If you believe you can, or you believe you can't, you're probably right - H Ford

It's a good feelings being a student again. Coming late for the lectures, drinking loads of coffee (and peeing a lot as a result), thought spacing during lectures, glancing the cute guys from behind (unfortunately paeds is a wrong field to get a lot of hot/cute guys - most would be decent, but not HOT hot if you get what I mean. The HOT ones would do surgery - yeah it's their self-esteem we know that).

Yes you got me right. That's non-Mendelian inheritance. Also learned about Mendel and his peas again. And the chromosomes. And the syndromes. It's the nice 'confused' feelings in the middle of lectures, and asking the people beside you to recall "what's the 5 T's for causes of mediastinal mass" again.

I stayed in M'sia Hall halfway through. I was high on teh tarik and roti canai for breakfast. The smell of the curry stayed on my hand all day long (pure kari mamak ni). Also had the first London theatrical experience. Ah I'm just a sucker for musicals, always.

Something really weird happened few days ago. I went shopping along the Oxford St and came back home empty handed. That's like, BIZARRE. Must be part of growing up thingy. Demm.

One week as a Londoner is an ample pulse of happiness and remission from Dublin. Prediction says it won't be long until one falls back for relapse though.

Cheeeeerios!

Salam Aidiladha

Looks like I won't be celebrating raya haji this year. It happened weeks ago; course registration - checked, ticket to LHR - checked, accommodation - checked. Wait a minute, 8/12/08, ain't that day raya haji? Bummer..

Semoga pengorbanan kali ini di'kira', i'Allah. (God knows I'm bleeding inside).

Ketupat Raya Aidilfitri 1428H/2007
Bangi, where the heart is..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to all Muslims.

Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Please send your thoughts for me when you're eating rendang daging korban while I eat egg sandwich on raya day. OK probably don't, just send those thoughts (or send the daging korban) to our brothers and sisters who are underprevileged at home instead. I'll be OK here, i'Allah.

should we care

Yes I think the NFC was right in declaring their fatwa on Yoga, Lesbianism and Tomboy. I don't think they were trivial issues at all, as some may imply. We know prevention is better than cure, and having the first hand experience in dealing with some of those issues (or close enough), I think it's right for us to be reminded that the path to righteousness should start from the very beginning of the journey.

I am stepping into another milestone in life. I was a newborn months ago who bottom-shuffled and crept to grasp my stuff around. Now I probably can walk fine after succeeding few unsupported first steps. For this I attribute to the scaffolding support and safety net of great family and friends.

We all grew. It's great sometimes to look back and reminisce the old times. I bumped into one old memory that I never thought would came revisited. Ah people moved on with their lives, I'm glad. My prayers for you.

A: Why did you like him?
B: Oh it's probably the teenager's hormonal surge more than anything.
A: So is he with someone now?
B: Yes I think.
A: What does she look like?
B: Em, typical Malay girl. Ayu, putih, kurus and kecil. Probably 75% of Malay girl in M'sia are like that and they're the men's favourites.
A: So what make you?
B: The 1% probably. Tak ayu, tak putih, tak kecik and tak kurus. Think about the world's issues too much like the undernourished kids, Palestine/Afghanistan/Iraq. Loves mini cooper too much. I don't think I'd fall in any categories of men's favourite.

He he.

and again, another year

I'm still smothered in my mixed feelings. Happy, blessed, specks of guilt, and anger, sadness, joy, regret, loved, missed - ah the heart is very complex. My eyes are swollen, the heavy heart. I'm truly happy and blessed, I truly am.

Maybe I'm feeling old that's it.

Anyhoo, yes I'm 25 today, alhamdulillah. Height 164cm weight __kg. Proud owner of Budiman (never on roads yet), 2 pair of stethoscopes, probably more than 20 pair of shoes, and shirts.

For this year I made 3 wishes on cutting the cake.

1.
2.
3.

May Allah give me the strength to be steadfast and make things easy for me iAllah.

I miss you.

back to singleton

How are you peeps?

My mum left Dublin on Saturday. I was devastated (as usual - I can't handle goodbyes). Woke up Sunday feeling cold and empty. Man how good it is when she was around. No more coffee and b'fast on the table in the morning, nor ironed clothes and nice dinner to go home to. I'll survive don't worry.

The kind of food I'm missing. Popiah basah with her signature home made kulit popiah. Music on the togue..

I was talking to friends on Saturday. I said I'm worried that I'm a bit de-sensatized now, or at least I thought I am. I used to be very fragile, depended on people most of the times (especially Yanie when she was around). I never travelled alone because of my bad orientation. As friends left Dublin one by one, I think I've adopted my survival instinct. It's not bad in a way, it is the most natural to do. But as a result I'm also trained to be hard inside to survive. Like making a straight face when something bad happen. There's good and bad. But not when you lose the sensitivities. Oh well, tough life.

So these days everyday is like Pakcik Hussein's Song.

I suppose I should look at things in optimisms. I'm grateful to have this life. I love my job (or the kids and people involved in my job). Life after work is mundane enough, but it is temporary (hopefully). I have my goals in life and I will work for it. Allah help me please.

That was Lisa, one of my chronic patients who has been in and out a lot with exacerbation of her disease since I started with the team. She came to me one night when I was on call on the ward and spent the time chatting with me. She's matured before her age; with her chronic lung disease, and recent death of her mum. "At least mammy's not in pain anymore. But no one combs my hair like she did." So the team makes sure that the staff nurse combs her hair nicely every morning. She's an angel.

Cheerios, life's too short to be sulked at.

in times like these

I used to know someone who quits medical school halfway through it because she found it difficult to cope. I also knew someone who had to repeat the final year for 2 to 3 consecutive years as she failed the exam each time. She wasn't stupid, she was simply forced by the parents to study medicine and become a doctor.

There's general consensus out there that brilliant students should either become doctors, engineers, lawyers or accountants. It's as if these professions are superior and meant for special bright people only.

I personally feel that we should become what we want to be. There's always the concept of rezki, chance or luck, whichever way you wanna call it, yes we don't always get what we want. But I still think that passion guided career takes one higher than the rest.

