of contemplating
On Thursday (my birthday) I arrived in the hospital at 6.45 in the morning. (What a great way to start celebrating your birthday like that). That day the students in the main general surgeons' teams had to present their patients on the dry rounds. So lucky me, I was one of them. I came to the 7 am ward rounds, got the patients' updates; vital signs, feeding, input output, drains, etc, all checked. I had 3 patients under me who were in different wards. So I had to run to these 3 different places to check them, and then ran to the lecture theater for the surgical grand rounds afterwards.
Just when I was about to finish my updates I noticed that my small cards were gone, the small cards that I jotted down my patients' details, they were all gone!! How could I be so careless. I started panicking, this won't be good I thought. I literally had to trail back my footsteps for the past hour, from the lower ground floor ICU to the 4th floor. I started panicking really bad. It was the patients' confidential details and also the lines I was going to say in front of prof's face that I worried about. And in that desperate moment I wouldn't be able to think about reconstructing new lines for my presentation. I had to find the papers, oh God the hospital is so big and those papers are so small, and I only have a little time left before the dry rounds began! That moment I knew I was in total hopelessness. I didn't know who to ask help from and what to do. I knew I ONLY had HIM.
I started saying istighfars and asked help from Allah swt. If I had to vote for one moment that I was absolutely powerless, it had to be that one. It felt like I had nothing around me, and only strings attached to my limbs straight to the sky above. Like the string doll. Waiting for my master to move me. I uttered more istighfars. I knew I didn't put my best performance as a muslim lately. I repented and repented more. I moved my feet to the stairs and went to the ICU. Hanged the whitecoat and got into the plastic apron. Searched for the papers near my semi-sedated patient. Not there or anywhere near him. Dumped the apron and quickly ran to the 3rd floor. I became more panicked. I'll miss the grand round and prof will call my name for the student's feedback after it finishes and I won't be there, I bet that would happened to me, just adding the nerves and making more sense to the catastrophic morning I was having.
Reaching the 3rd floor, I went into the the first room from the corridor. I knew I spent some times there in the morning talking to my friend, chances were I might dropped the papers there. With the greatest hopes and prayers, I went in the room, slowly, not to wake the fast asleep patients. I saw my patient who was already up, arranging her tray of coffee and breakfast. She smiled at me, "You left these papers on my table." Paused. My wobbly legs suddenly got strong again. I was overwhelmed with relieves and gratitudes. If I had more times I would give that patient the biggest hug in the world. (But I didn't). So I thanked her and ran my way to the theater. Along the way, I was walking in feelings of total shame; to Him; I didn't dare to lift my face up. How weak I was as a human, and how I have forgotten my duties in the good times, and how easy it is to be put into bad times to be reminded again. I realized that the past nervewrecking 20 minutes of my life had deemed me to fastly connecting myself to my Creator again.
So the day went very well afterwards. No prof didn't called my name after the grand round. And the presentations went smoothly as well, I couldn't be happier. I had greetings and presents for my big day from friends and family near and far, I was sincerely grateful for all of those. But the best gift for the day would be knowing that I still have my chance to ask forgiveness from my God The Almighty and live my life as a Muslim. O'Allah my Lord, let me live and die as one of your Mukmins. Ameen.
Just when I was about to finish my updates I noticed that my small cards were gone, the small cards that I jotted down my patients' details, they were all gone!! How could I be so careless. I started panicking, this won't be good I thought. I literally had to trail back my footsteps for the past hour, from the lower ground floor ICU to the 4th floor. I started panicking really bad. It was the patients' confidential details and also the lines I was going to say in front of prof's face that I worried about. And in that desperate moment I wouldn't be able to think about reconstructing new lines for my presentation. I had to find the papers, oh God the hospital is so big and those papers are so small, and I only have a little time left before the dry rounds began! That moment I knew I was in total hopelessness. I didn't know who to ask help from and what to do. I knew I ONLY had HIM.
I started saying istighfars and asked help from Allah swt. If I had to vote for one moment that I was absolutely powerless, it had to be that one. It felt like I had nothing around me, and only strings attached to my limbs straight to the sky above. Like the string doll. Waiting for my master to move me. I uttered more istighfars. I knew I didn't put my best performance as a muslim lately. I repented and repented more. I moved my feet to the stairs and went to the ICU. Hanged the whitecoat and got into the plastic apron. Searched for the papers near my semi-sedated patient. Not there or anywhere near him. Dumped the apron and quickly ran to the 3rd floor. I became more panicked. I'll miss the grand round and prof will call my name for the student's feedback after it finishes and I won't be there, I bet that would happened to me, just adding the nerves and making more sense to the catastrophic morning I was having.
Reaching the 3rd floor, I went into the the first room from the corridor. I knew I spent some times there in the morning talking to my friend, chances were I might dropped the papers there. With the greatest hopes and prayers, I went in the room, slowly, not to wake the fast asleep patients. I saw my patient who was already up, arranging her tray of coffee and breakfast. She smiled at me, "You left these papers on my table." Paused. My wobbly legs suddenly got strong again. I was overwhelmed with relieves and gratitudes. If I had more times I would give that patient the biggest hug in the world. (But I didn't). So I thanked her and ran my way to the theater. Along the way, I was walking in feelings of total shame; to Him; I didn't dare to lift my face up. How weak I was as a human, and how I have forgotten my duties in the good times, and how easy it is to be put into bad times to be reminded again. I realized that the past nervewrecking 20 minutes of my life had deemed me to fastly connecting myself to my Creator again.
So the day went very well afterwards. No prof didn't called my name after the grand round. And the presentations went smoothly as well, I couldn't be happier. I had greetings and presents for my big day from friends and family near and far, I was sincerely grateful for all of those. But the best gift for the day would be knowing that I still have my chance to ask forgiveness from my God The Almighty and live my life as a Muslim. O'Allah my Lord, let me live and die as one of your Mukmins. Ameen.
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