Monday, May 31, 2004

Monday Blues

i woke up really really late today, 6.50 am, the time when i usually already outside at the Camden St waiting for the bus to go to Dame St to switch for another bus to Blanchardstown. and today is Monday, the earliest class begins at quarter-to-eight every Monday. i didn't have any chance to eat anything, and i chose the simplest outfit that doesn't need to be ironed. gosh i was running the whole way to bus stop, and i nearly missed the second bus (number 39) at Dame St, luckily the bus driver saw me crossing the road and trying to stop the bus.

and today also, my parents went to Madinah to perform their 2nd Umrah, inshaAllah. it was always their intention to go back there again, especially after Abah retired from work, and alhamdulillah Allah showed them the way now. it was quite a sudden decision, and luckily they got some helps from some friends that made their way much more easy, with the VISAs, the accomodations and the living arrangements there. the plan was to call them before i went out from home this morning but as i was so late, i only called them using my mobile in the bus. it was very limited the time i had to talk with them, but it was OK, i send my prayers for them hoping that with every little steps they're taking, they'll always be under His guidance and His love. ameen.

so i won't be hearing Mak's or Abah's voice for another week or two. that's depressing.

Mak said " Acu nak Mak doakan apa? Cepat kasitau Mak.."
doakan Acu berjaya dalam hidup dan Mak and Abah dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki utk rasa "hasil tangan" Acu..inshaAllah

Abah said "Acu ada duit tak, kalau takde cakap sebelum Abah ngan Mak pegi ni ye"
I nearly cried. I'm doing fine Abah, don't u worry about me

I said "Jaga diri baik-baik. Ckp kat abah jgn makan kambing byk sgt dekat sana. nanti kene darah tinggi."

gosh i really can't wait to be home.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

B.U.S.Y

i never imagined i'll be this occupied and this tired in life that if i put my head on this table now, i'll passed out till someone wake me up again (this happened to me yesterday in Beaumont Library, i was just resting my tired head on the study table and out of the sudden i felt someone was shaking me hard on my shoulder. i looked at the time, and i realized that i 'lost my consciousness' for nearly about an hour, thank God Ailani was there to wake me up)

been a while since i write something here, the last entry i made was during my first day in JCMH and now i'm approaching my third week there. i'm currently in the medical team and next week (the third week) i'm going to be in my surgical team. moments i waited for a long time, i'm gonna be in OT( operation theatre) soon!! though i don't think i'm gonna be a surgeon, it'll be so cool to see the whole surgical procedure with my naked eyes.

and for the past a week and 4 days in JCMH,

initially i didn't really like the whole situations over there. there seems like a very serious hospital environment there, not like in Beaumont Hosp where there's a lot more people in there, and i don't get the chance to spend more time in JCMH as i have to go back to Beaumont in the afternoon for the lectures, we all have to. like students in Beaumont, they've got the chance to go see the patients in the evening after lectures or during free times between the classes, and us, we only have that on thursdays and fridays only (the only 2 days we're gonna be in JCMH for the whole day). secondly, i was having a very stressful episodes with my teammates, God THEY ARE TOO SMART that left me behind, trying to catch every little things that they're talking about. there was a day when i was so stressed that it killed my mood to go to the wards or to do anything particularly with them.

but slowly i'm kind of getting used to it i think. there's just simply a day u feel that u are so stupid, and there is another that u are on top of everyone. that's life! and i think i'm improving my communication skills with the patients now, thank God i have an Irish lad in my group, she tells me everything about general stuff that usually goes in Ireland, what u shouldn't be saying in front of the patient, and which better way u can use to rephrase the words that u are trying to say. coz different cultures have different thoughts on certain things like alcohol and diseases, so i try not to be offensive when asking the patients of these things. and one great finding that was initially brought on by Mary (the Irish girl)

"u know that Malaysians are quite popular here in Ireland. Back in my place there's two M'sians living there and everyone just love them!"

and today when i was in Geriatric Ward meeting this old man with stroke, the first thing that came out from his mouth when he knew i was from Malaysia was

