winding but surely ongoing. I am now doing things I don't think I'd be able to do before. Like climbing up to the 5th floor wards on a 2 inches heels. (And die right after). And listening to dance music. (What?). And have crazy impulses. And having the ability to swallow the bitter truth of making decision and its future consequences. I took antacids to suppress the acids don't worry.

My old boss the respiratory physician taught me that what's limiting a person with diseased lungs during exercise is the shortness of breaths, and what's stopping you and me with healthy pair of lungs is muscle fatigues. If that's true, am sure it is, I think I need to develop some other ways of muscle ventilations coz apparently my x kg bulk of muscles tend to go lactic and fatigue very rapidly on exercising, on my healthy pair of lungs! Maybe reconstruction surgery for a pair of gills on the sides just below the armpits will do. (And later a big fin on the back). Please watch South Park for this episode if you haven't. Freaking funny.

I see an island. And warm breeze. And familiar voices..

Kelly Clarkson rock ass..

from the Far East, please

2008-02-09T21:25:00.000Z

One of the things I enjoy most at work is when having those little chats with the patients while doing cannulas, bloods, etc. It is usually a very quick chat about the crazy weather of the day, the things Irish I heard over the radio, the reasons the patient's in the hospital, etc. Most of them would end up asking me, "So tell me doctor where are you from?". Understandable, coz Irish is a known friendly tribe, and also coz I 'stand out' from the rest being brown and hijab-ed.

So my usual answer would be, "Where do you think?". With a smile.

Most of them will say, "I actually don't know." So I replied, "Just guess."

So my collection of very weird answers are as below.

1. France
2. Mexican
3. Kuwait
4. Emirates
5. Iraq
6. Philippines

No Malaysia, of note. And France?

One time I was talking to a patient who was lying flat on the bed. So I ended up talking above her head. I asked her few questions on a quick history for an admission, and suddenly she stopped talking and smiled. Then she said, "Doctor, you have a very beautiful set of teeth..", out of the blue..

I went to the sink straight after to gargle some water, just in case there was any chili or salads stuck in between my teeth.

Patients, they can be very cute sometimes.

it is indeed February..

2008-02-07T21:56:00.000Z

Halu peeps, how are we doin' these days?

I realized that we've only just gone into the second month of the year. Oh God time flew so slowly in OLLH it is slicing and dicing me up bits by bits. In BH 6 months went in a blink.

Yep nothing has changed since I was last here, I still hate OLLH and I think it has in fact surfaced till the base of the iceberg. The whole lot of us new batch of interns were contemplating at which level of Kubler-Ross's stages of grief are we in at the moment. My friend who was at the worst receiving end of the dysfunctional system said she finally has gone to the final stage of acceptance, after a full course of denial, anger, bargaining and depression. She has actually gone seeking a psychotherapist help starting last week. I ain't kidding you.

For myself, I think I'm still at the immature stage of denial. Hence the reason I made a few pit stops to BH on the way home from work at least once in a week. Feels more belonged there. I don't know. I dread every Monday, and Friday is THE highlight on every start of the week. Yep so pathetic. I don't enjoy my job as much as I used to anymore.

So to compensate I started focusing on the side stuff. Research has been going on well, thank to God the Almighty. I managed to finish writing my first ever abstract as a first author, and 3 more abstracts for joined authors. *Pat on the shoulder*. I realized how much I love medicine and seeking and revealing new findings in the interesting world of medicine. Oh geek! Whatever..

So peeps, you will see me at the break of dawn tomorrow walking in the cold morning with a big smile plastered on my face. Coz the highlight of the week is here, FINALLY!

Cheeeeerios!

Mood: lalalaa~ (team in surgery & co-intern is not around..)

2008-01-23T12:04:00.000Z

My colleagues and I were thinking of the ways to vent our daily angers and frustrations at workplace. It's definitely unhealthy to be angry every single day from 8-6PM. You might end up having peptic ulcer disease.

I suggested we play cards, as in poker, and bet over our on-calls. Talking as if I'm a pro already, I'm sure I'll end up losing and carrying so many on-calls on my back. She said let's just bet over IV cannulas or catheters. Good ideas. Another friend suggested we write in daily journals in a book, it'll be very interesting to read it at the end of the rotations. I silently said in my heart, did that (virtually that is). He he.

I realized I've created a very sour atmosphere here, or to be exact, blogsphere. So to cool it up a little, do enjoy this video. I thought the song is very soothing, the video is very beautiful and he is beautiful. Don't worry, I don't do toyboys.

Toodles!

P.S - Happy Thaipusam! Batu Caves rocks..

for those reasons I am now giving up on this hospital..

2008-01-19T16:11:00.000Z

I officially did.

If I fight it I'll lose. If I don't I'll lose too. So for that I gave up. No more antagonizing, instead I'll just laugh and work whatever stupid way they want me to be. Lesson learned - work your a** to be in the best system you can get. Good system --> good training --> good doctors --> better patient managements. I'm too tired, can't cope with more frustrations no more.

I was dreading today's call. Instead of returning to Dublin on Friday I stayed over a friend's place here to avoid coming early for the call. So after work last night - I, sunk in dreadful on-call thoughts - made my way to the small town here for a comfort outing. To my surprise, there were good few designers shops with massive sale on. As they say, misery loves company. So what happened after that you go figure.

So I was calculating my bad maths - which put me into medical school in the first place instead of any business school out there - I will be working x hours for a weekend call, for the rate of y EUR per hour. But for each weekend call I'm dreading, I spend z amount for the counter-reacting comfort shopping. So am I really making any profits here? Still confused ~~

Life has been quite stale with the mounting frustrations. A friend of mine reminded how life felt empty these days when you go home and sleep, wake up the next morning and go to work, repeating the same vicious circle with no other inputs in it. She said we should start seeking. Yes you know for what (I was actually in blank initially).

She got a point. But it's hard to find a decent guy these days. The closest one was the German patient I did pre-operative work ups in A&E before he went for appendicectomy. Oh he reminded me of the German Psychiatrist in BH. (Damn hot). And that was yesterday only, today he's nowhere to be found. Oh he's not dead don't worry. I'm just too busy to look for him. So life is still crappy. And don't worry, my mum will kill me if I start bringing back guys who speak no Malay.

And those are the frustrations talking.

Cheerios lads.

all hail fast internet connection & digital tv..

2008-01-12T12:40:00.000Z

I was contemplating which internet company would I use this time, since NTL broadband provides no service to the new place. Funny enough, as it is in the heart of Dublin's city where I live now. So I was calculating and juggling things in my head, between getting a decent home broadband but having to wait for at least few weeks for the installation date, or getting a quick plug and play internet with no guarantee of the service quality.

