..actions&consequences..

in the name of Allah...

i've been leaving this page for god-knows how many long..sitting here watching the clusters of clouds moving fastly up in the bright sky thru the window while laying my lazy butt on this comfy chair of the library..life is good..God life IS really really good (say a lil' prayer for You..)..for the past few months i've been learning so much; academically, morally, etc. n for the past few months there have been so many things happened to me, events that are gonna leave marks on me and guide my life ahead..

i guess i shall start with the grandest one first..followed by others later, maybe on my next entry..

FIRST PROFESSIONAL EXAM
then the history began..my few last ones here i've expressed the pain n the hurtings i was having during 'my battle of the future' (heh)..yeah i admit that those are the most tiring periods of my life..more tiring than playing a full 20 minutes of basketball back in high school, more tiring than standing straight for couple of hours in the hot afternoon sun pulling the 38lbs bow while trying to get the carbon arrows on bulls eye and of course even more tiring than those 9 papers i was having during SPM..haha that's for sure..

yeah for this purpose only, i lost my interest of others than my lecture notes, i slept with books all around me, sometimes i partially slept or in another word my unwanted sleeps during my late nite studies or i even slept with my back on the walls..i woke up in the morning with my heart pumping hard wondering wut time was it n was i losing the minutes of my studies, i lost my biological clock as i kept waking up in my sleeps after i dreamt of something bad (gave me opporturnity to tell Him all my problems), i was so fragile that i cried on every single saddening thing that crosssed my mind (home especially), i got dark circles under my eyes of the lacking of sleeps, i ate junks, my things were all over the place, i spent less times with my mates that i worried so much they hated me for that, i became less me and more somebody else, i didn't have any other time for everything else except for books and Him, not even for my own-self...

(forgive me God for being such an imbalance Muslimah, and forgive me my dear pals if i ever abandoned u during those times)

action is followed by consequences (action&consequences..like the wife of the french-guy in the movie Matrix Reloaded said to Neo, or was it the french guy himself? :p) my version of consequence is different..i was so sured to have a place for repeating one or two papers or at least for pass-failed orals but the paradox of me was immediately after finishing the papers i just followed my sub-conscious actions of packing all the books and lecture notes beside my bed and put them away back at the shelves..my heart said i would but not so for my sub-conscious mind..results came out 1 day after i finished my anatomy practical, so fast that i couldn't even think of them..n guess what

i found my number neither on the failed list, nor the pass-failed list...i passed, yeah i passed my FIRST PROF EXAM!!

i didn't believe my eyes at first so i checked on the list more than twice (i was with Yani checking the results) and after comfirming that we were clear, me and Yani cried so hard accepting this unbelievable miracle partly, and the other part was being so much grateful of the gift He gave us..i contacted my friends to ask on theirs and alhamdulillah most of my friends passed too (especially for my closest full-course MARA mates, we've done a pretty good job here guys and i am so proud of us all!)..then i called my parents back home to break the good news and they were so happy for me (i'm happy and mostly grateful to have u too dear Mak n Abah!)

after the results...

here i am now..n it's getting darker outside..i have to go back home and i'm gonna spend the rest of the day like a normal person..i have a month of pure holidays and i'm gonna spend them wisely..i have to do everything that i planned to do and pay my nazaar for this greatest gift from Him..i'm gonna keep the promises i vowed i'd be doing after the exam..i've got everything i want and it's my time to be doing something i'm supposed to do..i grant the strength from u O' Allah, for me to continue my jihad...

seems like i've reached the end, but this end is the beginning of everything...

+++my special thanks to everyone that prayed for me and sent me encouragements, every little effort counts and i thank u for them...i really do...

vulnerable point

i realized that i finally reached my vulnerable point..every single thing that i do seemed like one wasted unnecessary thing that i shouldn't have been doing before..every nite i cried consulting Him the burden that seems so hard on my shoulders..i can't bear the pain i'm having now..i'm currently holding on but i won't be lasting for long..ya Allah send me some guidances..inspire me with your wisely thoughts..open my heart to see the clear pathway of my journey..Ameen

2 more papers to go, and thousands of hurdles come fencing..

endless tiredness

my body aches, i can feel the dull unlocalized pain that seems to be evrywhere in evry inches of my skin..i'm tired, so tired and there's no word to describe the feelings i'm having now..it's like thousands of blunt needles prickling under my skin and i'm so tired that i can't stop them..sometimes i feel that i've reached my limit and it feels like finding the dead end of this journey but words echo thru my ears that i pick up evry pieces that's shattered and put 'em back together, though they seemed to be impossible

...i've chosen this path and there is no way back..i've been dreaming to do this since before and i've foreseen the consequences of my choice..i was ready to face all the consequences and i should be ready now when they finally came..i become my parents' pride and i am their one hope in their ailing days..i can't quit now..i simply can't...

i miss those nice smells from the kitchen of my mom's cooking..
i miss those nagging of my mom asking me to help her with the dishes..
i miss those times when everybody gathers around the table grabbing for food..
i miss those times when my sister scolded my brother for eating much, too much..
i miss those times when mom told us it is ok for him to be eating much, it's His gift for our family...
i miss those delicate hands of my mom feeding me when i sat beside her, pampering myself..
i miss those jealous look on my other siblings of the thing i'm doing..
i miss those times when mom had to top up the rice for couple of times when she finally had to feed us all with her hands...
i miss everything of my past..i miss my home so so much that it hurts me deeply inside..

"Tidak ada sesuatu musibahpun yang menimpa seseorang kecuali dengan izin Allah, dan barangsiapa yang beriman kpd Allah, nescaya Dia akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu" -(At-Taghaabun:11)

till after the exam

12 minutes before the library closes, i dun think i can write much for this one..yeah including today i have 4/5 days to go for my 1st prof exam which gonna take place for about 2 weeks starting this coming tuesday..so i beg to anybody who's reading my words here, please i beg u to at least recite one dhuah for me by ur heart (it really doesn't have to be in ur prayer, make it now!) coz i really need 'em..i'm gonna try to do my best and pray really hard for this exam and let He deals with the others..thanks guys!!

SELAWAT TAFRIJIYAH
"Hai Tuhan kami, limpahkanlah kesejahteraan dan keselamatan yang sempurna ke atas junjungan kami Nabi besar Muhammad SAW, semoga terurai dengan berkatnya segala macam kekusutan, dilepaskan segala macam kesusahan, ditunaikan segala macam hajat, tercapai segala macam keinginan dan husnul khatimah (hajat yang baik), dicurahkan air hujan rahmat dengan berkat peribadinya yang mulia. Kesejahteraan dan keselamatan yang sempurna itu jugasemoga Engkau limpahkan ke atas para keluarga dan sahabatnya."

+++this evening i found out about one blogspot ran by one person that i know..Maha Suci Allah Yang Maha Besar, i was really stunned by the way she wrote evrything in her blog, despite her young age,she does the elaborations of things in a very mature and intelectual way that i felt so inferior and so ignorant in the knowledge that i should be knowing as a Muslim..gonna talk more on this later..