"oh i love Malaysians! i was in Kuala Lumpur playing musical instruments there many years ago and i had a very warmth welcome and a very pleasant stay over there. Malaysians are just fabulous!"

at that time Mary was giving me the i-told-you look. that man was so delighted and he mentioned a name of a doctor that he met when he was in KL, saying that that doctor brought him to his house and brought him around KL and met with his friends. hmm nice remarks!

and this evening i've got the chance to see OGD (oesophageo-gastro-duodenoscopy? er btul ka?) and colonoscopy (basically what they do is they put a small tube with an optic camera at the end of it into your body passages, like thru your anus for colonoscopy and thru mouth to stomach to duodenum for OGD, and they'll be looking for any abnormalities inside, or they'll be taking a sample of the inner lining of the gut or the anus for histology, culture, or any kind of investigations). real cool experience. last week i had the chance to see angiogram in Beaumont, and i'm looking forward to see more procedures like that. it's kind of boring with the patients as my team is attached to an endocrinology wards and doctors, so basically for the whole week last week i saw diabetes patients, one after another, both Type I and Type II, with many range of complications, from the smallest ulcers to the really unimaginable ones, and now i'm kind of sick of seeing any diabetes patients! (that was why i made my way to geriatric ward today, please, no diabetes patients anymore!)

Mohamad said "last Thursday in the out-patient department i saw 4 diabetes patients, one after another, why is it so many people in Ireland have diabetes??what's wrong with them?"

and Mary was there, haha, giving the shocking look at Mohammad, coudn't believe that he actually said that in front of her. i just laughed my lungs out. he is the kind of man that's usually doesn't realize the things he's saying are some kind of offensive for certain people.

****
text msg for the day is from Ola (she used Abah's mobile, kedekut gile)

"askum cu, akak tadi beli cd shrek 2, skg ni kt umah Udin jap agi balik..wei hadiah akak dah prepare?..hehe"

gilo i have to buy a lot of things for Mak, Along and Ola, er also K.Ina (Udin's wife, my sis in law) before going back, and something for Abah also. luckily i've bought something for Adik and Udin, and nice shirts for Akib (kene beli pedang star wars jugak kat dia ni, dah TERjanji). also baby stuff for Udin's new baby due this august (yey another nephew/niece!). mane nak korek duit???

(thinking of what they've done to me, it doesn't really matter if i have to starve myself for some money)


Monday, May 17, 2004

good headstart, thank Him

first day in JCMH, Blanchardstown

my new teammates are Mary (an Irish girl), Kristen (a Norwaygean) and Mohammad (a Kuwaiti guy). i think we make a good team, and they're all so good with the patients and so much well-informed, which is quite a challenge for me to participate in each discussion. surprise surprise i am the shortest amongst them, and it's hard being the shortest as i couldn't establish a very good eye contacts with our very own intern (Dr. Doreen) and them. we saw 3 patients today, and they were all came in different interesting cases. i learnt some new devices at the side of the patients' bed, and i had the chance to do an auscultation to this very old lady with respiratory problems, and for the first time i heard real crepitations and crackles in someone's lungs. cool. dgn lafaz bismilLah aku rasmikan stetoskop baru aku yg kaler carribean blue tu :)

went back to Beaumont Hosp at quarter-to-twelve, and it was indeed a very tiring day. i figured out that on mondays i'll be having so many things for the whole day. gonna have to be in JCMH by 7.45am (can u believe it? i have to get the bus as early as 6.30am), i'll be having tutorial/ward rounds there every monday (and friday too) and after going back to Beaumont in the afternoon, i'll be having a lecture, CPC and tutorial for the whole evening till 5pm straight. be strong, or i'll lose in this game of life.

