I need some inspirations

This is it. I couldn't help myself feeling so messed up about things so tiny and insignificant but really getting in my way now.

It started with the on-call list this morning, lucky enough I escaped the deadly 1st day of work on-call, thank God. Then it was the teammate who made his own call for the distributions of jobs. WTF! He's not getting away with this I can assure you (he's gonna learn the real person he's dealing with soon). And that was enough to heat up my morning.

My favourite part of the day was when The Boss made an appointment to see all of the interns working with him for the whole year. He has always been an inspiring person to me all these while so doing that really boost the spirits up. He discussed about the research opportunities we have working with him, and I addressed about my interests in things related to paediatrics. We'll see. I'm so in love with him and his kind-hearted research registrar I do! (literally)

Apart from work, the new place has been fixed pretty much. It still have this same emptiness and unfamiliarities inside though. I think I need more time to adapt this time. I went to meet the familiar friends in town yesterday. We discussed about how hard this few weeks have been, no same faces to laugh and bitch around and everything is fairly solitarily done.

As for myself, these few days have been extra extra hard. No internet connection at home for a fast company, and I really miss the comforts of familiar friends. I miss the people who understand me, that I don't have to do extra efforts to be understood. At one point I was wrecked and I thought I've became too old to go through the process of gaining mutual understandings from people from scratch. But soon I realized that for as long as I'm breathing, this process will never stop so I just have to live with it. You just have to be patience and give me more times to deal with it. God I'm really struggling to wean myself from my old familiar life.

Nonetheless, I have prioritize my business and please dear God help me to get through this one fine.

I made a vow to myself that I'm not letting people downgrading me as they wish, I'll work honestly and with all my hearts seek every opportunity to become a better doctor.

que sera sera

The last goodbye for this time was in fact the hardest amongst those in the last 5 years. Mainly due to the facts that;

• I traveled back on my own
• I entered the new place alone
• It was pin-drop silent, cold and plain empty in here although filled with those boxes of unpacked stuff
• The break was plain insufficient
• I'm not ready for work, not at all!
• I miss my family so damn much the feeling's unbearable..

I felt numb along the journey, almost half-dead, even the most inspiring words of Muhammad Asad's The Road to Mecca couldn't bring the life in me. People kept repeating their sentences when talking to me, I guess it really showed from the face. I wandered aimlessly in Frankfurt Main just to kill the time in transit period, following my feet with my thoughts everywhere but with me, and in the end almost missing my flight to Dublin. I safely reached Dublin don't worry, and it was the same cold, gloomy and rainy summer in Dublin. Great..

Oh well, que sera sera. (whatever will be, will be)

With prayers and hopes, here's to the new step into adulthood. (work & commitments)

* * *

On another note, Happy Birthday to my big sis. She's been truly my bestest friend, my enemy, my punching bag most of the time, my role model, my almost everything from the moment I was a kid till now. I owe her a lot by mainly physically abusing her (when I was a little) and her money (now). I wish her good health and wealth, a successful career pathway and unconfused love life, with love and blessings from Allah SWT. Sila lah kahwin cepat2 supaya Acu boleh kahwin pulak ha haa kidding.. I miss her a lot, and still hating her for her confident salon touch on my hair, lucky her, hair can grow (and with the new technologies there's hair extensions some more). I will miss her dearly each time I look in the mirror for as long as I don't get my 'usual' hair look back. I hate you!



I need to unpack the stuff, clean the house and cook the dishes. Haven't been doing any of those eversince the parents were in Dublin last time. This is gonna be hard. I want mommyyy!!! T_T (look like there's no slightest hope I'm gonna grow up)

my girls

I wasn't planning on writing anything till I safely reached Dublin but reading Shera's special entry moved me beyond my contained emotions. I don't think I can recall the night-in-the-making precisely better than her, (I mean knowing her this long and admiring her wisdoms in Malay writings - anak didik Faisal Tehrani ni!); mostly due to the never ending moments of pure joy I always have being with my SSP girls that sometimes made the time just stop ticking, plus the mixed feelings I'm trying to suppress inside me now; all that prevented me to remember the best moments I went through being at home for 9 days. Thanks to her, they are now overflowing..

