sayo~

So I finally came to the last day of work in BH. Couple of hugs and tied up some loose ends. Here we go, sayonara.

Working in a big hospital has certainly taken so much out of me, both in good and bad ways. Let me see, after 6 months the hospital has taken away 5-8 kg of my weight, gave me a pair of racoon eyes and ruined biological clock. I have certainly developed resistance against a human strain called nurses with quick antidotes of hot nice staffs, hot mostly. I came home wrecked everyday and after 6 months I've eaten all sorts of vegetarian dishes and fishes I ever did my whole life. Here's the best one to sum the daily to-do list.

But to be honest it has been an exciting 6 months really. To put it simply, I was lucky I had some great things going on in the middle of the long arduous working hours, that I can actually hold in my hands as compensative measures. Things like, great boss, great teammates, research opportunities, direct learning, case and journal presentations (OK nerdy). They've been great really.

So I will miss this place for the good things, big time. Thinking back I've been here for longer than I thought. Starting the 3rd year of medical school, my bosses were the ones who once taught me and the ones I've always looked up to when I was a student. I know I'll be back for few days once in a while in future (research again), but to work here again is something still uncertain. Considering my options in future career pathway that is.

On the new year greeting card I received from my other boss it says,

"BH loss will be OLLH gain.."

He's very nice indeed.

Also with that I received another $$$ gift voucher. Looks like there's gonna be some serious new year's shopping spree going on. Ka-chingggg.....

Fair

Except it's not even summer yet.

When I was sure you'd follow through,
My world was turned to blue.

When you'd hide
your songs would die,
so I'd hide yours with mine.

And all my words were bound to fall.
I know you won't fail...

see, I can tell...

P/S: Izakusha, I'm sorry I abandoned your calls over the windows (the fact that you called when I was asleep). I need you for the quick therapy..

celebrations & holidays

First of all, Selamat Hari Raya AidilAdha dear readers.

My raya was fine, on the night of raya eve I was browsing through some old raya pictures when suddenly the urge to cook some traditional dishes came. Mind you, after like months of hiatus from the kitchen that is. I'm amazed at myself how did I survive on tuna, serunding, maggi goreng Mawi (haha), cereals and junks all these while. So raya was spent with an early leave from the hospital, eating my own nasi minyak and rendang, and a visit to friends' place.

Maaf Zahir & Batin all.

Merry X'mas and Happy Holidays too.

You could almost smell the strong holidays atmosphere lingering around the hospital. Everyone's in a cheery mood, some felt pressurized by the system pushed on the holidays mode (including yours truly) but everything seems to ease off today. Technically it's the last day for most people coz x'mas falls on the Tuesday and a lot of of people would be off on Monday. I got a x'mas present from Prof H and my old Big Boss in a form of $$$ (voucher). Ka-ching! (bunyi duit bertaburan di gedung membeli belah). I love them unconditionally.

I'm starting to feel the drift of going to the new hospital in January. I must say that I'm very much comfortable with respiratory medicine already that I hate the idea of changing. I love the team (I love being the baby of the team that they protect and teach me so much), I love the boss, I love the usual conversations and bitching about the nurses and staffs. But as much as I do, I know I needed the change for good reasons. Primarily being the requirement for the medical council is doing the surgical rotations. Secondly I think I'm getting enough of this hospital already, yep, though as much as I love my team..

Prof H said to me in his last ward round today (writing this here so I can go back one day and read them),

"Thank you very much Wan, I really appreciate all of your helps. I think you did very well and you're very committed to your jobs. Thank you again.."

I answered with some brief sentence of "Not at all Prof. I learnt a lot being in this team". Mainly because words just stuck deep in my throat from sadness of leaving, and secondly I'm afraid if I said more I'd cry, that's in front of my boss, my registrar, my SHO and the 2 medical students..malu siut..

But now I really feel like crying. That's because everyone's gone home and I'm stuck working tonight. Crap.

it's about time (for everything to happen)

I went out for coffee and dinner in town when I realized it was quite late to return to my far away home. So I decided to crash in the usual place at the neighbourhood I used to live for 3 years during the student's life. I was heading towards the place when I saw a familiar figure from afar. Garfield?! So I shouted his name and it was knee-jerk reflex he came running to me. I mishhh youuuu....odd enough he was running back and forth to me and towards my old place with that white door. Obviously he remembers me..aaaawwwWw..


This week has been MENTAL. 5 months of internship I have never been in such frustrations, anger and madness. I finally have reached the limit, the boiling point where things started to surface. I realized I was being very nice, em too nice to many group of people but got shites in return.

Never in my life I swore in vulgarity so much, my colleagues started to question the nice Wan who seemed to have gone. Thursday was painstaking, everything started coming up to the nose level. That night I was on-call and there was a cardiac arrest. I did the last compression before we called it. She didn't make it. The registrar was brilliant, but somehow I was terribly affected by the incident. Friday morning my kind SHO asked the queasy look. Wrong move. It was like poking a balloon full of water with a needle, I burst out in tears. Ah you know when you're feeling awful and people acknowledge, you simply can't help it..

I don't know for how long I can bear this bollocks anymore. It's really getting into my skin now..

Speaking of which, I finally came to another crossroads, again. Being an indecisive person is terrible. I can't make a straight call. I'd love to care less and proceed, but I'd be lying to my heart. I don't know..

of work (again)

I've just started my job with Prof Horatio's team again. Upon seeing me today he said, "Welcome back, Wan. Glad to have you back with us." OK I think I blushed a bit. Heee~ (terbang ke angkasa lepas).

To be honest, guys don't need to be essentially good looking to be attractive. Like Prof H. (OK he's my boss and I know my limit). But the vast knowledge and the brilliant sarcasm he contained in him, gawd. Plus he has the greatest charm when connecting with people.

Last week he gave a presentation in the medical grand round about NIPPV. (He's the NIPPV guy in the hospital, big time). After 30 minutes of a very comprehensive presentation, the floor was opened for questions. One of the gastro-enterology consultants (an author of a famous concise textbook we use as a medical student too) raised his hand and asked.

"I know how unpleasant the NIPPV mask can be on the patients. Have you tried using the mask with the machine on yourself Prof H?"

He answered.

"Have you tried the colonoscopy yourself Dr P?"

