of rendang overdose, eid-ul-adha and Saddam's execution

I woke up early today as my stomach responded naturally to the overloading rendang I had yesterday from eid. Oh yes, selamat menyambut hari raya aidiladha to the Muslims all around the world. I brought myself to remember one important event that's happening today far across on the other part of the world, that is the Saddam Hussein's execution. Turned on the laptop and the radio in my room, didn't wanna wake up a friend who was fast asleep in the lounge. As I read the news all over the internet, I couldn't help the mixed feelings I had. Anger, sadness, remorse, anger, confused, shame, anger again. I don't know. The 3 minutes video of his execution brought a little tears to my eyes. Maybe it was my fear of death and the hereafter more so than witnessing Saddam's pulseless head mercilessly overhanged with the crowd roaring out loud in the background. God what is happening to the world?

I remember asking one of my close Arab friends about her view on Saddam's regime. Having to see her own dad taken away by Saddam's troop during the Iraq-Kuwait war (Gulf War) in the 90's, she was just relieved when they returned him unscratched after being held in caption overnight and has a tough view pertinent to Saddam's business eversince. Myself, living in a peaceful country with my dad coming home every evening to have dinner with the whole family, I don't know which side should I pick. I'm angry the fact that Saddam's dictatorship had caused a lot of chaos and discords between the Arab world, fuming the Sunni-Syiah conflicts and ripping the people of the religion apart . But I do think it's just horrendous the oil-driven-play that Mr. Bush has put up toying Iraq as if people's innocent lives have no value at all. I think it's demoralizing and insulting to the religion as well that the execution was held on one of the holiest days of us Muslims when they literally slaughter a Muslim as a qurban. And I think it's the lowest level of sadness and grieve seeing a group of Muslims with different views cheering on another Muslim's moment of death.

I am indeed only talking from a peek view from outside the glass house. There's a lot to learn; for us Muslims, from this event. I have a lot of doubts when Bush mentioned in the news that the execution will put an end to the Iraqis sufferings under Saddam's regime. I pray in my daily prayers that Allah SWT protects and gives victory the Muslims all over the world.

B&W eid night

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha.
Maaf zahir & batin.

Clearly a lot of issues been going on up there.
I tried my luck in B&W. My sifu said use ISO800 to give the grain effect to make it more classical. Clearly the 4 girls from the right have ruined the picture and made it less classical (what's it with coats and jeans for classics?)
In the middle we have the hottest girl giving the hottest pose ever.
On the far right, I'll be killed for mentioning this the 3rd time but I simply can't help it; Gusaccii..

Happy eid all~

Istanbul, not Constantinopole

What a holiday it is.

I went to Istanbul, Turkey with a group of friends one day after the holiday officially commenced. Back to basics, the initial intentions (niat) would vary between individuals, and verily we get only what we wished for. Honestly, my mixture of goals for this trip were almost all fulfilled. History, people, local delicacies, shopping, peace of mind, friendship, and yep, olives..well there maybe some cracks and holes here and there but heck, how do u interpret 'ideal' when nothing is as perfect as the only Creator above?

Blue mosque at night time from the top of a building

Turkey post-Attaturk is as half confused as I am. You see the stunning Aya Sufya (Haghia Sophia) with large dome and golden walls only wasted for the eyes to be seen when she can accomodate a lot of people for prayers. Great job Attaturk, she is now a museum. Once we were stopped by a local man, (thanks to one of the trip members who put himself out as if we're so well off, I must say half of the trip were so interesting because of this :p) he mentioned he's as poor as any Kurds could be and gave us good bargains for some turkish made table cloths for the fact that we share and practise the same faith. We, eaten by sympathy, bought few and opened his rezki for the day. Only later on the way back to the hostel we bumped into him by the roadside having his shoes polished while he recommended us this place down the road called the 'English Pub' with drinks and live belly-dancing. Wow, I got more confused there and then.

Nevertheless, the Turks in general potrayed me their strong faith in God, though their practise would still be questionable (well who am I to judge that). With population ratio for M:F nearly 5:1, I must say the 4 of us girls got special attentions when it comes to bargaining for cheaper price when shopping (and broke some of the guy's hearts for a cheaper apple tea deal hi hi). Never had I travelled to a place where eating was a bliss; easy coz everything is halal, and super cheap. Tell me where in the world could you get a kebab for EUR0.70? (Irish price EUR6 +/-). And God the rest; the pomergranite juice, the profiterols (ok I know u can get this anywhere else in the world but I thot I had the best one in Istanbul), the apple cay (tea), the hamburgers (oh drooling), the pistachios turkish delights, and the olives, hmm.

Turkish apple cay, profiterol, Turkish coffee

Now that I'm back to the real deal in Dublin, half of me still wanting to be off reality and live on holidays forever. I gather the best way to see life is by putting oneself as a traveller; moderate insecurity, a lot of vigilance, specks of adventures, a lot of learnings, and for most of the time the uncertainty of what future beholds make one connecting oneself to the Creator more so than any other time. Afterall, we're only travellers on our journey to the eternity ain't we?


Well, the holiday shall continues. It is an interesting one indeed..

post-scriptum: Yah was in Dublin 2 days ago. She's graduating about the same time I will next year inshaAllah. She mentioned about the travelling she's done 5 years living abroad, which was none (other than yearly visit to Dublin for PUISI). I asked why, she said, "Buat apa nak pegi visit tempat tu untuk tengok2 sedangkan kau boleh tengok kat depan komputer je semua tu.." He he, Yah, you've not changed a bit.

my dogma on the current life

I realized if I have the chance to freeze time, it would be now (though it's not the best of times I had, plus there's no options for rewinding time, and I'm desperate). Yep, I desperately don't want my student's life to end, not yet!

How bad the days turn out to be, how bitchy the (over-achiever) friends are, how intimidating the lecturers could be, how bland the hospital food taste on your tongue, how tight the schedules could drive you mad, how nauseated you could be on the bus ride, how terrible the weather is;

at least, at the end of the day you can still laugh about the stupid things you did in the day without compromising some other people's lives. No heavy duty responsibilities. (Well that's if you don't include the compulsory case uploads and quizzes per weekly as heavy duty responsibilites now).

What make the days more meaningful is the people around you; the great friends who talk the same mind as yours, the inspiring doctors and lecturers you really wish you'd become alike one day (and inspire other people in return), the patients who use medical jargons more than you do you wish you'd have them for the exams..thanks all, you wouldn't be able to imagine how much impacts you've given to one's life.

And the best part would be; after you finished bitching about your bad days (and relate your life to a song coz you like it and you think the video is cute); you'll eventually come to the long holidays you'd never been able to think about once you've started working...hmm...

Why do lately my tastebuds yearn for saffron and olives and I feel the Bosphorus breeze on my face~~~

Oh I love this moment so much I wanna dump the other moments, marry this and start having little kids.. -Dr Cox

not just a bag of bones (but i'm just a bag of craps i know)

Oh me. I think I'm in a big trouble.

It's my bone consultant.

He's the leading shoulder guy of the country. And he's just in his mid-30's. And boy, he has resemblance for Jack from Lost. Only better looking. (A lot better).

Yesterday he wore his blue L.V tie in the clinic (last week it was Hugo Boss with matching suit). He asked me to go to the day ward with him for a while. On the way there he spoke about his major affinity on the key-hole shoulder surgery, I swear I could see passions in his eyes.

What else could I asked for the final fortnight of my surgery rotation. A successfull (and good looking) teacher with a lot of passions in his work. Things can't be better than this. (He would've been less attractive if he lacks his passions I promise)

This notion will keep my mouth cramps from smiling too much, even the thought of Prof Bukit won't eradicate this.. (cut the story short, he's the evil character in my book of life now)

Adios peeps~ (smiling broadly)

of contemplating

On Thursday (my birthday) I arrived in the hospital at 6.45 in the morning. (What a great way to start celebrating your birthday like that). That day the students in the main general surgeons' teams had to present their patients on the dry rounds. So lucky me, I was one of them. I came to the 7 am ward rounds, got the patients' updates; vital signs, feeding, input output, drains, etc, all checked. I had 3 patients under me who were in different wards. So I had to run to these 3 different places to check them, and then ran to the lecture theater for the surgical grand rounds afterwards.

