recurrent irritable episodes (plus some extras)

THE EPISODES

i dunno whether it's hormone or me being very easily provoked, i seemed to have my treshold for irritability very very low, that in the end i felt very tired of being irritated. there were recurrent and concurrent episodes of irritability that at one time i felt like letting them out, but i couldn't. firstly, people, then it was machine, then it was ME, i was irritated by my own self for being so slow in doing things. gosh i've got to keep on moving, the exam is so near yet i still have notes with the thickness of a kamus dewan unsettled. and the episodes of irritability kept on happening for the day, luckily i was patient enough to hold the heaviness inside my chest, not letting them out (damn that lady who was having her gala time chatting on the MSN Messenger using the PC for printing purposes in the library! penat2 belajar dlm med school, tak reti2 nak fikir org lain punya keperluan ke? takkan benda2 civic camni pun nak kene ajar?@*%$^!)

pfft..pfft..

on the other hand, all my irritable episodes were actually being compensated by something that kept myself to be natural again. i was happy for a while for some exogenous stimuli (like meeting someone that i love to see), or i forced myself to smile at the person that irritated me before, and it worked! i was being me for a while before another episode of irritability striked back.

penatnya bila fikir balik. but it's simply just LIFE. full of UPS and DOWNS. never satisfied when u're on the top as u never know when are u going down.

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EXTRAS

it happened again yesterday. my intention of stepping in the Golden Discs just to buy one DVD, and i ended up buying MORE. there goes my EUROS for the month. but i think it was worth of money. i finally bought TOP GUN, my all-times fav, and (shockingly) SPECIAL EXTENDED LOTR: THE TWO TOWERS with Gollum's replica in the box (gift set). bagi kat Naqib misti dia suka ni. naah, i'm keeping it. :p

after the shopping spree, me and Yani went to a friends' place in SCR. ada kenduri makan2 sikit katanya (SIKIT???gila banyak!). it was from DR. SITI HAJARIAH and DR. SITI AZLINA who successfully graduated and qualified those tittles last month. bestnye. bila lah turn aku agaknya ek.

anyway

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF THEM. semoga bertambahlah lagi golongan MUSLIMAH PROFESSIONALS kat muka bumi ni. Ameen.

lima minit lagi

yesterday K.Wan and her three little musketeers came to our house in the evening. those are real brilliant little kids. the 4 of us played my UNO Extreme game, and halfway Harris surrendered his cards and made an alliance with Ajwat, and believe it or not, they didn't even bother to win the game, their mission was to make me lose the game. they didn't even bother to lessen their cards, they brought out cards that'd end up making my turns miserable. i was so stunned by their moves, how clever these 2 little kids, hey they're not even 8 years old yet and they've already have the minds like a big kid.

Ajwat said "Come Harris, it's our payback time to Acik (that's me!)"
i was winning the game until they brought up the Trade Hands Card (where player can trade all his cards with the other player, as i was having the least cards, they traded theirs with me! i ended up having their real thick cards!!)

nice move. i got the second place at last.

i can talk about these kids for the whole day, but i won't. masyaAllah bijak gila, with their real irish tounges. before they went back, they requested to watch LOTR I, and i've got the chance to share my LOTR madness with them, whose obviously mad of the film too (K.Wan said they've watched the film for God-knows how many times).

"So which character do u like most in this movie?"

Ajwat, Harris and Widad " Aragorn!!"

"Yes that's my boyfriend if u wanna know :p"

Ajwat "But he married Arwen in the end, but she didn't fight in the war!"

"She was sick"

Ajwat again "Yes, she was..but (nada tak puas hati)"

Kids, they're addictive. i can spend my whole day with them without doing anything else.

recrudescence of a procrastinator

it happens to me all the times when i'm facing the day, that i put on words in my head to describe the flow of the day that i'd like to write here in this blog, but in the end they just disappear left me no clue on what should i write when i finally have my time alone with my laptop on. i've been planning to write on a lot of things, but when i started writing here, i just drifted away to write on something else. quick list of things i planned to write about, but i failed to (not yet)

+ Maulidurrasul, 12 Rabiulawal 1425. in my 20 years and few months of life, that was the first time i really dug in the true meaning of maulidurrasul (alhamdulillah He finally showed me the way). that brought me to really realize how little i was before in knowing and understanding about my own religion, my own Saviour of the Ummah. all these while i thought i knew about faith, the truth is i just follow what people taught me, with little understandings and little thoughts being put on. islam ikutan bukan islam penghayatan. i was weak, and i'm ashamed of myself for that. and i'm still weak now. good Lord give me the strenght to move on.

like a friend of mine said
" menyambut Rasulullah bererti dengan melaksanakan apa yang dilakukan baginda dan menjauhi yang dilarang."

bukan sekali setahun saja.