OK the floor was burst with laughters. I know I know he's brilliant.

a guy on NIPPV

Colonoscopy

I have been in a very dry state lately. Dehydrated from not having the time to drink water. How ridiculous was that, everyone thought. It's true though, my upper lip is badly cracked from dehydration and now very red and sore. Sometimes I think I look like someone who has herpes.

There's a (very hot) psychiatric registrar in the hospital. Yep the tall and scruffy curly hair German guy. Today we sent a consult to his team when one of our patients with newly diagnosed lung cancer was expressing a very strong suicidal ideation in her conversations. I saw him in the ward at noon just after he finished reviewing the patient. He called me for a discussion, and me, with my herpes lips went to him and had a one-on-one lengthy talk about the patient. Yep with my red cracked half blown upper lip. Hideous. There goes my chance. Not that I have any...

OK later I found out that he's already married to an Aussie chick. (Harapan pecah berderai).

here comes the day

You got me right. I turned 24 yesterday, though everyone in the ward said they thought I was 21 at age still. I replied, "Thanks to MAC foundation you cannot see my fine lines in the face."

It felt different this year. For a start I didn't even think about my birthday enough because of the tight work schedule. Then I had my first birthday song which was sang by a bunch of nurses with the ward sister handling a jar of sweets to me right after. Then going home as if nothing had happened. I miss the usual supposed-to-be-surprised-birthday-surprise which would be annually arranged by my old mates. Thanks to the present mates, I could still cheerish the birthday moments with the right people.

Just for something different today, let's recall the previous birthday entries in this blogging arena.

2nd Year. The first year blogging. Yep the year of bad english, poor sentence arrangements, all in a day journal thingy going on. Oh we all started somewhere there didn't we? Not that I've became THAT good now anyway..

3rd Year. I remember clearly that year somehow I felt really old. 21 OK. Now I'm supposed to feel even older technically speaking. Still, poor English and bad train of thoughts that one.

4th year. I was in Navan at that time. Nice bed & breakfast, great peripheral rotation, interesting bunch of people, great experience.

Final year. More like it that year. Simpler and more matured arrangements. Matured eh? Poyo kot..he he..

Did I seem to grow these past 5 years? You be the judge.

Though I didn't get big presents like the previous years, I'm still grateful for another year experiencing birthday with friends like this when I thought I have none anymore when they all went home (OK emo sikit). But mostly my gratitudes are for Allah SWT for another wonderful year of life, which at the 24th year I have managed to realize one of my childhood ambitions. The arrangement was like this all along;

Cita-cita Shuhada

1. Doctor
2. Surirumah

Alhamdulillah I hit number one. Thank you Allah. I promise this won't be the end. I have a long way to go, guide me through please.

I have actually promised to treat myself with something this time. Moderately, as it supposed to be. Instead, sometimes things can be so out of hands. Especially when it comes to me and the best creation on earth - shoes. So today I accidentally bought few pairs of shoes, err I mean, 4 pairs of shoes. (Lari menyorok bawah duvet). I don't know should I blame the impulse or the crazy birthday justification. Both I think.

OK yg hitam tu from M'sia. Sini mana ada Vincci. He he.. (another pair not in picture)

I also spent the morning after celebration at the quay's near Dublin port. It was serene beautiful. Freezing cold though. I couldn't feel my fingers and toes at one point, and I swear I won't even realized if my hingus were trickling down the nostrils. That cold. I went with blades, 2 lenses and these people.

Asian roller-blade team

Naah, they're just a bunch of final meds with good interests.

Thanking everyone for another year, another wishes, another thoughts and another dreams..

jalan terus

OK video minggu ini pastilah.



Semoga aku berupaya menghapus jejakmu. OK jiwang ferum oksida (karat).

So I am 100% back to the usual life of a junior doctor. Yep the one that revolves around CT scans, bloods, and sometimes good looking doctors and staffs. My return this time was greeted by a patient's lists of one full A4 sized paper. Overloading. So I started doing the jobs blindly, ordering this and that, discussing this and that. Have to sort them all and yep, got them all sorted, again, blindly. No time to even go through the proper history why they were admitted at the first place. Oh well..

The most interesting thing I saw today was legs swelling, that one can never imagine how grossly enormous they could be. Massive, all fluid filled. Poor lady in pain.

And today is dad's 59th birthday. I send prayers that Allah swt grant him health and wealth all along, herein and hereafter. Abah went highs and lows to make sure his children became what they are now. There were difficult times, and having the daughter so grumpy, demanding, difficult but cute like myself is not helping. Aah now is the payback time you say. So for that I'm attributing whatever my life now is to him. What would I be without you dad..

me amor, mucho ti amor

IzaKusha spotted me on the dot upon stepping foot at home. We simply connect. She showed me this.

We WILL live happily ever after my friend, soon InshaAllah. It's been more than 10 years, we SO feel each other.


I'm just recuperating from Italia. The house is upside down, and I have loads to do on my list. I mean really, LOADS. Everything feels so cold outside the room. OK pecah rahsia tak mandi lagi.

Back to friggin' reality.

Venezia, Italy

i'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes, listen to my voice, it's my disguise, i'm by your side..

I was almost certain I sang that Delilah song in my head while I was writing the medical notes at the desk when one of the doctors there suddenly started following my tunes. Erkk. I turned my head up and there he was smiling away. That Delilah song is seriously haunted. This could be very cliche or I could just possibly be hallucinating post-call.

Moral of the story is not to use the song as your alarm tone in the morning OK. Especially when you're on-call.

We have one patient who was admitted with severe CO2 narcosis with initial pH on the ABG of 7.19 (severe acidosis). He was refusing treatment while trash talking to the SHO, who apparently lost his coolness and started pointing out the fact that he might well be dead if he didn't start using the NIPPV machine right away. So he did. And the blood pH and CO2 recovered.

Today the night staff reported that he was refusing the machine again. We spoke to him, literally had to bargain about his life-threatening actions. After few different chats with him and the family, we came to conclude that he wanted comfort measures with minimal interventions. That means he can refuse treatment as he wishes and we'll respect that decision.

I went to do a repeat ABG on him. He was zonked, I'd say from the accumulating CO2 in the blood. Literally had his eyes rolled up and arms twitching and flapping intermittently. I was talking through to him while poking the needle in, not sure he listened. Before I left I heard he said, "Say your prayers to Allah for me please." I halted, not sure I was listening correctly. "Pardon me?" And he repeated the same words.

The last time somebody said that to me was Mr Smith. And he died not long after. Man..

I'm wrecked, homeless and lost

What are the odds of having the unexpected things happening in one day?

