moved

http://shoutaisback.wordpress.com

drop your link! :D

few random thoughts before closure

I was thinking. Tadhg (pronounced Tayg) is what I will call my next car, which hopefully will be an Audi A5 (or Q7?). (Heheh, my wishful petrolhead thinking). It means 'wise' or 'poet' in ancient Irish. I've met few children named Tadhg and I think they all have the look. So Tadhg it is.

Better not say this out loud before Ruairi started making up ey.

Orang lain duk sibuk pikir nama anak aku pikir nama kete la kan..

BTW Aizad you can have the Twillight song for your wedding. Yep you and 2 million other people. Heheh.

Yes I'm off work that's why my thoughts are overflowing.

then and now

Dear peeps,

Please do help this group of over-zealous medical students in building up their passion and interests in humanitarian medicine by donating to this project in order for it to work. All donations will go for good cause i'Allah.

Full poster here
Blog link here

I remember the good old times in students days when we went to these kinda projects. Those times when we had all the times we wanted, the overflowing ideas injected by example-led passions from the doctors. They all seemed impossible at start; not enough money, not enough medications, last minute backing out, etc etc; but look now it's coming to the third year of the project already.

Us then..

Aha ada nostalgia sikit...

achievements and fulfillments

I realized I haven't had a good laugh in a while now. I mean, the really really hard laughs till you cry type. I thought I used to be this cool type of person who easily cracks jokes with friends and had same things in return. I guess not anymore.

They say life at this stage is about achieving short and long term goals. I don't know about that. Maybe my life is more about fulfillment rather that achievement. They might be the same when looking at one angle but not at a different angle.

Tomorrow Mak and Abah will get their new car. Alhamdulillah at this rate this would be my best (and Ola's) contribution to them after my medical degree I think. This is nothing when compared to what they have sacrificed for us. I used to think my old men as superhuman, the ones who put themselves second after their loved ones. I think most of us would think the same of their parents as well.

So at my rate, a 25ish years old girl; with few pennies saved in the account, a second hand super-charged Mini, parents new Toyota, a cat and lots of shoes, my life is probably quarterly-fulfilled now. New achievements? Praying hard for few coming ones. Life is monotonous during the weekdays, a bit colorful on the weekends, but hey welcome to adulthood.

I've been thinking about this and I think I'm at the verge of hanging the keyboard and closing the place. I need some good reasons to keep writing here.

I still yearn for a good laugh though.

updates

1. I have been through some lowest of the lows in Paeds journey in the last month. They said we all have a bad run sometimes (I had 3 already in one month). I tried to make the best of every bad moment, but yeah I'm only human too.

2. You kept to follow. Can't get rid of ye.

3. I realized the power of the old man's prayers. I wouldn't be a quarter of a person I am now if not for Mak's daily prayers for me. For that, I am truly indebted. If only I can pack everything and go home to be with my old men now. Stat!

4. Sometimes the day is not always bad and gloomy. Like the soothy smiles of the children's. And the sun which has been kind these few days.

5. You might know this already. Yep thank to the grace of Allah SWT, I have found my first (and hopefully only) Mini Cooper S. It's an S because it's mine ;p I'm officially turned on by the sound of the sporty turbo-charged engine. I'd like to believe that I'm the non-typical blonde women drivers who drive 100kmph on a fast lane and refused to give way. I am (not) from the blondie point of view anyway. But yeah, mini S = my kind of car.

First wash

Wieza J meeting Rory

6. So his name is Rory. Spelt Ruaidhri in Irish. Or sometimes Ruairi. I like the look of quivered edge of lips when you say Ruairi in Irish. BTW the meaning is Red King. But he comes in Silver this time.

7. Budiman is in safe hands don't worry. I still remember the good old times we had. He will never be forgotten for all of the good reasons.

8. I sometimes run from problems; in forms of sickness, transient amnesia secondary to repressed memory, deep sleep, etc. I'd like to think that I have been saved by the prayers, the sun and Allah SWT's mercy.

9. Life is tough going, but i'Allah I'll survive. Thank you all.

"All These Things I've Done" (The Killers)

Happy Sunday.

Happy Daffodil's Day, March 20th. Support the Irish Cancer Society allright.