Rehab said "i will miss seeing you in Beaumont shu"..
yeah rite, as if u don't see me in the afternoon
but it's good to have someone missing you..hehe

Ghani said "penat giler dari pagi smpi petang. intern pun tak penat macam ni, dahla dapat gaji. kita ni tak dpt apa2"
painfully true

and Azri said " kita dapat ilmu"
dgn nada poyo

hehe me and ghani gelak besar. sejak bile azri sesuci itu. hehe

Saturday, May 15, 2004

5 minutes more

scratch scratch

Backgroud music: Muse- Time Is Running Out (yes MY time is running out, byk lagha)
Venue: Mercer Library

floating, i'm floating, not stepping on the ground. i hate this feeling, when my mixed-emotional phase kicks in. i want to study, yet i need some relaxations. i want to eat nice food yet i never define what's 'nice' to me (lately i lost my appetite to lots of food). i need someone to comfort me yet i don't know who (i'm badly need some companies, i have many friends yet i have none, i really really miss my friends back home)

+ i'm going to James Connoly Memorial Hosp in Blanchardstown starting this monday, and i never knew how to get there
+ i'm going to a hiking trip with my friends this coming weekend, and i don't even know the name of that place

end now. have to work out my badly-drained energy in the gym.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Monday, 10 May 04

***
Location: PDA
Venue: Accident & Emergency Dept. Beaumont Hosp

1.15pm: took 1 tablet of Ibuprofen 400g, immediately: puffy face, itchy eyes, small swellings all over eyes, redness all over the face

around 1.30pm: went to A&E, accompanied by Aida, registered and about 15 minutes later I was called in. At this time, massive swellings all over eyes, I could barely see people around me, only sounds heard

Later, (at this time I've already lost my sense of time), the nurse took my BP and pulse while taking my history, then he brought me inside, got me a chair to sit. I waited for a while and moments later a nice lady Doctor came and asked me some questions, while the nurse stuck a needle at the dorsum of my left hand to initiate a passage for him to put drugs thru it. My soft palate and throat were a bit swollen at that time, and the swellings around my eyes worsen with fluids weeping out of them.

The doctor came back to take my past medical history and later she gave me two injections of clear fluids (I suggest that would be Hydrocortisone) and one yellow tablet, an anti-histamine I guess (looks like a Piriton tablet) and she left me alone on this seat, telling me I had to stay here for a while for them to monitor my progress. Did I mentioned that few minutes after I was injected with the drugs, I could really feel the movement of the drugs thru my veins, to my trunk obviously going towards the heart and at that time I felt really sick and I felt like vomiting. I kept telling myself not to make things worst and tried to fight the feelings and be strong.

At that time I started writing these things on my PDA, just to keep myself occupied. I was then interrupted by few nurses that happened to be passing by me, asking me if I needed anything and that lady doctor came once or twice asking me how was I doing. Then, another nurse came, introduced herself (Dorothy, or Patricia, I was so lost in space, I didn't get het name) and asked if she could take my BP and pulse once again, and later she left the device they use on my digit to monitor my pulse, HR and might be my oxygen level also (I forgot the name, is it pulse oximeter?) and left me alone again. While waiting I could feel that the swelling at the back of my throat was a bit reduced and I could breathe a lot more easy.

***
I stopped there when my PDA’s battery went out. Left me unoccupied, drowsy (side effect of the anti-histamine) and boring. I couldn’t really remember the events that happened after that in the chronological order. And yes the lady nurse’s name was Olivia, now I remember it. She asked me to follow her coz she needed to give me one shot of a drug. She took me to the toilet, and injected me at my left thigh (one fact about me: I’m kind of immune to needle sticks, I could bear most needle stick that penetrates thru me, coz I had the worst one before). And did I mention that the whole time I was there in that ward initially, I couldn’t really see anyone that was talking to me, even the doctors or the nurses, my eyes were severely swollen that I had to lift up my upper eyelid to see. So what I did was I recognized the shoes of people that was talking to me, so when someone stopped in front of me, I checked on his shoes, if they were the ones that I recognized then only I lifted up my head and struggled to see who it was.

I got phone calls from my friends; Yani, Shikin and Aida, asking me how was I doing. And also many text messages from other friends; Ean, Ailani (Ai was so scared, she was the one who gave me the Ibuprofen (Nurofen) that I took after my lunch. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, this kind of things happen whether you like it or not). Many thanks for those who sent their thoughts and concerns, really appreciate them a lot.