Just when I was about to finish my updates I noticed that my small cards were gone, the small cards that I jotted down my patients' details, they were all gone!! How could I be so careless. I started panicking, this won't be good I thought. I literally had to trail back my footsteps for the past hour, from the lower ground floor ICU to the 4th floor. I started panicking really bad. It was the patients' confidential details and also the lines I was going to say in front of prof's face that I worried about. And in that desperate moment I wouldn't be able to think about reconstructing new lines for my presentation. I had to find the papers, oh God the hospital is so big and those papers are so small, and I only have a little time left before the dry rounds began! That moment I knew I was in total hopelessness. I didn't know who to ask help from and what to do. I knew I ONLY had HIM.

I started saying istighfars and asked help from Allah swt. If I had to vote for one moment that I was absolutely powerless, it had to be that one. It felt like I had nothing around me, and only strings attached to my limbs straight to the sky above. Like the string doll. Waiting for my master to move me. I uttered more istighfars. I knew I didn't put my best performance as a muslim lately. I repented and repented more. I moved my feet to the stairs and went to the ICU. Hanged the whitecoat and got into the plastic apron. Searched for the papers near my semi-sedated patient. Not there or anywhere near him. Dumped the apron and quickly ran to the 3rd floor. I became more panicked. I'll miss the grand round and prof will call my name for the student's feedback after it finishes and I won't be there, I bet that would happened to me, just adding the nerves and making more sense to the catastrophic morning I was having.

Reaching the 3rd floor, I went into the the first room from the corridor. I knew I spent some times there in the morning talking to my friend, chances were I might dropped the papers there. With the greatest hopes and prayers, I went in the room, slowly, not to wake the fast asleep patients. I saw my patient who was already up, arranging her tray of coffee and breakfast. She smiled at me, "You left these papers on my table." Paused. My wobbly legs suddenly got strong again. I was overwhelmed with relieves and gratitudes. If I had more times I would give that patient the biggest hug in the world. (But I didn't). So I thanked her and ran my way to the theater. Along the way, I was walking in feelings of total shame; to Him; I didn't dare to lift my face up. How weak I was as a human, and how I have forgotten my duties in the good times, and how easy it is to be put into bad times to be reminded again. I realized that the past nervewrecking 20 minutes of my life had deemed me to fastly connecting myself to my Creator again.

So the day went very well afterwards. No prof didn't called my name after the grand round. And the presentations went smoothly as well, I couldn't be happier. I had greetings and presents for my big day from friends and family near and far, I was sincerely grateful for all of those. But the best gift for the day would be knowing that I still have my chance to ask forgiveness from my God The Almighty and live my life as a Muslim. O'Allah my Lord, let me live and die as one of your Mukmins. Ameen.

sweet November

Happy 31st Wedding Anniversary to Mom & Dad,

I love you so much, words simply can't explain.

HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY to me. Sincerely grateful for the lovely 23 years of life I had. Family, friends, people; thanks for being such inspirations.

(Today is also Beaumont Hospital's 18th Birthday, hehe. It's a sign? No?)

'..a year older, a year wiser..' hmm I miss this..

a testimony for my daddy

Not so long ago my housemate asked me, whether I've ever noticed becoming closer to my dad as I grow old. I said I prolly am. But thinking hard, I am and I'm not in many different ways depending on how I wanna put the situation in. I am coz I think I've got to discuss/talk on a lot of things/issues as my knowledge expands; i.e cars, housing and properties, medications and health; not that we always talk on those stuff that much, but yeah I'm happy that I at least would be able to chat on 'grown-up' issues with him.

On the other hand, I'm not; when thinking about the things that he used to do for me that he doesn't do much now that I'm all grown up.

I remember my siblings used to hate me so much when I used to be my father's favourite child, despite me being this fat, curly hair, and grumpy kid. I was a bit ahead in my studies so I always got him proud at the end of the year when he witnessed my prize receiving ceremony, well not that my sis/bro didn't have any. But out of my grumpiness and difficulties controlling my behaviour, he still had my photo in his purse, yep he did. (If I were my sis/bro I'd be mad too, heck yeah, they were so much cuter than I did when they were a kid, but I was cute too ok hehe). So some of the things that my dad did for me/my family, apart from the normal chores of cooking, cleaning the house, etc, that I'm now still amazed and touched thinking back would be; ironing all our formal attires on every Sunday, washed my pair of shoes and put 'kapur' on them till they shine under the sunlight, and when I was in boarding school I never had to worry about hand-washing my clothes over the weekend coz my dad took care of that, on Sunday I had my school uniforms and shoes nicely ready for the week, he even ironed my telekung and bedsheet. That spoilt.

Now that I'm an adult, I kinda miss the moments when I relied on him so much that it didn't bothered me causing him a lot of troubles, and I knew being the spoilt daughter as I was, it didn't bothered him as well. So in that case, no I don't think I am that close to him nowadays. Plus the fact that I've officially lost my title being daddy's favourite person the moment my nephew was born into the world. And things got worst when the other 2 little rascals arrived. Great. (Though I love those kiddies anyways and not planning to do anything to them just to get my title back). For what it's worth, it got me to smile broadly thinking about last summer break when I had to wake up early for my elective posting in the hospital, finding my baju kurung was nicely ironed on my bed the moment I finished my shower, and later ate my readily buttered toasts on the b'fast table. I guess in his heart I'll always be his fat, curly hair, grumpy and troublesome little daughter..

So, on the 27th of November 2006, I wish my daddy;

Happy 58th Birthday, Abah.

I send you love and a lot of prayers on your birthday, may Allah swt showers you with barakah and rahmah, gives you great health and happiness.

For the sacrifices you've made for me, for every little trouble I've caused you, for the tears you've shed for me, for the unconditional love you give me.

For everything words simply can't explain.

Sincerely from your daughter, I love you.


p/s: Just to cut the sappy mood, my mom got my dad a set of new teeth for his birthday. How cute is that? hehe..

if I were not me

1 If I were a fruit I'd be : a passionfruit; I smell and taste nice in my odd and bitterish way, and only those who's passionate enough will like me~

2 If I were a colour I'd be : GREEN

3 If I were an animal I'd be : a lazy fat fluffy black cat with white spots on my face that make me look super cute, I'll still be loved though I shit on my owner's sofa..haha

5 If I were a book I'd be : Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine; I'll definitely pass my exam with a first class degree with everything I need to know inside me..

6 If I were a clothing item I'd be : a hand-woven flowered silk pashmina; delicate and sofisticated, soft on your neck, give warmth when u wrap around your body, useful as a scarf when u need a change in your look.

7 If I were a jewel I'd be : that big bling-bling diamond everyone's jaw dropped looking at..

9 If I were a car I'd be : a red BMW 3 series coupe; sophisticated and sexy.

10 If I were an element I'd be : water; as flexible as I am, I can be iced cold that freeze your brain or scald your skin to peel when I'm boiled. I can be the delicious teh tarik mamak for your breakfast or soothing peppermint tea after dinner. I can be calm and crystal clear for a good swim or very ferocious wave that flattened everything in front of me. Heh~

12 If I were a drink I'd be : for now, I'd prolly be butterscotch flavoured cappucino @ Moda cafe..

13 If I were an ice cream flavor I'd be: the thick mango sorbet that sends your senses straight to a tropical island..

14 If I were a person I'd be : the better ME

15 If I were a planet I'd be : the sun; every other planet's encircling me, how can I be more happier..

16 If I were an insect I'd be : a dragonfly definitely

17 If I were public transport I'd be : Luas..haha (that's tram in Irish); I move very slowly, even you walk faster than I move, but I still cost you a lot of money for a ride..ow yeah..

18 If I were a song I'd be : the national anthem; almost everybody in the country knows me by heart and it's fun seeing the school kids in their boring face singing me in an offtune beats just because they have to do it every single frigging morning in an assembly..(that was my school nway)

19 If I were a movie I'd be : Grease! I'm still the best movie ever eventhough the actors/actresses that played me are old and kerepot now..

20 If I were a season I'd be : spring; when the days long and nights short, and the daffodils bloom~

21 If I were a flower I'd be : white daisy

22 If I were a job I'd be : a travelling humanitarian photo-journalist with an M.D after my name, I'll write my own book and have my own photo gallery and practise medicine at my own time..ecstatic!

23 If I were a cartoon I'd be : Shizuka; I'm cute and polite, I have Doraemon to give me cool gadgets, Nobita that loves me, Giant who punches everyone except me and Suneo, well, Suneo will just be Suneo..