Fresh daffodils from the hospital to show some supports

Happy Irish/European Mother's Day, March 22nd.

Mak at Temple Bar, Dubs

Happy post-Grand Slam Irish beaten the Welsh. Go O'Driscoll's lads!

Life is still a bit monotonous for me regardless. I tried to paint as much as yellow on to it, as spring coming along. It's still like - woke up with the smell of coffee and toast, weigh myself on the scale beside the coffee table, went back to bed with a partially broken heart (needle on weighing scale remained at where it was yesterday) to finish the presentation/case reviews/studying/stalking on Facebook on the computer. Seemed similar like yesteryears.

I attended another conference in Kildare yesterday and got injected by the spirit again. This must be how it feels like when people get collagen or botox injection. Bouncy, youthfully, full of energy. Mau jadi hebat!

Anywhoo. I realized how my quality of life has gone from bad to worse. A typical on-call with all work and no sleep is very bad, if one gets a no sleep call but less list of jobs is considered a good call. Last Thursday I got an hour flat sleep and I considered that as a great call! How pathetic!

BTW that Thursday call, I attended a meconium delivery at wee hours in the morning. The baby delivered allrite no problems, I was cleaning his meconium stained face and body when out of the sudden he just absent-mindedly peed all over me. There I was, half-awake with scrubs smelled like poo and pee.

I then was called to A&E when a wheezy child came in. The Indian A&E nurse, looking at my soaked top then knowing the story said - in my place when you're being peed by a newborn baby like that they said you're gonna get married soon.

Wah how can?

working weekend

Every year I celebrate the start of the most awaited season of the year, spring. The daffodils have started blooming on the motorway, the sun is out most of the days, you and me are happy.

I am smiling these days, for few reasons :)

Life is tough going, but one will hope and pray that there will be lights at the end of this dark and gloomy journey.

Scrub pants saying

6/6/08 - Last on-call as an intern

I still have endless call list for an SHO until the end of rotation in July. Let's not focus on that yet. Will swallow the bitterness slowly as they come along.

My latest post-call antidote.

Cheese and pineapple toasted sandwiches!

Don't worry I won't go double dose on them when I'm doing back to back calls. Sanity still prevails (although the calls are really driving me crazy).

See you party people on Monday. Tuesday is Paddy's Day = Public Holiday. Yay!

where the heart is

I made a last minute decision of buying a return ticket home, instead of the initial plan of travelling to Eastern Europe alone for my one week break after A&E shift ends. It was indeed a wiser plan. The journey home was excruciating, but once I breathed the homeland air it became refreshing.

One week was a tad bit short, but the shorter time I had the wiser the plans made. The usual 2 weeks activities were cramped in half. My apologies to good friends I didn't have time to meet, or the short time spent with whom I had. You guys were demi-good.

I figured life without these 3 Fs would be meaningless. Family, Friends, and great Food.

I'm back in the stab city. On-call on my first day back, no surprise there. On-call again the whole weekend. If good life is a dream, then it must be one hella good dream I had last week. Now awaken and back to a bad reality.

makjun sangkut

Hari-hari kerja kerja kerja.

Another Monday, this time a working Monday too.



Enjoy.

Monday musing

K.Anis has tagged me on the 5 commandments concerning love and partnership. I attempted them all, but thought they might be a tad bit too discreet for public viewing lest they could be misinterpreted. I agree, I have come to the age when other friends are settling with 3 kids and a house plus bibik and a big Sunday car (macam tipu sikit). Every conversation with Mak these days she never failed to bring this matter up, whilst I tried my best steering her to what's happening to the weather or Iman's new cat or the current political sublime at home.

I know, I am not getting any younger. (I thought I am though, a she-Benjamin Button, prettier by each day. Heh perasan). I have followed my heart and fate more than twice when I said no to men, I kept getting nightmares that karma will follow. I fear that I'll be jinxed for what I did. But love cannot be forced. It just, can't.

Anyhoo.

If one thing from the questionnaires I should emphasize in men is their relationship with God. One who takes the simple 5 times prayers alight is failing the criterias of a good Muslim husband material. When one cannot lead oneself to be fearful of God, how he's going to lead others for same is questionable. Kalau solat ibarat tiang mendukung atap, tanpa tiang robohlah rumah.

Anyhooooooo (lagi panjang).