As I couldn’t see, I tried to open up my ears to make myself noticed what was happening around me. Behind me there was an old lady screaming when a doctor tried to take her blood, I pitied the doctor. From his accent, I figured out he wasn’t a local Irishman, and it was proven true as when he tried to bring the old lady to chat with him, he said he’s from Jordan. It was so pro of him to do what he did, after a while the lady was calmed by him, and he managed to take the blood needed from her veins. And I also noticed one lady doctor who wore a scarf, not really a proper hijab, but clear enough to show that she’s a Muslim. I was amazed by her accent, she was so fluent and she has that sort of Irish conversation with the patients, and that really helped her to get the patients to be comfortable with her and eased her job in treating her patients. I wonder does that one comes with practises or was it her natural brilliant tongue. I guess if u want to be a good doctor in Ireland u just have to catch that kind of slang.

Another thing that I found to be true that was taught in the last Patient Centred Communication lecture was: most Irish like to find common ground with the one they’re talking to. This lady who was sitting beside me, she asked about the place of origin of most people that happened to pass beside her, even the nurses and the doctors, and when she did, she asked whether they knew this and that person who lives there. Luckily my eyes were badly swollen that I never made any eye contact with anyone. J and did I mention that I had a glimpse of my reflection on the screen of my PDA, gosh I looked like a monster with ballooned face, or better to be a Japanese lady who’s been punched at her eyes. Luckily again there were no children there, or they’ll be crying seeing my monstrous face.

I was starving, I just knew that the shot I got at my thigh was adrenaline, which gave me the starvation. There was a man who came with a trolley of food and drinks, asking me whether I wanted to eat bread and sausages if I’m not mistaken. I asked him did he have anything for vegetarian, but I didn’t think he had any, so I refused his offers. He did offer me tea or anything else, and again I refused them all. I could hardly see anything so how was I going to feed myself. At that particular time, the emotions were unbearable. U know, u being sick like that, and hungrier as u never eat, and u simply cannot eat because u couldn’t see the food, and there was no one there to accompany and feed u. But I kept telling myself to be strong, this is like the tiniest thing compared to that poor man over there on the ventilator machine, or even this man beside me who had been sitting on his chair for the past 24 hours straight without any sleep, and thousands of times smaller than what my friend Cill had been going through (keep on surviving Cill, and keep on inspiring people with your true strength).

So I grabbed anything from the front zip of my bag, pieces of chocolates that I didn’t finish eating and ate them all to give me the sugar rush. Moments later Aida, Ean and Ailani came in the ward to visit me. I was so delighted to see them, and they were so shocked to see my face. By that time the swellings were a bit lessen and I can open my eyes a bit without having to retract ‘em using my fingers.

Memangla muka ko macam Jepun kene tumbuk, sepet gile..
Diana kirim salam ‘Goldfish’. Masa aku hantar ko kat counter tadi last time aku tgk ko before aku pusing aku nampak ko macam goldfish, muke merah pastu mata bengkak gila.. (Aida)

I laughed. At least I still had someone to make me. Ailani gave me my favourite crisp, Ripples as her condolences and Ean asked me whether she could get me anything. They were all sorry of me. I personally asked them to go back first and don’t be bothered to wait for me, saying that I could manage this on my own. But yeah deep down inside I actually hoped for someone to be there with me. But I knew I didn’t have anyone that close to me here in Dublin that I dare to ruin her evening to accompany me here in the ward. Many friends, yeah, but a close one, no. I just have to live with that, I guess, though it seems so hard on me.

The evening crawled so slowly, I managed to keep myself occupied with some lecture notes (yes, I’m a nerd). I asked Olivia how much longer do I had to be there and she said maybe another couple of hours as she had to monitor my swelling. Until one doctor came, checking on my eyes and he said that he just need to give me another shot of Hydrocortisone and he also had to give me Nebulizer to clear my airways. So at 2100 hours I was on Nebulizer (my first experience of this) and later he came to give me the shot. Then, he gave me the prescription note and told me I can go back after the Nebulizer supply stopped. I managed to tell one nurse when it finally stopped and she got the IV infusion line off my hand. I was then ready to go back home at about 2115 hours.

