it ain't easy

I am at the lowest point of insecurity I can ever be. I've been trying my best to tell myself that everything's gonna be OK, but I know it's not easy to lie to the heart, alas a very insecure one. I've been constantly reading to the point where everything just fly through and nothing makes sense anymore. It's really hard, and amusing at one point. If you wanna experience how it feels like being doped - without the actual drugs - try doing a constant reading for more than 15 hours. At the end you'll feel that your head expands triple the size, pulsating hard, and straight lines became all swirly and jiggy. It's an impulse to finish the big bars of chocolate each time the worrisome thoughts crossed over the mind. The territories of dark circles under the eyes had gone bigger too, and my inner cheeks now have huge blisters - I think I grind my cheeks in my sleep. Please don't feel discouraged any of you who's considering medicine as a future career, i'Allah we'll make enough money to buy those posh products to do the corrections later. Hah, kidding~

On top of everything, the best part of going through this is realizing how hopeless and helpless I am without the love of Allah SWT. If I were guaranteed the kind of results I want, I know I wouldn't be as much dependent as I am to Him now. I started to realize the things that I did all my life, and things that I didn't do, and prayed hard that He'd have mercy and forgive me for everything. It's true that hardship makes you become closer to your Creator, and I'm hoping that I'll always do, be it in ease or difficulty.

The next 3 weeks will be few of the most intricate weeks of my life. I pray that I'll survive this unbroken.

I need your prayers and supports I really do.