Monday was spent lazing at home, doing chores, exercise 10 minit (pemalas!), talking to Mak, catching up on the soaps and watching this. I thought I was going to walk to Tesco to get some milk but the after effect of the movie is too overwhelming I had to stay in. I am a hopeless romantic allrite. Benci!

Back to work tomorrow..

take a breather

A&E was mad yesterday. 3 kids needed resuscitations, another 2 had to be transferred to Dublin (I had to go with one of them in an ambulance). All happened on the day I was on single shift in A&E. No registrar. I was scared shit, but as usual, nobody knew that. Thanks to the disguised face. They all thought I was some sorta hero-who-calmly-and-single-handedly-sort-everything-out. Ye wish!

Returned to Dublin later than planned, I had the best late night kuey teow kung foo with good companies. Thanks y'all. Lame tak borak..Then I slept soundly with the aid of 2 paracetamols. (Speaking of doctors who self-medicate for no reasons)

This morning, I was drooling milk from the cereal over breakfast when watching this on TV. Darn, this is when cosmesis, reconstruction surgery, natural beauty, valoptuousity and single ladies jumble up in one bowl and don't make anymore sense whatsoever. (Terus pack gym bag dan pergi mendaftar sebagai ahli di gym berdekatan).

Finally, the long awaited weekend has arrived! Gumbiraaa..

Bulan

The moon closed today in perfection.

On a clear sky tonight, I thought they've paved the motorway with new lights. It was jolly bright.

As I looked far up, there he was, smiling in fullness. I swear nothing has came across to be brighter than this.

Begitulah pungguk rindukan bulan.

Subhanallah.

skipping the Monday blues

Breakfast/lunch was - poached egg with brown bread and butter crushed with garlic and parsley. Kicap manis is a must. A cup of hazelnut flavoured cappuccino as an eye-opener. How the coffee got a bit complicated for home level is a different story altogether.




I got dehydrated so badly from not drinking water enough. As a consequence the upper lip cracked so badly it sore so much too. Feels like Angelina Jolie wannabe who failed a lip surgical enhancement with a horrendous pulsating pout. I wasn't imagining things when I thought the parents of the patients were looking at my lips in disgrace when I was trying to explain what's wrong with their child in A&E.

A colleague said this when he saw me applying Vaseline to the poor lip.

"So we have to tell Mr Wan to take a better care of you then."

"You mean, my dad?"

"No I mean Mr Wan."

"Yes there's only 3 Mr Wans - my dad and my 2 brothers. Who did you mean?"

Dia sengih kerang busuk.

snow-ed in the city

It's been a week of intermittent sub-zero temperatures and white coating lands. The journey to work is more challenging and time consuming due to

1. de-icing the conventional way - pour water and watchful wait. Takes at least 15 minutes.
2. uneven road surface with patches of black ices
3. it became messy when the snow and ice started melting
4. a moron started harassing me from behind when I slowed down because of the small country roads. He was an inch close to hit me from behind when his brake was slow to work due to the ices. A loud screech and his face went pale. Jackass.
5. the water finished and I didn't know how to open the car bonet. So left with a dirty windscreen for a week. Mak said it's a about time I need a man in my life. Who knows how to open the bonet obviously.

I survived a week of A&E shift. It's an 8 hours shift starting from 1PM - 9PM everyday except the Sundays and Mondays for me. I have a love-hate relationship with this whole shift works.


What I like about it is

1. I can wake up late. Works well for me - not a morning person.
2. The ice and snow has started melting when I'm about to leave the house.
3. Lunch at home before work - jimat and no boring and tasteless hospital food no more.
4. No on-calls for 4 weeks and not involved in any mickey-mouse hospital politics upstairs.

What I don't like about it is

1. I ended up waking up so late/few hours before work because I'm always dead tired from the shift. So rushing to work too.
2. The ice and snow has started accumulating again before I leave the hospital at night. Plus it is bitterly cold.
3. Driving alone in the snow in the dark at 10PM+ is scary. I almost cried in one occasion. Takut kene gigit hantu.
4. Arriving home at 10PM+ with a huge hunger pang from not able to eat during the shift coz it's always mad busy. So eating at 10PM+ something dinner equivalent. Bad. Bad diet.
5. Missing the morning teachings and journal presentations upstairs.