One and almost-half a year in the medical profession, I saw and heard the stories of not a few but many doctors who; half-way through medical career; suddenly realized how difficult it is and had a change of heart. There's a doctor in the current hospital I work in whom, after long arduous years of internship, SHO and registrar with multiple exams attempts and finally passed them all (paediatrics membership exams are a lot harder to pass than the rest), suddenly went for an interview to work in a rehab center of an adult hospital. She said she couldn't take the lifestyle anymore.

So I thought, what makes a doctor really? Being brilliant is not enough apparently. You have to be tough mentally and physically for the long draining working hours, and self-less enough to sacrifice your life in order to save other people's lives. So what drives these exactly?

Money? Heh believe me you're in the wrong profession if you want to be rich by being a doctor. Fame? Not everyone has the heart of gold like Dr Jemilah Mahmood. Intention and passion? Is it strong enough to push you through all the way in this?

As for me, I used to never see myself in other skin than as a doctor. Eversince I was a kid. The passion kept mounting I thought nothing can stop me from becoming a good one and nobody else has a passion stronger than mine. Yes, I was proud. Then even so, after one and almost half-a year as a doctor (not even thaaat long), not a few times I started having second thoughts. For now, paeds is great, but hmm what about radiology, or histology. The 9 to 5 lifestyle is so tempting. One morning I was passing by the high-street of shops on the way to the hospital and had thought how nice it is if I were a salesgirl. Yes the grass is always greener on the other side.

Then again, I think what make a great doctor great is the search of example-led passions injected by the preceded great doctors. That's me at least I don't know about others. Each time I encounter each fallible medical moment, it is always the presence or the thought of great consultants that I know of would put my spirits up again. It's them, and I want to be like them. I'm almost sure their roads to becoming what they are now are not silky smooth as well.

I guess that's how life is. No fairy tales. Not especially in the medical world.

the big L

You know.

There are thousands of reasons not to be with someone. Yes you can create thousands of ways for same too.

Like saying that you're taken (or pretending for the same), or confessing that you have a terminal disease, or an acute infection (make it more dramatic like an inflamed genital herpes or something like that), or saying you're migrating to a strange place like Timbuktu to learn clay art; my main point is - there are thousand of ways to do it.

There are also thousands of reasons to be with someone too. Well for this one reasons need not to be justified as your heart will tell when it comes. Too hot, too cold, cool, uncool, fair, dark, sweet, bitter, funny, uncanny - too much too little. Cues are sent with questionable pick up rate.

You can do the old trick of sending love letters dusted with perfumed powder, throwing peebles on the bedroom window, making a scrap book out of him/her, or the latter days ways of sending thoughts via sms/messenger/email, burn a cd full of love songs, pretended to be late and surprised him/her with a confession; few of the many ways.

The heart is a funny thing. Indeed.

post-raya

Hey. I'm back.

Home was terrific. Glad to see the good lot, sad too not able to see the rest. Eid is eid, eat till you sweat rendang and lemang.

Back in rainy Dublin, I was greeted by the happy registrar who was almost half broken left alone for 2 weeks. There were piles of works and presentations due. Ghastly.

In ICU today my super wonderwoman boss sent me a signal from far. Those (protruded) eyes said - come here we'll talk to this kiddo's parents. At the same time they were doing portable CXR on the other patient beside us. Funny was, the boss refused to leave and continued talking. The radiographers signaled me, of all people, to tell the boss. I, tried my polite-est gesture to boss, meaning to convey the message that we needed to leave the bed. Either she didn't get it, or just refused to leave the heated discussions with parents. So we all had to stay. And embraced the unnecessary radiation dose.

My poor ovaries!

Mom is here. That means, a happy cup of coffee in the morning, and a wonderful dinner going home to. After years of living away, everyone needs this kinda pampering.

roti canai with rendang

To my dear Seri Puteri girls, sorry I missed the potluck and tak sempat jumpa. Next time ye i'Allah. To the others, you made my holidays such a memorable one.

Till next time ;)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin

It's the anticipation of it. Imagining oneself in the arms of the loved ones, the warmth of the long subdued friendships, laughters and joy.

I am fretting counting every seconds gone.

Home, here I come!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir & Batin

Dengan ingatan tulus ikhlas.

round two

OK we're already in the second half of the month. A good time to take a step back and do a bit of post-mortem of the first half. Not looking too good for me. Haish..

Work has been extremely busy. Was constantly on my feet all day, if only they can talk you'll hear them scream. It's the start of the season, like the boss said - Welcome to the Lungs Season. All of the asthmatics, pneumonias, bronchiolitis and whatsnot. All of the happy wheezers suddenly become unhappy. Didn't sleep a wink last on-call and was still in A&E and wards the next day till 6PM. I collapsed at home and slept straight from 6.30PM till 4.30AM. Missed everything in between. Welcome to the real deal.

A good friend Shahirah reminded us to be grateful of what we have. I remembered the eye-opening experience we had in Cambodia. One of them was on arrival in Siem Reap at the bus station. Upon meeting our guide person, there were these kids rushing to our van with their hands reaching out and pointing our food containers. Nyam - they said, which means food in Khmer. We were startled at first, confused at same, then realizing there were no danger we gave them our canned sardines, left overs from the stay in Phnom Penh. They were simply delighted, walking away cheerfully as if they've gotten the biggest catch of the day.

I should start going back to these places. Too much luxury can cloud the conscience. If you see my fridge you'll die. Leftovers and more leftovers. Orang lain malnutrisi sebab tak cukup makan.

Kids make you do the darndest things (like becoming a Paediatrician..)

J asked me last week, "So 2 months in Paeds, what do you think so far?"

Smiled. Paeds is for me, absolutely. It's a busy job definitely; you have to be extra vigilant, super obsessive and a lot tedious, it is physically and mentally draining. But again, it's Paeds, nothing can top the smiles the little kiddies give you after they're feeling better when not long before that they were in ICU on a ventilator machine. Yes it's the wonderful world of this little humans with their superb healing power and forgiveness. I poked needles for the Nth times on this poor baby for a very difficult IV cannulation but still the next day received the sweetest smile from her. How forgiving!