Nah, I was desperate too. As there's no internet in OLLH other than in the library, I was thinking what would I do when I'm on-call over the weekend in between times in the res? So what I exactly need now is - an internet connection small enough to bring around with adequate service to satisfy my digital needs. So 5 minutes before the shops closed a week ago, I stepped in the phone shop and 5 minutes later came home with this brilliant gadget. Yes, all hail to the latest internet technology!!

3DataModem

With the speed of 3.6mbps, one can now surf the internet with only this little modem attached to the computer via a USB cable. As long as there's 3 mobile coverage in the area, this mobile broadband will definitely work for you. I found 3 mobile provides the best service if compared with other similar mobile broadband rivals from O2 and Vodafone. The modem is slightly costly but with the winter offer it was down to the same price as O2. You'll only be paying EUR19.99 monthly with or without 3 mobile account, where else for O2 it is double without the account. And in few months time, 3 will increase the speed to 6.4mbps! Even better. The only probable downside is the download limit which is 10GB. Coverage wise, for my own use both at home and in OLLH I have adequate uninterrupted coverage so far. So to conclude, after 5 days of trial, this little mobile broadband technology is simply exceptional!

And today as well, the NTL guys came to install the digital TV into the place. Not that I'm a TV person, but 2 weeks without the usual norms of Friends over dinner after work is pretty much disruptive.

So I'm back to usual me; with fast internet connection, coffee and digital tv..

The problems with OLLH are..

2008-01-10T21:58:00.000Z

1. They don't have proper heating, freaaking cold hospital!

2. The nurses are all local, the doctors are all 'immigrants' --> respect issues..

3. They don't have green butterfly needles, WE INTERNS USE GREEN BUTTERFLY NEEDLES, PLEASE! TQ V M!

Directions

Attach b) to a) with a special interlink connector. Draw bloods out once you've seen flashback of bloods.

Go to BH and smuggle out a box of green butterflies to OLLH, please do.

4. 85% of the surgical interns are carrying XX genes. Too much hormones going on. Can't take them. Overloaded. Seriously.

5. There's ONLY 2 telephones on each wing. 1 is for incoming calls only. Another 1 is for the nurses. That's the protocol. Doctors have to abide. The protocols. (Where the feck should we answer our bleeps?)

6. After being bleeped few times and you don't answer them, main telephone room will make an announcement to the whole hospital like this. "Dr ___, Dr ___, please call main telephone room now." Or "Dr ____ .. Dr ____ .. (then silence and never continue. What the..). Almost like the one in the supermarket for the missing kid.

7. For the reason we didn't answer our bleeps on time, please refer to no 5.

8. They just don't have good looking/hot stuff staffs here. It's ripping us slooooowlyyy by the day...

P.S - Still keeping the positivity.. (pulling my own hair out each day)

longing to travel again

2008-01-09T22:28:00.000Z

One of the best moments experienced in traveling happened on top of the Duomo of Santa Maria del Fiore in Firenze, Italia (Florence). There were nearly 450 stairs to the top of the dome and it was a brave act climbing up the spiral steps in the narrow tunnel. But it's always said that the end is sweeter if you work the hardest for it.

True enough. It was one of the most breathtaking view I've ever had from the top. The city felt so far away yet so near. You can hear the traffics echoed through the dark night. The city lights were bright in between the buildings and from the moving vehicles but it was pitch black on the skies. The night was so cold but so pretty you just want to freeze the moment alive.

I let go of big sighs, partly from the huffing and puffing from climbing up so many stairs, but mostly from just being engulfed by the magnificent view in front of my eyes..

Firenze, Winter 2007

P.S- Salam Maal Hijrah 1429H. Hijrah inshaAllah..

It's snowing in here...

2008-01-07T22:57:00.001Z

The colleagues walking in the snow at the break of dawn..

OLLH was all beautiful and white on the second day of work. At first I thought it was only gonna be typical Irish snow that will never stick, it did eventually, for couple of days. So there goes my first real snow experience locally, though I'm still planning to go to Switzerland for the real deal one fine day.

Going from a big national referral hospital to a smaller peripheral one is a big change. Everything seems so different; the people (doctors, nurses, pysiotherapists, porters), the utilities, the patients, the food, the library, the doctor's res, even the littlest thing like bungs for IV cannulas are different. I went from all-computerized system to manually fill-in order forms and walk-to-the-lab-yourself type of jobs. It's a big change, more like a backward change; which is kind of sucks. On top of that, doing surgical rotation is not helping the acclimatizations at all. Yes I detest surgery and I think it has surfaced now if not from before.

But as per the new resolutions, this year I'm gonna look at things more positively and make use of the chances available. If one thing I love about OLLH (of other bad things I whined about secretly in my heart while doing jobs) is it can be so relaxing at times. So since I started not a week ago, I have managed to call in the banks, tax office, credit card office, tv cable company, my mum, you name it; which I could never do when working in BH. I was let home early today on a post-call state (with a terrible Sunday on-call that was), when in BH I would just continue the day till the end nauseated and tired. It's a bliss really. And I can start studying and finish my audits and research also, which is another bless.

So when looking at things broadly, the benefits weigh out the loss. After a long time, I can finally start thinking about things other than work. And it's a perfect time of the year too.

I figured the most grateful person is the one who makes out benefits from deficiencies. And I should be one of them really.

On another note, please welcome the little girl Batrisyia Safiyyah who was born on January 2nd. My heartiest congratulations to the happy parents Azlan & Shu for your little bundle of joy. Be prepared for the coming on-call nights, now you'll know how I really feel the past 6 months. He he.

Aku pulak yang excited ha ha..

P.S - I need to find a new hobby..

moving in

2008-01-01T00:47:00.000Z

Happy New Year 2008 dear readers.

A LOT has happened in 2007. Mostly life changing. I don't know whether it would be wise to list them all here, maybe I should just keep them to myself. Maybe I shouldn't. (See at the end of another year part of me is still the same old me; indecisive, secretive (source doubtful?), lack of confidence in oneself, the list goes on.)

I'm not a good person. If one thing I would mourn about 2007 is the decreased performance of amal, good deeds and remembrance of God. I know I could've done better than what I did. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it was me all along. So I thank Allah SWT for still loving me by giving all of the nikmahs which sometimes I think were too good, considering my very poor performance all along. I always think it was my parents' du'as which made the difference, if not for them I don't know what would happen to me really.

Come to think about it, life goes around in circles. From birth to death, young become old, poor to rich, and poor again, or rich, you might loss what you have in your hands, and one day they return, one time you're up on the top next day the bottom, what you do today affects tomorrow, and most importantly what you do in life affects your after-life. Life has been too busy sometimes you forget the very basis of it.