24 If I were a place I'd be : Bangi..haha..there's no place like home..

25 If I were a gift I'd be : a signature Louis Vuitton handbag, and that gift's definitely for ME!

26 If I were a memory I'd be : my childhood in the coast..

27 If I were a city I'd be : Amsterdam; what's better than tulips, canals, windmills, cheese, dutchlady and clogs..(nothing to do with the RLD ok)

28 If I were a sense I'd be : vision

29 If I were a game I'd be : batu seremban; man I'll be so famous once the Msian astronauts play me in the outerspace I think I'll be introduced in an XBox/PS3 in no time..haha

31 If I were a time of the day I'd be : midnight; still, calm and mysterious..

32 If I were an invention I'd be : the one that saves you in your most desperate moment

34 If I were a country I'd be : most developed and superior in technology with people living in harmony practising faith in peace which in reality non-existance..

35 If I were a flavor I'd be : vanilla; add me with any other flavour and I'll still taste genius

36 If I were a sport I'd be : Irish hurling; I'm like hockey but you can strike the ball on ground and in the air, you score by putting the ball over the crossbar like in rugby or into the net like in soccer. You may pick the ball with your stick and carry it in your hand, or bounce the ball on the stick and back to your hand. You have 15 teammates and you play in a 137m long field. I'll have you foreigners laughing at me when u see me but I don't care coz I'm weird and complicated..

37 If I were a smell I'd be : the strong smell of coffee in the morning..hmm~

38 If I were a subject I'd be : medicine; it's so much fun to see my students suffer so much..

39 If I were a flag I'd be : very proud; people kill each other so that in the end they can see me waving proudly up in the air..

40 If I were a building I'd be : a white bungalow by the beach..

41 If I were a month I'd be : the sweet November

42 If I were a perfume I'd be : Estee Lauder's pure white linen

45 If I were a toy I'd be : unhurt

46 If I were a textile I'd be: soft and need not to be ironed

47 If I were a shape I'd be : an hour glass..waa..

48 If I were an answer I'd be: "well, (paused for 2 seconds and pretended thinking), yeah..(putting on a convincing face)"

49 If I were a tv show I'd be : Scrubs, what else? (highest level of sarcasm)

50 If I were a word I'd be : passionate~

this sucks

I go to bed late at night coz I have to look at the day's topics.
I wake up the next morning barely having any times for proper breakfast. Even my tudung and shirt are not ironed.
I take the buses with an empty stomach, halfly awake mind and crumpled tudung and shirt.
I keep the day going by drinking black coffee, still my mind wanders off sometimes in class.
I end the day with my eyes feeling like popping out from the sockets and headaches.
It's dark and cold when I go out from the house in the morning, and still dark and cold when I reach home in the evening. I haven't seen the sun for days.

My eyes are getting slitter day by day from the lack of rest and terrible sleeping pattern I adopt and my cheeks are chubbier from eating the cheese for the compensatory self-rewards.

The pimples refuse to settle and now they leave scars on my face. Great.

God help me.

back for a while

Am back in Dublin. It's gonna be a while here till my last paediatrics rotation next year which will be of 2 weeks in Kilkenny. Let's not even try to think about that and focus on the joy of sleeping in my own bed everynight from now on till then..

Anyway, my flickr is updated. Have a view. Critics and comments are welcomed.


Will be in Beaumont Hospital for the next 2 rotations. I actually haven't stepped a foot in that place since entering final year. Amazing. (And why am I not missing it at all). I hope and pray to Allah swt that it'll be a great 2 months experience for me there; on gaining knowledge-wise and also on getting ready for the big exam. InshaAllah.

I realized I haven't spoken any words on my rotation in Drogheda. Well, let's just say some things are better kept in silence. Or in other way I shall say, sometimes silence speaks the truth at its best. However good/bad the rotation was, in the end I know I've gained a lot of things in inadequacy or vice versa. Well I met a lot of interesting characters of people over there and some made me think hard about life and what's it about. Fascinating.

I ended the rotation there with a quote from one of my favourite doctors. He said;

"you don't see a girl with your eyes, you see her with your heart.."

Now you know why he's my favourite.

the end of the fatal affair

Yesterday I found out that Garfield has been playing me all these while. (Felt cheated, big time). He is multi-owned; named Ginger by the lady whose house on our left and Sofy-Pearl by the family on the right. (Who named a he-cat Sofy-Pearl anyway?).

Today I went to the newly opened Aldi not far from my place. (Now you know where a portion of my scholarship money will go every month; heavenly cheap but tempting range of products). Was walking sluggishly, until I reached the rack for catfood and subconcsiously reaching for some packs. Til Sali said, "K.Shu nak beli jugak ke catfood, kata dah merajuk ngan Garfield.." So I hesitated, halted and walked passing the area. Sincerely grateful for the housemates that stood up for me all the time.

On the way home, (the sky was murky dark today) from far I saw one charming black creature sitting on a brick gate of the row of houses on the sideway. He gave me 'that' look, that I could never resist. So I stopped, what a georgious little guy I thot (hot stuff that is). We shared a brief moment of understandings together (we could be chatting in this sense if both party speaks the same language). Then I bade him goodbye, for I didn't bring any umbrella in case it rained, the sky didn't looked promising..

It's a sign I know, maybe it's time for me to move on..


goodbye Garfield, you are no more my dark-lover (literally translated from SO7's Sephia kekasih gelapku that is)..don't come to my window ever again..

coffee talk..

I haven't been checking the news for quite a while. Today I decided to.

Here's the first line that caught my eyes.

Dr. Mahathir diserang sakit jantung ringan, keadaan stabil.

As I literally translate that, it sounds like he may got a touch of myocardial infarction. Which is quite funny. In a way that in the hospital we always see the elderly complaining they had 'a touch of asthma' or 'a touch of the heart' or 'a touch of diabetes' where in reality you would never had a touch of anything, you just simply had them all. Maybe it's mild, but you still have it don't you. Don't get me wrong I'm not making any point here (politically that is), it's just one of the hospital jokes I share with my mates that got us giggled at times when mentioning about. A touch of the heart..ow whateva..

Nonetheless, I wish Dr M a speedy recovery and may he be granted a good health inshaAllah.

Secondly, Republikan hilang kuasa di Kongres kerana Bush.

I had no digital TV in the B&B where I'm staying at the moment. So at 6 o'clock every evening when I usually watch reruns of Friends or any cartoons on Nick at my cosy home in Dublin, I watched the evening news on every channel over here instead. So I can proudly say that I'm pretty updated on things happening around me at the moment. Whatever killing took place in Limerick or whoever died in a car crash in Mayo. I've also been following the current general election going on in the Uncle Sam's country. What a (expected) turnover that is. I guess there shall be a little light at the end of this horrendous tunnel, people clearly had been sick of Bush's stupid acts, and whatever future the Democrats is painting I hope it'll be a true lesser of the evil (these devils) floating around in that coutry.

May Allah SWT save the Muslims all over the world.

Thirdly, hahaha (let me finish my laughs first)

Ramai lelaki tempatan kahwin wanita asing

What a fact. You wonder why there's lack of single males in our country, there's your answer. And I don't blame Siti for marrying Dato' K, good for you Siti. Hehe. OK to look at it more seriously I guess it is true that with these fashion and marital industries running high, the demands to create a perfect idea of wedding is going proportionally up too, and it all comes to the male gender to have to support most of the (necessary/unnecessary) costs; the rings (merisik, bertunang, kahwin), the duit hantaran, the wedding dress, the canopies and tables/hotel ballroom, the food, the many dulang of hantaran..So why do all these when you can marry a Vietnamese girl in a mosque with a Koran as a gift and register the wedding at pejabat kadi right after then you're officially man and wife? Sense? No?

Well, for me it all comes back to the basic intentions of marriage. Why do you get married? Is it because you're girlfriend/boyfriend is good looking? Is it the look in the eyes that goes straight to your hearts? Is it the girl/guy your parents want you to marry? Is it the personality that matches? Is it the lust? Or is it the easy access of fulfilling your lust? Whatever it is, be wise and pick up the strongest reason, the one that you think gonna help you sail thru marriage life till the end, the one that'll last. It's not gonna be easy doing that, the world is one difficult place to fit in. But I believe in faith as the strongest factor of all. If you have faith in God and the religion, you'd be able to cope thru thick and thin.

Looking on a brighter side, our guys marrying the foreigners is not so bad when they have the chance to widened their horizon of da'wah and spread Islam accordingly. Let's hope that most of them get married for that reason (which I supposed not many of them do according to the number of early divorcements given).

Coffee's finished, it's time to work..you go have a great day aye..

suatu petang di Drogheda..

We had a very long day yesterday. The last lecture ended at 5 painfully and the surgical grand round right after was cancelled, thank God for that.

The lot of us dispersed while I went down to the cafe for a cup of coffee to break my puasa enam.