A&E alone has served me different spectrum of affinities. One day I'm loving it to the fullest the next hating it with a passion. Some GPs in the area are just plain dumb and irresponsible with non-sense referral to the A&E. I made a hypothesis that some mutants have landed in the area long long time ago and bred with the locals. Hence the very weird personalities and morale of some people in general. Ah no point in spending time thinking about it. Wasting my brain ATPs only.

On the other hand, yes I'm learning so much on general paediatrics as well. From small rashes to the toxic meninggococcal septicaemic ones. Reflux vomiting to vomiting due to pyloric stenosis. Normal coughs to pertussis ones. It takes a lot to come to be competent with speed, accuracy, confidence, ethical. I'm not even halfway there yet. I must admit some of the staff nurses are demi good as well.

Ah like Mak said, let time and time tells. Her constant prayers will always be with me.

woke up from a bad dream, and the snow is melting..

My dreams are teasing me. These days it's either a no dream sleep or a bad one. Maybe I'm fretting at what future beholds, or what the world has left to offer - the economic recession (savings?), the global warming, the social downturns, the land occupation, my exam result (!), life in general. Maybe I just need to wash my feet before going to bed like Mak used to say. The water's too cold these days Mak!

It's probably one of the coldest wintery weather hitting the Irish and British lands for the past 2 days. I wasn't too excited about it, neither did I loathe it. It's like - typical Dublin. Cold, windy, specks of sunshine, then snow - unpredictable. So not surprised anymore.

Let's hope people stays in in this type of weather. I'm expecting a quiet A&E today.

Toodles!

listless

In conjunction with this year's theme of happiness in small doses, I highlighted the antidotes for the frequent on-calls and crappy hospital life.

1. Good homemade food - more pasta and noodles recipes
2. Live band tracks in iPod. Like pakcik rock King's of Leon, abang James Morrison atau abang James Blunt.
3. Make someone happy everyday, especially the family.
4. Relationship with God.
5. Baby check - I used to hate this until recently it became the highlight of my day. Cuteness tak tertahan. Especially twin babies sleeping in one cot. Boleh tak nak bawak balik rumah please?
6. Some awesomeness like these chaps. 4 jejaka kacak berjiwa sensistif dan berjalan di Italy. Aku high on hormon gembira. Tak payah makan coklat sudah.



7. Cita-cita nak kawin dengan Jamie Oliver. Tiap-tiap kali post-call pasti perasaan ni datang. Mungkin sebab dia comot, pelat, selamba, lawak dan awesome. Aku pun tengok rancangan Jamie At Home dan perasan Jamie was at my home, masakkan hidangan sedap dan halal (just in case) untukku yang kepenatan post-call.

Ini adalah wishful thinking setelah bangun dari tidur yang lama. Will be back on-call in hospital in, let'see, 8 hours time. Boo...

the world of little people

Greetings people of the earth (and in betweens).

As expected, updates are slow once work resumed. As negatively anticipated, I've started my back to back killer on-calls of no sleep, attending coughing and vomiting kids, running to sectioned and meconium deliveries, squeezing babies hands and feet for bloods. Pure evil. I've calculated this - so almost 3-4 days in a week that I will be sleeping with my shoes and scarf on, bleep tucked to the scrubs collar for maximum chance of hearing the bleep when it went off - just in case aku tidur mati tetiba. Baby doctor, not a good lifestyle.

BTW, I just found out that they call the IV cannula 'Freddie' here.


Freddie? WTH?! Macam comel la kan..

Anywhoo, I realized that the key to liking your job is to understand what's going on with it (that includes forcing yourself into liking it and after that doesn't work, forcing yourself into understanding it). I used to be scared sh*t of little babies, and still is when some came out blue or didn't cry from the mommies wombs. Their crucial first 30-60 seconds of lives are in my untrained hands. Like my mum said when I told her the stories - "Jaga jaga nak, dekat sini ada doktor tu sambut anak orang sampai patah tangan bayi tu." Takpe Mak, that's the obstretician's fault not the paediatrician's. He he.

I have a congenital dislikeness to anything obstetrics & gynaecology FYI. However I still found the journey of conceiving, carrying a baby in your womb and delivering one is magical and would love to undergo it myself for once or twice in future. Kot ada yang salah faham pulak.