It started with the painful workloads from carrying 3 bleeps --> there were no senior doctors in the respiratory team to manage the patient who blew up like a Michelin man from SVCO --> the iced cold weather made me couldn't breathe --> the thousands of discharge letters on demands --> realizing the keys to the apartment has been left somewhere at the workplace --> then the battery of the mobile phone went dead altogether.

Lucky there's still friends whom one can crash place into.

Michelin man OK

The fact is I miss home so much. And I cannot do anything about it tonight. The pin number for the phone card is in the dead mobile phone. Great. It's shameful how incapacitated human can be without simple technology. Maybe I should start training doves to be my messengers.

At this pace, life is so frustrating it's unbearable. Mostly from being busy and its consequences. And being lonely. And being busy too. And I wonder if karma is playing me cause I can really feel the jinx now.

I pray to God the Almighty to forgive me..

connecting at 3 degrees Celsius

It has been extremely extremely busy I wanna scream.

"AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". (muka dlm bantal).

There.

Winter's coming over, so all already bad lungs in the world would go worst in these cold days, hence why the list of patients has been actively expanding. In fact it was so hectic that once I got home I felt terribly lonely from doing nothing. So today I stayed over with the on-call team just to have dinner with them. THAT lonely. I was later sent home by one of them. I'm lonely but not in love with the hospital OK.

Living alone like this, I realized one of the essentials in life would be good companies. No matter where you'd be thrown to, with great people around it'll somehow get you through things. I've had great companions before, and still do, thought I've lost some, I'm still grateful for whoever's still here for me. I'd kill myself from depression if not for you. OK I won't actually.

So thank you to the chinese x-ray lady who've been helping me finding my lost x-ray films, to the patient who said my crooked un-ironed tudung was lovely today, to the bitchy nurse in the ward who made me having a great time bitching about you back with my colleagues (you bitch I bitch, whatever), to the physiotherapist who'd passed for the next Superman's role (why did you wear contact lenses and became more delicious, why?), to Nikon and Sony for having Korean food with me the starving intern, to my cool teammate who kept checking things on me while he was on leave, to Prof Horatio for just being Prof Horatio (sighing out loud) - I simply owe you big time for helping me going through things, directly or indirectly.

Not forgetting my dear family and friends at home whose supports and love have been overflowing, to Majlis Amanah Rakyat for sponsoring my life here the past 5 years and allowing me to stay over to work, to all Malaysians in general, go boleh-land!

This has been more like an award-winning speech and way too damn emotional..

the Saturday well-planned

How have you guys been?

I have been extremely busy in honesty. No it was actually the work which has been extremely busy, and I'm just sucked into it. I have developed some kinda acclimatisation towards the busy lifestyle. For an instance there's an indentation from my bum on the 2 seater couch at my lounge where I fell asleep every night coming back from a long day a work. You'd imagine my bed is still tenderly untouched since I started working this time around. Thank God for mum's home-made rendang, I have lost my touche of idea on how to turn instant noodle into something more palatable.

My team was on-take on Thursday with both the registrar and SHO away the day after. So you'd imagine only us the 2 interns in the team running around to manage the new patients with all sorts of illnesses in the world.

On Saturday I was planning to renew my visa here so I woke up really early for that. Walking out to the bus stop, I saw the bus coming from afar when I was approximately 200 meters away. So in my slightly uncomfortable shoes (beauty is pain), I, with all my might, ran my life away to catch the bus coz it'll only be at least 15 minutes after that another bus would come. Here's the rough illustration of what happened.



So in my poor scale drawing, you can see the traffic lights there which helped me by putting out the red light at the correct time. I would go and kiss you if I wasn't running for my bus. Then there were my coins for the bus which flew out gracefully from my coat's pocket when I was intensely running. And as I came closer to the bus stop, I noticed there was this one old lady who was walking while pushing her trolley of stuff just at the roadside. She suddenly stopped walking and parked her trolley while cheering out for me "Run girl, run! You'll catch the bus if you keep running!". OK Aunty, do u see what am I doing now? Don't worry I didn't say that, I was busy controlling my breathing so I'd look like someone who's used to sprint out like that. Yeah like the one in the olympics. I smiled at her though, I'm not that cruel. So yeah, I managed to catch the bus just on time. **huffing & puffing**

So that was me on Saturday. Another incident happened at the immigration office. I'd love to put an illustration on it but afraid I might be caught by the local officer for my suspicious immigration building drawing plan. Ah you know these people these days..

On-call tomorrow..eurghh..

my best

Dear Girls,

I haven't been so happy in my life for as long as I could remember it (most of the good memories have been repressed by the ugly life of a junior doctor). Thanks to you girls, I have something to smile again now come to think about. For such a short meeting, I realized though we haven't met for a long time, we never really have lost the closeness. I knew instantly that I can just blurt out my life stories irrelevantly believing you'd be the troops I can always count on.

Thank you for making the afternoon such a memorable one, thanks for the text messages and phone calls. Love you girls to bits.

*without Shawn & Kuzhai

OK, special thanks to

1. Tok kadi for the special charity photoshoot, for allowing us to violate your copyright, and mostly thanks for being the instant step up mock partner one can ever get.

2. Iza for making me believing in such a controversial statement - sape2 pun mampu buat telepathy, kalau cukup tenaga batin.. I came to Dublin with 2 large packets of Pearl Cafe..ha ha..

3. Kakak baik hati for sending me off to KLIA.

Sayonara. Until we meet again.


I will be back to the mortifying life of a junior doctor tomorrow. I'm dreading every single thought of it, urghh..

photos galore: Syawal 1428H

bunga api malam raya

K.Rina, Naqib, Ayep

empty arwah nenek's house filled in again on hari raya

Adik & Naqib playing macho

rumah puan sambal udang

my signature pineapple products

old granny's stairs

big sis on kenduri

cousins, in-laws, sisters

finally anyam ketupat after long years of ketupat adabi

we call this familial resemblance

rainy raya day

that was just Naqib playing retarded

Aya et moi - Selamat Hari Raya all!

raya this year

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri & Maaf Zahir Batin.

This year's raya celebration has been, by far, the best one I've ever had. 5 years is indeed a very long time. After 2 days spending raya in kampung, I realized how much I've missed being away from home all these while; too much.

Raya celebration brings a whole lot of new perspectives when it occurs at the right place.