Yani said, "Kalau kita balik terus tadi boleh tumpang Merc Kompressor mamat ni weh..tak yah jalan kaki balik B&B."

I replied, "Malas. Aku dah penat speaking english for the whole day.."

Hee..

Moral: Jangan kawin dgn orang putih. Penat.

EID MUBARAK!

(most loved and missed Wan Ariff Hafiy and Naqib Ikram, Iman Sofea (Pia) is not in the picture..)

I'll be leaving for Drogheda tonight. That means I'll be celebrating eid away from home in Dublin. Sulk.. T_T

Nevertheless, I'm taking this opporturnity to wish all readers a blessfull EIDUL-FITR, and SORRY BODY & SOUL, if I've ever said or did something wrong. Enjoy the day, wear some nice clothes and don't forget to eat before you go out for eid prayer ok. Make visits to friends' house and eat moderately, you don't wanna spoil the joy of eid with an unhappy stomach. Last but not least, please make du'a for our brothers and sisters in Islam in other parts of the world who's celebrating eid in every lackness that we don't even have to think about.

Enjoy the day, I'll see you on Friday inshaAllah~

I was absent from the hospital today and..

The Story

I was already freshed from the hot bath and was sitting queitly on my sajadah after fajr prayer when I decided to take the day off for a good rest. (It's Monday, and it was cold outside). Well, for some who still don't know, I can be very impulsive at times. U'll be surprised. When the aura for impulsiveness came, even the best/most important thing on earth wouldn't be able to withold me, like today, not even the teaching from my very own consultant. I'll figure out how am I going to take his signature for the end-of-rotation assessment form later, heh~

Ramadhan's leaving me..

We have come the the very last phase of ramadhan, believe it or not. I blame myself for not utilising the 2nd phase very carefully, I admit that I had a lot of times wasted on the unnecessaries. No use of regretting now, me and regrets, hmm. Now I have less than a week to struggle; all the lagged juzuk from the Quran, the abandoned night prayers, the missed zikrs; may Allah SWT forgive me and give me a lot of strengths to perform.

au revoir Connolly Hospital

I am near to finish my posting in Connolly Hospital (sad..), but the thought of having a lot of revisions overdued gave me headaches, why haven't I learn from the previous catastrophies from the bad time managements? Someone told me once when I uttered my worries on being in the final year, all it takes to succeed is to play by the rules. How true that is. Though now I think I've violated rule number one, that is to attend each given classes on any given conditions. I'll make it up for this one I promise..

Eid, what's that?

I have been reminding myself from early that this is not the year for eid. I have no spesific baju raya (after the new tailor had successfully ruined my favourite kain I bought in Cambodia, isk isk), I haven't got any kad raya, neither did I sent away any even to my family, I have no intentions in baking any kuih raya (last year I even made kuih siput from scratch he2), and the fact that I'll be away in a peripheral hospital on the week of raya itself hinders me from feeling the vibes of this year's eid. OK I admit I watched 'Diari Ramadhan Rafique' from youtube to get a little feel, but that was it. Up till today when I opened Mizah's blog and listened to the raya songs played there, all these feelings came rushing and I realized I missed every single excitements for eid being away these 5 years. I think I have come to reach my peaked treshold for this, next year remind me to fight for my rights to be with my family for eid wherever on earth I will be at that time. Enough is enough..

MOTS (that's moral of the story)

So it's true they say that absence makes the heart grows fonder. U realized how much you love and miss your family and friends when they're not around (and paradoxically got into each others necks when being together), and how fond you are on something that's always there the moment they're gone, and put a lot of hopes that you meant a little if not much to other people that your absence is being missed by them.

p/s:

(Though it's also true that my absence today doesn't really make my heart grows fonder to the missed lectures, and hopes that the consultants didn't missed me and I definitely wasn't wishing for any loveletters from the hospital.

Nonetheless, it's a good rest for me today, got my moments for peace and a little love spread by making donuts. My hands still sore from kneading the doughs tho..)

So goes the entry, on the day I was absent from the hospital..

je suis heureux, c'est fou

Today is my official happy day. I told you not a long time ago that I'll live my everyday moments carefully, I must say that it feels a lot difference doing this.

Mum sent me a very funny sms which I shared with the girls. It's so funny that I'm still smiling from it now. Then later we reached the hospital and started the tutorials. I then realized that I have the best combination of people in the group this time so far since we've been in the clinical years. I don't know whether it's just me or it's the final year syndrome or what, but it's a real nice feeling anyway. One guy has to love me by default coz I took him freebies from the drug company once, and he never stopped asking me to do it again after that (of course I resisted at times, what do you think I am? :p). The girls are so pretty one time one of them was speaking under the ray of lights from the window I thought I saw an angel talking to me. Some are so brilliant that I'm a bit confused when did they have the time to study above all the going to concerts and shows stories. Few are kind enough to share the list of good patients with great clinical signs. And the best for some would be the presence of the region's renowned rugby player in the group whom shed joy by his sleek Argentinian accents and his very humble opinions in everything. OK we know he's taken.

Other than that the atmosphere's been encouraging as well. It's a bit painful to fight over the duvet temptations every morning to go out in the cold for the most boring an hour bus journey. Once passing that, the joy is slow releasing throughout the day I must say. The line of tutors are great, you can ask the crappiest question on earth but still be answered nicely. Some are so funny I got cramps in my tummy for resisting the laughters from bursting out. The team's been good too. I have a very good registrar in the team whom I look up to and wish to become alike one day. And oh, thank you drug companies for making the average life of a medical student like me more meaningful, you equipped me with the essentials I know I need but never can afford to buy all. I have two extra tourniquets and few other stuff to spare, anyone wants 'em gimme a buzz! Sapa cepat dia dapat...

At the end of the day, it's the good circle of friends and people around you that add joy to your life. The housemates that cook good food, the friends that share jokes with you, not too forget the one that gave the kurma from own ladang, ha ha. It's the great timing of the month too, you feel like everything is too good to be wasted away. Makes me wanna smile from ear to ear, all day long. I was wondering can one gets wrinkles from smiling too much, then I realized how stupid the question was and smiled more at my foolishness.

Keep on smiling :)

owh I think I have fibromyalgia..

It's so hard to concentrate these days. If a song translates sarcasm, Daniel Powter's Bad Day certainly threw me off the wall with his connotations on his loss of passions, blue skies faded grey, and loss of magics. Hit me on the face.

One thing I do when feeling a bit deviant is putting the thoughts of final exams in my head; imagined getting an external examiner with the most intimidating look asking to demonstrate a full assessment of speech in a post-collapsed patient. Heh, I got goosebumps by just mentioning. So that works for the first 5 mins or so before my mind goes JD-Turk-Ellioty kinda way again.

We'll never stop being a student, that's the fact. Even when we've became the greatest teacher alive we're still a pupil, at least of our books if not of our life in general. The good thing of being a student while you're still a student is that there's always a second chance to everything. Mistakes are allowed to enable learning. Just don't take them for granted and you'll be fine.

My friend once blurted out her sickening thoughts on how there's so much to learn in this short time before the exam and how sick and tired she was being. How true can she be. It's sickening. The brain hurts so much from thinking and the body sores from running from one place to another. If my stomach was weak I'd regurgitate every little thoughts that nauseated me. Luckily I've promised myself that I'll be a bit more matured this time (and I'm still an optimist). The journey's gonna be tough like it or not. Doing final year is hard enough imagine how tough an intern life can be? So I might just wanna enjoy the ride, make pranks on it, fight the tears and hover the vomitus and pray hard enough I'll sail thru this one before another bump comes over.

Afterall, I don't think anybody ever die from taking final exams aight?

the lesser gender? (for all the MCPs out there..)

Firstly, I'm not a feminist. Neither can I remain in silence if someone badmouthed about my gender. I must admit that my crucial years of development were spent at a single sex school, which environment promotes one to have a full confidence in oneself, go out and stand up against the crowd regardless of their races and gender. We had been champions for years in our basketball team defeating the chinese schools around KL and other boarding schools in Msia, we even defeated some famous male schools around KL in dikir barat (and caused the famous male tukang karut to faint, the moment I'll never forget..hehe..good job Mizah n gang). The point is, in the years the school had created a system that nurtures the students to go out having the confidence to face most of the modern challenges nowadays (regardless whether the students would be able to pick it up or not in the end). So the point of the point is, I have a very stern background of going against racists and also male chauvinists. Heh.

