of karma, ego & love..

Sometimes you don't realized the littlest thing you do give a dinasour impact on others. You think you'll escape karma and get your ego pumped with every great things you've achieved. You forget that God still loves you and wants you to know that He do. Indeed, He's the greatest of Creator, He knows you inside & out, more than you think you know yourself. He knows where you'd be soft the most and 'touch' your weak point with the simplest touch, and you'll be left on your wobbly knees, when you realize back again that indeed there's no one you shall turn to in happiness and pains, other than Him and only Him.

I don't believe in the true karma; as in the previous life, reincarnation and stuff. But I do believe in the layterm one that says; what you give you get back, what goes around comes around. In extension, there's almost always consequences post-actions. Be it immediately or latent. Herein or hereafter. That's why one has to be very careful of one's actions before they become the consequences. I guess sometimes one just try hard enough but ego has its accounts causing one to bypass the thought process of one's consequences of actions. In the end someone else's egos get hurt, and it won't be long until God wants one to have a taste of what's it like to have one's own egos burst.

I think it's almost time to seek solitude.

TAGGED on WEIRD (by Anem)

RULES: People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. This one I picked up the earlier years in med school. Instead of saying my/one's/the/this, I use you/your whenever I explain something. For example, back in pre-clinical years when I had the anatomy oral on Fridays when the lecturer asked (while handling me a bone), "Tell me about this bone; what is it and where are the anatomical positions of the other related structures and what are they?" My typical answer would be something like this (while holding the bone in my hand and pointing at the spesific sites when explaining), "This is a humerus. You would have your radial nerve running in the radial groove and your ulnar nerve on your medial condyle. Prolonged compression of the radial nerve would leave you having what's called the 'Saturday night palsy' and you'd ended up having a wrist drop". Then the lecturer (especially the non-Caucasian ones) would sometimes answer me, "Firstly, that is neither my bone nor my radial and ulnar nerves, but secondly, you are correct." He he..

2. I have my very own superstitious beliefs. I know I always laugh at my mom's very odd superstitions, but I couldn't help myself to keep some of mine, secretly sometimes. Things like, "Oh God my tudung feels so wrong today, something bad is happening I know!" and I keep the best pair of socks to be worn on the best predicted day of the week believing it would make a difference if I don't. But nothing seriously related to the religion and also not on scientifically explainable stuff, not like Izzy Steven's corrupted belief when she said "Sometimes I would eat the butter when other people don't see and actually believe that the calories don't count that way." I'm a people of science, sorry. Though my mom's top of the list superstitions still get me smiling stupidly on my own sometimes, like when I complaint about the blisters on my feet after wearing the new pair of shoes she'd say, "Itula lain kali sebelum pakai kasut baru kene gigit dulu kasut tu pastu cakap kuat2 - sebelum engkau gigit aku, baik aku gigit engkau dulu.." Ha ha ha.. I love you lar Mak..

3. I relate the thing that's happening around me to songs. Whenever my friend tells me about her problems with her boyfriend, I would sing to her, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that baddd, if it makes you happy, then what the heck are you so saddd.. (Sheryl Crow)" I know I know not the best advice. I sometimes just sing that slowly in my heart just in case. And when it rains outside I'd definitely go, "Kiss the raiiiinnnn, whenever you miss me..Kiss the raaiinn, whenever I'm gone too long..(Billie Myers)" and suddenly thunder strikes and I quickly tune in to, "Thunder only happens when it's raining, players only love you when they're playing..(The Coors)". I don't think you wanna hear more example. Not going down that boyband stuff etc etc.

4. I relate people's face to celebrities or famous figures. So in the hospital we actually have Dr Steve Martin (I think he's a Prof now- a gastroenterologist anyway, and a great one!), Prof Horatio (from CSI Miami) who's a really smooth guy that made one of my Arab girlfriends crazy about him day and night (this is really fell in love not like my monkey love on every other mildly smart-looking-and-nice male doctors who said Hi to me on the wards), and then Mr Jack (from Lost), my bone surgeon during my orthopaedics rotation; and more people and celebrities on the list..