I know I've missed (and am gonna miss somemore) one hella lot of major events with regards to my girls. I mean we're not even that many - only 84 people in the batch! So yeah, keeping each other's stories up to date shouldn't be a problem you said. Well, unlike these girls, some people are plain me; morons in keeping friends. So God has arranged it nicely that morons like me befriend angelic people like these girls so that friends won't lose touch with each other. So I really thank Allah SWT for making me one of their friends and sisters, I really really do!


Girls (the ones who came, called and sent their thoughts), I had a lot of fun that night, I ate A LOT (Dublin mana ada steamboat weh) and I don't even care that I had major diarrhea upon reaching home (coz I know it was the shittakee mushrooms that took me down not you), I treasured every moment being with you girls that I totally ignored the world around me, I didn't care the makciks that gave us the look when we made a lot of noises, I am deeply touched that you girls rushed to meet me in your working attires in heavy rains, I am truly honoured to be your friend that you never tired of seeing each time I go home for my break, and most importantly I know that I always have you girls to turn to at all times. Thank you, beyond words can explain..

As promised Shahirah, especially for you! :)

This will definitely make the back-to-Dublin process harder. I hate this change, I think it sucks!!! (sulking big time)

p/s: Anem thanks for planning this and picking me up, seriously kau kene ajar aku jalan KL next time!!

it's either the fat or the fever talking

If tummies could talk, mine will surely trash talking on me all the way for its no rest policy eversince I stepped a foot in homeland. As I stared at the numbers on the weighing scale, relentlessly, wishing that they just stopped at their previous marks, not x units up! Maybe it was that pair of blue jeans, and how about holding the breath a bit longer? Looked down, no, still the same! Damn..I blame you (kuey teow kerang) and you (ABC) and you (S.R.'s Choc Indulgence), and yep you (Hj Samuri Sate Kjg) and don't act like I don't see you Mr! (roti john sardine)

(hati koyak..sedikit..)

I'm dreading the fact that I'm going back on Saturday, believe you me, I am going back after only 9 days in the country. This sucks big time! (sulk)

There's Jimmy in the house. We took him from sis place yesterday when I first met him. Handsome! They put him in a pet hostel while my parents were with me in Dublin and my sis went outstation. Can you believe that? A pet hostel? Costs RM 12 per day, meal inclusive not bath (another RM65). I wouldn't be in med school 5 years ago if I could travel in time to foresee this and open the business earlier. By 30 I can be one of those fabulous, young and filthy rich business women you can only dream to be. Too bad I couldn't.

And yep, this entry is also to celebrate my new blog-buddies. Presenting DazzleDalie, MiniBrigde and his flatmate Miwqa (I came to know that guys don't like the idea of living just the 2 of them in a flat, so people let me clear this one before any further speculations; nope they're NOT just 2 people in the flat..ha ha..) Semua masih single and available if I'm not wrong? Ecewah..

I think I'm getting sick from the change of weather and the dusts. Haaaa-chooooo!!

homey

I am getting online at the rate of a siput sedut kepenatan, luckily I'm too happy to be mad at this hour. And I'm using Yanie's TM Net username & password for the dial-up, prove of facts that I always need her in my life. He he (my old one has expired and I'm renewing it first thing in the morning)

Bangi remains the same like before I left the last time. There are some major developments around KL, the SMART tunnel which reminded me of Dublin's port tunnel that costs EUR12 per entry on peak hours (what the?), and not to forget some new Jusco (yay!). Not more than 72 hours being home I've already been to 2 new Juscos around here and I don't know why I did that. Ha ha. I missed the ISetan sale held over the weekend but I'm not too bothered about that, considering the fact that I am technically living on other people's mercy (money) now. The sibs mentioned about many new eating places too. Dear God save me.

Not more than 72 hours being home too, I have succumbed to the dark side of eating. Putting in mind about the mini holidays I'm on, the little plan was to eat in a very small amount of basically everything on the menu of a typical 2 to 3 months' holidays meal in 10 days time, just for the sake of tasting them. Not so smart! Last night I was left curled on the bed with the stomach bloated and an hourly visit to the loo. Profuse diarrhea, I wanted to trail back which one was the culprit but realized it was almost impossible to do that, the list was already too long! So the lesson was to keep moderate. Oww screw that!! I'm gonna enjoy my food to bits and I'm not giving you any..how about that? He he..