1) Kuah kacang tasted super delicious with belimbing buluh added in it, and having the chance to taste the original sambal udang again after such a looooong time is just tears-dropping.

2) It's amazing how one can stand the hot weather, even in the old granny's house with zinc roof - although it felt like being in a green house honestly.

3) Waking up to a morning served with simply the best in the world cekodok ikan bilis and rendang tok is totally something to die for (and waking up again for the same).

4) People really grow. At one point you've lost count and trace of who's who.

5) It's like a search for the best kuih raya award each time. After going through few elimination rounds, I've finally found the most perfect, the one that stood on its own, simply the best, kuih mazolla one can ever get. Hehe..

6) "Traap..traap..traap.." says the rain on the tin roof.

7) Here getting ill is a total bliss. Other than having to bear the sickness, there shall be overflowing of love.

8) It's funny how the same stairs the whole lot of us used to sit on, now can only fill less than half the number.

9) Raya at kampung is so amazing; you wouldn't mind going raya around in selipar jepun not to stained proper shoes from mud poodles, and sacrificing the silk baju kurung sleeves reaching out for original rendang ayam kampung.

On another note, for years and years I haven't been receiving duit raya, by the time I realized about it, I am now giving one. It's just amazing how a simple blue note can bring a lot of joy to the little ones receiving them, when you spent hundreds and hundreds of them on a single use on make-ups that you'd barely use. How odd.

Nonetheless, salam aidilfitri to all..

pulanglah di hari raya..

In tally with the climate, here's to emphasize the sappy raya mood evenmore.

I spent the weekend contemplating, and something came up short after. I realized I should give myself a chance this time. It looks brighter on the other end. (Praying hard). I know it's about time to start dreaming again.

Nonetheless, Eid Mubarak to my dear readers, friends, everyone. I sincerely ask forgiveness for all my wrongdoings throughout the years.

Hope you have a wonderful Eid celebration!

See you at home!! *smiling from ear to ear*

stitching bits and bobs

OK listening to lagu raya early in the morning is a baaadd idea..

One day on the way home on the radio it played the dream interpretations by some dream reader guy. I thought, how ridiculous was that. One lady was asking the guy to interpret her dream of catching her partner sleeping with her friend. What the..

Then I realized, I haven't had any dreams in my sleep for a long time. I mean, never. They just disappeared. I should start dreaming again. Good dreams now. Nightmare season has passed (exam season).

At present most of our patients are in needing of surgical consults. One guy admitted with chest pain after a fall. Just when we're about to discharge him we found out that his aortic aneurysm has been expanding. A lady with recurrent falls and weakness in her legs had her MRI showing severe cervical canal stenosis. The young cystic fibrosis patient with worsening radiculopathic symptoms had a foramen magnum decompression surgery, and scheduled for a permanent surgical stitch removal on his rectum next. Emm..

Having to deal with those, I realized that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to comprehend and deal with most surgeons. If you can bear the yelling then you're OK. They acted like they're the BUSIEST and most IMPORTANT person in the whole wide world. I'm not generalizing, but sometimes you get frustrated and fed up with some that you can't help it but to generalize.

I watched this going home after a bad day experiencing surgeons. Definitely made my evening. Of note, here there's no rivals between interns. We love each other so much.



We have come to the final nights of the holy month. Shamefully this year has been the worst record of my scale of amal. I don't know I'd pass to even celebrate eid. Shame on me..

jalan terus

My heart aches as I read this on my mobile, over and over again.

I can safely say that it's been an honour to work with a kind, trustworthy & sincere person such as yourself. It's been immense! You'll make a fantastic paediatrician.

I haven't been in my best state this week. There's a major switchover of the team members - I'm still here. Most people (but not the boss) suggested that I should go home at noon today. Smiling back, no thanks. Who's left to deal with the CT scan, endoscopy, consult requests? Though my stomach was weak and queasy, the face almost blown off from sneezing, I embraced the day. Blame the norovirus outbreak. Alas, the show must go on..

I'm patiently waiting for next week. It seems so far away. (I need to get away from these bollocks immediately, I'd die if I don't)

terima kasih tummy trim..!! setelah menggunakan produk ini, saya..(sambung sendiri)

I was handling the shirt to be paid at the till in X shop, when the girl at the counter asked me,

"Do you bring your student card with you? We have 10% discount for students."

I smiled back at her, reasons because

1. I got 10% discount on the shirt. But most importantly,
2. I don't have to start thinking about the anti-wrinkle products, not as yet!

Ngehee..*sengih*

the end of a quarter

Last Friday marked the full first quarter of the journey as an intern. And also entering the second half of madrasah Ramadhan. Man time really flies.

Words travelled about the intern evaluations done by the intern tutor; where we were graded by our dear consultants, asked for feedbacks and discussed on future directions. Some can proudly smile coming out of the room, some were just numbed. Myself, I can safely say that it's been an honor working with the two prominent Profs.

It has been a little emotional lately. The new team exhibited intense negative force which sometimes seemed unbearable. Though not directly projected towards me (and nothing to do with me), the tensed and sour environment I was in most of the time turned me into this kinda - unhappy - person at work. It reached its peak on Friday when the joined Consultant handed me my SHO's bleep. Yep he's gone from the team, going to a different hospital and we'll be getting a new SHO starting Monday. I was dumbfounded. I wish I had given my testimony prudently to support him. I will surely miss his presence come Monday.

Here professionalism works in line with the system. A little glitch will be fixed, and there's always a way out in a civilized manner. But still, it'll be better if it didn't happen at a first place. Now that I'm getting a new SHO. I can be resistant to changes sometimes if you don't know..

It kinda suck. But the good thing is I'll be gone in a week's time for my annual leave. My mind will be at ease for the 2 weeks. And this whole phenomenon really supports my previous theory - your beauty really glows when you're a lot nicer to people believe me.

Ah hospital politics again..

esok hari keje lagi

He he. Thanks Sher. U made my night.

Few of the cystic fibrosis patients were discharged today. I was a bit sad. Attached again, wrong move. It's just that they're so young and has been through a lot.

One guy in particular has the bad end of the disease, being in and out of the hospital all the times despite being very compliant to treatments. Boy he was bored, he started making stories to the medical students I sent to speak to him about smoking heroin/marijuana, and one time 'confessed' to my SHO that he has only one testicle. The SHO, being him, took his words without a doubt. I was cracked knowing the stories later on.

I have a confession to make too.

At this moment, next 2 weeks, guess where I'd be?