5. On certain issues, I don't like what the majorities love. So instead of Dato' Siti Nurhaliza I prefer Dayang Nurfaezah. Instead of purple or blue I like orange or green. Unless the quality is rather unequivocal. My theory says something like this. When you love eating this cake but you know you can only savour a tiny piece of it coz there's hundreds of people sharing the same likeness as yours. You lose interest on it in the end. Korang mesti cakap tamaknya budak ni..haha..this is just one of my eccentric metaphors I use. Don't be too bothered about it.

6. Albeit my strongest soft skills being facial recognitions and remembering scripts/lyrics/dialogues, I pretty suck in directions and my sense of time and space. Wait till you see me giving you directions like pegi kanan while my hand pointing kiri. One time I was passing the Cyberjaya area and saw a big sign saying Taman Putra Perdana and got excited thinking that I'm pretty closed to my sister's house. Later I found out that the sign I saw was directing towards a real taman as in a garden not my sister's taman perumahan which was actually in Puchong! See how I don't make sense of the space? Though I've actually improved a bit I must say on my directions, a tiny bit! But don't even start on my sense of time..

I think we all have our weirdness in a way or two. That makes each of us unique. As long as we don't go against our natural rules I think we're fine. Be a bit different but not so eccentric.

My tags go out to: Niesa Yasir, Niesa Rashid, Ika, Hani, Ili if you're reading this (and drop me a link) and K.Syu. Feel free to do at your own leisure time. Sekian, I gotta read the book.

what the future may behold (we actually don't know)

We chatted about the gruelling life as an intern at lunchtime. Funny that we used to avoid discussing about the final exams, the day when the result comes out or the hard life of an intern, not especially at lunchtime. OK maybe sometimes we bragged a bit about the graduation day but it won't be long until the next topic in line being opened up - internship, what else? Considering how close we are to the actual exam date it feels so surreal, we managed to swallow the future truth of our career, no matter how bitter it tasted in our mouths talking about it. A lot of "first day on-call" stories were told, and some other incidents that happened to the current intern friends that raised some red flags in our heads, what exactly are we getting ourselves into now?

My teacher used to say what his father told him, "There's only 2 jobs you should do; a doctor or a teacher. One of these 2 careers will make you a true giver."

He ended up being a teacher when his first account with real blood caused him to faint.

I have always wanted to do this, never a single doubt about it. I remember I was in Form 3 when my 2 mates and I decided that we will do medicine in college. One weekend we were hanging out in Bilik Kerjaya near the canteen which was opened for the visitors, there was this one pakcik came in and took a prospectus of one of the universities in Canada in his hands. We chatted with him and got to know that his son was at that time studying there. Being the pathetic and lame students from an all-girls school, we decided that we're gonna do medicine, in Canada! Though we knew all along that people from our country rarely got sent there to do medicine, but whatever, that nice uncle's son is in Canada was all that mattered! He he..

And not month after that I discovered about this college called RCSI and vowed myself to go there to fulfill my passions and dreams. God works in a very mysterious and meticulous way, alhamdulillah here I am now..

So I wonder in 5 months' time would these passions still burning on the nights when I'll be alone on the wards with my post-operative patient is heavily vomiting bloods and crashing down his life, or the times when I have to work for 48 hours non-stop, or when after giving a wrong dose of medication has caused the patient to go into coma; like they used to happen to the junior doctors starting off their careers, in the usual frightening way?

They said with great power comes great responsibilities. Hmm..

At the end of the conversations my friend ruined the builded tension by saying, "At that time can I just vomit my stomach contents out and then say in a Meredith kinda way - "You (paused) have got (paused) to be kidding me.." (in Meredith's raspy possum-like voice)

To end this, here's a clip from my favourite show with my favourite song and a useful quote at the end of it. To my fellow student doctors - we'll make our way through this inshaAllah!

warning: make sure you read this on an empty stomach

First of all, my heartiest congratulations to Anem on your PINK engagement!! Can't say more but the colour suits you very well indeed. Like I said, though the distance of our house is like 'sekangkang kera', still I couldn't make it on your day. InshaAllah will try to be there on your big day ok, till then just keep the stories hot!