Today is Sofea's birthday too. She has grown up so fast - at 1 year she can walk, few words with a lot of babbles, sing burung kakak tua, and she is the best kid to take care of - doesn't cry much, smiles a lot, no tantrums, sleeps easily. She has this very exotic curly hair, long limbs and resembles most like one of those Will Smith's kid. He he. I miss her burung kakak tua song already.

OK gotta sleep. My sleep-wakeful cycle is more ruined with the change of time and I'm seeing the future of no correction for that (with the work coming and all). I really need to rest for more eating spree tomorrow. Ha ha..

life in and around

For the sake of my beloved friends in M'sia (or not in Ireland generally), I thought I probably do some updates on myself - well that's if you consider the previous posts haven't been revolving around me, me and me. I scored high on being a narcissist on a personality test if you don't know, he he.

So yep, I'm pleased to say that I've graduated on May 31st, all praises to Allah SWT. It was an exciting experience, fast but exciting. Mostly due to the fact that I've finally came to my most awaited moment, after those long torturing years of studying in med school (member lain dah beranak pinak with masters degree/PhD dah), and the rest would be just a mixture of everything; the first 2" heels (jakun), the makeovers (lagi jakun), the baling topi moment, the love and gratitudes, etc.

Didn't they say that pictures speak thousand words?












And again, my deepest thanks to all who've helped (make-up & photography) and those who came before, during and after the ceremony. You guys have certainly made the day more meaningful to me without you know it.

So what's next? Well, I got a job as an intern (that's houseman officer - HO in M'sia) for a year in the hospitals here in Dublin and I took it. I realized though how much I hated this place and how badly I wanted to go home and serve my own people, for now this is for the best when considering various of reasons I don't feel like elaborating. So friends, people, behold to embrace the new flavor full of sadness and hopefully some happiness in my blog for at least another coming year. Yep that's right, poor little me all lonely in this cold city.

As for now I have at least half of the month to enjoy my freedom. For a start I'm gonna catch my flight home in 10 hours time. I have only about 10 days to spend at home, by far the shortest holidays I've ever been on, even my first Spanish visit took longer than that. (This is the kind of sacrifice I'm learning to swallow and it ain't easy!). My intern shadowing commences on June 25th and my official first day of work will be on July 1st. (scaryyy!!)

Nonetheless, for now let's just think less about work and more on Naqib, Ariff & Pia, the sibs, cendol, putu mayam, roti tissue, ABC, mee goreng mamak, lai chee kang, roti john, murtabak and the likes. He he..

I'll see you when I see you.. (the ocean's way)

p/s: SSP girls, let's get together for a lunch or something!

saat aku lanjut usia

Many congratulations to Dr Che' Muzaini on her recent change of status. I'm truly happy for you and wishing you all the happiness in marriage life, with blessings and love from The Almighty.

To growing up and being an adult, here I bring the so-called book of life. From birth to death, what would life be without the compassions from God above and the comforts of people you love; lovers, families, friends, strangers.

Here's also one of my earliest favourite from SO7. Sweet.

"Children are all foreigners." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Education begins a gentleman, conversation completes him." - Dr Thomas Fuller

"Male and female represents the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluids harden to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman." - Margaret Fuller

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it." - George Bernard Shaw

"He who has a thousand of friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere."
- Ali ibn Abi Talib

"There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at one time." - Rebecca West

"Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complains which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes to the middle life it is apt to be serious." - P. G. Wodehouse

"Desire, ask, believe, receive." - Stella Terrill Mann

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living." - Miriam Beard

"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err." - Mahatma Ghandi

"In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways." - Edith Wharton

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball

I probably have to prolong my heartiest congratulations to my friends who are getting married this summer, I won't be there to witness the history in the making but my prayers will always be for you. Cheerios~

we grow through changes

I realized that I needed some changes in my life, good changes I mean. If only I didn't despise maths so much and paid extra attentions in school, I could've calculated my cumulative achievements or deducted my loss and failures, and then produced few graphs of my life performance levels over the years in different headings I'd want them to be and analyzed myself in a more efficient way. Hypothetically.