I met this shy 6 year old boy in A&E with fever and diarrhea. After a while he started asking me, "Why do you wear that on your head?" pointing to my scarf. I said, "Because it's fun!" (which totally doesn't make sense I know). Not satisfied with my answer he asked again. "But why? Why do you have to wear that?" I then said, whispering, "Don't tell anyone, but I actually shaved my head this morning that's why I have to wear this to cover up!!" He started laughing so hard. Hihi.

Now imagine saying that to a 40 year old man with fever and diarrhea. Haha. Ain't paeds a lot more fun to do?

As for now, I've been missing my angels at home especially Yaya. She has transformed into this girly grown up and called herself Iman instead. I'm counting days to meet her, can't wait! (sampai mimpi meracau racau)

Always smiling..at home in Bangi

Cubaan mengacau Atok berkebun

Iman yang beriman (amin)

Sis with Naqib, Iman & Ariff

I almost forgot, welcome to the world Baby Hariz and congratulations to Angah & Kak Rina. I heard Ayep is acting up being this big brother at the same time being jealous of the diversion of attentions. Hehe. Ah can't wait for home..

Of bubur jagung

My friends in the Radiology Dept greeted Happy Ramadhan to me even before the month started. This is, by far, the friendliest Radiology Dept I've ever worked in. They said they love my smiles in the middle of their stormy day. How flattering.



Things I miss most in Ramadhan at home is the desserts. The first day I craved for bubur jagung. There I was sipping every spoon of it. Then yesterday I wanted something savoury. The problem was my bubur jagung from the first day is still in the fridge. And looks like I'd be sipping it till the week ends. I miss student days when there were 5 mouths to be fed in the house instead of just your own's. I'm not doing too good being a loner..

Ramadhan Mubarak

Blue Mosque, Istanbul
Winter 2007
Taken using Canon S3 IS (sold now)

Ramadhan Kareem everyone.

May you have a blessed Ramadhan this year. I'd like to ask forgiveness if I ever did wrong to any of you, intentionally or not. Kosong kosong lah.

I rang home and got a chance to hear the Ramadhan announcement on local telly. My parents, my eldest sis and brother in law including Naqib were all ready in their masjid suits. Conversations were cut short coz they have to go to masjid for tarawikh. How exciting.

I watched this movie yesterday and couldn't help balling my eyes out. Great cinematography, great actors, great musics, honest portrayal of the religion; overall very impressive and no less than 5 stars from me.

Jom tarawikh! (sorang-sorang lagi tahun ni..)

Penat

It's a heavy and difficult lifestyle doing this.

What's making it more difficult is going home after work to an empty world.

Truthfully, I'm trying my best not to lose the grip.

It's so tiring holding on like this, I'm feeling old and pregnant..

Mak & Abah in Makkah

2 years, no more.

cuti

Thank you Ali and Yanie for your concerns on my disruptive instant noodle diet before. No worries babes, I've reached the non-palatable limit for them for the moment, it'll be a while till it ceases I promise. So here's for dinner tonight, a quick Italian pasta penuh nutrisi dan kasih sayang he he. Ayam + sundried tomatoes + beans + dried Italian spices + Parmesan = speaks for itself. Oh ye, sangat pedas walaupun nampak pucat.

Buon appetito!

Anyhooo..

I'm on a week's break and going nowhere for the first time ever. Must say that I'm enjoying it. Being a housewife is not easy, there's linens to be taken care of and groceries to buy and children to be fed (hypothetically). I developed biceps after few rounds of hot-pressing the bed linens and hovering the place. Man it's not easy! How did mom do it, on top of her daily job as a teacher, and without an instant help of a bibik! My hero!! T_T

Mom reminded me that Ramadhan is coming. Yes my most awaited and anticipated month. I look at it as a starting point of self-correction, also renewing and polishing the imaan. And there's a 30 days opportunities for it to begin with. Which is abundant. Here's a little plan for a start

1. Daily suhoor and early Fajr
2. Pray at earlier time
3. Solat sunat, solat tarawikh and qiyam
4. Finish the whole Quran at the end of the month
5. Increase wirids and du'as
6. Read more; medical and non-medical materials
7. Call home regularly
8. Coffee cutbacks
9. Music cutbacks
10. Eat healthily, less greasy, less fat, high protein diet

10 is a good balance for a start. I must say I will terribly miss the old student days when I excelled Ramadhan dashingly with the aide and the spirit coming from the good mates. Those were the days when we took turns leading the prayers, gave a small reminder after solat, secretly raced with each other to finish the Quran, went to the Masjid together for the delicious free tandoori for iftaar, cooked nice traditional kuih for buka to make the ambience more homely and after lectures cookies baking series with Yanie. Cakap aja kuih siput kuih sarang semut semua kita buat. I really really miss those days.

Anyway, Mak pesan banyakkan bersabar. There's no success without sacrifice.

ma chere et bon maman

Dear Mak,

I got a bad toothache for 3 days. I became dependent on painkillers, which you know I can't take anything stronger than PCM. So I kept waking up in the middle of the night when the effect of the medication weaned off, from the pulsating one side of the jaw. I went to work with an asymmetry face and noticed by my boss. She was kind enough to give me an afternoon off for the dental appointment. So I went and got charged a freaking EUR110 for a simple saline injection and a prescription for antibiotic. Heck I can do that myself. No I'm telling you lies, I can't. My mouth is too sore.

It's getting better now. The boss gave me a bouquet of flower in a vase yesterday. No she didn't actually. But it's complicated to explain - the end point is she gave me the flower and I took it home. It's a nice bouquet. She said it's for the toothache. Thank you boss!

You know Mak,

Italian food is one of the best delicacies on my tongue after our local rations. It's because of the spices they use and sometimes they can be quite generous on their chillis and spices, which are the essential components of a good cooking. And you know how much I love pastas. It's a pity you are not here now. Coz I can cook you one of my best recipes for white sauce and tomato based pastas. I know they'll never beat your sambal nasi lemak and daging masak asam pedas but I'd love it if you can taste them.

