I don’t usually write about a specific issue in my blog coz I prefer to make it a place to lay down my simple thoughts at the end of another interesting day. I seriously look up on people who make their blog as a channel to educate people about certain issues, what more if they are religion-related issues. It shows that they really know what they’re writing about, and it gave me some hints of one’s level of knowledge in it, whether it’s just based on their own opinion or they actually had some efforts to do a bit of research before putting everything there.
So lately, I mean for the past three weeks I’d been having issues with my purpose of life here, I have been confronting with so many people about those problems of mine. Most of them were my friends, some were the seniors, and of course my family back home. Looking back, I realized that there are different approaches with different gender, male and female. And of course as one of the latter, I found the former approaches suited me best. It’s the rule of nature, don’t deny it, positive and negative attracts to each other aight? But don’t get me wrong, that was just opinion wise, I didn’t go further than that. I remembered talking about this matter late one night with my flatmates and we agreed on this matter
Female’s a good listener, Male’s a great solver.
I found it’s true somehow. Female friends are REAL good listener and it relieved me after talking to them. It’s like writing in this blog (yeah right) where I could just tell every single thing that crosses my mind at that time. And they would just patiently nod their head, give spaces and time for me to just talk and release every possible thing that made my head cloudy. Some would throw out some useful options I could consider choosing, many gave me advices on being patient of facing the hardships in life. I think that they were all useful and appreciate them so much. They said what’s friend for. I couldn’t disagree more.
So male friends on the other hand tend to listen also, but then they interrupted in between me and instantly open up for options. They were all brilliant options and I couldn’t deny the level of thinking in some are far beyond females. That’s the whole purpose I think, they’re supposed to be superior to the opposite gender in a way if not in the other. And I respected them for that, but not to the level of them taking me for granted. So back to the topic, I think it’s true that the superiority or should I say the ego in males keeps them thinking that they have to solve any problem on referral. Looking at a positive way, it’s good that they actually provided me with some options I’d never think of, which is one of the obvious reasons why I tend to refer to them in some cases (not all OK) as I agreed on males being a dynamic thinker better than females. And one more thing about them, as they already thought that they’re partly involved in the problem now, many tend to do some follow-ups with the person for a period of time just to ensure that she’s doing OK and coping good with the problems. And I think it’s a sweet thing to be doing so, with careful extraction of other feelings, make it pure bond of friendships and it’ll seriously be good. I can assure you.
So which one should go on top of the chart? None I guess. I need them both as much as I need my family. It’s like on completion of building a house, losing a piece of tiles would never make a perfect floor.
So thanks to those advices, great options, soothing thoughts, comforting reassurances, and thoughtful text messages and miss-calls, they really made me feel better after awhile. With those kinds of support I got I’m actually feeling like having another conflict later on. OK I was joking.
Today I wear my new jeans jacket
Ean told me it doesn't suit my personality
Today I asked Alif and Ghani for the route to Phoenix Park by bike
They asked me back "Shu naik basikal?"
Today I told Fawaz I play basketball and archery
Never in his mind I'd do that
Today I asked my friends about a new routine change
Ili advised on having a PARTNER?
Oh Dear,
I do wear jeans and denims, and I don't think I have the personality Ean thought I have
I bike OK, it's just that I don't have the gut to do it oftenly here as I'm easily DISORIENTED
Basketball and archery are the two huge things in my life, and I play tennis too
Ili dear, partnership is not for just killing the boredoom (but I think it's a good idea anyway ;p)
After awhile I realized that my symptoms are progressively improved, I can think clearer than before.
And I know if it's not for the advices from my fellow friends I'd fall hard, crippled and no rebound certainly.
I'm blessed to have them I know.
And today the Eircom guy came and installed the phoneline.
I talked to Mak like I never talk before.
It's a blessing from above I know.
And next Thursday the cable people will come.
It's gonna be a digital with over a hundred channels.
Feel blessed again.