So my somebody's-fiancee-already friend had the time to do this just one day before her big day and tagged me on that. I supposed she must've had butterflies in her stomach and used this highly self-acclaimed technique to get over it. I'm damned sure it worked, like it did on me. Ha ha ha (euphoric laughs).

Here they go. Have a bucket or anything by your side if you've just had a big meal. Don't say I din warn you.

So the first attempt was my last potrait taken when I went to Istanbul in December. 7 out of 8 celebs turned out to be koreans/japanese/chinese. Those are attributed to my late maternal atuk who was a Chinese Muslim in Bukit Cina in Melaka. Nuff said.

I tried few more potraits that resulted in almost the same people. Boring... So this second one is a bit different I supposed. That was my potrait during Summer 2005 before embarking on a flight to Acheh.

2 attempts with the same celeb: Liya Kebede, an Ethiopian Supermodel. Keh keh keh (more euphoria..)

Oh God I should've just spent the last 30 minutes reading on cerebral palsy or cystic fibrosis instead but this fun is totally worth it..Har har har (elated now..)

dazed is mentally confused

He came in thru the door. "Hey.."

"Hey.." She leaned against the wall, giving way. "Where were you in the morning?" to start the conversations with.

"Owh I was..well..I decided not to tell you. It's a secret.." Cheeky face while messing the thumbtacks on the softboard.

"Ah haa..so it's a new thing not to tell me things haa.." She was in the game.

"Ok ok..I was in the clinic..but not telling you which one though.." Geeky smile, he was so in too.

"Oh don't be, I knew already!" Not buying the offer.

"Hahaa.." Surrended.

"Was it any good?" Serious conversation now. Educational.

"Owh it was ok, as usual.." As usual yer right. He's a brilliant chap everyone knows that.

* * *

Some people just get confused with flirtatious remarks, bestest mates and serious lifelong agreement.

May God show them the true path.

when sickness talks

Prof has mentioned that 1/3 of the class will get sick from the floating viruses from the infected kids in the hospital. I succumbed to it on the 4th day being in. Lembik nye aku nye immunity.

First the sore throat then the myalgia and the temperature. Green phlegm and everything. Today the enteritis started, everything kept down through the throat came out through the backpassage minutes later. Eating was merely just for the sake of avoiding dehydration and starvation, the nikmat is already gone from the anosmia.

Couldn't do much studies, I went out to watch tv. 30 minutes of My Super Sweet Sixteen made me wanna puke evenmore. Sudahla virus2 ni menggeletek perutku, tgk spoilt brats ni lagi terasa nak muntah hijau. I prevented myself to do so, tak baik membazir nasi dgn ayam sup yg baru mkn tadi. Not like I spent a 2000usd on a dress or anything. Heh.

Funny thing was I've been taking Anadin which is Paracetamol. I noticed my eyes went puffy each time I got up from the sleep after the pills. I found out that I am actually allergic to simple Anadin too. OK from now on it'll only be Paracetamol jenama Panadol and nothing else. Gile la mengada immune system aku ni. So I was actually getting worse in the midst of trying to get better. Makan ubat nak baik tapi last2 lagi teruk sbb allergic reaction. Twisted, even my immunity is putar alam jugak.

I don't know whether I'll pass the quality control to attend the classes tomorrow. Jumaat dah ponteng. Missing the kids, tho they were the ones who got me into this mess. I don't really care.

p/s: Thinking about the uncertain future stimulated my gag reflex evenmore..haduih..

the unconditional love

I remember being in a Nephrology clinic one afternoon. The consultant came and gave a thick chart to me. "I want you to see this lady with a very sad background story. She had an accident few years ago and went into coma for a long time. She has peripheral vascular disease and subsequently had one of her leg amputated. She's also blind in one eye from the accident. Her GP sent her coz her Creatinine was over the roof. She's also complaining of pain in her toes which sounded like gout. I think in due time she needs to be on dialysis coz her kidneys are failing."