I'm thinking of using the new year as a marking point for self-corrections. They're not new resolutions really, I don't know what you should call them. So here's to the better me in 2008, inshaAllah..

sayo~

2007-12-29T12:52:00.000Z

So I finally came to the last day of work in BH. Couple of hugs and tied up some loose ends. Here we go, sayonara.

Working in a big hospital has certainly taken so much out of me, both in good and bad ways. Let me see, after 6 months the hospital has taken away 5-8 kg of my weight, gave me a pair of racoon eyes and ruined biological clock. I have certainly developed resistance against a human strain called nurses with quick antidotes of hot nice staffs, hot mostly. I came home wrecked everyday and after 6 months I've eaten all sorts of vegetarian dishes and fishes I ever did my whole life. Here's the best one to sum the daily to-do list.

But to be honest it has been an exciting 6 months really. To put it simply, I was lucky I had some great things going on in the middle of the long arduous working hours, that I can actually hold in my hands as compensative measures. Things like, great boss, great teammates, research opportunities, direct learning, case and journal presentations (OK nerdy). They've been great really.

So I will miss this place for the good things, big time. Thinking back I've been here for longer than I thought. Starting the 3rd year of medical school, my bosses were the ones who once taught me and the ones I've always looked up to when I was a student. I know I'll be back for few days once in a while in future (research again), but to work here again is something still uncertain. Considering my options in future career pathway that is.

On the new year greeting card I received from my other boss it says,

"BH loss will be OLLH gain.."

He's very nice indeed.

Also with that I received another $$$ gift voucher. Looks like there's gonna be some serious new year's shopping spree going on. Ka-chingggg.....

Fair

2007-12-24T23:38:00.000Z

Except it's not even summer yet.

When I was sure you'd follow through,
My world was turned to blue.

When you'd hide
your songs would die,
so I'd hide yours with mine.

And all my words were bound to fall.
I know you won't fail...

see, I can tell...

P/S: Izakusha, I'm sorry I abandoned your calls over the windows (the fact that you called when I was asleep). I need you for the quick therapy..

celebrations & holidays

2007-12-21T16:20:00.000Z

First of all, Selamat Hari Raya AidilAdha dear readers.

My raya was fine, on the night of raya eve I was browsing through some old raya pictures when suddenly the urge to cook some traditional dishes came. Mind you, after like months of hiatus from the kitchen that is. I'm amazed at myself how did I survive on tuna, serunding, maggi goreng Mawi (haha), cereals and junks all these while. So raya was spent with an early leave from the hospital, eating my own nasi minyak and rendang, and a visit to friends' place.

Maaf Zahir & Batin all.

Merry X'mas and Happy Holidays too.

You could almost smell the strong holidays atmosphere lingering around the hospital. Everyone's in a cheery mood, some felt pressurized by the system pushed on the holidays mode (including yours truly) but everything seems to ease off today. Technically it's the last day for most people coz x'mas falls on the Tuesday and a lot of of people would be off on Monday. I got a x'mas present from Prof H and my old Big Boss in a form of $$$ (voucher). Ka-ching! (bunyi duit bertaburan di gedung membeli belah). I love them unconditionally.

I'm starting to feel the drift of going to the new hospital in January. I must say that I'm very much comfortable with respiratory medicine already that I hate the idea of changing. I love the team (I love being the baby of the team that they protect and teach me so much), I love the boss, I love the usual conversations and bitching about the nurses and staffs. But as much as I do, I know I needed the change for good reasons. Primarily being the requirement for the medical council is doing the surgical rotations. Secondly I think I'm getting enough of this hospital already, yep, though as much as I love my team..

Prof H said to me in his last ward round today (writing this here so I can go back one day and read them),

"Thank you very much Wan, I really appreciate all of your helps. I think you did very well and you're very committed to your jobs. Thank you again.."

I answered with some brief sentence of "Not at all Prof. I learnt a lot being in this team". Mainly because words just stuck deep in my throat from sadness of leaving, and secondly I'm afraid if I said more I'd cry, that's in front of my boss, my registrar, my SHO and the 2 medical students..malu siut..

But now I really feel like crying. That's because everyone's gone home and I'm stuck working tonight. Crap.

it's about time (for everything to happen)

2007-12-16T10:38:00.000Z

I went out for coffee and dinner in town when I realized it was quite late to return to my far away home. So I decided to crash in the usual place at the neighbourhood I used to live for 3 years during the student's life. I was heading towards the place when I saw a familiar figure from afar. Garfield?! So I shouted his name and it was knee-jerk reflex he came running to me. I mishhh youuuu....odd enough he was running back and forth to me and towards my old place with that white door. Obviously he remembers me..aaaawwwWw..

This week has been MENTAL. 5 months of internship I have never been in such frustrations, anger and madness. I finally have reached the limit, the boiling point where things started to surface. I realized I was being very nice, em too nice to many group of people but got shites in return.

Never in my life I swore in vulgarity so much, my colleagues started to question the nice Wan who seemed to have gone. Thursday was painstaking, everything started coming up to the nose level. That night I was on-call and there was a cardiac arrest. I did the last compression before we called it. She didn't make it. The registrar was brilliant, but somehow I was terribly affected by the incident. Friday morning my kind SHO asked the queasy look. Wrong move. It was like poking a balloon full of water with a needle, I burst out in tears. Ah you know when you're feeling awful and people acknowledge, you simply can't help it..

I don't know for how long I can bear this bollocks anymore. It's really getting into my skin now..

Speaking of which, I finally came to another crossroads, again. Being an indecisive person is terrible. I can't make a straight call. I'd love to care less and proceed, but I'd be lying to my heart. I don't know..

of work (again)

2007-12-04T22:18:00.000Z

I've just started my job with Prof Horatio's team again. Upon seeing me today he said, "Welcome back, Wan. Glad to have you back with us." OK I think I blushed a bit. Heee~ (terbang ke angkasa lepas).

To be honest, guys don't need to be essentially good looking to be attractive. Like Prof H. (OK he's my boss and I know my limit). But the vast knowledge and the brilliant sarcasm he contained in him, gawd. Plus he has the greatest charm when connecting with people.

Last week he gave a presentation in the medical grand round about NIPPV. (He's the NIPPV guy in the hospital, big time). After 30 minutes of a very comprehensive presentation, the floor was opened for questions. One of the gastro-enterology consultants (an author of a famous concise textbook we use as a medical student too) raised his hand and asked.

"I know how unpleasant the NIPPV mask can be on the patients. Have you tried using the mask with the machine on yourself Prof H?"

He answered.

"Have you tried the colonoscopy yourself Dr P?"

OK the floor was burst with laughters. I know I know he's brilliant.

a guy on NIPPV

Colonoscopy

I have been in a very dry state lately. Dehydrated from not having the time to drink water. How ridiculous was that, everyone thought. It's true though, my upper lip is badly cracked from dehydration and now very red and sore. Sometimes I think I look like someone who has herpes.

