this sick strange creepiness

I'm back to the cold and creepy Dublin, the last place I want to be now. The journey back was not too bad and I was travelling with Yani, Buff and Francis. We arrived in our new basement flat on Saturday afternoon and I was instantly struck by the loneliness of the place. I miss my home dearly and still missing it right now. It seems like every little thing that I do, my mind would fly back thinking that how would it be if I were in M'sia. So there's only me and Yani in the flat, and the cable was terminated by the former tenants that made us the most lonely people in Dublin. The creepiness of the place really caught me inside, I felt like crying everytime I think about M'sia. It is very hard for me to adapt for this time, my mind still continuously thinking about how I miss my parents' nagging, my sibs talking, my nephews crying, my cat, the place, friends, everything. And I'm still figuring how long would I be this way. A week maybe, or longer.

So the flat is the only comforting thing that I hold on to now. It's a very cozy place, a bit bigger than our former flat and there are nice kitchen, washroom and toilet. I sleep in a single bedroom which is at the rear of the house, every morning I open the window the dandelion flowers at our backyard would fly into my room and stick at the pink carpet. And I also realized that there are these two orange cats that would sit on the brick walls at the backyard in the morning playing with each other. Someday I would go and bring them into the flat, I will. John our landlord has cut the grass shorter yesterday evening so there'd be no more dandelions causing messes and it's a good time to think about barbecue in the backyard while it's still summer. When the chill kicks in there'll be no more fun other than staying in the house with the heater on for all times. In Dublin, seriously I can go nuts for the chilly environment, it's my weakest link of all. Cold.

The school started yesterday though there'll be no class till Wednesday. So there's a new team for Medicine and Surgery for everyone for the coming 6 weeks. (Lucky me?) I was put in the Neurosurgery team with my 4 other teammates. A Chinese Msian lad, 2 Arab guys and an Indian American lady. I can't say more about them, the only people that I have the experience working with is Jonathan the chinese guy who was my anatomy groupmates and that's about it. For Fawaz it's just that I always talked to him as he is the library people like me. Sa'ad, nothing much, we were in Blanchardstown last term and he once asked me in a copying room to have a copy of the MCQs paper I was holding at my hand at that time. And for Amita, the IT Officer for the new Students Union, never talked, don't bother about it, and looking forward to see how she goes with the team. Hope she'll be different from what people say she'd be. Who knows right? People might be wrong. I give her my plain white clothes as a beginning, put away all the judgemental thoughts and see how she'll decorate the plain piece of clothes. We're a team anyway anyhow, who's gonna make the days much easier if not for ourselves, so let's make the team runs as it should be. And good news (hopefully), our intern is someone I personally know, my Malay senior who just graduated last summer. I hope this 6 weeks are the ones I will truly treasure, and what more I'm in a surgical team, wayyhayy. I think I'm more into surgery than medicine. Uh I can't tell now, it's just the beginning.

Tomorrow's gonna be our first ward round and us meeting the whole team eyes to eyes. I've got to work on it or else I'll be looking really stupid in front of few of the most brilliant brain surgeons there.

Still missing home.

Leaving On An Airplane

By the time U read this, I might already be high up in the sky on my way back to Dublin. So it has come to the end of my holidays and I've already accepted that fact. Looking back, I had a wonderful holidays with my family and friends around me, it was a beautiful 2 months of my life. My gratitude to all friends that spent their times and money to fill my empty days all along and created some good memories that are worth remembering (U know who U are). I'm gonna miss the hell out of them.

Parting is such a sweet sorrow.

Pray for my safe journey. I'll see U in Dublin.

what I'll miss most from home

there goes the list

1. of course the faces of the people in the house, Mak to the most, I realized that she is the most important person in my life now

2. the tantalizing smells from the kitchen

3. playing video game with Naqib and amuses him with my new achievements

4. Naqib asking me odd questions like "Acu, kenapa ayam ada tulang?" or "Macam mana Allah cipta CD?", one time he even asked his mummy "Macam mana Allah cipta baby?" (*_*)

5. listening to Naqib's stories of his friends or teachers at school-- "kawan Akib yg nama Yusof tu kan..." and " ada Ustaz baru kat kelas mengaji Akib, muka hensem tapi bawak motor buruk je, bunyi bek bek bek"... uh that kid..