Maybe the clouds are getting clearer after a period of heavy rains.
Hopefully.
Alif said,
"Kat sini kan best. Ha tu ramai mamat2 hensem tu, kat M'sia takde camni"
I said,
"Ala awal2 dulu thrill la jugak ngan depa, skang ni dah tak thrill dah"
Arnee said,
"Ala OK je kot, skarang ni je rasa camni"
I said,
"HOPEFULLY"
Fawaz said,
"God I hate this place. The electrical fire I had just added up the weird things I 've experienced in Dublin"
I said,
"U don't wanna know how I feel about this place, n anyway, sorry to hear bout the fire"
Azri said,
"Tapi dah ini kita pilih. Aku taktau la ko dtg sini sebab apa. Tapi aku dtg sini sbab aku nye choice. Nak tak nak kene la buat jugak kan. Tu la semakin besar ni, nak tak nak kene tanggung apa yg kita buat"
I said,
"Uhuk uhuk, painfully true"
O' Allah grant me some strengths to face this.
My life is like one empty circle which I endlessly follow the same very single line everyday without knowing when I’d reach the end. And it’s like I’m already halfway through it, it’s too late to turn back and too far ahead to be reached. I’m feeling of getting a bit sick of it, everything doesn’t seem to amuse me that much. I used to be so fond into going in the wards, now that our intern seems less interested in teaching us, plus the busy environment in BH, I am somehow tired of the chasing-intern series, with Fawaz and Jonathan complaining about her, and me stuck in the middle, of joining them continuing to dislike her attitude, or of keeping on reasoning to them about her being too busy to spare some times with us (she should be thankful, I was backing her all the way, though sometimes it got into my nerves also).
Everything is just grey and boring, like I said before, everyday is like the same sick routines I follow. I’m tired of leading the same inhumane life. I want to do more, something different and interesting. But somehow each time I think of doing a new thing, it’ll be limited by demands from my surrounding and myself. I want to go to medical conferences in UK, yet I don’t have money for that. I want to get involved in voluntary activities, yet the time limited me in doing so. I want to do sports, my free times with the others aren’t just tally. I want to go to somewhere peaceful (my last best place, Amsterdam, when I said peaceful I mean a lot of water), again MONEY is THE ROOT of every problem, I want to do the things I’ve always dreamt of, surfing and scuba diving, not a single chance now.
So what’s next?
Watch DVDs? Been watching till I can’t get hold of any. Japanese dramas? Enough with the crying from the latest one I watched (how could the director be so mean in giving a bad bad ending to such a nice guy?) Hang out at diners with friends eating nice food? Think I’ve gained few pounds out of those. Listening to nice songs? Too much now, have to cut some. Read storybooks? Been jumping on one book to another, Baiev’s The Oath is just too depressing to be finished, others aren’t just too amusing. Stop writing and sleep now? Been dreaming of home and family since the past few weeks, I woke up weeping myself out missing the people back home. Read pathology and escape from medicine surgery for a while? I’ll think about that. Seems fine with me, I was to stuck up with med surgery I forgot there’s more than that in my study life. And how about gym? Yes I’ve started that last weekend, but think I’d limited myself on gym as I’m trying to fast as many days as possible now. Cats? Oh there are a lot of cats in this neighbourhood, and all of them are very adorable with fluffy furs. Damn I miss my Tomato cat back home.
I dunno, I really need something new now. It’s like experiencing midlife crisis you know, though I’m not even 21 yet. I’m serious OK.
Today I just burst. This time it was not the hormone, it was plain me.
So today was meant to be my clinical skills tutorials day and as usual being the most decent student I attend every class a student should do. And hari ni jugak saya betul2 marah, bengang or whatever u call it, I was simply pissed off. Selama ni bila mereka kata ‘Oh Kolej ni tidak mengamalkan dasar berat sebelah atau sebarang racism’ mereka tipu, yes they simply lied. Memang dah lama rasanya mata ni nampak, hati ni sedar betapa ‘biased’ nye org2 berkulit putih ni ke atas golongan dari Asia, Timur Tengah atau mereka yg kulitnya berwarna ni, tapi mata buat2 tak nampak dan hati berselindung pura2 tak tahu. Tapi harini tak tahula kenapa, mungkin berkat hari Khamis atau berkat hari di awal2 Syaaban ni, saya betul2 TERSEDAR dari kepura-puraan golongan2 ini.