I know I've been through some major changes in life, and about to commit in few more in near future. Honestly I'm having little doubts about them, I mean seriously, this is nothing like putting down the name on the school play/drama list when you can reconsider the role given and opt-out whenever you don't feel like it. But putting more thoughts on that, I realized that it's almost time to take part in this whole grown up things and be real, like Mr Spidey used to say - with great power comes great responsibilities. OK you can laugh all you want for my very grown-up quote from a grown-up superhero. Whatever.

So for a start, I did some changes on this blog. I figure you probably have been tired from my previous orange appearance, so here's a new simpler and hopefully more mature look of me. Feel free to leave a message/comment or two.

For some who have been wondering where did Shouta came from (and made some wild guesses on me being a Japanese addict and such), well in truth things are not that complicated. In form 4 when the school had an exchange students programme with a Japanese school, I was given to care for a Japanese boy named Shouta. Things worked a bit funny at that time, the fact that I didn't know any words in the language except for ohaiyogozaimasu, konnichiwa and buta (blame the fellow Japs students for the last one hehe) and he didn't know a lot of English but good enough when compared to his Japs friends. I remember he was the captain of his school's soccer team and when I brought him to shoot some hoops and he failed at some attempts he mentioned, "No basketoball, I'm a socca playa.." He he. We had fun the whole day though. That was when the name sticks on me for some of my friends. And that's that.

So I'm hoping for some great changes to happen in future and pray that I can become someone that go changing the lives of others. Literally. May Allah help me..

her farewell

As I stood there at the departure gate, watching the sight of Yanie disappeared in front of me, I kept repeating in my head that I finally have to believe that she really has left. I would never imagine to come to the day when I'd be left on my own without my supporting scavengers. It's not like we'll never get to meet each other again, heck we already set a date to meet up in KL once I'm home in a week's time. It's the thought of going through another year here all by myself without the one I'm really closed with that made me became heartbroken than ever.

I remember arriving in Dublin barely knowing anyone at all. I came to term that I didn't really mind being put anywhere, as long as I can breathe and study, a little uncomfortable would always do. I was luckier than I thought I'd be, having to meet people who really cared for me. Maybe it was our survival instinct that came into play, or we were just two plain simple person who really connects, we fastly became best mates. People who don't know mistaken us for old friends when the truth is we only met eyes to eyes the first time when being introduced to each other hours after stepping into this country.

I could just brag more about things you won't find significant. But to me friendship was the thing I cherished the most being away from my family all these times.

So here's to the blank moments in early med school when we didn't know how to spell xiphisternum, to the early morning walkings along the cold canal and coming in late for the 8.30am anatomy classes, to the panicking an hour before the first pharmacology exam when we prayed hard the past years questions to come out (of course they did not, and we failed badly), to the miserable moments of the first professional exams, to the scary Amsterdam experience of being stranded in the middle of the red light district and didn't know what to do, to all the laughings till we can't talk anymore, to the comfortable silence we had, to the tears that were shed in times of difficulties, to the tears that were shed for the joy of success, to the happy hours in the kitchen, to the planned un-surprised birthday surprises, and I think above all, to the unplanned sisterhood that speaks for itself from the very beginning..

Thank you for always being there for me, I don't know how do I deal without you next year.

if only you'd understand

It's the fact that I'm only halfway packing my stuff and I need to finish before sunrise, and the fact that the little mouse still lingers around the house though my dad has cleaned the food store, or the fact that I'm wearing the rose pink top that I thought I've lost 2 years ago, and the fact that I; as I'm writing this; had only freshly graduated not more than 48 hours ago, and still the fact that I need to finish pack up stuff yet I'm writing you, and mainly the fact that my friends, yes the beloved friends, are going home for good, one by one, leaving me in this cold place for at least another year to go,

- that make tonight extra hard than it's supposed to be..

It won't be easy, I'm losing my grips.