There's a (very hot) psychiatric registrar in the hospital. Yep the tall and scruffy curly hair German guy. Today we sent a consult to his team when one of our patients with newly diagnosed lung cancer was expressing a very strong suicidal ideation in her conversations. I saw him in the ward at noon just after he finished reviewing the patient. He called me for a discussion, and me, with my herpes lips went to him and had a one-on-one lengthy talk about the patient. Yep with my red cracked half blown upper lip. Hideous. There goes my chance. Not that I have any...

OK later I found out that he's already married to an Aussie chick. (Harapan pecah berderai).

here comes the day

2007-12-01T23:14:00.001Z

You got me right. I turned 24 yesterday, though everyone in the ward said they thought I was 21 at age still. I replied, "Thanks to MAC foundation you cannot see my fine lines in the face."

It felt different this year. For a start I didn't even think about my birthday enough because of the tight work schedule. Then I had my first birthday song which was sang by a bunch of nurses with the ward sister handling a jar of sweets to me right after. Then going home as if nothing had happened. I miss the usual supposed-to-be-surprised-birthday-surprise which would be annually arranged by my old mates. Thanks to the present mates, I could still cheerish the birthday moments with the right people.

Just for something different today, let's recall the previous birthday entries in this blogging arena.

2nd Year. The first year blogging. Yep the year of bad english, poor sentence arrangements, all in a day journal thingy going on. Oh we all started somewhere there didn't we? Not that I've became THAT good now anyway..

3rd Year. I remember clearly that year somehow I felt really old. 21 OK. Now I'm supposed to feel even older technically speaking. Still, poor English and bad train of thoughts that one.

4th year. I was in Navan at that time. Nice bed & breakfast, great peripheral rotation, interesting bunch of people, great experience.

Final year. More like it that year. Simpler and more matured arrangements. Matured eh? Poyo kot..he he..

Did I seem to grow these past 5 years? You be the judge.

Though I didn't get big presents like the previous years, I'm still grateful for another year experiencing birthday with friends like this when I thought I have none anymore when they all went home (OK emo sikit). But mostly my gratitudes are for Allah SWT for another wonderful year of life, which at the 24th year I have managed to realize one of my childhood ambitions. The arrangement was like this all along;

Cita-cita Shuhada

1. Doctor
2. Surirumah

Alhamdulillah I hit number one. Thank you Allah. I promise this won't be the end. I have a long way to go, guide me through please.

I have actually promised to treat myself with something this time. Moderately, as it supposed to be. Instead, sometimes things can be so out of hands. Especially when it comes to me and the best creation on earth - shoes. So today I accidentally bought few pairs of shoes, err I mean, 4 pairs of shoes. (Lari menyorok bawah duvet). I don't know should I blame the impulse or the crazy birthday justification. Both I think.

OK yg hitam tu from M'sia. Sini mana ada Vincci. He he.. (another pair not in picture)

I also spent the morning after celebration at the quay's near Dublin port. It was serene beautiful. Freezing cold though. I couldn't feel my fingers and toes at one point, and I swear I won't even realized if my hingus were trickling down the nostrils. That cold. I went with blades, 2 lenses and these people.

Asian roller-blade team

Naah, they're just a bunch of final meds with good interests.

Thanking everyone for another year, another wishes, another thoughts and another dreams..

jalan terus

2007-11-26T23:16:00.000Z

OK video minggu ini pastilah.

Semoga aku berupaya menghapus jejakmu. OK jiwang ferum oksida (karat).

So I am 100% back to the usual life of a junior doctor. Yep the one that revolves around CT scans, bloods, and sometimes good looking doctors and staffs. My return this time was greeted by a patient's lists of one full A4 sized paper. Overloading. So I started doing the jobs blindly, ordering this and that, discussing this and that. Have to sort them all and yep, got them all sorted, again, blindly. No time to even go through the proper history why they were admitted at the first place. Oh well..

The most interesting thing I saw today was legs swelling, that one can never imagine how grossly enormous they could be. Massive, all fluid filled. Poor lady in pain.

And today is dad's 59th birthday. I send prayers that Allah swt grant him health and wealth all along, herein and hereafter. Abah went highs and lows to make sure his children became what they are now. There were difficult times, and having the daughter so grumpy, demanding, difficult but cute like myself is not helping. Aah now is the payback time you say. So for that I'm attributing whatever my life now is to him. What would I be without you dad..

me amor, mucho ti amor

2007-11-24T16:00:00.000Z

IzaKusha spotted me on the dot upon stepping foot at home. We simply connect. She showed me this.

We WILL live happily ever after my friend, soon InshaAllah. It's been more than 10 years, we SO feel each other.

I'm just recuperating from Italia. The house is upside down, and I have loads to do on my list. I mean really, LOADS. Everything feels so cold outside the room. OK pecah rahsia tak mandi lagi.

Back to friggin' reality.

Venezia, Italy

i'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise, i'm by your side..

2007-11-14T22:16:00.000Z

I was almost certain I sang that Delilah song in my head while I was writing the medical notes at the desk when one of the doctors there suddenly started following my tunes. Erkk. I turned my head up and there he was smiling away. That Delilah song is seriously haunted. This could be very cliche or I could just possibly be hallucinating post-call.

Moral of the story is not to use the song as your alarm tone in the morning OK. Especially when you're on-call.

We have one patient who was admitted with severe CO2 narcosis with initial pH on the ABG of 7.19 (severe acidosis). He was refusing treatment while trash talking to the SHO, who apparently lost his coolness and started pointing out the fact that he might well be dead if he didn't start using the NIPPV machine right away. So he did. And the blood pH and CO2 recovered.

Today the night staff reported that he was refusing the machine again. We spoke to him, literally had to bargain about his life-threatening actions. After few different chats with him and the family, we came to conclude that he wanted comfort measures with minimal interventions. That means he can refuse treatment as he wishes and we'll respect that decision.

I went to do a repeat ABG on him. He was zonked, I'd say from the accumulating CO2 in the blood. Literally had his eyes rolled up and arms twitching and flapping intermittently. I was talking through to him while poking the needle in, not sure he listened. Before I left I heard he said, "Say your prayers to Allah for me please." I halted, not sure I was listening correctly. "Pardon me?" And he repeated the same words.

The last time somebody said that to me was Mr Smith. And he died not long after. Man..

I'm wrecked, homeless and lost

2007-11-11T00:13:00.000Z

What are the odds of having the unexpected things happening in one day?

It started with the painful workloads from carrying 3 bleeps --> there were no senior doctors in the respiratory team to manage the patient who blew up like a Michelin man from SVCO --> the iced cold weather made me couldn't breathe --> the thousands of discharge letters on demands --> realizing the keys to the apartment has been left somewhere at the workplace --> then the battery of the mobile phone went dead altogether.