Bengang, saya memang sangat2 bengang.
Bila disuruh melakukan sebahagian dari routine physical examinations, kebanyakan tutor pasti akan menunding ke arah ahli2 tutorial yg PASTINYA berjambang, bertudung, kulitnya berwarna atau mukanya nampak takut2, dan pastinya juga bukan dari negara yang menjadikan Bahasa Inggeris sbg bahasa pengantar. Dari 10 yg ke hadapan, contohnyalah kan, melalui pemerhatian saya, 3 daripada golongan ini dapat buat apa yg disuruh dgn EXCELLENT, 5 daripadanya TAHU melakukan namun TAK TAHU menyampaikan apa yg dia tahu dalam suatu ayat yg lengkap, masalah bahasalah secara ringkasnya, jadi hanya buat sekadar apa yg boleh disampaikan dlm bentuk ayat yg mudah, dan yang selebihnya mmg berdiri tegak buat2 confius dan tak faham soalan (tak tahu lah tu).
Yang bengangnya, ada segelintir, saya ulang HANYA SEGELINTIR pensyarah yang betul2 ‘buat muka’ bila golongan yg disebutkan tadi tak dapat memenuhi apa yang dikehendaki, lantas dipanggilnya pula pelajar2 berkulit putih yang (kononnya) tahu melakukan examinations yg disuruh tadi untuk kehadapan. OK saya tahu mereka memang boleh buat. (fikirkanlah, kawan anda di hadapan tersekat dan anda sbg org di tempat duduk di belakang, takkanlah tak terfikir utk membuka buku nota ringkas atau bertanya kepada kawan sebelah ataupun punyai sedikit lebih masa utk mengingati apa yg telah dipelajari dan menyusun ayat dalam kepala---itupun tak semua yang dipanggil boleh buat dgn sempurna). Yang menggeramkan saya, sebelum pensyarah menyuruh pelajar tersebut (kulit berwarna) duduk ke tempat asal, pasti ada ayat2 sumbang seperti “Did U see how ____(org putih la kan) did the examinations just now? That’s how U should do it OK/That was perfect (which halfly weren’t actually). U have to go back and learn again”. Itu contoh ayatnya lah. Bukan semestinya begitu.
Suatu kebetulan ke? Ataupun memang org2 Asia/Timur Tengah ni bodoh, atau tak tahu berbahasa Inggeris?
Satu contoh lagi, yg ini spesifikasinya kepada sahabat2 dari negara2 Timur Tengah yg apabila bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris, ekspresi huruf ‘R’ nya terlebih sedikit daripada lidah biasa. Normal lah kan. Kalau lidah Melayu yang makan belacan ni pun, tak semua boleh berbahasa Inggeris dgn American accent atau English accent dgn baik. Same goes with the Arabic tongues. Masalah ini tak diambil kira oleh golongan pensyarah tadi, yang hanya mahukan sebutan pasti jelas, lafaz perlu lancar. “Go back and learn how to pronounce DYS-DI-A-DO-KO-KI-NE-SI-A, or HO-MO-NY-MUS HE-MI-A-NO-PI-A, fast and accurately”. On the contrary, sewaktu mereka nak mengambil kedatangan pelajar, nak sebut Mohammed Al-Ghannam pun bunyinya seperti terseksa benar, ditambah dengan gelengan kepala atau senyum sinis, macam nama mereka sedap sangatla konon. Habis international la tu.
Tak tahulah, cakap lebih2 karang dikata mengata guru sendiri, tak berkat ilmu nanti.