OK enough about bloodbath labour rooms.

What happened recently - history saw the inauguration of America's 44th president, also bulan mengambang dekat by-election K. Terengganu, and my roommate's sister's best friend's sister-in-law (jauh connection tapi nak cerita jugak tu) passed away in a road traffic accident after the small car she drove got hit from behind and set ablazed in fire. Innalillah. Reminded me to avoid speeding in this very icy condition these days.

Speaking of the new president-elect, do you know that Obama has Irish root? Apparently his ancestors were from Moneygal in Co. Offaly. I think everyone EVENTUALLY has some Irish roots in their bloods when tracing back the family tree, seriously.

Few days ago as a comeback from long holidays I dressed up nicely to work to gain people's first impressions (lepas ni boleh comot balik). While doing the routine baby checks the nurse called me to review this Irish baby who she thought was grunting. I went into the room slowly (high heels sound echoed through the corridor) and greeted the mother. She saw me and then said,

Are you Dr McCormack, the paediatrician who's looking after my baby?

Err, nooo.. (awkward silence). I'm one of the doctors in the team though.
(Seriously, do I look like someone whose surname is McCormack to you?)

You see, not only Obama and Sarimah has Irish bloods beb. I apparently look like someone who does too!

going green

What traffic jam has caused you/the world;

1. Time
2. Leg muscles
3. Fuel
4. Carbon monoxides & hydrocarbons emitted from the burning of extra unnecessary fuels
5. Noise pollution (horns and engines)
6. Cathecolamines release (stress hormones FYI)
7. Wishful thinking - the "If I were the Town Mayor plans.."

It took me 1 1/2 hours to pass across the city to my exam venue and another 1 1/2 to return. Septic.

This is when my initial equation of commuting by car is skewed. It was supposed to be;

cheap car + insurance + NCT + road tax = happy days

Clearly I was wrong.

Mungkin aku perlu belajar menuggang kuda sebagai alternatif.

Of garlic toast and three quarter boiled egg..

Selamat hari Jumaat.

I pray that you and I are in the best state of health and Imaan. Let's pray for the doomsday of our enemies and victory of the Muslims soon.

I am back to the usual norm of a student. That is; waking up late, checking facebook, making breakfast and incorporating it to lunch, studying, checking facebook again. If only there's a job called facebook checker. That'll be me. Facebook is the biggest crime of the year 2008 - my record.

BTW, breakfast/lunch was yummy garlic butter toasted brown bread with 3 1/4 boiled egg + kicap manis cap kipas udang. Oh yes also nescafe hi-calcium rendah lemak. Marbeles!

Yes I have moved to a new place, again. This time into 2 good friends place near the hospital I used to work in when I was an intern. The glorious BH. The 2 were laughing at me realizing the fact that I have moved house every 6 months since I graduated. Yes I know, I thought I would settled down nicely at my last place, my glassed house. But Allah has a better plan.

Am I happier here? Defo.

I am back to the family routine like in student days. Probably more. Where there's less individuality and more collectivity. More impulsivity and less typicality. Welcome to the new deal of 2009.

Thank you Izakusha for the little talks before bedtime. My inner self has sulked so much I failed to dream of anything in my sleep last night and woke up today with a big headache.

Thanks to the nice breakfast/lunch that opened the day in perfection.

Have a nice weekend.

writer's block

Not a good start for the year 2009 eh?

Tagged by DizzyDalie - soon Puan to-be (congrats mate!)

Tag ini bertajuk 16 Perkara Rawak:

Syarat dan peraturan:

1. Apabila telah terpilih dengan malangnya, silalah menulis 16 perkara paling rawak sama ada tentang fakta, perangai tak senonoh ataupun hala tuju hidup anda.
2. Silalah hasut 16 orang lain untuk melakukan perkara ini.
3. Sila tanda manusia yang telah menanda anda di peringkat awal.
4. Ketahuilah, jika anda terpilih ia adalah kerana anda juga manusia biasa yang perlukan perhatian dan kasih sayang yang secukupnya ketika bayi.
   

1. Oh yes. Presenting Budiman. My companion on the roads these days. Got him for Eur1000 stat. Namun harga insurance dan road tax lagi mahal dari harga kereta.