Lucky there's still friends whom one can crash place into.

Michelin man OK

The fact is I miss home so much. And I cannot do anything about it tonight. The pin number for the phone card is in the dead mobile phone. Great. It's shameful how incapacitated human can be without simple technology. Maybe I should start training doves to be my messengers.

At this pace, life is so frustrating it's unbearable. Mostly from being busy and its consequences. And being lonely. And being busy too. And I wonder if karma is playing me cause I can really feel the jinx now.

I pray to God the Almighty to forgive me..

connecting at 3 degrees Celsius

2007-11-07T22:39:00.000Z

It has been extremely extremely busy I wanna scream.

"AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". (muka dlm bantal).

There.

Winter's coming over, so all already bad lungs in the world would go worst in these cold days, hence why the list of patients has been actively expanding. In fact it was so hectic that once I got home I felt terribly lonely from doing nothing. So today I stayed over with the on-call team just to have dinner with them. THAT lonely. I was later sent home by one of them. I'm lonely but not in love with the hospital OK.

Living alone like this, I realized one of the essentials in life would be good companies. No matter where you'd be thrown to, with great people around it'll somehow get you through things. I've had great companions before, and still do, thought I've lost some, I'm still grateful for whoever's still here for me. I'd kill myself from depression if not for you. OK I won't actually.

So thank you to the chinese x-ray lady who've been helping me finding my lost x-ray films, to the patient who said my crooked un-ironed tudung was lovely today, to the bitchy nurse in the ward who made me having a great time bitching about you back with my colleagues (you bitch I bitch, whatever), to the physiotherapist who'd passed for the next Superman's role (why did you wear contact lenses and became more delicious, why?), to Nikon and Sony for having Korean food with me the starving intern, to my cool teammate who kept checking things on me while he was on leave, to Prof Horatio for just being Prof Horatio (sighing out loud) - I simply owe you big time for helping me going through things, directly or indirectly.

Not forgetting my dear family and friends at home whose supports and love have been overflowing, to Majlis Amanah Rakyat for sponsoring my life here the past 5 years and allowing me to stay over to work, to all Malaysians in general, go boleh-land!

This has been more like an award-winning speech and way too damn emotional..

the Saturday well-planned

2007-11-04T10:41:00.000Z

How have you guys been?

I have been extremely busy in honesty. No it was actually the work which has been extremely busy, and I'm just sucked into it. I have developed some kinda acclimatisation towards the busy lifestyle. For an instance there's an indentation from my bum on the 2 seater couch at my lounge where I fell asleep every night coming back from a long day a work. You'd imagine my bed is still tenderly untouched since I started working this time around. Thank God for mum's home-made rendang, I have lost my touche of idea on how to turn instant noodle into something more palatable.

My team was on-take on Thursday with both the registrar and SHO away the day after. So you'd imagine only us the 2 interns in the team running around to manage the new patients with all sorts of illnesses in the world.

On Saturday I was planning to renew my visa here so I woke up really early for that. Walking out to the bus stop, I saw the bus coming from afar when I was approximately 200 meters away. So in my slightly uncomfortable shoes (beauty is pain), I, with all my might, ran my life away to catch the bus coz it'll only be at least 15 minutes after that another bus would come. Here's the rough illustration of what happened.

So in my poor scale drawing, you can see the traffic lights there which helped me by putting out the red light at the correct time. I would go and kiss you if I wasn't running for my bus. Then there were my coins for the bus which flew out gracefully from my coat's pocket when I was intensely running. And as I came closer to the bus stop, I noticed there was this one old lady who was walking while pushing her trolley of stuff just at the roadside. She suddenly stopped walking and parked her trolley while cheering out for me "Run girl, run! You'll catch the bus if you keep running!". OK Aunty, do u see what am I doing now? Don't worry I didn't say that, I was busy controlling my breathing so I'd look like someone who's used to sprint out like that. Yeah like the one in the olympics. I smiled at her though, I'm not that cruel. So yeah, I managed to catch the bus just on time. **huffing & puffing**

So that was me on Saturday. Another incident happened at the immigration office. I'd love to put an illustration on it but afraid I might be caught by the local officer for my suspicious immigration building drawing plan. Ah you know these people these days..

On-call tomorrow..eurghh..

my best

2007-10-24T00:11:00.000+01:00

Dear Girls,

I haven't been so happy in my life for as long as I could remember it (most of the good memories have been repressed by the ugly life of a junior doctor). Thanks to you girls, I have something to smile again now come to think about. For such a short meeting, I realized though we haven't met for a long time, we never really have lost the closeness. I knew instantly that I can just blurt out my life stories irrelevantly believing you'd be the troops I can always count on.

Thank you for making the afternoon such a memorable one, thanks for the text messages and phone calls. Love you girls to bits.

*without Shawn & Kuzhai

OK, special thanks to

1. Tok kadi for the special charity photoshoot, for allowing us to violate your copyright, and mostly thanks for being the instant step up mock partner one can ever get.

2. Iza for making me believing in such a controversial statement - sape2 pun mampu buat telepathy, kalau cukup tenaga batin.. I came to Dublin with 2 large packets of Pearl Cafe..ha ha..

3. Kakak baik hati for sending me off to KLIA.

Sayonara. Until we meet again.

I will be back to the mortifying life of a junior doctor tomorrow. I'm dreading every single thought of it, urghh..

photos galore: Syawal 1428H

2007-10-23T23:04:00.000+01:00

bunga api malam raya

K.Rina, Naqib, Ayep

empty arwah nenek's house filled in again on hari raya

Adik & Naqib playing macho

rumah puan sambal udang

my signature pineapple products

old granny's stairs

big sis on kenduri

cousins, in-laws, sisters

finally anyam ketupat after long years of ketupat adabi

we call this familial resemblance

rainy raya day

that was just Naqib playing retarded

Aya et moi - Selamat Hari Raya all!

raya this year

2007-10-18T08:30:00.000+01:00

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri & Maaf Zahir Batin.

This year's raya celebration has been, by far, the best one I've ever had. 5 years is indeed a very long time. After 2 days spending raya in kampung, I realized how much I've missed being away from home all these while; too much.

Raya celebration brings a whole lot of new perspectives when it occurs at the right place.

1) Kuah kacang tasted super delicious with belimbing buluh added in it, and having the chance to taste the original sambal udang again after such a looooong time is just tears-dropping.

2) It's amazing how one can stand the hot weather, even in the old granny's house with zinc roof - although it felt like being in a green house honestly.

3) Waking up to a morning served with simply the best in the world cekodok ikan bilis and rendang tok is totally something to die for (and waking up again for the same).

4) People really grow. At one point you've lost count and trace of who's who.