It was funny as I was wearing this nice classy shades (Oyah’s) to hide my still swollen eyes all the way back home though it was already dark outside. Luckily there weren’t many people out on the street at that time. (tak pasal kene chop gile). Reaching home, I ate my dinner and ready for bed. Faha had her gala time laughing at my funny face and snap few photos. (cheh). I got text messages from Ailani, Ean and Aida later asking me whether I was home already or not. At that time the emotions poured out, I couldn’t bear them anymore. You know it’s funny how this simple thing gives u the chance to evaluate people, who’s a friend and who’s not, and who’s a friend friend and who’s a caring friend. Who’s a friend who just have fun with u and who’s a friend who worries for u when u got sick.

And before going to bed I let it all out of me. Old memories came back to me, making my swollen eyes to a no better condition. I could clearly remember how Asilah ran to my room back in KC when she knew that I got sick (me and the whole gang got terribly sick of food poisoning, Asilah and Syida was the only survivors). How she told me stories of her having a fight with the makcik kantin who refused to cook porridge for us, and how Syida patiently fed us the porridge when we lost our appetite on food and nearly dehydrated, and how they called our parents telling them that we got sick, and how they went to our rooms checking for our conditions each time after their classes finished. Gosh I missed those times when u left with friends that cared for u that much, that u felt like they are the friends u’ll never had again in life. And it is true, they are. I miss them so much that my heart aches from it.

Tuhan, Kau limpahi kasih sayangMu ke atas sahabat sahabatku yang mengasihiMu dan mengasihi hubungan yang terjalin keranaMu..

Thursday, May 13, 2004

5 minutes

scratch scratch

i had an anaphylaxis reaction last monday, when i least expected it. i'll be telling the whole story about this maybe on my next one as i have it half in my PDA and i haven't transfer it yet to my laptop. like one once said to me, every mistake is an opportunity to learn, i made a mistake of taking the wrong drug, and i learnt lots of things out of it. later.

today the PBL (Problem Based Learning) circulated on the MMR vaccine, child abuse and CIRCUMSITION. yes the latter was the most controversial one, but MMR vaccine was quite an interesting topic too. i've got the chance to explain how things work in M'sia on circumsition, and it was shocking how little people know on this stuff. yes it's true that when it comes to religion, people are kind of reluctant to be sharing these kind of stuff, left many people to be confused and assumptived.

now my special attribute to a friend who's in Ohio, Siti Ainun Nisa Ahmad Yasir, i wish u a very happy (belated) birthday! may u find all the happiness life can bring and may u be under God's blessings always. she's a friend from high-school, a very small lad with a huge spirit. keep on going girl.

end now



Friday, May 07, 2004

ujian nikmat

this week is quite a hectic one for many, but a moderate one i say for me.

monday was a May bank holiday, which i didn't do quite much, just went to the library, fooling around on the net, go back later in the evening, watched Scrubs and there went the day.

tuesday was an interesting day for me, my tutorial group had our Video Sessions for Communication Skills subject done. basically what each and everyone of us did was a mock consultation with a simulated patient with different given cases= diabetes, cholesterol and smoking, for about 6 minutes. after all of us finished doing our task, we were divided into small group and they showed us the recording they did on us while we were doing the consultation. i got the smoking patient, the case was she didn't want to quit smoking at the first place but her boyfriend asked her to came see me, saying that she'll be treated with dinner if she did. haha wanna know wut happened? i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw the tape (apart from the shame to other groupmates), it was simply unbelievable how this session works. u know when u thought u did well enuff, seeing urself back again on tv really got u into thinking, man how could i do that??

btw what i (the group also) discovered about MY session was,

a) i happened to build up a very very good rapport with the patient, but i personally think i OVERDID it..i had a very good chat with her (we were laughing and all..dammit how does that comes out??)
b) Amrit said "I think she is more like a very good friend to the patient"
c) i didn't make a brief summary of the things i said to the patient at the end of the session
d) the GP (general practitioner/doctor) said "I think u did very good, but u've got to have that barrier btwn a doctor and a patient, u know"
e) i happened to not showing my professionalism as a doctor
f) it's good to make a comfortable chat with a patient, but it depends on the agenda u've wanted to carry out, if it is a serious one then u cannot be laughing around with patient don't u?