6. the moments Along or Angah comes to the house after work and messes the nice evening with stories from their workplace

7. my arguement with Abah over putting Tomato our cat in the cage earlier at night. I always hate it to see animals being locked in a cage.

8. Mak's nagging over my messy room which she ended up doing all the tidy works

9. Along's phone calls asking me "What would U like to eat tonight?"

10. Ola, Adik and I went out on late Saturday nights to find CD rompak in Serdang for the late night movie in the house

11. me lazing around in the house, simply doing nothing, without my parents saying a word about it

12. the nice evenings when Mak cooked all the great kuih muih that I longed to eat

13. me being a total potato couch in front of the telly watching the channel Discovery Travel and Adventure awing at the magnificent places of the world

It"ll took me forever to put them all into a list. What a great holidays it was.

balik mode

My stomach's crunching now, I hate this feeling. I've been stoned for the last few days and U know why, yeah I'm flying back to Dublin on Friday. This is the third time for my third year, yet it felt like my first time departing from my family. It's simply depressing for me and I can't imagine how I'm gonna face it. The whole loads of people's gonna be there bidding their goodbyes for me, and I want them to do on the contrary. The more I think about it, the sadder I'll be. And U imagine how hard I'm gonna cry at the airport on Friday, leaving my loved ones thousands of miles away. And having my Eid Mubarak for the third time (and few other times in the coming years) without my family being around.

For an instant it has brought me to think how I managed to do this, livng on my own without my family for the past 2 years and still surviving. I usually live on the supporting system around me, and yeah I can say that I have a great supportive environment in Dublin with my housemates and friends that eases my life over there. Well to think over again, it's not gonna be that bad isn't it? I'm not going to a place of a cold war or what. Come on Shu U can do this. God give me the strength to face this all over again.

Athens 04 Fever

I just couldn't go to sleep early nowadays. It's the game, I know, but I simply couldn't contain myself from watching it. Exciting. Too much excitements. Especially at the poolside for swimming. OK I'm not a pervert who likes to watch people in swimsuits, it's the sport itself, and IAN THORPE. Man he's a swimgod and a true torpedo. With the whole-body black swimsuit and the yellow swimcap, adding the credits for not showing his bareskins and the underlying bulking muscles, he is the true champion of the pool. Been watching him swimming from the early years of his international appearance and now still, I think he is a great example of an athlete who has consistency, determination, modesty etc that make him always the title holder, plus the donations and the funds he made for the cancer society and the people in need. Oh OK I sounded too much all over him, I'm not OK. It's not him as if HIM THE LOOK (he's not that cute by the way but I like the humble look on his face :p) , he is just my good example of people with great devotions over thing they do for a living.

Comparing to some national athletes we have in our country which I think don't take sporting events they're involved in seriously, just think about what has happened now to the old Watson Nyambek or Azmi Ibrahim, or the national boxer who obtained a gold medal back then in SUKOM 98, uh I forgot the name already, or how about our national hockey team which once has a very good reputation? Where have all these people gone now? They are known for the time they succeed in a major game, and maybe few years after that before their names dissappeared in time. Don't blame the genetics of having short limbs or small posture, how come the small Japanese made it to gold in swimming when we can't? I think it's the attitude that matters, when a student doctor attends classes, keeps track with the lecture notes, goes to the wards, does some personal research, with extra hours of prayers, he surely has booked himself a place of a great doctor/surgeon in the future. Same goes to the athletes. Believe me, I had lived in Majlis Sukan Negara, Bukit Jalil for 2 weeks before my archery tournaments and mingled with the national athletes. They were all very nice and friendly people, but I don't really see the attitude of an athlete who strives to become a better one in them. It was like holidays in there. Oh I'm not judging them based on my 2 weeks observation, it's cruel and injustice to do so. But what the heck, I think it's the mentality of our own people who still not believing that we're capable of achieving something internationally that put us where we are now still.

Did I tell u that I like the leaves thingy they give the medalists in Athens? Yes it's the rounded thing they put on the head of the athletes, with the pale green leaves around it. It's simply classical and inimitable. And I wonder how those athletes could just throw that thing away to the roaring crowds. Man u've earned that, keep it for goodness's sake!!

Oh yes, it's Rejab again. Let us all fill this month of blesses with things that lead us closer to Him. Ameen.

oh me, my holiday's ending

I'm finally all alone with my parents at home when we had full house during the weekend. Ola was on holidays last week so I had my best time with her and Amir, doing my shoppings while them treating me over the places I haven't eat yet since I got back. Talking about the most significant word in women's life, yes I'm talking about shopping, I still have few big things to buy before I go back on the 27th. And now I'm all alone, it'll be hard for me to get the mood to go outside shopping on my own.