5) It's like a search for the best kuih raya award each time. After going through few elimination rounds, I've finally found the most perfect, the one that stood on its own, simply the best, kuih mazolla one can ever get. Hehe..

6) "Traap..traap..traap.." says the rain on the tin roof.

7) Here getting ill is a total bliss. Other than having to bear the sickness, there shall be overflowing of love.

8) It's funny how the same stairs the whole lot of us used to sit on, now can only fill less than half the number.

9) Raya at kampung is so amazing; you wouldn't mind going raya around in selipar jepun not to stained proper shoes from mud poodles, and sacrificing the silk baju kurung sleeves reaching out for original rendang ayam kampung.

On another note, for years and years I haven't been receiving duit raya, by the time I realized about it, I am now giving one. It's just amazing how a simple blue note can bring a lot of joy to the little ones receiving them, when you spent hundreds and hundreds of them on a single use on make-ups that you'd barely use. How odd.

Nonetheless, salam aidilfitri to all..

pulanglah di hari raya..

2007-10-07T23:46:00.001+01:00

In tally with the climate, here's to emphasize the sappy raya mood evenmore.

I spent the weekend contemplating, and something came up short after. I realized I should give myself a chance this time. It looks brighter on the other end. (Praying hard). I know it's about time to start dreaming again.

Nonetheless, Eid Mubarak to my dear readers, friends, everyone. I sincerely ask forgiveness for all my wrongdoings throughout the years.

Hope you have a wonderful Eid celebration!

See you at home!! *smiling from ear to ear*

stitching bits and bobs

2007-10-06T07:47:00.000+01:00

OK listening to lagu raya early in the morning is a baaadd idea..

One day on the way home on the radio it played the dream interpretations by some dream reader guy. I thought, how ridiculous was that. One lady was asking the guy to interpret her dream of catching her partner sleeping with her friend. What the..

Then I realized, I haven't had any dreams in my sleep for a long time. I mean, never. They just disappeared. I should start dreaming again. Good dreams now. Nightmare season has passed (exam season).

At present most of our patients are in needing of surgical consults. One guy admitted with chest pain after a fall. Just when we're about to discharge him we found out that his aortic aneurysm has been expanding. A lady with recurrent falls and weakness in her legs had her MRI showing severe cervical canal stenosis. The young cystic fibrosis patient with worsening radiculopathic symptoms had a foramen magnum decompression surgery, and scheduled for a permanent surgical stitch removal on his rectum next. Emm..

Having to deal with those, I realized that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to comprehend and deal with most surgeons. If you can bear the yelling then you're OK. They acted like they're the BUSIEST and most IMPORTANT person in the whole wide world. I'm not generalizing, but sometimes you get frustrated and fed up with some that you can't help it but to generalize.

I watched this going home after a bad day experiencing surgeons. Definitely made my evening. Of note, here there's no rivals between interns. We love each other so much.

We have come to the final nights of the holy month. Shamefully this year has been the worst record of my scale of amal. I don't know I'd pass to even celebrate eid. Shame on me..

jalan terus

2007-10-02T20:02:00.000+01:00

My heart aches as I read this on my mobile, over and over again.

I can safely say that it's been an honour to work with a kind, trustworthy & sincere person such as yourself. It's been immense! You'll make a fantastic paediatrician.

I haven't been in my best state this week. There's a major switchover of the team members - I'm still here. Most people (but not the boss) suggested that I should go home at noon today. Smiling back, no thanks. Who's left to deal with the CT scan, endoscopy, consult requests? Though my stomach was weak and queasy, the face almost blown off from sneezing, I embraced the day. Blame the norovirus outbreak. Alas, the show must go on..

I'm patiently waiting for next week. It seems so far away. (I need to get away from these bollocks immediately, I'd die if I don't)

terima kasih tummy trim..!! setelah menggunakan produk ini, saya..(sambung sendiri)

2007-09-30T23:30:00.000+01:00

I was handling the shirt to be paid at the till in X shop, when the girl at the counter asked me,

"Do you bring your student card with you? We have 10% discount for students."

I smiled back at her, reasons because

1. I got 10% discount on the shirt. But most importantly,
2. I don't have to start thinking about the anti-wrinkle products, not as yet!

Ngehee..*sengih*

the end of a quarter

2007-09-30T11:09:00.000+01:00

Last Friday marked the full first quarter of the journey as an intern. And also entering the second half of madrasah Ramadhan. Man time really flies.

Words travelled about the intern evaluations done by the intern tutor; where we were graded by our dear consultants, asked for feedbacks and discussed on future directions. Some can proudly smile coming out of the room, some were just numbed. Myself, I can safely say that it's been an honor working with the two prominent Profs.

It has been a little emotional lately. The new team exhibited intense negative force which sometimes seemed unbearable. Though not directly projected towards me (and nothing to do with me), the tensed and sour environment I was in most of the time turned me into this kinda - unhappy - person at work. It reached its peak on Friday when the joined Consultant handed me my SHO's bleep. Yep he's gone from the team, going to a different hospital and we'll be getting a new SHO starting Monday. I was dumbfounded. I wish I had given my testimony prudently to support him. I will surely miss his presence come Monday.

Here professionalism works in line with the system. A little glitch will be fixed, and there's always a way out in a civilized manner. But still, it'll be better if it didn't happen at a first place. Now that I'm getting a new SHO. I can be resistant to changes sometimes if you don't know..

It kinda suck. But the good thing is I'll be gone in a week's time for my annual leave. My mind will be at ease for the 2 weeks. And this whole phenomenon really supports my previous theory - your beauty really glows when you're a lot nicer to people believe me.

Ah hospital politics again..

esok hari keje lagi

2007-09-26T23:56:00.000+01:00

He he. Thanks Sher. U made my night.

Few of the cystic fibrosis patients were discharged today. I was a bit sad. Attached again, wrong move. It's just that they're so young and has been through a lot.

One guy in particular has the bad end of the disease, being in and out of the hospital all the times despite being very compliant to treatments. Boy he was bored, he started making stories to the medical students I sent to speak to him about smoking heroin/marijuana, and one time 'confessed' to my SHO that he has only one testicle. The SHO, being him, took his words without a doubt. I was cracked knowing the stories later on.

I have a confession to make too.

At this moment, next 2 weeks, guess where I'd be?

HOME.

Sweet..

ah, post-call state this is

2007-09-25T22:08:00.000+01:00

Do you have a boyfriend?
No, good friends.
Well then I don't know what he's doing not proposing you. He's missing something great.

Not my conversation don't worry.

This was mine.

You're very lovely.
Ah thanks, you're being nice.
No I mean it anytime.

When you hear this from a stranger in the middle of the night; after been working more than 20 hours, in your sloppiest state (eye bags, skewed tudung, scrub suit), it just left you in great sublimity. Make sure you're not hallucinating though.