Realiti ke? Atau saya yang menambah cerita. Maklumlah di saat2 kurang gula dalam darah tadi (baca: puasa) mungkin tahap kesabaran berkurang dari biasa membuatkan saya bengang setiap kali rakan2 ketawa terbahak-bahak bila pelajar Arab di hadapan tersalah sebut Jendrassik’s manoeuvre sebagai ‘gi-jon-tik’ manoeuvre.
Ini baru kisah segelintir tenaga pengajar di sini, yang mana sepatutnya menjadi contoh terbaik para pelajar. Belum lagi kisah so-called ‘sahabat2 atau rakan2 sekelas’ dari benua Eropah, mahupun Amerika, be it berkulit cerah atau legam sekalipun, asalkan lidahnya cair berbahasa Inggeris, pakaiannya trendy and designer’s lines, style rambut dan bag up-to-date, etc etc etc.
Oh dunia.
They said there’s no such thing as racism, they obviously didn’t know a thing what they’ve been talking about. And this pisses me off. Seriously.
Another day in the hospital. Life keeps getting more interesting for me every single day. I dunno. Sometimes when I experienced some hardness in my learning process, I took one step back and imagined the faces of my beloved ones back home and the dimmed spirit burned back like a fire on gasoline. It got me into thinking sometimes the purpose of my life HERE in DUBLIN, is it just to finish the remaining years and bring back the title, or is there more than just a title then? Reading the news from friends back home, God how I wish I had the fun as a student like they're having now, participating in the extracurricular activities, I imagined myself doing some outdoor activities, basketball maybe, or participate in many volunterring works, going everywhere all over M'sia. It would be such fun.
Then sitting back I realized that there's more than just FUN in life. It's about responsibility. And mine would be to myself, the people around me, and most importantly to Allah The Almighty. I pray to God, asking for some strengths for me to continue on my life, seeking for a clear smooth pathway, eases me in dealing with those strangers around me. Though every single day is like the same sick routines I continuously do, at least I now know my root that I hold on to.
A little bit relieved now of course, that's what blog do. It relieves me after writing something here.
Let's see. I have another 18 minutes left to post something here coz I'm sticking to my initial plan of going back at 7. Yep Yani and I, we managed to host a potluck cum housewarming on Saturday and the number of people who turned up were shockingly unexpected. Murah rezeki maknanye tu. Haha. At the end of the day most of us were pretty STUFFED by the delicious food (Mandy said she ate 9 pieces of our marinated chicken, the highest record I guess). But yeah, it was pretty cool for us to be gathering like that, since the PMC students will be going back to Penang in March leaving me and other 11 mates here in Dublin for another couple of years or more ( I cannot imagine that, oh God no).
Today I was on my way to attend the clinical skills classes when I stopped by at the staff canteen to grab a cup of coffee. That moment I realized that I drink coffee like some people smoke cigarrettes. U get what I mean, it's like I crave for coffee and it keeps me going for the day, like men crave for some puffs. And after throwing away the polysterine cup in the bin, I realized that I have the coffee smell sticking at me (my veil) like people have the familiar cigarrette smell sticking in their mouths or clothes after they finish taking a puff. One time I went to get my cup of coffee with Maryam my Kuwaiti friend and she said "U drink coffee that much?" seeing me pouring the coffee in the cup. Am I really that heavy coffee drinker then? The paradox is I never craved for any when I was back in M'sia, like I said before, it's the teh tarik mamak that satisfy my appetite more. Haha. An exception for those delicious ice blended mocha and frappucino in, U know where. I remember last year when I was still living in Harrington St., me and Faha, we were like some serious coffee cravers that the huge bottle of Bewley's Coffee Rich Roast would be finished by us in the matter of weeks. I know it's bad for myself (yes caffeine is never good for u OK) and I'll try to reduce the amount later. Need my greatest will though, hope I won't be getting some serious withdrawal symptoms later on. :p
OK I've exceeded the estimated time. Failed now.