HOME.


Sweet..

ah, post-call state this is

Do you have a boyfriend?
No, good friends.
Well then I don't know what he's doing not proposing you. He's missing something great.

Not my conversation don't worry.

This was mine.

You're very lovely.
Ah thanks, you're being nice.
No I mean it anytime.

When you hear this from a stranger in the middle of the night; after been working more than 20 hours, in your sloppiest state (eye bags, skewed tudung, scrub suit), it just left you in great sublimity. Make sure you're not hallucinating though.

I learned a lot from my patients. At present we have 3 patients with lung cancer. One of them held my hand today and asked, how long does he have more to live? What do I say? What would you say? Another one deteriorated badly after thefirst session of radiotherapy. As if something's gonna happen, she was holding tears when she said her biggest thanks to the team for taking care of her since admission.

Another lady I met in the endoscopy suite while preparing her for bronchoscopy. She was the happiest person I've ever met going for the procedure. She whispered to me about 'the shadow' Prof found on her chest x-ray, hence the bronchoscopy today. Her children asked what was it about. She answered it's nothing, and she'd be fine. I made a joke about the possibility of her being in denial state. She said, yeah, but she'll fight whatsoever.

So much for the school of life.

cuti

My first day off since I started working 2 and 1/2 months ago. It feels so good to go back to bed and wake up late on a Friday morning. Man I almost forgot how it feels like!

The weather has started to get colder. I used to leave the window open for some fresh air in the room, now I barely can do anything from shivering if I do so. Yesterday for the first time we turned on the heater in the house. I thought I could bear the cold after 5 cycles of Irish winter, clearly I don't know myself that much. Geez I miss home.

Here's Doraemon for you. Enjoy! (I certainly did). I'm thinking of making something sweet and homey. Probably kuih ketayap or onde-onde. I don't know.



(The fact is I want mommy! I'm such a lazy ass..)

selamat berpuasa, minta maaf ye..

Ramadhan Mubarak everyone!

I started the month back in my old team. Just when my heart has fallen into the new team fully, I have to restart things all over again. It's hard, the dynamic of team somehow feels a bit off. Nonetheless, who am I to complaint. Dah kuli kan..

Luckily there are friends for quick comfort measures. Probably one of those blessings in disguise..

Doing on-call when you're fasting is way too challenging. At the end of the night when my sugar's a bit low (from just breaking the fast with water and nothing else) and my temper's gone elsewhere but with me (too tired to be mad), I uttered the words to my colleague - You're either gonna die young having a sexually transmitted disease, or being the 1st medical intern on-call tonight - I was exaggerating though.

I made a promise to myself to stop looking at those cute things on the wards, OK to be exact those tall and tanned scruffy curly hair thing with cute accent. MashaAllah, jaga mata..

The other part of coming out from a difficult situation i.e a tough night on-call, the pressuring team members, etc - is the treat for self-reward. I remember spending more than 50bucks on stupid sundries in the hypermart after having a tough day. And coming home feeling even worse when thinking about the money stupidly spent. You know one of those gratification that works in a mysterious way when you're reaching out on the stuff displayed on the shelves. Women, haish..

This time on-call I bought myself the real reward I've been waiting for. As for now as long as I smell like amber and rose, I'm a one happy miserable intern..

So hope you guys have a blessed Ramadhan. InshaAllah we'll work our way through this, hopefully it'll be one of the best months we've had.

a little love on the toast

Happy weekend.

I'm a little distraught by the fact that friendster is displaying wedding photos like a catalogue. I don't know how should I react towards them. Panicked? Pressured? Happy? Inspired? Yeah inspired probably. (Yer right..)

Congratulations and the best of luck to another batch of Irish graduates to start working next week. I really miss you guys I do!

Sunday has always been very slow and a lot of thoughts put on it. I realized I should stop watching Asian dramas on love stories, sad ending love, heartbroken lover, short lasting marriage; the negativities just put the mood on the low side really.

Mom's wisdoms counter react with everything, so I managed to kick the duvet out and woke up to another Sunday. Hence the love on the toast~

Tomorrow's another day. Let's just forget about it for the moment and enjoy Sunday..

so I heard it's coming

It's gonna be Ramadhan next week. One of my colleagues asked about it and put on a pity-you intonation on to it with - owh is it really, I don't know how are you gonna survive - and later surprised when I answered - I'm actually really looking forward to the month - with my honest and no-single-doubt expression on to it.

The fact is I am really honestly. It's just that the year has been long, and a weak being like me who sometimes loses touch on the continuity of my amal needs a good month to remind me to rejuvenate my weaken imaan, before it's too late I supposed.

I still remember clearly the past Ramadhan spent here. One of the best things I would miss this year would be praying tarawikh with my housemates. We would take turns to lead the prayers, on some days when the tummies were full from overeating and the eyes were too heavy, we would remind each other about the wrong verses recited. After that we would go into our rooms and started reading the Quran. It was like a race with time, a month was too short for the 30 juzk and being females, well you know the story. So imagine the final nights of the month when everyone's catching up with the lagged juzk, you could hear from the lounge the tranquility of silence broken by some slow voices of verses from the Quran being recited. So peaceful.

As with last year, I got a special delivery of dates (tamar) from an Arab friend, this year even before Ramadhan. Simply one of the best bunch I've ever had, just because they're picked and given to me fresh from the trees.

I had dreams that this year I'd spend Ramadhan at home, after years being away. In my dreams mom served me warm milk with dates for suhoor, and we'd still be around the table though half-asleep and not eating. Breakfasting would be colourful and varieties, mostly on drinks. My sisters and I would follow mum and dad to the mosque for tarawikh. Oh you know the guys in the family, they'd go in their own cars. Moreh is something to look forward to, as always. Towards the end of the month the sisters and I would start baking cookies and cakes. A lot new recipes, a lot of fun.

Hmm. I guess dreams would be dreams.



1. Kids & bird (toy)
2. Mesmerizing
3. Jimmy
4. Happy hours
5. Naqib

Alas, Ramadhan Kareem everyone!

the hospital school

Things that I've learned so far

1. Politics take place at lunchtime. Backstabbing, lobbying, (bribery), secret handshakes, etc - the usual political stuff.. *yawn*

2. Most she-doctors and staffs who are not nice are not good looking, at all. I'm cruel, whatever.

3. Most surgeons think they rule the world hence tend to belittle everyone else.

4. Physicians are nicer than surgeons.

If only I can invent a nice-meter that goes beeping going nearer to someone cruel, then only I can produce a paper entitled, "Physicians vs. Surgeons: Nature vs. Nurture. A Paper Looking Into Behavioural Difference Among Physicians & Surgeons."