I learned a lot from my patients. At present we have 3 patients with lung cancer. One of them held my hand today and asked, how long does he have more to live? What do I say? What would you say? Another one deteriorated badly after thefirst session of radiotherapy. As if something's gonna happen, she was holding tears when she said her biggest thanks to the team for taking care of her since admission.

Another lady I met in the endoscopy suite while preparing her for bronchoscopy. She was the happiest person I've ever met going for the procedure. She whispered to me about 'the shadow' Prof found on her chest x-ray, hence the bronchoscopy today. Her children asked what was it about. She answered it's nothing, and she'd be fine. I made a joke about the possibility of her being in denial state. She said, yeah, but she'll fight whatsoever.

So much for the school of life.

cuti

2007-09-21T13:03:00.000+01:00

My first day off since I started working 2 and 1/2 months ago. It feels so good to go back to bed and wake up late on a Friday morning. Man I almost forgot how it feels like!

The weather has started to get colder. I used to leave the window open for some fresh air in the room, now I barely can do anything from shivering if I do so. Yesterday for the first time we turned on the heater in the house. I thought I could bear the cold after 5 cycles of Irish winter, clearly I don't know myself that much. Geez I miss home.

Here's Doraemon for you. Enjoy! (I certainly did). I'm thinking of making something sweet and homey. Probably kuih ketayap or onde-onde. I don't know.

(The fact is I want mommy! I'm such a lazy ass..)

selamat berpuasa, minta maaf ye..

2007-09-17T22:10:00.000+01:00

Ramadhan Mubarak everyone!

I started the month back in my old team. Just when my heart has fallen into the new team fully, I have to restart things all over again. It's hard, the dynamic of team somehow feels a bit off. Nonetheless, who am I to complaint. Dah kuli kan..

Luckily there are friends for quick comfort measures. Probably one of those blessings in disguise..

Doing on-call when you're fasting is way too challenging. At the end of the night when my sugar's a bit low (from just breaking the fast with water and nothing else) and my temper's gone elsewhere but with me (too tired to be mad), I uttered the words to my colleague - You're either gonna die young having a sexually transmitted disease, or being the 1st medical intern on-call tonight - I was exaggerating though.

I made a promise to myself to stop looking at those cute things on the wards, OK to be exact those tall and tanned scruffy curly hair thing with cute accent. MashaAllah, jaga mata..

The other part of coming out from a difficult situation i.e a tough night on-call, the pressuring team members, etc - is the treat for self-reward. I remember spending more than 50bucks on stupid sundries in the hypermart after having a tough day. And coming home feeling even worse when thinking about the money stupidly spent. You know one of those gratification that works in a mysterious way when you're reaching out on the stuff displayed on the shelves. Women, haish..

This time on-call I bought myself the real reward I've been waiting for. As for now as long as I smell like amber and rose, I'm a one happy miserable intern..

So hope you guys have a blessed Ramadhan. InshaAllah we'll work our way through this, hopefully it'll be one of the best months we've had.

a little love on the toast

2007-09-09T15:43:00.001+01:00

Happy weekend.

I'm a little distraught by the fact that friendster is displaying wedding photos like a catalogue. I don't know how should I react towards them. Panicked? Pressured? Happy? Inspired? Yeah inspired probably. (Yer right..)

Congratulations and the best of luck to another batch of Irish graduates to start working next week. I really miss you guys I do!

Sunday has always been very slow and a lot of thoughts put on it. I realized I should stop watching Asian dramas on love stories, sad ending love, heartbroken lover, short lasting marriage; the negativities just put the mood on the low side really.

Mom's wisdoms counter react with everything, so I managed to kick the duvet out and woke up to another Sunday. Hence the love on the toast~

Tomorrow's another day. Let's just forget about it for the moment and enjoy Sunday..

so I heard it's coming

2007-09-08T23:07:00.000+01:00

It's gonna be Ramadhan next week. One of my colleagues asked about it and put on a pity-you intonation on to it with - owh is it really, I don't know how are you gonna survive - and later surprised when I answered - I'm actually really looking forward to the month - with my honest and no-single-doubt expression on to it.

The fact is I am really honestly. It's just that the year has been long, and a weak being like me who sometimes loses touch on the continuity of my amal needs a good month to remind me to rejuvenate my weaken imaan, before it's too late I supposed.

I still remember clearly the past Ramadhan spent here. One of the best things I would miss this year would be praying tarawikh with my housemates. We would take turns to lead the prayers, on some days when the tummies were full from overeating and the eyes were too heavy, we would remind each other about the wrong verses recited. After that we would go into our rooms and started reading the Quran. It was like a race with time, a month was too short for the 30 juzk and being females, well you know the story. So imagine the final nights of the month when everyone's catching up with the lagged juzk, you could hear from the lounge the tranquility of silence broken by some slow voices of verses from the Quran being recited. So peaceful.

As with last year, I got a special delivery of dates (tamar) from an Arab friend, this year even before Ramadhan. Simply one of the best bunch I've ever had, just because they're picked and given to me fresh from the trees.

I had dreams that this year I'd spend Ramadhan at home, after years being away. In my dreams mom served me warm milk with dates for suhoor, and we'd still be around the table though half-asleep and not eating. Breakfasting would be colourful and varieties, mostly on drinks. My sisters and I would follow mum and dad to the mosque for tarawikh. Oh you know the guys in the family, they'd go in their own cars. Moreh is something to look forward to, as always. Towards the end of the month the sisters and I would start baking cookies and cakes. A lot new recipes, a lot of fun.

Hmm. I guess dreams would be dreams.

1. Kids & bird (toy)
2. Mesmerizing
3. Jimmy
4. Happy hours
5. Naqib

Alas, Ramadhan Kareem everyone!

the hospital school

2007-09-04T18:40:00.000+01:00

Things that I've learned so far

1. Politics take place at lunchtime. Backstabbing, lobbying, (bribery), secret handshakes, etc - the usual political stuff.. *yawn*

2. Most she-doctors and staffs who are not nice are not good looking, at all. I'm cruel, whatever.

3. Most surgeons think they rule the world hence tend to belittle everyone else.

4. Physicians are nicer than surgeons.

If only I can invent a nice-meter that goes beeping going nearer to someone cruel, then only I can produce a paper entitled, "Physicians vs. Surgeons: Nature vs. Nurture. A Paper Looking Into Behavioural Difference Among Physicians & Surgeons."

Nice. (And I'll name my invention something like NICEX 1000).

5. Cute he-staffs are fast access and therapeutics whenever you need them. Thank God for them.

6. A dynamic combo translates: too young and too cute to become a senior doctor, too brilliant not to, too humble for someone too brilliant, too nice and too cute to be resisted. Did I mention too cute twice?