+ Happy Mother's Day (so belated, but i cheerish this day everyday in me), my everdearest Mak. actually we celebrated this (people in Ireland) way before people in Msia and US celebrated it. i couldn't really remember the exact date (near March was it?) but nvm. i've been thinking about Mak and myself, how i am nearly my mother now. yes i am slowly becoming my mom, for every little thing that i see in Mak, i can see them coming out of me now.

i used to make some light jokes with Ola on how paranoid Mak was when she was on the road driving, one time she pulled out at the side of a road when she saw few big lorries trailed her car behind. and Mak would put on face when i mentioned that in front of her, denying that she actually did that, saying that she's improved and she can really drive like a pro now. yes it's true, she is. and now i AM eating my own words, as i AM paranoid on the road, i really do. i never drive since i had my license, eventhough i already have my full license now. it's not fear, it's my problem in recognizing the roads and places that kept myself unconvinced on the road. whenever Mak asked me to put my hands on the wheels, i kept reasoning her about this, and she could really give me the grin, the whose-laughing-now grin. serves me right. at least Mak tried to drive (or she had to) initially after she had her license eventhough she had few episodes that we could really laugh about. i never did. that really put me to the bottommost of the list now.

i could never be more insecure than my mother. now i could really understand her feelings whenever she tells me not to go to this place, to take precautions before going, to really think about any possible things that could happen at that place; the list never ends. i know now how insecure she is whenever it comes to food, that every small particles of food that she ingested being part of her body. i can really understand them all now. and again i think i'm much worst than her. now i don't even want to move out staying at an area where there's no Msian people living there, or less Msian people living there. and i could go really paranoid before going on a trip, thinking to the most extremes, when they all turned out to be OK. basically, i am afraid of changes until i am convinced that they would bring no harms to me. almost the same like Mak. hopefully i won't go any worse.

those are the two most obvious changes that i noticed in me, and there's few minors that i got by adaptation. like i teach myself to really like chocolate biscuits or cakes with the orange taste in them (ie Jaffa Cakes), like Mak always loves to. i used to make fun of this, saying that during her times, there weren't too many manufacturers that do flavourings other than orange (berries, or peaches) that she only likes to eat everything orange. orange chocolate biscuits, orange soft drinks, orange cakes. (now u know how we like to make fun of Mak at home, haha, that's part of our jobs in the house other than argueing amongst us). but here in Ireland, i learn to like stuff with oranges, this brought me closer to Mak. i want to taste what she's tasting. i want to be like her.

now i really2 feel like flying home.

+ i went for a hiking trip at Doolin, County Clare on the 21st March. it was simply an unimaginable experience and i nearly cried on the day we went back to Dublin. i was brought up by the coast, and they all came back to me when we were there. the view, the place, though it was prettier in Doolin, but i really miss the beach near our home in Tganu. Eamonn (my Irish friend) used to tell me how he can never live in other places than his home now which is in Portmarnock, a simply breathtaking place by the sea not very far from Dublin's City (i went there with few friends not long ago). he once moved out to live with other friends in the city but he moved back home with his parents, saying that he simply can't live away from the sea (or was he just couldn't live away from his parents :p). he said they all agreed that, the people that's living by the sea, they never can live in other places. i agreed on that too! but my good side is i can teach myself to, i'm not restricting myself on that (daa, how am i living now if i couldn't?). i would like to talk more on this trip, hope i have the chance to. later huh.

they are all more or less the things i thot of saying here before, but i kept reasoning of my lacking of time. (yeah you big PROCRASTINATOR). i'd love to talk more about my clinical life in the hospital now which i enjoy very much, but again, hope i have the time to.

+ yeah i think i'm digging into surgery now. this is so not like me! time will tell...

i've got to start studying now. gosh why is the MOMENTUM's not here yet.

Monday Blues

i woke up really really late today, 6.50 am, the time when i usually already outside at the Camden St waiting for the bus to go to Dame St to switch for another bus to Blanchardstown. and today is Monday, the earliest class begins at quarter-to-eight every Monday. i didn't have any chance to eat anything, and i chose the simplest outfit that doesn't need to be ironed. gosh i was running the whole way to bus stop, and i nearly missed the second bus (number 39) at Dame St, luckily the bus driver saw me crossing the road and trying to stop the bus.

and today also, my parents went to Madinah to perform their 2nd Umrah, inshaAllah. it was always their intention to go back there again, especially after Abah retired from work, and alhamdulillah Allah showed them the way now. it was quite a sudden decision, and luckily they got some helps from some friends that made their way much more easy, with the VISAs, the accomodations and the living arrangements there. the plan was to call them before i went out from home this morning but as i was so late, i only called them using my mobile in the bus. it was very limited the time i had to talk with them, but it was OK, i send my prayers for them hoping that with every little steps they're taking, they'll always be under His guidance and His love. ameen.

so i won't be hearing Mak's or Abah's voice for another week or two. that's depressing.