ATHENS 04, the huge thing that's happening now. Like the previous games, I was stucked in front of the telly for the latest updates from it. Sports are the next best thing that amuses me after medicine, though the physiological procesess of the two are somehow intertwined, I see sports as something for leisure and medicine as a career. It is priceless to see the faces of the athletes upon winning the medals, and to watch the beautiful strategies and techniques being skillfully used during a match. Go and try to watch a hockey or a basketball match with the volume off, you'll aprreciate the art of sports more.

I'm counting days to go back. Man this holidays is the BEST ever and I don't want it to end, not yet!

my living ground

Yesterday I went back to my hometown in Malacca with my parents and Naqib. We first went to Tangkak to send K.Rina and Arif (my new nephew, Wan Arif Hafiy) to her parents’ home, I’m seriously going to miss him, the most adorable 10 days old child who never gives us any trouble during days or nights. So after having our lunch in Tangkak, we straight went to Mak’s hometown, Kg. Belimbing Dalam in Alor Gajah, Malacca. It was less than 2 weeks to my departing date and only then I had the chance to visit my old people in kampung. How pathetic was that.

And how more grateful could I be, there were still the same loving greetings from the same lovely faces I know, that instantly made me realized that how educated I am or I’ll be, this is my root and the people I hold on to. No matter how Irish my tongue would be, I’ll never can change my ‘Malakau’ tongue with its high-pitched tones and rudeness words. That’s the beauty of Malacca people I’d say.

“Bila engkau nak habis belajar ni nak? Mak dah nak mati dah ni, tak dapat lagi rasa Dr. Shuhada rawat mak.”

I just smiled hearing that, giving my comforting words back to them (all of us call our aunties Mak and uncles Abah/Bapak, it’s just how thing goes in my place). What more could I say, it was just depressing to give promises that I’m not sure to be kept. Most of my aunties and uncles on my mum’s side are really old, two have deceased years back and my grannies passed away when I was a small kid. So they have illnesses beyond descriptions and leading their lives in the most basic and simplest kampung styles, they have no proper treatments for them.

Of the 7 people in Mak’s siblings, only 3 made it to live outside Kg. Belimbing and educate their children to the third level of education. And my eldest sister, Along was the first one in the big family to go overseas furthering her studies, and my parents were the first and only ones who stepped their feet in outsider’s land when they visited my sister in Leicester for few times few years back. It’s not that my family is rich or what, I think it’s just the fact that Mak was a very hardworking and determine person back then and even now that she planned her life carefully ahead of time. My parents are not some executives in some big companies, they all started working from scratch with Mak being a school teacher and Abah was a police officer years back, and they worked very hard to put our family where we are now with Abah who just retired from being the Head of Security Department in Petronas Permata and Mak who’s a vice principle in a school near our house, and my Along who’s a manager of a company, Angah a lawyer, Ola and me, an engineer and a doctor in the making, and Adik who’s doing aircrafts maintenance in a private college in Seremban. Ok so what’s the relevance of talking about this? It’s just my way to convey the idea that we all started our lives from the very basic point and from there with the correct methods we developed our lives to the highest level that we could achieve. (and it’s a continuous process still)

Now back to my hometown story, I was so touched when my aunt asked her grandson (my cousin’s son) to climb the rambutan tree to get some fruits for me, and my other uncle instantly went to get some mangoes (ok not some, it was a boxful of mangoes) for us to bring back home. And my best part came before we went back when Mak Esah (Mak’s eldest sister) served me a plateful of fried prawns, I mean it was such a simple cooking of prawns with turmeric powders and salt, yet it was the best prawn serving I ever had I think. Seeing me eating deliciously, I heard Mak Esah said

“makanlah nak, Mak dah tak leh makan dah udang ni. Bisa kaki.”

Aiseh, the food just stuck in my throat hearing that. This is the sort if thing that boosts up my spirit to continue my studies, get a degree, have a good job with some good pays, and help to improve my family’s living condition. And it’s not just some financial aids that these people really need, they would really appreciate it if their relatives go back and visit them sometimes, or call them once in a while, just some simple thoughts would be enough.