7. Be careful of what you're saying, on some days you'll ended up eating your own spit.

8. The amount of calories in a large pack of crisps are calculated as: cholesterol plaques on your coronary arteries, extra flat tyres on your tummy, extra chicken wings (your own wings to be exact).

9. Exercise is good to boost your immune system. Apparently all of the daily walkings are not considered as an exercise. Squashy racket please!

10. My mum is great. She knows her daughter very well. She gave her tempoyak and ikan bilis goreng cili api to be eaten with steaming hot rice whenever she's too busy (lazy) to cook afterwork. She loves her unconditionally.

Learned just about enough for the day. Let's go and eat nasik with tempoyak!

the one with the job (as if I have more interesting topic to talk about..)

2007-09-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

A good movie is the one that never fails to push your emotion buttons correctly all through though watching over and over again. (OK I cried at the scene when Gandalf fell into the Shadow in the cave of Moria. I was watching the movie alone and was damn lonely and scared. So what?)

Great to hear some news from Aneesa. The job I'm doing here is nothing physically challenged as the jobs my friends are doing at home. I mean it is just physically demanding - long hours of working and 7 days a week job with on-calls on every other day. Man. I salute you guys I really do.

Doing what I'm doing now (5 days a week, on-call 3 times per month +/- weekends) I've already lost some of my interests in food (hospital food that is - not so appealing), things beside medicine (on the way to re-developing my interest back) and of course social life. I can't imagine how'd my life be at home.

The thing is, different place promises different things for you. Here I would say it is more mentally demanding (at least for me). You start with jobs that you do blindly, but not long after that everything needs some reasonings. With no good reasoning skills jobs can never get done. You have to struggle to be en par with your Western colleagues who seem to cope very well with their own people. On some days it says - Oh let me help you lovely Asian Doctor - and proceed, and on another it is - This is one of the most ridiculous request I've ever heard, I don't know if this gonna change the management at all, and whom do you say you work with again?!?! -

And being me, who don't tolerate rejections with weak excuses very well, I tend to get frustrated very easily. So at times I pack my lunch and eat it in the prayer room as an escapade, at least I don't twist my tongue speaking English while eating my bland sandwiches.

At those times you really wish you're at home working 7 days a week and on-call on every other night. At least you'll eat rice with nice dishes and air buah, satay or mee mamak; basically gratify your appetite with your own Eastern rations whenever you're sad or frustrated, and see your family once in a short while. Life makes more sense that way you think?

Oh well, either way it is gonna be tough on its own different way. So what do you do? Swallow the pills and embrace the journey..

It is indeed like Frodo Baggins the ring bearer on a first part of the trilogy, the journey's still long, even thinking about it tires your mind, you know there's gonna be good at the end of it, but until you're there, the dark journey shall continues...

OK a very bad analogy I know. I'm just swamped watching the movie for God-knows how many times now.

living for the sake of You

2007-08-26T09:14:00.000+01:00

I have a patient with Down's Syndrome, 60ish years old, under our care at the moment with right sided lobar pneumonia. When we first saw her there were these 2 old ladies present by her bedside. Attending her everyday I learned that they are her elder sisters. Later I learned that they have been spending their lifetime looking after their little sister with Down's Syndrome (and its complications). Not married, no other family, nothing else.

It's amazing how selfless people can be. You talk about sacrifices and what drives you towards them. As Muslims we open our eyes everyday in the morning with out niat to do everything for the sake of seeking Allah's love and mercy. Innasolati wanusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahi rabbil 'alamin - Sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku, dan matiku, hanya untuk Allah Tuhan sekelian alam. The strengths and drives will then bud from those. And you wonder what drives these people for their actions. Pure moral? Pure love? Which all will expire once reaching their limits. Interesting ain't it?

On another note, it's hard to keep things in one piece when you're living in this dog eats dog world. I just realized that my intern colleague (the one in the old team that I hate so much) has just added another reason for me to hate him even more when I found out that he has been hogging all of the research by himself behind my back. A perfect male biatch.

It's this kind of thing that shatters my passion-driven reasons to stay in this alien land furthermore. Hospital politics. Yucks!

he's gone for real, after raining there shall be sunshine...

2007-08-24T23:08:00.001+01:00

Just to let you know that Mr Smith died that night at 3.30AM. The next morning I went up to the ward seeing an empty bed 11. Heartbroken I was. I knew I shouldn't be attached to my patients but I simply can't help it. I threw away the request forms and letters I wrote to order his home oxygen from my folder. He never got a chance to use it. I will always remember the good times spent with him.

People come and go. Oh well..

(you'll never know when's your turn gonna be)

Our long list of patients after team on-call last week has gone shorter again. Phew. We have this one old patient this time who seems to be staying with us for a long time in future. I saw her by myself in the morning. It was a bright morning and nice predicted weather throughout. She suddenly said in a low and slow monotonous voice while staring blankly to the wall,

"It is very nice and sunny today. Everyone will go out today and tomorrow. What they don't know is tomorrow's gonna be raining heavily. They'll be wet. And frustrated. Because they don't know this. And I know."

Me in my medically tuned head had some big question marks of ??acute confusion ??acute delirium or she might be or used to be a ??fortune-teller ??clairvoyant??

After a long pause she then told me that she just rang the hotline for weather forecast and has been doing that everyday just to know what's the weather like for the day or the week.

Ha ha kene tipu ngan makcik tua..

(maju betullah makcik ni..aku pun taktau nombor hotline weather forecast..)

Motivated by her 'prophecy' on the day, I decided to take a short evening trip to Howth with my housemate cum colleague afterwork. A soft vanilla ice cream cone and a fresh fried cod with fries to fill in the hungry tummy.

Glad it's weekend..

please don't go tonight

2007-08-21T22:10:00.000+01:00

The head nurse (sister) in the Respiratory ward said to me before I left for home today.

"I'd be taking my hat off if he survives till morning tomorrow."

It's Mr Smith. He horribly deteriorated furthermore today. I admit that I've been very busy lately and skipped my usual little chats with him in the morning like I always did, taking his confusions and deteriorations for the reasons to not trying to make the usual morning conversations with him. Clearly it was a big mistake. You'll never know when is your last good moment with your patient's gonna be.

So I went to see him before I left. His daughter was there, whom I know well too. I asked her to leave for a moment so that I can resite his IV cannula. I called his name out loud and he didn't reply. I remember the last sane moment of him in the morning we found him in pain he refused to talk to my SHO and wanted only "the Muslim doctor" to attend him. I could guess by having the look at him - thin chance he'll make it through the night.

Slowly I whispered syahadah into his ears, hoping he'd hear me and say and actually mean it. It saddened me to think about what's awaiting him in coming moments. I scared myself coming to think about it too.

I am utterly devastated by this.