I believe that Allah SWT has created human beings in a very unique and correct proportions that one person is a complement to the other and vice versa. The world goes in rounds, so thus human. And we have this sunnatullah, the rules that the creatures should abide in clear conscious or not for the smooth sailings of the life. So don't wonder too much how destructions and war happens, clearly people are being a lil naughty and not following the rules.

When it comes to gender issues, I have always been holding on to what I have in me from my previous exposures, which almost definitely creates my inner stand on this issue. I don't read the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" and such FYI. Though I agree, scientifically and also by observations, a lot of the facts are indeed true. It's just that when people attenuating the facts and started making them as a way of generalization, I think that's when they hit the first red cross. We are not the same although we're of the same XX chromosomes. Genetically, biochemically (in proportions I mean), physically, emotionally. I may liked to play masak-masak with my anak patung when I was a kid and my female friend loved polis sentri. Siti loves to collect cute teddy bears and wear pink dresses while Lina prefers car miniatures and baggy pants. Do that makes me and Siti more girly and my friend and Lina a deviant female? Well it does in the heads of the MCPs I know. He he. Oh an MCP is a Male Chauvinist Person if you don't know.

Having said that, and up in my opening statement, am not a feminist either. I am certainly against these female activists who fight for gender equality. For the second time I have to mention, MALE AND FEMALE ARE NOT THE SAME. Both have weaknesses and strengths in various areas of life. Taking a field which is dear to me as an example, the medical field. To start with, how many male students are there in a class (Let's not take overseas classes as an example shall we? Let's stick with our old Msian meritocracy system in school.) Not many, right? From my observations in Msia, there's overloading female medical students with scanty males; and most males that made it to the faculty can either be very smart, nerd but intelligent, too boastful, baik and alim, or going to the very negative end (and fastly becoming very common), a bit in lackness of Y chromosomes if you know what I mean. Yet, it's still from this rare species the students rely on as a leader or class rep of their class despite many brilliant and supreme female students. Make sense? No?

Going a bit further. Doctors. Obviously more female doctors graduated from med school than male ones, as we have a big number to start from the very beginning. In practise I think female junior doctors still predominates guys. But how many female doctors make it to the top and become consultant in a hospital instead? Not many! Are you confused now? Why is this bizarre phenomenon happens?

Well, the answer to why the girls chose Mamat the nerd medical student as their class rep over other girls who seemed a more competent leader, and why out of 20 mixed gender junior doctors there's only 1 female doctor and 6 male became consultant specialists in the end is not rocket science if you think about it. It's all sunnatullah. The girls clearly had realized of how the most brilliant girl in the class with good leadership values can become all hormonal hence emotional at times which can affects her judgements. And in the medical career, female docs tend to back down a little when she started thinking about family and raising kids, thus the sacrifices in this context are on us. One doctor mum can raise up 3-5 kids who inshaAllah will be of the same profession or of the same qualities later if things go properly I promise. We are the hands that rocks the cradles. So, ARE WE STILL A LESSER GENDER though we're not the leader of a class or the famous thoracic surgeon in the hospital now? NEVER!

Because the key is the complementing system that Allah creates to balance things around. Even the grestest man in the world can't cope without the presence of a woman (sunnatullah, unless he's going against the current). And the toughest and macho-est woman needs a man in her life. For every great man, there's always a woman behind him, sounds familiar? Being superior than other is so subjective when people below you are actually doing their works accordingly, sometimes greater stuff than you do. It is indeed a perfect system already, it's always us human that tends to bleak. So again, we have been created so differently so that in the end we can complement each other in the beneficial kinda ways.

I may end this healthy (I supposed) arguement with a cartoon I received from Ola a while a go. Something to smirk at.


No heart feeling guys, bulan puasa tak baik marah..he he..

So the take home message is; WE ARE NEVER EQUAL, WE JUST COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER..

optimiste pour l'avenir

One week passes by so slowly. Ramadhan Mubarak peeps! I wasn't fully ready for this fasting month last Sunday, now it's Sunday again. The week wasn't so bad to be honest, it's just that I have issues with my time management.

I've started my medicine rotation in Connolly Hospital on Monday. It's a superb hospital. Well if you're from RCSI, this is the hospital you'd want to put on top of your application list for internships. (Waterford's second). The new wings are opened, there are not so many patients, great learning opportunities, great doctors and renowned consultants, good study environment, great research opportunities, etc. The amount of knowledge gained the first week there is equally the same for 4 weeks in Beaumont Hospital. Let's not talk about Beaumont. It'll kill the good air.

So the days were occupied with tutorials and consultant teachings. We went to see patients in between classes, finished the compulsory OSCE, do OSLER with the tutors, attended ward rounds and clinics; at the end of the day I was wearied and unmoved on the bed once I'm back home. Soreness physically and more mentally. I wish I had more than 24 hours in a day. I know I can't. There's more stuff to do. My life isn't just about medicine. (Though it seems predominantly is at the moment).

I don't know how people do it. I think I'm fit enough to endure the day. And yet I'm left with aches and panda eyes. It's about balancing the surge of enthusiasms in learning and the amount of energy there to serve. Take supplements? Gym? Yoga? Retail therapy? Hehe.. (I missed yesterday's 7a.m NEXT sale, thanks to people who made me think twice before I pour my money out unnecessarily)

Luckily it's Ramadhan, the month of blessings. And I'm an optimist. Heh. So I'm gonna take things as it is. I figure the best way to be happy is to live every moments while I'm at it. While it doesn't stop me from thinking about the future, it surely helps making my life became more meaningful. Du'as, tahajjuds, Quran recitations, family and friends, a good walk, great food, comfy duvet, laptop and S3 IS, tv and Grey's Anatomy..life isn't worth to be gloomed about.

(I didn't mentioned books did I?)

"Are you Sunni or Syiah?"

Last weekend I purposely didn’t want to go back to Dublin as it’ll be the last weekend of my rotation here, plus I’m cutting the nauseas and tiredness of the 3 hours journey by bus. (And cutting the cost of the bus fare too). So on Friday evening while having dinner with few other girls who stayed back in the apartment, the news about Pope Benedict’s controversial statements was aired on Sky News. Since all of us are Muslims, we couldn’t be more of the same minds on how displeased we are and how fuming fellow Muslims all over the world would react on his provocative statements.

It was a long conversation we had and one thing led to another. Up till a point that I realized that we were actually talking and agreeing about the very same issues; of the invasion of Palestine and Lebanon, of boycotting Israel’s and American’s products, to the many leaders of the world who’s doing their good and bad parts in this so-called war on terror. Up till a point when my rich syiah friend offered me if I want to have the list of things to be boycotted, and I said I would email her the same thing as well. Yep she’s a syiah, but our minds were locked in the very same world issues.

I still think it’s a shame that sometimes people judge other people by the differences in their faiths, when in truth you could have so many things in common that you can work your way together.

I remember seeing this patient a week ago. He was in his late 60’s, looked very well-versed and was reading a thick serious book when I met him. We chatted and I did my clerking and physical examination, then I finished by looking at his drug cardex. While I was tightening some loose ends on the history, he asked me,

“So, are you a Sunni or Syiah?”

Smiled. “Sunni.”
“Why do you asked? Do you think it makes a huge difference to you?”

“Well, it’s breaking Iraq apart for sure. They’re killing each other now.”

“It sure does. That’s because the media and people (like you) are looking at it the wrong way. Things became uglier.”

He bragged on the differences and I insisted on the common grounds. At last, he finally agreed on few similarities and I had to approve on few disparities as well.

Though I may disagree on the way my syiah friend says her prayers, or the celebrations she celebrates, or how she dresses, or even the way she love lentils and chick peas with olives and salads (and she probably wouldn’t agree on my anchovies and dried shrimp paste as well), I learn that we can’t always escape the truth but we can surely stop making further damages by finding issues we can definitely nod our heads together with. We are indeed living in a very grim world with harsh realities. Now it left to us whether we’d want to jump and drift in the same dismal current, or pick up few good things and use it to our own benefits later.

in Port Lairge

(*senget..)

I’m back in Ireland, the good green land of Shamrocks and Leprechauns. Almost half a decade being in here, all I can say is that Irish never fails to amuse me. It’s their courtesy on the roads, how they respect the pedestrians, the way they smile at you though you’re a complete stranger to them, the professionalisms they show at workplace, how courteous they are when dealing with customers in shops, the list goes on.