So we went back home not long after Isya’. I was a bit sad leaving the place for I knew it’ll be uncertain for me to see and count the same number of people that I love on my next visit to my hometown again, which I guess would be another coming year from now. Generations come and go, there’ll be newborns and deaths, and for me old people are to be remembered and the new ones are to be guide. Kg. Belimbing Dalam that once being an underdeveloped place with muddy trails now has proper tarry roads, but still the family tradition continues as Pak Ali and Mak Esah breed their cows and goats, Pak Akub’s family with their mango orchards, so much for the changes and similar, yet inside me it is this place where my heart and soul falls back onto..

this sick strange darkness

ugh sekali dalam sebulan mesti jadi macam ni
tak taula kenapa
saya ke yg ikutkan perasaan
atau perasaan yg suka mainkan saya
geramnya
tapi tak mampu buat apa2
otak saya ligat berfikir
adeke kesudahan dlm cerita hidup saya ni
eh bunyi macam orang bercinta
bercinta ke saya ni
bukanlah
ini bukan cerita cinta
eh awak kecewa ke bila saya kata macam tu
ini mesti peminat novel remaja ni
(atau kawan2 sohabat9600 yang ingat saya sedang bercinta)
ade gaya org bercinta ke
ish tak relevan kot

uh tak perlu sambung la
nanti bunyinya jadi lain pula
bila tulis macam ni
rasa hilang perasaan sumbang tu
bagusla
kalau ikutkan hati, mati
kalau ikutkan rasa, binasa
betulkan?
uh Cikgu Kang Suat Boon mesti bangga dgn saya
sbab saya ingat lagi peribahasa

tiba2 saya rasa rindu pulak zaman sekolah dulu

a newborn and a busy week

i left this blog for a week yet it felt like only a moment ago i last wrote here (how time flies). it's been a hectic week for me indeed, as i expected it to be.

on Monday i was supposed to go to MERCY making myself useful over there but i didn't, it was hard for me to get the momentum for all these volunteering works, gosh i need it badly. but i knew once it's there, it'll be unstoppable (inshaALLAH).

so i planned to cover up my absence on Monday for the next day, but again plan aborted, i had a more important thing to attend. it was the day when i had my second nephew (August 3rd 2004), the next successor of Wan's Family. my brother was never happier than he was on the day and the whole family was delighted. Naqib was the happiest of all i think, he promised not to suck up his thumb again as he now has a 'small brother to be taken care of' (they are cousins actually) which at the end of the day u know what would happen, he'll never can leave the bad habit. so we were all in Hospital Putrajaya until half-four in the evening, i had to go fetching Reen who came to KL to meet the KETAPUs sisters as she didn't make it for Penang the other day. that nite i had Pah and Reen in my house and we watched '30 Hari Mencari Cinta' (i bought the VCD in the evening at The Mall) late that nite while eating maggi mee and a can of lychee drink, it was typical hostel style, though my mom has cooked dinner that nite.

so the consequence was, i had my eyes swollen and red for the lack of sleep the nite before. Wednesday morning, i met with some friends in Serdang commuter station and Asyif took us from there to PD for this year's Perhimpunan Pelajar M'sia. actually i went there a day earlier than the actual programme commencement date, which actually was meant for the programme's committees. it was hard initially as i was so shy with half of them whom i didn't know earlier, but the ukhuwwah got stronger with every hour i spent over there. it was truly a day worth spent, we had great speakers like En. Ariffin who is a consultant,
and Ustaz Rahim (i'm not sure about the name), whom both had engineering as their first degree actually and jumped to do consultancy cum da'awah as a job now. those are the people worth idolising about i think, the precious spirit of a da'ie folded in their hearts that they put Islam and Ummah in their list of priorities. then we also had a special appearance from Prof Abang Abdullah, founder of MSM (Majlis Syura Muslimun) whom being presence was a true spirit booster for us all.

then the next day was busier with the arrival of the participants. i helped with the registration and arranging the accomodation. bits of here and there, as i wasn't the real committee. by noon the programmes started with a trendy way of icebreaking i'd say and it continued with some other interesting programmes til Friday when i had to leave the camp two days earlier than the closing ceremony. it was hard for me to leave the place, not because i felt that Saturday's matter wasn't important, i just felt like the chances to get along with people of the same interest and the same pathway that i'd like to commit in life is so hard to get, and when i got one the time limited me to go on further more. but it was OK for an introduction i guess, i pray for more chances like that and i'll seek for more myself inshaAllah.