There was a local market being set up in front of my apartment. I love this area because it's so cultural, there's always something going on every week. There's a cultural cinema one block away from me as well. Anyway, I went to this Italian stall today evening after work. They have the Italian essentials of cook ingredients sold there. I got myself a bottle of extra virgin olive oil coz the one at home has finished and this jar of mixed vegetables and chillies in sunflower oil with tarallini . Ah heavenly.

La Cannonata, means the cannon shot

Nonetheless Mak,

I learned that food is tasteless when eating on your own. I totally lost interest in cooking coz I'd end up eating them alone. I know you won't like it if I said that I've been eating meggi mee only these past few days. Pathetic. 2 days ago I was passing by the local so-called Chinatown area of Dublin on the way home. I stopped at one shop to buy water and found out they sold telur masin. One egg for EUR1! Now you know how much I miss home. I bought one anyway and ate it with meggi tonight. It tasted perfect. Well it has to be for the cost. You remember when I was a kid I sneaked into the kitchen one evening during Ramadhan to eat telur masin and got caught by you for not fasting. He he. I miss those times.

Well Mom. So glad it's finally Friday. I'm working Sunday anyway. I'll prolly be old and kerepot when I can finally have my full weekend off.

I miss you so.

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going

The big boss came in this morning with a big elated smile on her face cheering big 'Hi' to me. I knew something was on. Apparently her boys were taken to her sister's place so she had good 2 nights' sleep over the weekend. It was obvious. We were seeing patients when she started asking J her girlfriend's name. It was R. Then the nightmare began. She turned to me with her bright eyes and asked,

"So Wan, are you kissing someone?"

"Er?"

"Yeah, are you seeing someone? Or I may say kissing someone??"

"Er.." *Gulp

J intruded, "Oh give Wan a break."

"No it's fine, I'd like to know whether she's kissing someone or she's looking for someone?"

Err..

***

We were all amazed on her level of elation today, even the nurses did. When we talked about it, J said,

"You should see how Wan started to blush from top of her face down. She went absolutely red. It's funny though coz you usually go red from down up not the other way round."

We agreed that she might've got a little bit more than a good night's sleep over the weekend. *Giggles*

Nonetheless, I think she's the real superwoman I've ever came across with. I'm speaking highly of her all the times that one of my friends started thinking that I need to re-check my sexual orientation. No it's just so different when you have someone that you look up highly to and want to be like someday, then treats you so humbly and guides you through all the times. She just blew my mind away. Right, now I started sounding like a real gay.

I'm just so grateful that in times that I've been up to my eyeballs trying to be at a lot of places at one time, I've granted a real good boss that is, through her OCD-ness and achieving perfections in everything she does, still doesn't look down on me who's lacking of A LOT of things, with knowledge in the field being one major thing. She trusted me and taught me to do bronchoscopy on the kids, heck I didn't even get the chance to do it in adults! So Alhamdulillah, though I'm always wrecked at the end of a real hectic day, I always know that this is what I've always wanted to do.

On a side note, the housemate has flewn home today for a holiday and I'm all alone. Not that I see her much these days anyway coz she's on the night's shift and I was always home after she's gone to work. So yeah, here goes series of bujang dinner, full of MSGs. Thanks to whoever invented instant noodle.




And these are for desserts. A 3 in 1 teh tarik and heavenly Lindt Nocciolatte. I'm after taken Solpadeine for my bad tooth and gum-ache so might as well savour everything before the effect of the medication wean off.




Toooodles!

free flyer, soul searcher

Happy post-long weekend. It's gonna be a short but intense week. First day back I already had to stay back till late. Sometimes I wonder is it a curse or a blessing to lead a single life like this. Both I guess, depending on how you wanna look at things.

Living abroad like this, away from your familiar ones, it is only your own faith that would keep you straight on the path of righteousness. It's almost like a free world. DO whatever you want to do, the western or the eastern style, nobody cares. Everyday I keep praying that Allah SWT won't take His love away from me. Like mom always said, iman senipis kulit bawang, (sambung seniri)....

Just a little reminder to myself.

Anyhoooooo..hehe panjang sket.



The long weekend was well-spent. We travelled down south-west and hit the beach. Went surfing and came back with the tan. Good fun! Definitely a good escapade. I came back refreshed (with the real muscles ache as well).



Surfing is all about picking the right things. The right wave, the right timing, the right side of the board, the right paddling, the right pop-up. It's not easy to be all-right. Sometimes you thought you've picked the correct wave and timing, only to stumble at the bottom of a strong and wrong one. Air laut sangat masin. It's not a nice thing to drink liters of.



Nonetheless, it was a great beginner experience. I got Monday off, at the expense of working full weekend this coming weekend. So you won't see any of me come the end of the week.

Boohooo..

Nice day ahead peeps!

life in the mobile photos

It's been rainy these days. Typical.

I couldn't get up this morning, the rain soothed me to deep sleep, so I was late and I missed the great morning teaching on Endocrinology. The taxi guy sang "I Try" by Macy Gray in the taxi to work today. My favourite song remember. Remind me of Yaya. I did try!

Still raining in the evening. Boohoo..

Empty place. Lala's & Aza's white orchid still viable on the diner.

So last Thursday I got a call from IzaKusha at work. It's amazing how a simple phone call or a text message would brighten up your busy day like that. We talked and talked, and revived the pack, and catch up with stories. I was hiding in the toilet near the Respiratory Office. Who cares. My Ija reminded me that it's OK to pursue the dreams for now, keep the du'a going and hope for the best. When it's time it's time. We are so alike, I miss you already. We'll rock Bangi when I'm home OK.



I was in deep sh*t after a bad bad day one day so I went hunting for comfort food after work. That one up there, people, is by far, the best ice-cream I've ever tasted in my life. No kidding. Vanilla tastes better than chocolate on my tastebud, but coconut is definitely superior!