Having said that, I can say that I’m also amazed by how simple these people (Westeners) are leading their daily lives. Taking food as an example, it’s funny to think that they’ve been eating toast with butter and jam if not scones, or well, sausages and omelet at best, for breakfast all their lives. Let’s compare with what we, Malaysians, eat for breakfast..well, let’s not. It’s obviously incomparable. I was having my scone one morning when I realized that it’s the same bland scones I’ve been eating for breakfast for the past 4 mornings. Suddenly my taste buds yearn for section 15’s tosai rawa with teh tarik. Yummy! I honestly feel sorry for these people who are missing one huge part of life’s excitements; great scrumptious food! Why go dairy and cheesy when you have all these spices in the world that can dance tango on your tongues so elegantly? Owh food, great Malaysian food..

Well, the only thing I miss about this place is the weather honestly, and alhamdulillah the weather’s been very decent since my arrival apart from some heavy rains once in a while. The view’s still very much charming in rains notwithstanding. Well, I’m an optimist.

I traveled down south to Waterford the morning I arrived Dublin for my first final med posting. A week late from the scheduled date and still very much tired and jetlagged, I was ready for any consequences of my actions. There was no reason for being late whatsoever; I’m at the most crucial point of my medical course and the fact that I just finished my elective posting in HUKM a week prior wouldn’t sound good for a reason when they’ll soon find out the outcome of that elective (other than the fun, err not so impressive!) if looking at the amount of knowledge I’ve gained.

Nonetheless, the good side of it is that I already have the momentum of being in the hospital mood thus the change of environment wasn’t abrupt, so coping was a lil bit easy this time. And I smiled broadly when the first question I got from my consultant on the first day of ward round was interpreting an ECG, which I had done numerous times (and failed a lot of times) during the elective in HUKM. Guess the elective wasn’t bad, at all..

Last week flew very fast and I passed every awkward moments (of not knowing what to answer when being asked in class, thus cute face was made) with flying colours. This week my level of concentration dropped, so badly that I can’t do any studies once I’m back in my apartment. I miss home dearly. I miss Pia to be exact. I can imagine how depressed I’m gonna be if I were to work here for my internship later. Well, whatever it is, I’m still leaving the options open. We’ll see..

GAMBATTE SHU!

sunset at my backyard

I spent the evening showing Naqib the 4 kittens we found in our store at the backyard whence I glanced at the horizon and saw the prettiest sky I've ever seen since we moved to Bangi.

"Wah cantiknya langit, Acu nak gi amek kamera sekejap lah," I said.

Naqib looked at me as if I missed something. Unsatisfied, he said, "Lain kali cakaplah ALHAMDULILLAH!"

(tahan gelak) "Thee he he, bukan alhamdulillah la Akib, SUBHANALLAH.."

"Ala, alhamdulillah pun boley.."

Hmm



Well, big thanks to my immediate xifu who gave me a crash course on "Photography for Super-Dummies", jasamu kukenang.. If Dr Jemilah said and I quote "Volunteerism is a very sexy and definitely the in-thing nowadays", I'd like to urge her to try photography. It has definitely changed me from being a super-self obsessed person in every picture to someone who don't give a damn about being in any. I just want to take more and more pictures! Do I feel even sexier? Heck, yeah~ thee he he.

Sorry if I was being a bit overrated, I know. I started very small with my S3 IS and I keep in mind that someday I will jump into the wonderful world of DSLR. Wait till my Mastercard's tough enough to endure this expensive lifestyle (I burnt a huge hole on my Mastercard for S3 IS, duh..)

Nonetheless, my summer break is coming to an end. As I've mentioned couple of times previously, this summer break has been serving me a different flavour to the previous ones. Do I became more mature coming out of it? I think so. It has became clearer on me what I want to achieve in life and the after-life, the means of achieving them and the possible bumps on the way. I pray that Allah SWT will make things easy on me, inshaAllah.

So with my little back-to-Dublin checklist mostly ticked, I think I am quite ready to go back to the geek world of a final medical student. Though half of me is still randomly left scattered at places I've been in throughout the holidays, I think the small bit left will do just fine as a start. I will miss home, big time, but it's time to move on. (Did I say I've became more matured? Mann.) And one thing for sure I will definitely miss the serenity of the sunset view at my backyard..

Bon voyage, safe journey.

Ja~

freedom interpreted..(as eating and not colonized by Salmonella sp.)

What can I say, with this twisted mind like mine I can never make a promise to anyone on anything especially when it comes to my writings. I am all still very excited about the reunion with the girls but I just can't begin to write anything on that. Maybe you can browse through the girls' page at the right corner of this very dusty weblog to get to know the whole story of it.

Owh guess I'm at the perfect time to wish all Malaysians a very Happy 49th Independence Day. Back in school we would've spent the Merdeka night doing countdown on our very own Dataran Puteri while watching the lights and firecrackers from the festival at the twin tower from far. And that's after a good round of lectures from the seniors, which need not to be on the spirit of nationalism or dying for your country but merely on releasing what grudge they've been holding on you. Heck, school days~

Nonetheless, Malaysians, let's not take this freedom we have for granted and always reach out for the needy ones. Having the chances to go abroad and travelled to remote places like Acheh and Cambodia, I've seen poverty to its max. U can't imagine people living their lives in lackness and restrictions that we, Malaysians, would have readied in front of us in an instance. Come morning we open our eyes and enter our ensuite bathroom for a hot bath and later have a good cup of hot coffee, while people in Cambodia struggles to collect clean water from the river or well which seasonally ruined by the great floods they have each year. I still remember trying to avoid drinking iced drinks at the stalls when we were in Cambodia to avoid getting diarrhoea, but later succumbed to the scorching sun and ignored the gore stories of the uncleaned water and drank eventually. Guess what we've succumbed ourselves into next? The old friend diarrhoea! Hail to the toilets that saved our days..

My point is, these people have been living in conditions where lackness has became predominant that they've somehow developed immunity to it made evidence by their very strong stomachs whilst we, Malaysians, had one sip of their considered-as-luxurious drinking water and suffered loose stools for days and days. Believe me some of my fellow relief mates are still having their remnants of diarrhoea. Let's just hope that these salmonella sp. didn't find sanctuary in our guts and settle down instead.

I may end this with a picture I took in Cambodia. Believe me I was stunned by the view I saw of this kid making his way in a small basin he made as his boat. He's basically what Indonesians would call "anak-anak picisan", the ones that beg for money on the streets for their living. But instead, some kids of Cambodia chooses water as another means of begging. U can imagine this small fella would just tumble his basin and fell into the huge lake without anyone's noticed. Well if u do noticed would u risk your life saving him in that middle of huge lake?

I hate to compare the luxuries that my little nephews and niece are having at their very young age as to what these kids have, but I am living in a very real world that needs real intrepretations on the value of life, though it may hurt to evaluate, guess that's the price I have to pay to let the truth be spoken..

vivre et laisser vivre

I can't begin to explain how I desperately want this holidays to never come to an end. I love being at home. I love it when mum wakes me up for fajr, I love the sweet smell of coffee early in the morning, I love to go back to bed to hear mum's nagging over and over again till it's midday, I love it when abah asks me for any laundry to be done, I love it when I argue with mum over channels on telly, I love it when I win, I love it when we call for peace on one Malay drama, I love it when the 2 little nephews and niece came, I love it when I can be the auntie they'll always have, I love being the little sister that heeds the rules of the needy one. I guess I just love being loved.

I know I'm spoiling myself for what I won't have for another term. And I don't mind that. Guess I'm an opportunist, big time.

I can't deny the fact that the holidays've been, by far, the craziest amongst the previous three. Something is in the water I must say. Other than the Israeli-Palestine-Lebanon crisis, Pak Lah vs Tun M, Dato' K & Siti Nur, the hazy KL, the legendary KJ; all of which my grandchildren or great grandchildren will ask for details come one day. My life is a bit like a song now. Or at least I wish it is. It makes me go la~la all day long. I guess I've entered the phase in life where I put hopes in the future. And it is best described in songs. Am not that old though, or I maybe am. Mentally. I need to get a grip, damnit!

Let me live my moments for just couple of weeks more. I won't ask for anything better than this once I'm back on solitude.

tired yet contented

People, friends.

I'm already back in Bangi for almost a week. How was Cambodia you must ask? To be honest I can't really answer that now. Stay tuned for the coming weeks/months (or perhaps years) for the answers. Why, u you ask again. Well, firstly, I've started my clinical elective in HUKM a day after I arrived KL. So tiredness prolonged. But I don't really mind that, it's what I've been planning to do since before anyway. Though it hasn't been too fruitful like what I've imagined it would be. U know sometimes I can be a bit too ambitious don't u. I don't mind the dissappointment now, maybe it'll come to me later. I'm just too tired to think about it.