2. A real gentleman, '98 Proton Persona (Wira equivalent to M'sia). Who said I always go for the tall, white and blue-eyed lads only? Asia rulez!

(I'm still longing for my Mini adventure though. Probably mission truncated for the moment. Shh orang kata tak baik cakap depan2. Nanti dia merajuk..)

3. Budi's mates have been sick or away these days. Orla is in Kilkenny, Nora/Kamal (ambiguous gender-ed car) needed change of battery. Yesterday Liyana's Yaris started making funny noise. She rang me and said - dia keluar lampu aladdin dekat meter ni. Lampu aladdin? I diagnosed minyak hitam problem. This morning Budi has, being a gentleman as he is, saved the day again by bringing Liyana to work.

4. I am on my study leave. Hence bermurah hati kasi pinjam Budiman to others. Kesian keretaku dipass pass seperti bola. I love you and always will!

5. My exam is in 6 days time. And here I am considering a career change.

6. 2009 has given me a new shift. A paradigm shift perhaps. I don't see things in black and white anymore, rather in perspective now. I am less tight and more nonchalant, or at least I thought I am.

7. The best thing a female surgeon has said to me coming to the end of 2008 was,

"You don't want a doctor, you want a MAN."

*One of those mother-daughter conversations you had being on-call with some inspirational people.

8. I then realized, yes she's probably right. (Hence the paradigm shift). So I signed up for few online dating websites to start searching for the real man.

Acah je...

9. The next job in my career line is photo-journalism. I can write and I can take good pictures. Next is finding loan sharks to feed my unemployment period till my book is published. Ada sapa2 sedara dia Along ke..?

10. I love coffee so much. I have failed numerous trials of detoxification. I am officially undetoxicable. If there's such word..

11. I am making a history of my own. That is not to go home this year until raya aidilfitri. There, my online statement. (Lari masuk bilik pastu keluar mata merah bengkak).

12. After so long living in a single room, I now have a roommate! Like I said, 2009 will be different. Mak aku tanya, OK ke tido berdua atas katil tu? Jangan apa-apa sudahla.. Hehe my mom worries about everything. I mean EVERYTHING..

13. I have my 2 years time planned ahead of me. After 2 years? *Blank*. Searching for words..*Blank again*

14. My shuffles are superb, or my iTunes collections are simply awesome. Either way.

15. Live band tracks tuned in my vibes perfectly post-call. It's haunting.

16. Finally, to open this year, something to remember from the dearly boss of 2008 and something for the future record. In her Christmas card she wrote to me;

Dear Shoo, (this is even worst than my friends)

It was wonderful working with you and lovely to get to know you (though I never got to meet your great Mum!(1)). You are an excellent Paediatrician and will go to the top wherever you decide that will be. It is a lovely attribute of yours to "remain calm at all times"(2). Wishing you continued success and happiness in 2009. Let me know if I can ever be of any help to you in your career and keep in touch.

Best wishes,

DF

post-scriptum;

(1) I brought my mum to the conference when I presented a research audit. The boss waited at the hotel lobby for ages to see my mum. Dia selamba tido dalam bilik. Jet-legged la konon..

(2) I was shocked and amused at the same time reading this. Calm? Who? Me?! Dalam hati dia tak tau hari2 aku pegi keje camne..

16 orang yang dihasut

1. Aliza
2. Aneesa
3. Anem
4. CTRahmah
5. Farah Dina
6. Anep
7. Hana Nana
8. K.AisyahMak
9. K.Syu
10. K.Anis
11. (K)AishahHafiz
12. Miezah
13. Thirah
14. MamaTisyia
15. Bruneian Blogger (I yet to know your name)
16. AizadAzahar

Dalam suka2 ni, sila derma (atau buat sesuatu) untuk saudara kita di Gaza ye. Contoh derma/buat sesuatu

1. Derma
2. Doa (qunut nazilah)
3. Join protes
4. Hantar surat bantahan
5. Sebarkan maklumat
6. Buat sesuatu, apa2 aja lah.

Thanks and good day.

aur revoir dua kosong kosong lapan

It has been a good year 2008. There were moments; ups, downs, plateaus.

Thank you everyone for the good memories.

A nostalgia really..