I'm back to the real me I guess, though not fully ME. The busy schedule really make me forget the things that were bothering me before, the loneliness, the homesick part and all. Though sometimes late at nite when it was cold (as the heater was not on, jimat beb), I would still being struck by the missing family part, that I'm certain would never go away from me.
Oh I'm terribly tired now, today was pretty tired but thankfully filled with things that benefited me in many ways. Cool (my fav word now, Fawaz laughs whenever I said that. He now knows my fav things I think. Haha. I'm so comfortable being his partner. We're COOL together. Haha). The three of us went in to see a surgery in the morning and got the chance to meet our Consultant whom we never met before. He was such a nice guy and I liked him instantly the moment I met him. And it was a pretty COOL surgery, em it was not actually a surgery, it was more to a neuro-navigation and biopsy for a left frontal lesion in this patient's brain. The drilling part was a bit cruel for me, it just felt like my own skull being drilled at that time, but the consultant just expertly drilled the skull and he knew when to stop drilling before it got into the soft brain tissues. That one surely comes with a lot of experience. While doing the drilling, he was constantly talking to us and teaching us the complicated things about neuro which I'll never could get the whole point of it. Too complicated for my rusty brain from the 2 months holidays. God I better start the engine now. I felt like a snail in everything I do.
Me and Fawaz couldn't wait till the end of the surgery, we left the theatre at half ten for our clinical skills tutorials leaving Jonathan alone as a student in there. We didn't get to see the biopsy procedure, too bad. And just now Jonathan said he was in the theatre area till lunch time, he managed to see a laminectomy after the first sugical procedure ended. Oh what a waste of not being there. Hope I'll be able to see some other interesting procedures next Thursday. The tutorials was OK, me and Fawaz went in a bit late and they had already started teaching at that time. And that was after we ran, yep we seriously RAN to Smurfit Building after going out from the theatre as we were so late. So I didn't bring anything for the tutorials and wasn't mentally prepared for them (after the running part I guess). And I got caught after being asked some questions from the lecturer, uh nasib orang datang kelas lambat. Padan muka. There were 3 tutorials in a row, surprise surprise, by the end I was already starving and I could hear some other classmates' stomach grumbling too. Haha so it wasn't me alone. So lunch was always my homemade sandwiches. Ape lagi. Nak jimatla.
Then at 2 the Microbiology lecture started. God it seemed like forever for it to end, and I tried very hard to keep myself AWARE of the surroundings. The next lecturer came in after that, and it was my fav Microb lecturer so I didn't bother keeping alive for another hour or so. But when it finally ended, I was totally exhausted. The plan of accompanying a friend to go in the ward after the lectures was aborted, hell no, no more for the day. So we all went back in that 27B bus, like always macam rombongan sekolah ramai-ramai. Uh have they ever think of getting a college's bus to commute the students to the hospital, or at least just put in some shares in the Dublin Bus particularly for 27B, obviously every RCSI student takes that to go to BH, yeah maybe some take 16 or 20B. Whatever, I still think it's a good idea for the college's bus. C'on we pay nearly 35 thousand euros for every academic year (OK my sponsor pays that one I know), don't tell me u can't afford it. Lately this whole fees issue had been raised by my classmate and I think he should be doing that. All these while the students just pay their money when the year started and they don't even have the idea how the college uses the money, so at this point I think the time had just comes when everything should be surfaced and only then we'd be satisfied. Hopefully.
Did I tell u that I lost my glasses on my first week in the hospital, yes my ONLY pair of glasses, I left the other pair at home in Msia. As I don't have any locker yet, I was putting my stuff in Jonathan's locker and while sorting my things out I dunno why but I put the glasses on the floor beside my bag. After giving him my whitecoat and other stuff I just picked the bag and went away. A friend of mine said she did see the glasses on the floor while passing by there but didn't bother to pick them up. I went to ask the guard at the reception but he also didn't have any with him. The odd thing is that till now I still feel OK about it, I don't have any bad feelings about losing the glasses. I dunno why but I still feel that they're still somewhere in BH, safe but not in my hands. God where are u glasses? My fault again of not taking a good care them. Mum always said I'd lose my head if it wasn't socketted in my neck (eh macam dalam cerita cina Takashi tu pulak).