Mak said " Acu nak Mak doakan apa? Cepat kasitau Mak.."
doakan Acu berjaya dalam hidup dan Mak and Abah dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki utk rasa "hasil tangan" Acu..inshaAllah

Abah said "Acu ada duit tak, kalau takde cakap sebelum Abah ngan Mak pegi ni ye"
I nearly cried. I'm doing fine Abah, don't u worry about me

I said "Jaga diri baik-baik. Ckp kat abah jgn makan kambing byk sgt dekat sana. nanti kene darah tinggi."

gosh i really can't wait to be home.

B.U.S.Y

i never imagined i'll be this occupied and this tired in life that if i put my head on this table now, i'll passed out till someone wake me up again (this happened to me yesterday in Beaumont Library, i was just resting my tired head on the study table and out of the sudden i felt someone was shaking me hard on my shoulder. i looked at the time, and i realized that i 'lost my consciousness' for nearly about an hour, thank God Ailani was there to wake me up)

been a while since i write something here, the last entry i made was during my first day in JCMH and now i'm approaching my third week there. i'm currently in the medical team and next week (the third week) i'm going to be in my surgical team. moments i waited for a long time, i'm gonna be in OT( operation theatre) soon!! though i don't think i'm gonna be a surgeon, it'll be so cool to see the whole surgical procedure with my naked eyes.

and for the past a week and 4 days in JCMH,

initially i didn't really like the whole situations over there. there seems like a very serious hospital environment there, not like in Beaumont Hosp where there's a lot more people in there, and i don't get the chance to spend more time in JCMH as i have to go back to Beaumont in the afternoon for the lectures, we all have to. like students in Beaumont, they've got the chance to go see the patients in the evening after lectures or during free times between the classes, and us, we only have that on thursdays and fridays only (the only 2 days we're gonna be in JCMH for the whole day). secondly, i was having a very stressful episodes with my teammates, God THEY ARE TOO SMART that left me behind, trying to catch every little things that they're talking about. there was a day when i was so stressed that it killed my mood to go to the wards or to do anything particularly with them.

but slowly i'm kind of getting used to it i think. there's just simply a day u feel that u are so stupid, and there is another that u are on top of everyone. that's life! and i think i'm improving my communication skills with the patients now, thank God i have an Irish lad in my group, she tells me everything about general stuff that usually goes in Ireland, what u shouldn't be saying in front of the patient, and which better way u can use to rephrase the words that u are trying to say. coz different cultures have different thoughts on certain things like alcohol and diseases, so i try not to be offensive when asking the patients of these things. and one great finding that was initially brought on by Mary (the Irish girl)

"u know that Malaysians are quite popular here in Ireland. Back in my place there's two M'sians living there and everyone just love them!"

and today when i was in Geriatric Ward meeting this old man with stroke, the first thing that came out from his mouth when he knew i was from Malaysia was

"oh i love Malaysians! i was in Kuala Lumpur playing musical instruments there many years ago and i had a very warmth welcome and a very pleasant stay over there. Malaysians are just fabulous!"

at that time Mary was giving me the i-told-you look. that man was so delighted and he mentioned a name of a doctor that he met when he was in KL, saying that that doctor brought him to his house and brought him around KL and met with his friends. hmm nice remarks!

and this evening i've got the chance to see OGD (oesophageo-gastro-duodenoscopy? er btul ka?) and colonoscopy (basically what they do is they put a small tube with an optic camera at the end of it into your body passages, like thru your anus for colonoscopy and thru mouth to stomach to duodenum for OGD, and they'll be looking for any abnormalities inside, or they'll be taking a sample of the inner lining of the gut or the anus for histology, culture, or any kind of investigations). real cool experience. last week i had the chance to see angiogram in Beaumont, and i'm looking forward to see more procedures like that. it's kind of boring with the patients as my team is attached to an endocrinology wards and doctors, so basically for the whole week last week i saw diabetes patients, one after another, both Type I and Type II, with many range of complications, from the smallest ulcers to the really unimaginable ones, and now i'm kind of sick of seeing any diabetes patients! (that was why i made my way to geriatric ward today, please, no diabetes patients anymore!)

Mohamad said "last Thursday in the out-patient department i saw 4 diabetes patients, one after another, why is it so many people in Ireland have diabetes??what's wrong with them?"

and Mary was there, haha, giving the shocking look at Mohammad, coudn't believe that he actually said that in front of her. i just laughed my lungs out. he is the kind of man that's usually doesn't realize the things he's saying are some kind of offensive for certain people.

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text msg for the day is from Ola (she used Abah's mobile, kedekut gile)

"askum cu, akak tadi beli cd shrek 2, skg ni kt umah Udin jap agi balik..wei hadiah akak dah prepare?..hehe"

gilo i have to buy a lot of things for Mak, Along and Ola, er also K.Ina (Udin's wife, my sis in law) before going back, and something for Abah also. luckily i've bought something for Adik and Udin, and nice shirts for Akib (kene beli pedang star wars jugak kat dia ni, dah TERjanji). also baby stuff for Udin's new baby due this august (yey another nephew/niece!). mane nak korek duit???

(thinking of what they've done to me, it doesn't really matter if i have to starve myself for some money)