So pathetic. A doctor who goes home and watch a soap on a bunch of interns who sleeps with their attendings to survive the crappy junior doctor life. It's far from true in real life FYI. What are the chances of working in a hospital full of hotties like that? Nil. Zilch. Nada.

I haven't got a digital box installed yet so everyday is a DVD collection day. Just to keep the place noisy. That was when Derek said something like "I'm drunk, vulnerable and good-looking. And you took advantage." What's with guys and the thrills of the chase. Habis madu sepah dibuang? Aku emo all right.



The world does seem so small with the internet these days. I can live without TV but not the web. *Cringe on the thought of it*. mIRC, AOL, MSN, YM, G-Chat. Remember those days when your favourite movie was You've Got Mail?

I got my internet and my cuppa coffee. So that's me, pretty much a happy bee.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Kahlil Gibran

It is truly devastating when you diagnosed a few months old baby with a disease the parents, the staff, you and everyone knows that won't make the baby sees any future. Indeed Allah SWT has His plans for each one of us and only He knows what's best.

Medicine really amuses me. It's amazing how it is, like life, can be learned either as a spectrum or something clear cut. I have 2 small infants with spinalmuscular atrophy - one just newly diagnosed this week. Both have complications in their lungs so bad that they're struggling to breathe when they're feeding. Then I met another 4 year old today with the same diesease. She was all cute in her pink dress and shoes, and she loved my pink scarf today. So we talked about everything pink. She even liked my polka-dots pink socks. Yes I was post-call so I'm allowed to be all cute and odd.

So on one hand you have someone with the bad end of the disease, and on the other is doing pretty OK. But when she gave you a weak cough and left the ward in her automated wheelchair, you know she won't make it far though. But who are we to decide this anyway.

Anywhoo.

I'm sure at this stage everyone has read the medical report of DSAI ex-aide which is circulating on the w.w.w like nobody's business. At this rate I think most of us are pretty much pissed off if not laughing at the internal jokes coming from the jungle govt. Well I am if you're not. I've had enough of this fabrications it is damn frustrating. The world is laughing at us too. BTW tenesmus is a sensation of incomplete defecation but let's not go there.

Shot 1 in Disney Paris. No wonder my sis was giggling when she took the picture.



Shot 2. Hello Tony! Ngee..


OK I'm missing my familiar friends it's not even funny.

Tomorrow marks an important date in our calendar, the Isra' Mi'raj. Here's a little something to freshen up the mind.

Cheerios all!

spent

When you diagnosed a 5 months old baby with HIV positive from a supposed-to-be HIV negative mum, things can get a bit more complicated than a simple run of treatments. Has mom been playing around? Or daddy did? What about other kids? Do we need to test them as well? Has someone been lying? Etc etc. My last on-call on Friday, I had a 4 months old who kept seizing on me for almost 1 hour and a half despite the treatments. He ended each bout of seizure with high-pitch cries suffering his non-stop overactive brain activities. Then I had another kid turned blue with rattling breath sounds drowning in his own lung secretions. They're both palliative patients.

Yes when you say palliative or NFR (not for resuscitations) you'd imagined your old grannies with end-stage cancer. But this is a couple of 4 months old, whose lives are basically incompatible to live. Things are certainly a lot more traumatic mentally and physically than they normally are.

So am I still into this profession? Yes indeed.

On a lighter note, I think paeds surgery is the hottest profession ever! Well other than the fact that one of them is really hot as well that is..haha..My green button has been switched on again after so long. I have now another reason to wake up early to go to work everyday. Hehe kidding..

I saw a little girl who looked like Yaya today in the clinic. How I missed her so much.


It has been a stressful week last week and just started to get busy again this week by the look of today. I came home with my stress-induced urticaria, again. I only have a pair of hands and legs but torn to be at multiple places at one time. Sue them for not having any interns in paeds!

Went home and watched Grease. It has been almost a month with no TV for me, not even TV rakyat. It's almost magical how I survived life without the box. Here's an excerpt from the movie, ah nobody can ever beat JT in his seluar singkat and leather jacket. So much fun. Enjoy.



You're the one that I want..uh uh uuuuuu honey...

I can't get up and you're gone..

What are the odds of spending the whole day dealing with ONLY 2 patients?

2 sick patients.

I'm learning so fast about paeds. Rules of thumb, have a REALLY low threshold for more investigations and just WORRY a little bit more than usual. At 4.30PM today, the baby we saw on consult for prolonged O2 need and desaturation episodes contracted a systemic fungal infection and had to be transferred to ICU. She came back to be HIV positive. Another CF kid with pyrexia turned out to have white cell counts of 0.7 with neutrophil count of 0 and global pancytopenia really. All happened at 4.30PM. What are the odds.

Thinking of going on hiatus after this 2 years. I have aged so much; the wrinkles, rabun ayam, eye bags besar rumah, my eyes are failing on me really. Ah this profession. A good break would do me good. Some fresh air and some changes. Don't know whether it would be worth slowing the momentum though.

Holidazzzeee..

Flower (Flea) Market, Old Town, Nice, Cote d'Azur

Currently feeling like this.

I found out about this today linked from a friend's blog. Ah supercool. Feels good to be the rare one in Type AB. Now I am closed to become a superhero already, as planned. Hehe. Why don't you have a look.

Your blood type diet.

just the right time to stretch the legs and chill..

It's a bliss really when you know that you have the full weekend off. Yayyy. Yes I love my job but I love my weekends more.

It's bizarre really. Yanie if you're reading this. Today I admitted the second patient that I've met before when I was a medical student. I remember exactly it was in the same day ward, just different bed, and Yanie and I took the history from the patient's dad. She was admitted for her monthly intravenous immunoglobulin infusion for hypogammaglobulinaemia. It's funny coz today when I went to them the dad immediately said, "I think I've met you before?! Here in this ward at the bed over there." Hehe. I said, "Yeah I was about to say the same thing as well." That was 1 year ago. Time really flies ha. Now she's grown taller, still a cutie.