Nice. (And I'll name my invention something like NICEX 1000).

5. Cute he-staffs are fast access and therapeutics whenever you need them. Thank God for them.

6. A dynamic combo translates: too young and too cute to become a senior doctor, too brilliant not to, too humble for someone too brilliant, too nice and too cute to be resisted. Did I mention too cute twice?

7. Be careful of what you're saying, on some days you'll ended up eating your own spit.

8. The amount of calories in a large pack of crisps are calculated as: cholesterol plaques on your coronary arteries, extra flat tyres on your tummy, extra chicken wings (your own wings to be exact).

9. Exercise is good to boost your immune system. Apparently all of the daily walkings are not considered as an exercise. Squashy racket please!

10. My mum is great. She knows her daughter very well. She gave her tempoyak and ikan bilis goreng cili api to be eaten with steaming hot rice whenever she's too busy (lazy) to cook afterwork. She loves her unconditionally.

Learned just about enough for the day. Let's go and eat nasik with tempoyak!

the one with the job (as if I have more interesting topic to talk about..)

A good movie is the one that never fails to push your emotion buttons correctly all through though watching over and over again. (OK I cried at the scene when Gandalf fell into the Shadow in the cave of Moria. I was watching the movie alone and was damn lonely and scared. So what?)

Great to hear some news from Aneesa. The job I'm doing here is nothing physically challenged as the jobs my friends are doing at home. I mean it is just physically demanding - long hours of working and 7 days a week job with on-calls on every other day. Man. I salute you guys I really do.

Doing what I'm doing now (5 days a week, on-call 3 times per month +/- weekends) I've already lost some of my interests in food (hospital food that is - not so appealing), things beside medicine (on the way to re-developing my interest back) and of course social life. I can't imagine how'd my life be at home.

The thing is, different place promises different things for you. Here I would say it is more mentally demanding (at least for me). You start with jobs that you do blindly, but not long after that everything needs some reasonings. With no good reasoning skills jobs can never get done. You have to struggle to be en par with your Western colleagues who seem to cope very well with their own people. On some days it says - Oh let me help you lovely Asian Doctor - and proceed, and on another it is - This is one of the most ridiculous request I've ever heard, I don't know if this gonna change the management at all, and whom do you say you work with again?!?! -

And being me, who don't tolerate rejections with weak excuses very well, I tend to get frustrated very easily. So at times I pack my lunch and eat it in the prayer room as an escapade, at least I don't twist my tongue speaking English while eating my bland sandwiches.

At those times you really wish you're at home working 7 days a week and on-call on every other night. At least you'll eat rice with nice dishes and air buah, satay or mee mamak; basically gratify your appetite with your own Eastern rations whenever you're sad or frustrated, and see your family once in a short while. Life makes more sense that way you think?

Oh well, either way it is gonna be tough on its own different way. So what do you do? Swallow the pills and embrace the journey..

It is indeed like Frodo Baggins the ring bearer on a first part of the trilogy, the journey's still long, even thinking about it tires your mind, you know there's gonna be good at the end of it, but until you're there, the dark journey shall continues...

OK a very bad analogy I know. I'm just swamped watching the movie for God-knows how many times now.

living for the sake of You

I have a patient with Down's Syndrome, 60ish years old, under our care at the moment with right sided lobar pneumonia. When we first saw her there were these 2 old ladies present by her bedside. Attending her everyday I learned that they are her elder sisters. Later I learned that they have been spending their lifetime looking after their little sister with Down's Syndrome (and its complications). Not married, no other family, nothing else.

It's amazing how selfless people can be. You talk about sacrifices and what drives you towards them. As Muslims we open our eyes everyday in the morning with out niat to do everything for the sake of seeking Allah's love and mercy. Innasolati wanusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahi rabbil 'alamin - Sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku, dan matiku, hanya untuk Allah Tuhan sekelian alam. The strengths and drives will then bud from those. And you wonder what drives these people for their actions. Pure moral? Pure love? Which all will expire once reaching their limits. Interesting ain't it?

On another note, it's hard to keep things in one piece when you're living in this dog eats dog world. I just realized that my intern colleague (the one in the old team that I hate so much) has just added another reason for me to hate him even more when I found out that he has been hogging all of the research by himself behind my back. A perfect male biatch.

It's this kind of thing that shatters my passion-driven reasons to stay in this alien land furthermore. Hospital politics. Yucks!

he's gone for real, after raining there shall be sunshine...

Just to let you know that Mr Smith died that night at 3.30AM. The next morning I went up to the ward seeing an empty bed 11. Heartbroken I was. I knew I shouldn't be attached to my patients but I simply can't help it. I threw away the request forms and letters I wrote to order his home oxygen from my folder. He never got a chance to use it. I will always remember the good times spent with him.

People come and go. Oh well..

(you'll never know when's your turn gonna be)

Our long list of patients after team on-call last week has gone shorter again. Phew. We have this one old patient this time who seems to be staying with us for a long time in future. I saw her by myself in the morning. It was a bright morning and nice predicted weather throughout. She suddenly said in a low and slow monotonous voice while staring blankly to the wall,

"It is very nice and sunny today. Everyone will go out today and tomorrow. What they don't know is tomorrow's gonna be raining heavily. They'll be wet. And frustrated. Because they don't know this. And I know."

Me in my medically tuned head had some big question marks of ??acute confusion ??acute delirium or she might be or used to be a ??fortune-teller ??clairvoyant??

After a long pause she then told me that she just rang the hotline for weather forecast and has been doing that everyday just to know what's the weather like for the day or the week.

Ha ha kene tipu ngan makcik tua..

(maju betullah makcik ni..aku pun taktau nombor hotline weather forecast..)

Motivated by her 'prophecy' on the day, I decided to take a short evening trip to Howth with my housemate cum colleague afterwork. A soft vanilla ice cream cone and a fresh fried cod with fries to fill in the hungry tummy.




Glad it's weekend..

please don't go tonight

The head nurse (sister) in the Respiratory ward said to me before I left for home today.

"I'd be taking my hat off if he survives till morning tomorrow."