but overall it was a very good experience. man it's really awkward to see urself on TV isn't it? btw we created a very good bond between the group members also (gooo A2!!). we went to the cafe and drank our cup of coffee while waiting for the review session, we had a very good chat (my first time chatting with a whole very diversity group of people over a cup of coffee- m'sian, s'porean, norwaygean, bahrain, india, US, dubliners) and most agreed that we like it to be in this group. most of us are going to the same hospital for this term (James Conolly Memorial Hospital in Blanchardstown), starting next 2 weeks ahead till summer hols. hopefully we can help each other over when we go to that hospital.

WEDNESDAY was THAA DAYY!! 2 things u can claim if u're a student of RCSI, one during ur first week in college= Apple Macintosh iBook, and the second one in your third medical year= PDAs, palm pilot or wutever they call it..yeah i got mine on wednesday, it's a Tungsten T3 Palmtop..and now i'm totally in love with it..though i'm not that kind of genius in this whole technology stuff, but yeah i found this thing to be sooo much useful..wouldn't u be looking so classy when u're presenting in front of the class without any paper on your hands, and u don't even need to use acetates or powerpoint presentation, just beam the files or send it via bluetooth to the whole class, 10 seconds just what it takes! and the fun is there also, yesterday i played monopoly with Sarinda (a friend from Sri Lanka) on the bus on our way home, on our very own seats--halfway and his battery went out, so i won! :p not to mentioned other games that were downloaded from the net that i am so much addicted to now. last nite i played while watching Friends, ER and Survivor back to back till i realized that it was past midnite already. gosh this thing's poisonous..ujian nikmat..see how long does the sweetness'll last?

thursday was another interesting day..i had my sign up session for Scrubbing (i thot of JD and Turk while doing this, Turk esp, he's a surgeon so he must be doing this thing all the time..hehe..poisoned mind like me)..on looking at the namelist, at 1st i thot i was the only girl in that group of 6, fuhh luckily there was another girl, Chanud (sigh!) i had all preparations done, for going into surgery everything must be sterile, so i thot they wouldn't let me wearing my hijab while doing the scrubbing (btw scrubbing is wut u do before going into operation theatre, to get rid of every germs, make urself very sterile, so u won't give any harm to the patient on surgery). i tried to wear a turtleneck tshirt inside the shirt i'm wearing to cover my neck obviously, but i couldn't find one so i just wear a usual baby-T shirt inside with collar, praying that i wouldn't have to take off my hijab. gratefully, the person in charged didn't say anything about my hijab before the session began (i was about to beg to her, saying that in M'sia the hospitals provide a sterile hijab to lady surgeon, which obviously doesn't really potray the real general situation in M'sia..hehe, sometimes u just have to lie)

so it went great!!i learn all the steps very well, from wearing the apron, mask, and cap, to washing the hands and arms, till the gowning part. and there was this Arab guy who was kind enuff to facilitate me all the way thru (i was the last one to do, and i had to do it alone while others do it by pairs). though a bit ashamed to show my not-so-good-looking bare hands and arms, it was all part of a learning experience where u can't really run away from it.

going back home later in the evening, thursday was the late-nite shopping for people in dublin where the shops close a bit later than usual (usual close time 5/6 pm). so i decided to walk along the Henry St, searching for something that i was not so sure myself. then i remembered i wanted to buy DVDs as they're on massive sale now, so i went to HMV, Golden Disc and Virgin Megastore. my target was to buy Top Gun and Ghost (Patrick Swayze n Demi Moore, that romantic story) but i turn out to buy the 4 CDs Extended Version of LOTR: Fellowship of The Rings and also I'view with Vampire. gilo, that costs me way much than my actual budget. now i'm thinking of returning them.

and today, nothing much happened, i was awaken by Yani asking me whether i'm going to the 9am lecture, which i totally forgotten at first. so i went, many people didn't came for it, nvm it's their business, and here i am now in the Beaumont Library writing this whole stuff. have to stop now, i've got 2 pathology lectures in the afternoon.

"sometimes i think u talk just to make sounds"