The other patient was a little boy Yanie and I went in to see his feeding study in the radiology department. If you still remember him Yanie. The boy who went to Sweden for ECMO. I'm sure you do. We were told by the consultant radiologist that she improvised and baked barium cookies for the feeding studies. Cool innit? Cookies with barium for contrast. Hehe.

Anyway, that boy was admitted under my team again last week. He's a real heartbreaker. Having survived ECMO, 2 cardiac arrest, seizure and stroke, recurrent pneumonias, now breathing via tracheostomy and using BIPAP. And he's only 2ish years old. Still managed to wave goodbye with his good hand (right hemiparesis) and blew me a flying kiss when I discharged him. A real heartbreaker.

That's my job. A lot of cheeky monkeys and chickens who's a real heartbreaker...

Enough on the work. Yes it's weekend. I was contemplating and I realized I missed the familiar people so much now when we used to hang out on weekends cracking good jokes. Maybe it's just me. Going a bit mellow.


Haha not saying anything really. I got this fruit flavoured fizzy sweets from clinic today. Can you imagine they're giving these sweets to the kids. Apekah?

I was tagged by Ikha - my Man-ual partner. Hehe. Here goes.

7 facts. Think I did this before.

1. I drank coffee too much that my pee smells like one. I go dysfunction without them. It's recent really. I used to be OK going 2 or 3 cups a day. With the stress level and workloads these days, I need at least 5 or 6 at work. Few more at home. I plan for detox in 2 years time. Serious.

2. I've always put on a brave face and act like one but I'm actually quite a cowardice. That's when it comes to hantu, driving (partly encountered), cengkerik, lipas, tikus, binatang yang merangkak (crawling insects?). I never leave my room in silence. Wake up and turn on the radio. No creepy goosebumps silence please.

3. I'm a bit mellow when it comes to goodbyes of closed ones. Just can't deal with them properly. I used to cry each time my parents dropped me back to school after going on weekend overnight at home. That was all through form 1 to form 5. And my house was like only 30 minutes away from the school. Ya ya I'm melodramatic whatever..

4. I said to myself that I wanted to do medicine since I was in form 3 and picked RCSI to go to (since the name sounded so cool back then), I also said that I want to do Paediatrics in the fourth year of medical school. So far so good alhamdulillah.

5. I secretly have an exit plan if I go burn out. That is to work as a coffee barista in my own coffee shop. I even have the concept and arrangements planned. Guess it's not a secret anymore.

6. Can't seem to get rid of the old procrastination habit. Even if I wake up 15 minutes earlier than the usual time to spare that 15 minutes for breakfast or just a little extra minutes to breathe and not rushing in the morning, I'll still end up wasting that 15 minutes on stupid things like staring into thin air until I realize that I'm late and ended up rushing myself to work in the end with no breakfast.

7. I love singing and I always have a background tune playing at the back of my head. Almost like an auditory hallucination. Hehe. Though I don't have a good voice but hell who cares. I did win the second place (or third?) with IzaKusha, Sabrina and Salha during talent time in school anyway. Singing Backstreet Boys songs. Every year without failing. Haha. Those were the days. Go BSB...hahahaa..

That's 14 facts including the last 7s. On top of whatever you've learned about me indirectly from reading the blog. That's too much you think?

Enjoy le weekend!

reinforcing reinforcements

As promised, here goes. The so-called frequent update. I don't know why am I doing this. But sometimes things can be done for no reasons at all ain't it?

I think I'm beginning to like Paeds. Last week it was about fitting in and giving the best impressions, so I wasn't seeking for the 'joy' of working yet. As I'm beginning to settling down, I can tell that it's a different fun working in this field.

First of all, I became totally selfless, well that's a bit too much. Probably less selfish putting it more appropriately. If last time I used to justify a lot what I did on the wards, hence sometimes refused to heed the call for silly stuff on the wards, well not anymore this time. It's always been 'about the kids'. The innocent kids who are born with illnesses they don't even know about. It's the purity and innocence which made one more to become selfless I'd say.

"I've never met someone doing Paeds who's unhappy." Someone used to say that to me.

I don't know about that, you'll never know when things gonna hit you low. But I do understand the concept of it, no matter how much the job takes out of you, physically and mentally, sometimes a little kiddies smile can cure it all. Aha I'm a tad bit too philosophical now.

Coming back to reality, I was on-call with one of the best registrars in the hospital last night. It was a OK call to be honest with you, I expected worse. It was in the morning that I found out that she didn't actually sleep the whole night after being called for sick kids on the wards and in A&E. Despite all that, she was smiling and still remaining the cool. So I asked her, "How was last night's call for you for Paeds standard?" She replied, "It was moderate." Smiled

I choked.

Otherwise, the team has been OK. I think my Big Boss is a Superhero (imagining her in Wonder Woman suit). She saves lives and looks cool too. She probably had Intel Centrino or whatever processor implanted in her brain long before computer was invented. How awesome. I have to really start dieting to prepare myself in my Superhero suit too (black leather Cat Woman suit?). I have to start studying I mean....

I'm thinking of a new personal project for fund raising for the hospital. Any ideas? (As if clinical jobs, exams, etc are not busy enough.)

Till then.

what's been up

Yes we could do some updates don't we? Here goes, in no chronological order.

"Hi, I'm Wan. SHO Resp (respiratory)."

No I didn't really have the thrills in my heart when I said that on the first meeting with the new people in the hospital, when I know I should. Partly because, in paediatrics I'm still the lowest in the food-chain as there's no interns, so I sometimes still partially assuming that I'm still an intern so running around doing intern jobs. Most of the times it's because I have MINIMAL knowledge in this field. It's been ages since I last do paeds and that was in student days. So I had to search somewhere in my rusty brain about the weird syndromes that they mentioned, the weird investigations that they don't do in adults to the simplest treatment of asthma and plotting centile charts. Fun fun.

Other than that, I think paeds suits me well. The new team comprises of 2 top respiratory Consultants, one being a specialist in CF, a third year Specialist Registrar, J, and a third day SHO paeds ever, that's myself. You can tell there the huge gap in knowledge hehe. I think the team is OK, mad busy, but OK. J finished his membership exams all in one go when he was at my level, so I have another people to look up to and learn from. He's a cool guy all right.