So I went out to the waiting area and called the name. Came this lady with a guy pushing her on the wheelchair. They're in their late 30's but she looked aged, maybe from her health problems. Her husband on the other hand appeared smart. Moderate. I greeted her and briefly introduced myself. We went into one of the rooms.

I was ready for any 'sad' story my consultant was saying.

No doubt she was in pain from the gout. And she didn't look so well. I suspected she developed a lot of complications from being sedentary having one leg and one eye, she prolly has underlying heart disease God knows. But somehow I could sense that she's happy. Very happy. From the stories she said how her husband helped her in a lot of stuff and has been putting up with her in difficult times. When I was about to look at her toes the husband bent down and gently removed the one shoe that she wore. The joint on big toe was swollen and tender. Other than that she also had some kind of evident peripheral vascular disease. The leg didn't look good.

The consultant came and I presented her case. He had a brief talk with her, having to know the patient for few years now. He asked whether she was OK with the possibility of going to dialysis soon. And also the big decision of another leg amputation if symptoms persist. If I were her I would've call it some way of sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga (mungkin lampu yg nak dipasang tu kemudian jatuh pecah atas badanku). She was surprisingly calm by the news. Her husband too, holding her shoulders tightly. I knew it there and then from the gesture that she had the rock solid support from someone that love her, that actually shielded her from any fear for what future may be. After a good discussion they agreed to come in at the suggested time to have an AV fistula performed on her arm for the dialysis. Then the husband gently put on the shoe back on her one foot and tied the lace. They went home right after.

Leaving me with a lot of questions on life and love.

How can someone love you so much that it doesn't bother him that you are not pretty?
How can someone love you so much that he's ok that you only have one leg, and about to lose another one soon?
How can someone love you so much that he's able to agree that you'll be in the hospital 3 times a week for few hours to have your bloods filtered, prolly for life if transplant does't happen?
How can someone love you so much when you are blind in one eye?
How can someone love you so much while he's still young and has a lot of other potentials, but still stick with his sad sad wife who's not even as pretty as she used to be and just have a crappy life? Period.

Ain't it strange how love works?

You met a guy and got married. Suddenly God wanted to test you and shit happened. But you turned up to be fine. Just fine. Coz this stranger you met once who got married to you is there for every difficult times you had.

I know when you say the unconditional love your parents show you, coz you're their blood and breed. What about this stranger that came into your life half-way through. How does that one work?

Probably for me it's more to ask would that one ever gonna work for me (if things occur)?

p/s: just on the side note to you who's speculating, i'm not in love or anything..

baby boom

In the dark hall we sat while Prof clicking the hand remote for the carousel slide projector. Pictures of kids and babies were projected on the white wall ahead of us. He stopped at this one photo. He was a plump baby sitting sideway facing to the side. Cute.

"Now what do you see here?"

Students mumbling in moderate tone, "bla bla..picture..mm..baby boy..bla bla..healthy.."

"Yeah he's a healthy looking baby boy, happy, and in no obvious distress. So anything wrong with him?"

"bla bla..increase BMI..bla bla.."

"Yeah. You can see there." (using a red laser pointer to point out) "His breasts are a bit prominent aren't they? Now is that normal in a baby at his age? Or shall I ask is that normal in a baby boy like him?"

"mmnn..normal yeah..bla bla..oestrogen..maternal..mm"

"That's true. The effect of maternal oestrogen in utero can cause babies to be born with breast tissues. It is normal and you will have to answer the maternal anxiety."

Pause

"I had a case when a grandmother came knocking on my door at night asking - Doctor, will my grandson become a homo when he grows up??!"

Laughs.


p/s: in true love with paeds