Sunday, November 30, 2008

and again, another year

I'm still smothered in my mixed feelings. Happy, blessed, specks of guilt, and anger, sadness, joy, regret, loved, missed - ah the heart is very complex. My eyes are swollen, the heavy heart. I'm truly happy and blessed, I truly am.

Maybe I'm feeling old that's it.

Anyhoo, yes I'm 25 today, alhamdulillah. Height 164cm weight __kg. Proud owner of Budiman (never on roads yet), 2 pair of stethoscopes, probably more than 20 pair of shoes, and shirts.




For this year I made 3 wishes on cutting the cake.

1.
2.
3.

May Allah give me the strength to be steadfast and make things easy for me iAllah.

I miss you.

Monday, November 17, 2008

back to singleton

How are you peeps?

My mum left Dublin on Saturday. I was devastated (as usual - I can't handle goodbyes). Woke up Sunday feeling cold and empty. Man how good it is when she was around. No more coffee and b'fast on the table in the morning, nor ironed clothes and nice dinner to go home to. I'll survive don't worry.

The kind of food I'm missing. Popiah basah with her signature home made kulit popiah. Music on the togue..

I was talking to friends on Saturday. I said I'm worried that I'm a bit de-sensatized now, or at least I thought I am. I used to be very fragile, depended on people most of the times (especially Yanie when she was around). I never travelled alone because of my bad orientation. As friends left Dublin one by one, I think I've adopted my survival instinct. It's not bad in a way, it is the most natural to do. But as a result I'm also trained to be hard inside to survive. Like making a straight face when something bad happen. There's good and bad. But not when you lose the sensitivities. Oh well, tough life.

So these days everyday is like Pakcik Hussein's Song.

I suppose I should look at things in optimisms. I'm grateful to have this life. I love my job (or the kids and people involved in my job). Life after work is mundane enough, but it is temporary (hopefully). I have my goals in life and I will work for it. Allah help me please.


That was Lisa, one of my chronic patients who has been in and out a lot with exacerbation of her disease since I started with the team. She came to me one night when I was on call on the ward and spent the time chatting with me. She's matured before her age; with her chronic lung disease, and recent death of her mum. "At least mammy's not in pain anymore. But no one combs my hair like she did." So the team makes sure that the staff nurse combs her hair nicely every morning. She's an angel.

Cheerios, life's too short to be sulked at.


Sunday, November 02, 2008

in times like these

I used to know someone who quits medical school halfway through it because she found it difficult to cope. I also knew someone who had to repeat the final year for 2 to 3 consecutive years as she failed the exam each time. She wasn't stupid, she was simply forced by the parents to study medicine and become a doctor.

There's general consensus out there that brilliant students should either become doctors, engineers, lawyers or accountants. It's as if these professions are superior and meant for special bright people only.

I personally feel that we should become what we want to be. There's always the concept of rezki, chance or luck, whichever way you wanna call it, yes we don't always get what we want. But I still think that passion guided career takes one higher than the rest.

One and almost-half a year in the medical profession, I saw and heard the stories of not a few but many doctors who; half-way through medical career; suddenly realized how difficult it is and had a change of heart. There's a doctor in the current hospital I work in whom, after long arduous years of internship, SHO and registrar with multiple exams attempts and finally passed them all (paediatrics membership exams are a lot harder to pass than the rest), suddenly went for an interview to work in a rehab center of an adult hospital. She said she couldn't take the lifestyle anymore.

So I thought, what makes a doctor really? Being brilliant is not enough apparently. You have to be tough mentally and physically for the long draining working hours, and self-less enough to sacrifice your life in order to save other people's lives. So what drives these exactly?

Money? Heh believe me you're in the wrong profession if you want to be rich by being a doctor. Fame? Not everyone has the heart of gold like Dr Jemilah Mahmood. Intention and passion? Is it strong enough to push you through all the way in this?

As for me, I used to never see myself in other skin than as a doctor. Eversince I was a kid. The passion kept mounting I thought nothing can stop me from becoming a good one and nobody else has a passion stronger than mine. Yes, I was proud. Then even so, after one and almost half-a year as a doctor (not even thaaat long), not a few times I started having second thoughts. For now, paeds is great, but hmm what about radiology, or histology. The 9 to 5 lifestyle is so tempting. One morning I was passing by the high-street of shops on the way to the hospital and had thought how nice it is if I were a salesgirl. Yes the grass is always greener on the other side.

Then again, I think what make a great doctor great is the search of example-led passions injected by the preceded great doctors. That's me at least I don't know about others. Each time I encounter each fallible medical moment, it is always the presence or the thought of great consultants that I know of would put my spirits up again. It's them, and I want to be like them. I'm almost sure their roads to becoming what they are now are not silky smooth as well.

I guess that's how life is. No fairy tales. Not especially in the medical world.