The big boss is tough I have to say, but you have to be when you're dealing with sick kids. I thought I knew someone who's OCD enough, she's like super OCD to the power of 12. Very meticulous and thorough. So I've been working hard to become super OCD to the power of 13, at least one power higher than her so to impress her. Hehe. But yeah, I'm very new in this field, and I'm ready to learn, bring it on.


Congratulations, new doctors!

Most of my friends have graduated in June. I still remember the sugar-high feeling being on stage receiving the 5 years hard-earned degree, it was good. Now it's a year passed already, so fast. Nevertheless, all the best on the new jobs. Surely internship is more about clerical less medical but grab the chance to learn the system and organisations, do courses, research perhaps. It's a fun year believe me (hiding pinocchio nose).

With Dr Linda, Dr Wan & Dr Farihah at RCSI Conferring Ceremony

With Dr Jazree & Dr Hanif @ TCD Graduation Day (kantoi la plak pakai tudung sama on both occasion..)

Of kompang and wedding bells

Again, my heartiest congratulations to my friends who tied the knots recently. As before, I was not there to attend the weddings. So to Shahnim & Amir, Mieza & hubby (aku lupa sapa nama husband Miezah), may Allah SWT blesses your marriage with love and happiness. Same for the upcoming weddings; DilaSu & partner, Hanif & Aneesa, Ecah & partner, Naim & Hanif,..(trying to remember who else). I am utterly devastated I can't attend your big day but time is just not on my side, yet. Hopefully it will soon.


Blood is thicker than water

So my Ola came and visit me for a week. It's good to see her like that coz I missed her. We went to France for 5 days - Paris, Nice and Monaco and came back with the real tan. Hehe. I used to be her little sister she wished she never had, yes I was a grumpy demanding kid. Now it's all fun reminiscing about it. Though we still fight about things so insignificant like who's sunglasses are cooler or who has a better complexion (she does), she's still the sister who stood by me all along, hand-washed my tudung on this visit (I hate doing laundry remember) and gave her shoulders and wiped my tears on saying goodbye at the airport.

Sunglasses @ La Tour Eiffel, Paris

Just glasses @ Nice, C'ote D'azure

Contact lenses/no eyewear @ Dublin Airport

New place, new life

I'm not supposed it's new, but it's definitely different. Different is new right? I moved from the old place, there's the new job with the new title, the old familiar crowd whom I used to hang out with are gone, some serious new crowd, busier job, there's plan for doing exams, etc etc. I am a new woman too perhaps.

South Dublin City view from the window in my room

I can drive!

This one deserves a heading on its own. For years I've been trying to achieve greater stuff in my life, each time I still feel inadequate because I cannot drive on the roads. Yes I'm a doctor and no I cannot drive. How ridiculous is that. A doctor who cannot drive. So I made up my mind, for once and for all, I have to try to encounter my greatest fear of being on the roads and driving on the wrong lane and hitting a cat like a pancake, etc etc. So I finally did it on mid May, I was actually driving on the highway! Big part of it was a help from a friend, some from my own guts and most of it came from God the Almighty. Eventhough it was a rental car, an automatic transmission one, I still did it. I'm not disabled anymore! Yay!

Rathmines in the morning, picking up a friend on the way to work

So that's a wrap for now. Part of the new job resolutions (if there's such thing), is to try to update the blog more frequently. Most of it will be about the jobs (warning non-medics) also just on life. We'll see.

Tagged

Aha. Here it goes. Part one..

Tagged by: Aneesa

LIST OUT THE TOP 5 PRESENTS YOU WISH FOR :

1. Free RETURN TICKETS KL-Dublin, to- and fro- every months for 2 years. Yeah worth the DVT long hours flight risk. I don't care..
2. A bibik.
3. Another Jimmy. I miss you.
4. Pintu suka hati. Tolonglah Doraemon..
5. A holiday house in the Alps

LIST OUT THE REASONS FOR YOUR CHOICES :

1. I can go home and be with my loved ones for at least one weekend every month.
2. Her job descriptions only include; doing the laundry and ironing, dusting and hovering the house. Nothing else. I'll do the cooking, clean the dishes, mind the kids (haha). I just need fresh ironed clothes and dust free house. Yippie..
3. I need a pet cat. It'd be great if he looks like late Jimmy. Mak used to say - kalau bela kucing murah rezeki sebab kucing selalu doakan kita bila kita bagi dia makan. Another friend pointed out the fact that orang Cina letak patung kucing dgn tangan melambai-lambai masuk macam dekat kedai emas tu as lucky charm. So how?

Jimmy, Le Chat Blanch
2006-2008

Jimmy reborn? Oh no..

4. Boleh pergi safari in South Africa hari ni pastu besok bukak pintu dah sampai ke Gold Coast, Australia. Wah wah wah...(mata bersinar sinar)
5. So I can go ski every year and my kids can go too and my kids' kids can go too. We'd be the cool ski family, eventhough we will be living in the scorching Malaysian sun. Yay for skiii...snow-plough, pizza, fries, snow-plough..

THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU IS : Aneesa

5 IMPRESSIONS OF HIM/HER :

1. Super thin
2. Eats A LOT and never stimulates her satiety center
3. Impressions no 1 and 2, enough to make me impressed of her. Hehe. I'd gain 1 kg by just staring at a slice of cream cake. No kidding.
4. Bangi mate. Goooo Bangi!
5. Same minds we are most of the times. Great minds think alike ay? Bila projek Afrika nak jalan ni? Hehe.

MOST MEMORABLE THING HE/SHE HAS DONE FOR YOU :

From Bangi to Cambodia to Dublin to Turkey and back to Bangi, through and through..those were the days..

MOST LOVED INVENTION :

Kereta automatic transmission. Thank God for this..haha..

WHAT DO YOU DESPISE THE MOST

Temptations. Which I succumbed into lately. Actually I should hate myself not them.

PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TAG :

Most of my peeps have probably being tagged before me, considering I took moons to get it done with. Anywho, here goes.

1. Iza Kusha, if you're reading this
2. Shahirah
3. Mieza
4. Thirah
5. Ainun Nisa
6. Aliza
7. Ikha, if you haven't done it, and yep, I do read your blog
8. Anep
9. Kop
10. Jaz, with no chance it's being done anyway

Boleh ke aku tag ramai-ramai ni..hehe..

Cheerios~

in and around..

Hey. I'm back.

The fuel and electricity price hiking is not doing the deal with the people at homeland. Ezam has returned to UMNO. My cat Jimmy died from fever/sepsis last Friday. So sad. My mom consoled me by saying, "Dah sampai ajal dia, nak buat macam mana. Jangan sedih.."

I was talking to one of my dearly beloved friends few weeks back. I was sunk in the concept of guilty pleasure. Sometimes things so wrong can feel right if we lose our conscience. I decided to play along, but I know it's difficult to lie to the heart. How can something so sweet be so wrong. Complexity complexity..

The TV says in every 3 seconds at least one people die from hunger. I think I ate too much cheese. You know at home you can go and buy karipap or keropok lekor for savoury desserts when you feel like it, especially in the evening after work. Here there's no such things. They only have sweet desserts. No karipap at the stall. So the solution is cheese-based food. Coz there's no karipap. And keropok lekor. How stupid is this place. Made me fat from eating cheese.

Part of growing up, I have learned so many new skills. I now master the selective hearing and selective memory skills. I can just mute down people's voices whenever I feel like it. And decide not to remember anything annoying that I don't want to. Cool aight? So I have been enjoying the mute show especially on the wards which I won't really have any recollections after. Super cool. I feel like a superhero already.

Aha. That's the bleep going off. Selective hearing button now activated..

le hiatus

Hey. I'm still alive.

Feels like moons ago since I last wrote here. So how have you been?

As you can imagine many things happened in the interim. For an instance I had my first ski experience on my first ski trip ever. Ouh I aced this sport. For now that'll be my latest interest. Skiiii. Wait till the high season next winter. Tunggulah.

half of the crew on sketch..I love ski I love ski I love ski..

I have switched to the last rotation in the surgical posting, now breast & general. I missed A&E and my cool consultants. Yes my previous encounters with A&E consultants have put me into conclusion that - all A&E consultants are indeed COOL. I have the prime consultant who love speaking French in between conversations and also make Ernie & Bert's voices on the phone when he was put on hold. Yes Ernie & Bert from the Sesame Street.

le favourite childhood show

The other consultant who's supposed to be 50ish at age still talks about CD collections that Jack Black gave his students in the movie School of Rock. He also once explained to us his conspiracy theory of how Irish ministers were appointed that he compiled and put on power-point slides. That was on the Friday mornings we're supposed to get our weekly A&E teaching, about emergencies and saving people's lives..

Moving on to the new team. The dysfunctional new team. Part of the reason why I rarely update le blog these days, is because I go home very frustrated and depressed I thought I'd turn the blogsphere very sour if I keep constantly whining about the new team here. THEY JUST SUCK BIG TIME. That's it. And I'm at the verge of rebelling. Try me.

It's easy to get frustrated these days. I realized that I've been a fool few times, repented and fell back into the dump. I've been self-less and accomodating others while I was accomodated less. I hate being selfish but I hold myself so low if I don't. So again, I learned from the falls and being hurt.

It has almost been a year passed by. The newborn me last July can walk now if not run a little. We all grow up don't we...

I have a tag to do..and a lot more to tell..stay tuned..

my favourite smarter

Of all the kids, Lloyd would be my favourite smarter in the British TV game show 'Are You Smarter Than a 10 Year Old?'



I scratched my non-itchy head looking at these brilliant kids. At 10 years of age I spent my times playing street hockey with the boys, tangkap ikan laga kat paya with the boys (balik rumah dapat sejalur bekas tali pinggang dekat badan), playing softball at the dodgiest taman (when my mate was hospitalized after a big bleeding cut across the foot from the zinc sheet), polis sentri with les boys again, etc etc.

Going to be 10 years old boy, my nephew Naqib's afterschool activities are: kelas Al-Quran & Hafazan at 5-6PM, Smartreader on odd days 8-9PM, Kumon on other days, swimming class, playing with Yaya while watching Spy Baba on Astro, and few odd hours of bicycling around the neighbourhood with friends and coming home crying with a graze on the knee after a fall each time without failing. Oh le difference..

Macy Gray in the houseee!! We sing "I try to say goodbye and I choked..I try to walk away and I stumbled..." We still luv your hair Yayaa..

I am going to the end of A&E rotation. I think I've had enough. Man the hospital is really eating me from the inside.

Yesterday's on-call was officially seen as THE BLEEDING CALL. We've had like, five or more, bleeders. One ended up in ICU. One post-appendectomy guy was rushed to surgery for intra-abdominal bleed. Just when I was about to finish dealing with that case they called me for a per-vaginal bleeding lady. And later there was a massive epistaxis. Stop it already! Like everyone just decided to bleed tonight!!

I heard great news about the newly qualified Doctors. Congratulations!! All hard works paid off. Enjoy your hard-earned title and your long hiatus before the real deal.

good ol' days

Happy Sunday in the spring. Or is it really spring? The shy weather has reverted back to bitter wintery cold. It's Ireland anyway, the reason why I'm not surprised.

The kind of food that goes straight to your coronary arteries.

I was looking at the old files in the external HD and found these. God those were really the good old days..

Venue: Somewhere in Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Date: Summer 2006
Title: Cambodge Relief Mission Pilot - Advertisements
Notes: We were bored waiting and there were water bottles and cam-corder

Take 1



Take 2



Hahaha. I love these girls so much. So natural..


Then the good Cambodian fun. Hmmm..



Although I was fat (was?) and tanned, I was a much happier person back then. A lot of good fun. Seriously..

Growing up sucks. *Sulk..*