(frankly, i don't come from a family with a really strong religion background, moderate maybe, and i didn't have the chance to be in a religious boarding school, and i was naive when i chose French as my third language instead of Arabic, but all of those don't stop me from seeking for more. despite my envious thoughts towards my other lucky friends with a great family backgroud that motivates them to deepen their knowledge of Islam, my motivation is to put the lackness that i have as a reason for me to learn for more, as i believe that all human beings have one fitrah in common that is to become a better person in life. it's just the matter of time for some changes to be done. don't u think so?)

then on Friday Asyif dropped me back in Serdang at 5 in the evening, and at half-ten that night i was already on my way to Shera's house. i was delighted despite the tiredness i was having from the camp as
it's been a year since i last meet them all, my Sohabat9600 pals. Shera and Cipah were there in the house and the other 3 arrived later from UTM that night. my gosh, the thrills of meeting each other and updating a year worth of stories, i nearly lost my voice there. the next morning the rest of the team came and after having our delicious breakfast together, we convoyed in Nisa's Wira and Anem's Toyota Unser to Janda Baik, Pahang. there were only 10 of us who made it this time, as the others were busy with their studies and all. completely understandable. it was indeed a beautiful place over there and the cold water chilled us out to the bone, but that didn't stop us from having our greatest time. on our way back, we stopped by at McD with the initial intention to buy drinks that ended up to be sitting down having our second lunch while chit chatting. then there was a turnover of the plan, most of us headed to Anem's house to spend the nite there while few sticked on their initial plan. the best thing happened later that nite when we went out to eat outside near midnight, though my eyes were already half opened, the spirit to continue on my Malay food fiesta kept me awake. huhu. will u believe it if i say that i never ordered anything else than Teh Tarik or Teh Ais whenever i eat outside since i got back for the holidays? the mamak must have put some marijuana or any drugs in the teh i think, i can't stop drinking one now :p

tired but i had another circle of friends to meet. on Sunday morning Anem sent me home (thanks dude) and in the afternoon i went to UKM to meet my friends and also to go to the Pesta Konvo over there. Reen was again in KL and i met my other KC mates in UKM whom i didn't meet since last year. again it was a humid day but we never failed to entertain ourselves with each others stories. and in the evening they all decided to come to my house to visit my new nephew or 'their' new nephew they said, so i was leading them all in Pah's Serena and Amali followed in his black Kembara. after a simple dinner at my house, it was the end of the busy week yet the BEST week ever for me.

a beautiful new babyborn, a meaningful camp and three different circles of friends to sum up my GRATEFULLNESS of the week. thanks Allah!

-in a cookie of life, friends are the chocolate chips-

weekend of thoughts

the weekend's over. i woke up on Saturday only to find the whole family was downstairs (except for Ola), waiting for Mak to be back from school to cook Assam Pedas for lunch. it was funny as most of us i think know how to cook assam pedas and all ingrediants were already being laid down on the kitchen's table but still mom's hands were needed for that occasion. so the big family lunch was held, now i get the idea of how important for each small family to be living close together (reconsidering the idea of living in Dubai or Sabah or anywhere far, :p). and i realized that how grown up my sis and bro now with their own families, and how busy they are with their own works, they still need the sight of my parents in front of their eyes for everyday in their lives. believe it if i tell u that they all come to this house everyday, and maybe twice or more on weekends. and the house seriously felt empty if they didn't come in a day. i can now understand how lonely it is to be living without the people u used to lived with. Good Lord, Allah the Almighty, i pray for my parents' good health and longevity so i could do the same thing when i have my own family one day. ameen.

i was invited to Dr. Siti A's house in Kajang for the kenduri cum pre-departure programme for the new students on Sunday. i met familiar faces over there, the same Dublin friends, but there were juniors that are going to Ireland and few to UK too. so while eating and chit chatting they were asking the same questions to the seniors on the preparations and how things go over there, etc. at the end of the day, i was still not believing that i'm already a senior entering my 3rd Medical Year, and i was still getting used to be called K.Shu or calling myself 'akak' when talking to them. it felt awkward. bukan nak perasan muda, i just felt awkward. maybe for few years after leaving high-school, there weren't anyone calling me akak and suddenly it has come the time when i got juniors again, oh man time really flies.

i expected this week to be quite a hectic week for me. we'll see.