I have a new hobby now. I think with time it'll turn into a huge passion for me. U know how passionate I can be if I'm into things.

And people, it has came to my mind that this will be the last summer holidays for me as a medical student. Next year if things work as planned (God's willing) you can find me blowing my head off working at wee hours in one of the nearest hospitals, or you can't if I decided to prolonged my stay in Dublin for extra money and extra stress in my life. Still deciding am I?

A little something from Cambodia, certainly one of my favourites. Enjoy.

Iman Sofea

I can't get enough of this baby, seriously.

Sofea was adopted by my sister when her biological mom left her at the hospital unwanted. She was so thin and weak when we first had her. Now alhamdulillah she has gained a lot of weights, just like any other Wans, truly. The house is filled with little cries again, Naqib has become the big brother you wished you'd have, everyone's so delighted by her presence.

Indeed, God's plan is the best. You'd be better off here with us. I promise I'd love you with all my mights.

signalling from home

Last time when I said I will see u guys from M'sia not very long from now, I din expect it to be 'this' long, seriously. So what had happened in the past month? Palestine and Lebanon hacked, Tsunami revisited West Java, Datuk K and Siti cleared the fog (as if I care that much), Italy won the World Cup, M'sia voted the 3rd rudest country by Readers Digest, a lot of friends are engaged and married yet I'm still the same old me.

Not quite hopefully.

Up till now the summer holidays've been serving me to the fullest. And I still think I could do better than this. Though I would like to extend my apology to my fellow SSP girls, I haven't been in contact with u girls since I got home. The mouth will utter excuses so I won't attempt to open it. I'll try to make it up to u on the reunion day if that's sufficient. My bad.

So I actually went to Brunei for a week with 4 other IMAM fellas to attend a forum on disaster relief. I learnt a lot from the conference about disaster management and stuff normal people would find uncool, hehe. I must thank the people from the Institute of Medicine, Univ Brunei Darussalam (UBD) for their kind hospitalities, from the students to the lecturers and the dean of medicine. Special thanks to Prof Kasule for the invitation to present the last trip to Acheh, I do hope my very short presentation had initiate the idea of students power amongst all those big shots in this disaster relief work.

Not too forget the friends I met in UBD who brought us around their tax free country of Brunei in their Merc Kompressor and BMW 3 series, I can't imagine a life of full tank of gas with just 10 dollar like theirs. I'll barely make out of Bangi with that much of money to fill in the tank of my small car. You guys are the best!

All in all, the single chance I had when I met our sisters in Brunei was the most rewarding moment I must say. It's good to meet people that tune in the same wavelength as yours, hearing their stories made me realize how little I've done all these while to contribute. The pearl of wisdom I took home with me from a sister was; usrah bagaikan nyawa bagi seorang da'ie. InshaAllah I'll try my best not to miss anymore usrahs.

Family-wise, there's a new baby in the family. Iman Sofea was adopted by my eldest sister when she was just few days old. We welcome you with all of our hearts and souls dear baby. At last, a baby girl in the family after the two heroes. I can't wait for next summer so that I can buy a lot of pink dresses for Sofea.

Next in line? Some people might've heard about this already. InshaAllah I'll be going to Cambodia with other IMAM friends next week. Another humanitarian mission, please make du'as for me and my playmates for our safe journey and return.

Semoga musafirku kali ini mengajarku lebih banyak tentang kehidupan.

this is Qalb 2

I think this might be one of the last entries before the holidays. No I'm not going home, yet. Yes the exam's still going on. It's the limitations; the time, the heartbroken, the mean of blogging as well- yes last day of wireless communications will be this Monday, then I am as good as before the broadband age, no string attached.

I am still sick, it's taking its course. I'm all purulent green if you wanna get into details. And I'm still homesick. And I'm heartbroken too. Not from the four lettered word you lovebirds out there, the world has got more to offer than just that. I learn that once we soak our feet into this business, there's trials and tribulations in front of us. "Orang yang sentiasa tidak salah ialah orang yang tidak berbuat apa-apa" quoting Ustaz. And at this point I appreciate the healing touch from the words of Allah SWT in the Quran, like the Prophet (S.A.W) used to find assurance and relief from his anxiety and sadness (94:6). May this trial makes me grow up a better person.

Nevertheless, I attained my BAO (Bachelor in Obstetrics & Gynaecology) yesterday. Yes the results were out at 4 pm. Alhamdulillah, out of my fever and sickness, I passed. My carry marks from the OSCE wasn't that strong so I struggled my best for my written and I did well, alhamdulillah. The final clinical oral pulled down the total marks a bit, but alhamdulillah, I still pass. That's my rezki on the plate after a hard days and nights work, and I'm grateful for what I got. At this point I treasure the true care of a friend whom I barely know since the beginning of the course. Not too forget the friends around me, and my family, especially my mom.

Speaking of mom, who learnt how to send an SMS just before my oral exam started coz she was worried that I was sick. Yes my mom who never before knew how to type an SMS, who let the kids manage the mobile and she only dials and hungs up. I was melted knowing the fact, and giggled sometimes at the funny words she sent just to cheer me up. That's mom, my comfort.

It is indeed a matter of the heart. One time we're happy the next second sad. Life is full of ups and downs.

Ibnu Rawaahah berkata kepada Abu Darda' (RA) sambil memegang tangannya, "Marilah beriman sejenak. Sesungguhnya hati lebih cepat berbolak balik daripada isi periuk yang menggelegak."

I don't suppose these will be my final words before the academic year ends, but if they are, then, many thanks for coming here every now and then, I apology if I ever said anything hurtful and inshaAllah I will see you in Malaysia, not very long from now.

Please pray for my other 3 subjects in the next 2 weeks, I will need your prayers with me.

this is Qalb

It is at this time of the month when everything suddenly goes the wrong way.

I am all hormonal
The room is messy
The final oral is on Thursday but I can't get my head into it
The doses of the medications are all ruined
I can't see the link between 150mg oral Ranitidine and twin labour
I miss my parents so much
I wanna call them but I don't have a calling card
I wanna go home badly
I have to get the laundry done
Oh God I hate doing laundry
Papers are all over me
My healthy diet is ruined
I cooked white sauce pasta from scratch and realized how much fat in it
I ate the pasta anyway cos it's delicious (self-complement)
I still can't believe how much butter they use to make that sauce
I will think twice next time I order spaghetti cacciatore in Verona
I started having sore throat last night
It's getting worse
I've ran out of medications
I don't wanna take the oral with a husky voice and a temperature
I have 50% chance of getting Prof Malone for my oral
He is not a very amusing gentleman
I am freaking out
And that overrides my efforts
I am now anxious
I have to run few errands for my clinical electives
No one's helping me when I asked for help
It actually saddens me
Got few text messages from people I met in Acheh
That kinda cheered me up a lil bit
At least someone still remember me
Oh I'm such a sad sad person

Praying for a better end of this mess.

a blessing in disguise?

As I am writing this entry, death tolls from the recently hit by quake Yogjakarta keeps on rising by minutes. The first thing that crossed my mind upon learning that news was, "MashaAllah, satu lagi ujian Allah pada hamba-Nya." Face of a friend that I know of who's reading medicine there emerged in my head, apa kabar dia dan kawan-kawannya agaknya..

It kinda saddens me thinking about the conditions of fellow Muslims around the world; the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the occupation of lands and dignities in Palestine and Chechnya, the occupation of the minds in lots of other Muslim countries (or any title they claimed to be). As if that's not enough, we had tsunami in Acheh and Sri Lanka, followed by the major earthquake in Pakistan, and now another trial from Allah SWT to test His servants; the recent quake in Java, which just opened up another possibilities of an eruption of Gunung Merapi later on, wa naudzubillahimindhaalik. And what about the chronic unfinished business in Sudan and other parts of Africa, and the silent tumours of Southern Thailand and Cambodia which are killing the Muslims there very slowly?

There's so much things happening I don't know where to start. How could someone so tiny (literally) and incapable like me offers any good when the world is falling towards a great imbalance of basically everything!

Hmmm.

But I also learnt that chances are nil if we only play a bystander role. Our ummah is haemorrhaging (read: bleeding profusely) and in dire need for our helps. Perhaps Allah SWT gives the Muslims all of these catastrophies to test how far other Muslims would go to offer help. Ingat kisah burung pipit yang nak tolong padamkan api yang dinyalakan Namrud untuk bakar Nabi Ibrahim A.S dengan menggunakan paruhnya? Burung lain tanya kenapa ko buat ni? Impossible la boleh padamkan..(that's my line..). Tapi si pipit tu kata, "Inilah usaha yang aku dah buat. Dapatlah aku menjawab bila Allah bertanya nanti, apa yang aku dah buat.."