It's Mr Smith. He horribly deteriorated furthermore today. I admit that I've been very busy lately and skipped my usual little chats with him in the morning like I always did, taking his confusions and deteriorations for the reasons to not trying to make the usual morning conversations with him. Clearly it was a big mistake. You'll never know when is your last good moment with your patient's gonna be.

So I went to see him before I left. His daughter was there, whom I know well too. I asked her to leave for a moment so that I can resite his IV cannula. I called his name out loud and he didn't reply. I remember the last sane moment of him in the morning we found him in pain he refused to talk to my SHO and wanted only "the Muslim doctor" to attend him. I could guess by having the look at him - thin chance he'll make it through the night.

Slowly I whispered syahadah into his ears, hoping he'd hear me and say and actually mean it. It saddened me to think about what's awaiting him in coming moments. I scared myself coming to think about it too.

I am utterly devastated by this.

just another manic Monday it has been..

It's amazing how PR exam (per-rectal that is - sticking your finger into somebody's ass in a very frank way) can kill your appetite big time.

Oh dear, Mr Smith deteriorated furthermore today, poor man. Now we're at the point of discussing his resuscitation status in the case of cardio-respiratory arrest/further deteriorations. Not looking good :(

I slave and I slave, yet I was still given some harsh responds from some groups of people. Kalaula aku jahat dah lama aku doakan diorang mati terbakar kemudian dibakar di neraka kelak. Oh Tuhan..

On another note, Ramadhan is coming very soon. Let's pray that this year's Ramadhan will be one of the best months we've been through inshaAllah..

In times like these it's easy to miss the dearest friends and hope that they're here with you..

it's weekend y'all

2 days ago Mr Smith was found in pain and confused on the bed, cursing and all. I examined him and found a huge inguinal hernia with his abdomen distended and tense. OK, full blown sub-acute small bowel obstruction?! Then the same morning my other patient passed away peacefully in front of my eyes. Apparently my quiet week is not so quiet anymore.

The on-call last night would've been better if not for the computer system crashdown. Why on earth would you create a system without any backups?? And I thought this is a "developed" country when I applied here.

So all bloods had to be ordered manually by filling in forms and all. Results were told on the phone. The works estimated to be finished in 10 minutes now take an hour to do. Oh Tuhan berikan kesabaran...

The morning after at breakfast the SHO from my previous team said "I want to tell you something" and took the post-call ward round notes from my hand. I got this when he handed the paper back to me.



Ha ha enough to bright me up all day. It is SO Friday and I am SO done with work this week.

*sense of relief*

Oh yes, all the very best to freshly employed Aneesa, Ika and the rest of the crew. You'll be a bunch of tough weeds surviving working at home *salute*

amazingly unoccupied

I have been working with the other respiratory team for a month now. Although I miss my fatherly Big Boss whom I always look up to as a very good professor, teacher, mentor; I must say that I'm not regretting my switch of team to the new one at all. So my new boss now is Prof Horatio (imagine a younger version but very much alike Horatio Caine from CSI Miami, most smooth and thoughtful when talking and most irresistible when going all-youthful with sarcasms and cheeky grins ha ha). I have promised my friend that I'll try my best not to fall in love with him just in case ha ha ha..

On a serious note, it's actually more about the dynamics of the team that I like most. The new SHO is the most brilliant senior member of the team one could asked for. She gave me hopes when I thought I will always be at the downside of the learning curve. The registrar is superb too, plus a very sophisticated and radiant woman who actually kills my appetite for the fattening slice of cream cakes by just admiring her figures. Don't worry I bake my cake at home instead.

More importantly is my new intern colleague. Not that I don't have to work with the full-of-himself, ego-centric, holier-than-thou-attitude, not good looking at all ( a little bit mean here but who cares) intern from the previous team, I now have a new colleague who's very nice, humble and helpful. She's the best. I wouldn't asked for more than this seriously.

And most importantly, the team has created a history for having the least number of patients ever. Seven patients, with four long term patients who don't need that much of daily care. A total bliss. Oddly, I found being unoccupied put me in a very lagged phase. Prof H, noticing the situation gave me a very wise advice - "If you ask a quiet man to do a job, he won't be able to do it. If you ask a busy man to do more jobs, he'll be able to do them fine." Or something like that. He's dead right.

So the intern and I spent the day mostly finishing our research jobs, browsing through journals and going through the list of cute guys in the hospital and calculating the chances of flirting with them. OK the latter is a total make-up. And of course, more learning opportunities were opened when attending consults with the SHO and discussing about managements of patients. All of those made me feel like a real doctor rather than someone who's doing jobs blindly for the sake of completing what's being ordered by the 'above' members.

For a complete turn of the table, I am grateful for every opportunities served in front of me. Thank you dear God and don't stop guiding me through this.

Issue: waiting is a torment, missing you is a growing pain.

Good Morning Mr Smith!

I have 2 favourite patients from my team in the Respiratory Ward whom I always see first thing as an opening routine to my morning ward round. They're the few long term patients we predicted will always be on our list until the longstay ward in the other part of the hospital agrees to take them under their care, which won't be in any near future.

One of them is Mr Smith in his mid-80s. He was already an in-patient when I started working 1 month ago, came to the hospital with spontaneous pneumothorax secondary to COPD, complicated by bronchofistula formation. I remember when I was first asked to resite an IV cannula in his arm, I found him sitting on the chair by the bed site with a chest tube coming out from his right chest attached to the continuous wall-suction. He was listening to the music on the earphones while singing along with the tunes in a moderate tone.

He greeted me with the sweetest smile I have ever gotten from a sick patient. Very cute old guy (not in a flirtatious manner, this is really cute cute). He chatted me through about his chest symptoms while I was putting the IV line. Then he spoke about his Parkinson's Disease and chronic leg pains. Later when I finished and passed by his bed I could hear him singing again. What a pleasant old man I thought.

Then it became a habit to go and see him first thing in the morning. It really made my day by just talking to him. Always smiling though in pain which mostly came from his legs, and always that nice voice singing from the corridor. One morning the patient next to him answered my routine question of "How did the night go?" with "It's well for him, but certainly not for us when he's up and singing at 3 in the morning!" I got to learn that when he couldn't sleep from the leg pain at night he just spent the night awake and singing! Well, the cool Mr Smith answered his friends with "Are you certain that was me singing and not something else? I'm pretty sure I wasn't!!" Cute old man I know..