Oh stop the nonsense for today, it's my third malam Jumaat in Dublin.
CRAP
U know that sometimes when u discover something you've long waited to know about, your heart would just jump up and down knowing about it, and u can tap your heartbeats out for the whole period of time, only to find out later that there's something uneasy going on with the thing. Oh this happens to me A LOT. I guess it's some sort of compensatory system God creates for human not to always feel great about himself, when u have good things happen to u, there's always something bad going to happen afterwards to compensate the good feelings you're having at that moments.
It doesn't matter anymore. I feel a bit better now.
It was a pretty chaotic day. And I realized that I've started eating junks again nowadays. Always something fast and convenient, like potato wedges I was having for my lunch (or late-lunch which was at 5pm) today. This is the kind of food that would make me ended up having any bowel diseases someday (oh God no) unless I started eating healthy food back again.
Hm U know what, I'm gonna just be frank here coz I'm a bit mentally unstable today, I miss the "sight" I saw on the week earlier. It's the most comforting sight I've ever seen since I got back here and it's the only thing that keeps my spirit burning now, though it was just that once, yep only one occasion.
Oh I'm starting to be getting weirder and weirder for the day. Don't bother to ask, I might not remember any of these things later in the week when u remind me of them back again.
Till then
It’s only 11 am on this fine Friday morning yet I’ve already called the day off. (Oh come on, it’s just the first week. Gimme a break will ya). My only purpose of coming to the hospital today was to attend the 9am lecture, and was entertained by Mr Ireland (the lecturer) who said “Vitamin E is an anti-oxidant and it is fairly important for the sexual activities of rodents” when the topic should be on surgical jaundice. Going out of the lecture theatre, there were a bunch of neurosurgeons and doctors who were having their free breakfast served after the neuroscience symposium thing or whatever they call it. Man I should’ve gone out using the other exit at the rear end, me, Fawaz and Jonathan were like pushing each other for whose gonna be the one that should go and talk to our intern whom we clearly could see after taking our exit. So we ended up just like passing beside her and I was like “Hi” and waved my hand as a gesture not long before Fawaz slowly said “ Oh let’s just go back and have a great weekend since we all don’t feel like going to the wards” and we were like “Yes good idea” then bid our g’byes. That was how it ended.
The whole week was not too bad, I managed to take one history (yes only one) and present it to our intern. There were also a neurosurgeon along with the intern when I was presenting the case so u imagines how they were condemning me. They are really nice people and those were not some destructive comments, it’s just that I wasn’t really ready to be commented on my first case in Beaumont Hosp. But yeah I actually deserved those comments as by now I should’ve master the case presenting skills, so served me right. Then we went to take another history and Jonathan did the physical examination for the upper limbs on the same lady.
A week of experience in BH, I realized some differences of the 2 hospitals I’ve gone study in, between JCMH in Blanchardstown and BH. Well, in JCMH the doctors invited you over to see a surgical procedure or make a schedule for u to meet them in such time for some extra tutorials while here in BH they actually schedule u to go in the wards for some limited times only. Things go pretty hectic over here as BH is one of the main national hosp where all complicated and chronic cases from peripheral hosp being referred to. And by now the wards are pretty stuffed by the students from all 3rd, 4th and final meds who are hungrily hunting for some interesting cases to be taken histories of. So u imagine how busy things are in the wards that somehow affected me by making me less interested in being present there and getting the situation much more complicated (I know it’s a bad excuse to escape from the wards)
And today also I had major mood swing-over. It’s the hormones I know but at one point I really felt like quitting med school and go grab someone to marry me. Haha. If only life’s that simple.