That was a bird, of beak the size of lesser than a teaspoon. What about us? The complex being that has been given the responsibilities as khalifah cum servant in this world; of every details of deed and sin is written down each moments, what do we answer when Allah asks us later? Not only that we're not helping, we somehow contribute to the damages by our acts and ignorance, what more of the fatalities we've caused with our own hands!

Nonetheless, I've also learnt that it's never too late to repent. What's done is done, and there's a lot of opportunities to amend the damage. Help, by all means. When we're comfortably eating nasi lemak and teh tarik during one very fine morning, our brothers and sisters in Sudan are dying of hunger and thirts, and late at night when we slip into our warm duvets, the homeless kids in Palestine are dying of coldness and deprivations. There are a lot of non-profit organizations out there that offer the platforms to help. Here I give some of the main charity bodies that runs the appeals and works, with them soiling their feet in these messy yet inshaAllah rewarding business, the least we can do is donate and support right? Afterall, I remember one of the hadith which says,

“A Muslim is a brother of (another) Muslim, he neither wrongs him nor hand him over to one who does him wrong. If anyone fulfils his brother’s needs, Allah will fulfil his needs; if one relieves a Muslim of his troubles, Allah will relieve his troubles on the day of resurrection; and if anyone covers up a Muslim (his sins), Allah will cover him up (his sins) on the Resurrection Day.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Wah bestnye..

Please do help.

May Allah SWT help us back later.

retrospection

more reminiscence here..

duvet talk: antara usaha dan logik..

Once in the middle of an exam week I put my YM status as: "Ngantuknye, kopi ni tipuuuu..". Yep, that night my strong sugarless black coffee infusion didn't work on my system and I wonder why.

Not long after that accusative statement being put up I received a buzz from one of my adiks here, she gave me a huge ha-ha on that line and said how cute I was being (OK I add that myself). Before ending the conversation she simply said to me, "Takpe, K.Shu doa kat Allah mintak supaya tak ngantuk utk study ni OK!" I thought- how cute and naive she was being, it's like my 7 years old nephew Naqib always said on everything, "Takpe haaa nanti Acu doa je kat Allah mintak Dia kasi Acu duit banyak, lepas tu boleh belikan Akib light saber!" Although he definitely got the wrong concept of growing money out of nothingness, the pure concept of submission unto God The Almighty on everything that he has in his mind is something I have sometimes overlooked and taken for granted.

Logic serves; u drink coffee and the caffeine increases your metabolisms and makes your heart works harder to pump more blood to your brain. Logically and normally in a healthy being, you should NOT feel sleepy after caffeine ingestions, right? Hey I have friends who would be elated and smiling and talking all day long after drinking a can of coke, like I said, in a normal subject caffeine makes one hyper-everything. So why was I still sleepy that night?

Let's look at a different case. Logically, when a person gives out his/her 100% efforts to surpass an ordeal to reach a certain target, he/she should get what he/she's aiming for in the end. Because he/she has really worked in according to what it takes to achieve. That's LOGIC. But sometimes people still fails despite their great efforts. Betul tak?

Why?

Coz human tends to forget that there's another Power out there ruling what's reachable and unreachable, what we think logic and illogic and what's likable and despicable; He who rules everything.

Coffee will make you sleepy if He wants to, and you will eventually fail at your best efforts if He doesn't allow you to achieve. What's logical suddenly seemed illogical in His controls, and that's something we should put our faith in. That's why scientists who depend on logics solely can go crazy if their findings oppose what they always thought as logic or should be-. The emergence of many school of sciences demands people to use more logics to think;

jika, A = Hairol

dan, B = Nasi Goreng Ayam Berlada

apabila A memakan B,

maka = logiklah A akan kenyang dan B akan hilang

dan = tak logik A akan bertambah lapar dan B akan berganda menjadi dua set

(typical la ilmu penaakulan yg kita belajar kat sekolah menengah dulu);

I don't blame this teaching at all in fact I think it's great, but holding on too tightly on logics in great imbalance can lead to excess that abandons us to realize that there's Allah the Almighty, the One who controls the world and its lives and deaths. That's why people commits suicide when their million dollar worth of investments on a project that was growing finely suddenly collapsed.

Coz they don't know that maybe Allah makes them lost their great worldly investments to clear their sins so that in the hereafter they don't have to carry the carcasses of riba', or maybe Allah makes them feel sleepy after a cup of coffee to prevent them from staying up late and didn't wake up for fajr prayer the next morning, maybe Allah fails them the first time so they could learn and grow out of their failures to become a better achiever later.

It all comes back to the concept of working purely for the sake of Allah SWT, or my friend used to say in layman's term, "usaha lebih penting, end results Allah yang tentukan.." We will be rewarded for the work and efforts we do in order to achieve, and if we win the trophy at the end of it that's a bonus for us. Winning is not justified by looking at the end product of our works, coz the destiny of our lives has all been written by Allah SWT; be it good or bad we don't know. Our duty is to work the journey towards what's destined for us in the most humble and sincere submission to Him, and with that comes the greatest rewards we can attain for the life in the hereafter.

We won't know what'll be served on our plate later, but if we don't work hard to earn the food from the very beginning then what options do we have other than not eating? In opposite sometimes people gets 'lucky' and eats eventually, but won't the food taste better if we earn every single spoon of it? (It's a really nice morning and I decided to use metaphores). And verily, the luckiest person in the world is the one who is grateful on whatever food Allah has given on his/her plate after he/she has put the best efforts to earn the food; be it tasty or bland. Period.

So I'll keep drinking my black coffee and trying my best to stay awake, and I will make du'a to Allah to grant me bright eyes (and heart), but I know in the end it's Him that'll decide whether I shall be awake or asleep. That's me, people of faith and science, inshaAllah.

Cukuplah Allah kuandalkan hidupku dan matiku.

awan dan aku

Hari ni aku lihat awan hitam berat berarak sepanjang hari. Tak hujan, walaupun tanda-tandanya sudah cukup syarat. Hari ni hati aku berat macam awan hitam. Semalam hujan turun dan segala yang terpendam dalam hati mengalir macam air hujan. Mungkin hujan perlu turun untuk hati aku lega kembali. Mungkin kerana hari ini Garfield tak datang ke tingkap bilik aku jadi kesepian lalu sedih.

Ah aku terlalu kompleks untuk disandarkan pergantunganku pada kucing oren itu.

Mungkin aku duduk tengok awan lama sangat. Mungkin..


9 Asas kefahaman seorang muslim

1) DASAR

Dasar kehidupan seorang muslim ialah berusaha untuk menegakkan agama Allah (ISLAM) di muka bumi.

2) RUJUKAN

Menjadikan Al-Quran sebagai sumber pedoman diikuti hadis/sunnah

3) TUJUAN HIDUP

Kehidupan seorang muslim adalah semata-mata untuk mendapatkan redha Allah s. w. t. Menjadikan diri sebagai seorang hamba yang betul-betul taat kepadaNya.

4) TUGAS KITA

Kerja harian kita adalah menyempurnakan perhambaan diri kepada Allah s. w. t dengan cara yang digariskan oleh Al-Quran dan sunnah Rasulullah s. a. w

5) FUNGSI

Pertama ; menegakkan cara hidup berteraskan agama Allah (ISLAM) dan penghayatan pengabdian kepadaNya ; dan mendirikan pentadbiran dunia yang berteraskan kepada agama Allah (ISLAM).

Kedua ; Meneruskan perjuangan yang dimulakan oleh Rasulullah dan para sahabat.

6) ALAT

Pertama ; Harta - ikhlas dalam mengorbankan harta benda, wang dan sebagainya semata- mata untuk melaksanakan tujuan hidup, tugas dan fungsi.

Kedua ; Nyawa - sanggup menggadaikan nyawa untuk kepentingan agama Allah

7) MODEL CONTOH

Seorang muslim wajib menjadikan Rasulullah sebagai contoh hidup. Dan juga para sahabat yang menggunakan manhaj nubuwwah sebagai asas kehidupan mereka.

8) KENALI KAWAN

Pertama ; suami isteri yang saling memahami.

Kedua ; seluruh umat Islam, dan meyakini bahawa umat Islam yang berbagai bangsa dan keturunan adalah satu keluarga yang berasal daripada Adam dan Hawa.

9) KENALI MUSUH

Pertama ; Iblis dan syaitan

Kedua ; Manusia yang mempunyai ciri-ciri syaitan.