Today the team made a decision to send him for a mini-rehabilitation in another hospital to help him getting back on his two feet soon, after deconditioning from the chest presentations and Parkinson's. I broke the news to him and was surprised that he wasn't too happy about it. He told me about his wife who used to be there for rehab as well not long time ago. Then talked more about the wife, who has Alzheimer's dementia. Poor lady. I was more surprised when he suddenly fell into silence and there were tears coming down from his eyes. He told me how his wife changed from the lovely one who baked nice cakes to someone who switched on the stove and left it burnt. I feel sorry for him. He then broke the sappy mood by saying "Oh well if I was sent for rehab there I will escape!!" He he like you can walk very fast Mr Smith..

Part of me was sad that in a week's time I'll lose one of my favourite patients, the other part was just happy knowing that he's heading to the good end of this healing process. I will surely miss him..

it's Monday and why am I not complaining..

Did I mention that we got a long weekend this weekend. For once I don't have to work on Monday. Wee~~ Apart from the rains all day, it has been a great day as a home-maker for me. I'm not complaining, not at all.

This entry is to commemorate the best moments during Summer last year. One of them is the Cambodian Mission. I'm very pleased that our baby project has its continuum this year, probably came out better than what we did last year but hey, every achievement has to start somewhere right. Good job guys!



Speaking of which, I remember around the same time last year when I decided that I want to immerse into the world of photography. Never a single regret about that, well probably a little from my failed continuous efforts of learning and becoming better in it (I blame the final exam for that). So a year later I'm still where I started from. Probably a little better but no good really.

Frankfurt Main Airport, Jun 2007

Rainy Bank Holiday Monday

I would say this is the time when photography is reborn. Decades ago when it was almost alien to some and only the apeks from the photo shops would have the big camera with flashes like a big bulb of lightning when activated. Later came not years ago when people go for handiness, where you get the slimmest camera that can fit into your small pocket or purse. The slimmest the handiest. If it is integrated with the phone then it's a plus plus. Now we are back to the old-school method that go for quality rather than look. It doesn't really matter how big and hideous the camera is, as long as the product is of fine quality. Yes when I say hideous I mean that. 5 years ago you'll be laughed very hard for bringing the almost identical to one-eyed alien fish-eye lomo wouldn't you?

This is to Miwqa, Yusuf and those with their newly found passions.

honey, how was on-call?

*my imaginary future greeting from the hubby in my perfect (imaginary) future life

Oh dear! (3rd person auditory hallucinations)

You see, I love to talk about my work. I know I sounded a bit narcissist, but I actually do love my field. Well not fully now as I'm at the bottommost of the hierarchy doing dog jobs, but deep down I know I will eventually fall for this wholly.

The on-call was a great one. I had a solid 5 hours sleep. Beat that, ha ha. It's just one of those quiet nights and it was just purely my rezki it fell on my night. I was carrying the cardiac arrest bleep being the first intern on-call. So you would imagine I went to bed reluctantly to turn off the light, wearing my tudung, white coat and shoes on, and managed to keep in semi-REM semi-deep sleep mode. He he. Well yeah, just in case the arrest bleep went on.

It didn't surprisingly! Phew..

I got bleeped few times through but managed to pull out my "yeah will go up now to put the IV lines" card and eventually went up after 3 hours. Sorry I was too tired to gather myself up. We had a good run on the corridors and the stairs earlier in the morning when the arrest bleep went on loudly, the whole team ran like mad, arriving at the Neurology ward with the patient coming back to vitality. False alarm, she probably had a seizure and collapsed but didn't lose any pulse. Good run though *puffing like mad*

Well Yanie if you're reading this. Remember the Indian Rheumatology registrar who taught us once in WRH, well he's now in BH. I cannot stop smiling whenever I meet him, thinking about we once thought he has the charm to be in a Hindi film, but probably as the brother of the hero, not quite there yet to be the hero though, or probably can be the goody Inspektor Sahab! One time he came near me speaking Hindi to his friend on the mobile phone and I swear I had tears in my eyes trying to contain my nearly bursting giggles from my own thoughts (imagining him in the khakis brown policeman uniform singing Hindi songs with backup dancers). I probably did if you were there with me. He he.

Oh yes, there's this new Psychiatry registrar around. I think he's German. Tall and tanned (they said, I initially thought he's from the Down Under), additional points scored on the nerdy metal framed glasses and scruffy curly hair (I love scruffy curly hair!). Suddenly the infamous side of the hospital (psychiatry that is) became more eyed on. And suddenly almost all of my respiratory patients are in needing some degrees of psychiatric consults, and I, as the responsible intern of team, will try my best to meet their every aspect of psychiatric needs by sending a lot of consults and discussions with that Psychiatry registrar. That's my vow! *devilish grins*

Well I probably lose some point already (do I ever have any points at a first place? - grandiose hallucinations) this morning upon finishing the jobs in the A&E, I, in my most sloppy look of different coloured scrub suit (all good scrubs gone since morning, damn surgeons!), skewed scarf (from sleeping with scarf on), and a white-coat almost off-white from the bloods and ball pen stains, approached him to talk about our 2 new patients with what seems like auditory and visual hallucinations on top of their respiratory complaints. No no they are the REAL case believe me now..

So honey, my call wasn't that bad. Not at all..

of smelling like Euro

My very matured 8 years old nephew once told my mum,

"Nanti Akib dah keje gaji Akib sebulan 900. Pastu Akib kasi Mak 600 OK!"

300 kau nak makan apa la kat KL tu..


I remember my first ever pay in life was the allowance I received for playing archery for KL in 2000. Though not much I still consider it a good sum for a secondary school kid like I was, being paid to skip classes for a month for training and the rest having a jolly good time in Penang after the tournament. I remember spending some of them buying a new pair of pants, saved some and gave some to my parents. The blissful youth..ahh..

Today I received my first real payslip. Hard earned, I must say. Now I know why my parents are so careful in spending unnecessarily and managed to save enough for the 5 of us. I have to learn from the wise of the old people I do.

So my first ever paycheck was spent treating a friend the most delicious Indian food in town. I wish my parents were here so I can bring them to a posh eatery now that I partially can afford this. Partially I said, not for long, I have loans to pay if you don't know (loads of them). Nevertheless, I'm grateful for what I have. Thank you dear God!

Mom said, the first pay I must clear my loans first. Don't worry about them, if I were to pay them back for whatever I spent from them - sampai mati pun tak habis. Painfully true. Nuff said.

Oh well, ngeheee *sengih macam kerang busuk tanda gembira..