recrudescence of a procrastinator

it happens to me all the times when i'm facing the day, that i put on words in my head to describe the flow of the day that i'd like to write here in this blog, but in the end they just disappear left me no clue on what should i write when i finally have my time alone with my laptop on. i've been planning to write on a lot of things, but when i started writing here, i just drifted away to write on something else. quick list of things i planned to write about, but i failed to (not yet)

+ Maulidurrasul, 12 Rabiulawal 1425. in my 20 years and few months of life, that was the first time i really dug in the true meaning of maulidurrasul (alhamdulillah He finally showed me the way). that brought me to really realize how little i was before in knowing and understanding about my own religion, my own Saviour of the Ummah. all these while i thought i knew about faith, the truth is i just follow what people taught me, with little understandings and little thoughts being put on. islam ikutan bukan islam penghayatan. i was weak, and i'm ashamed of myself for that. and i'm still weak now. good Lord give me the strenght to move on.

like a friend of mine said
" menyambut Rasulullah bererti dengan melaksanakan apa yang dilakukan baginda dan menjauhi yang dilarang."

bukan sekali setahun saja.

+ Happy Mother's Day (so belated, but i cheerish this day everyday in me), my everdearest Mak. actually we celebrated this (people in Ireland) way before people in Msia and US celebrated it. i couldn't really remember the exact date (near March was it?) but nvm. i've been thinking about Mak and myself, how i am nearly my mother now. yes i am slowly becoming my mom, for every little thing that i see in Mak, i can see them coming out of me now.

i used to make some light jokes with Ola on how paranoid Mak was when she was on the road driving, one time she pulled out at the side of a road when she saw few big lorries trailed her car behind. and Mak would put on face when i mentioned that in front of her, denying that she actually did that, saying that she's improved and she can really drive like a pro now. yes it's true, she is. and now i AM eating my own words, as i AM paranoid on the road, i really do. i never drive since i had my license, eventhough i already have my full license now. it's not fear, it's my problem in recognizing the roads and places that kept myself unconvinced on the road. whenever Mak asked me to put my hands on the wheels, i kept reasoning her about this, and she could really give me the grin, the whose-laughing-now grin. serves me right. at least Mak tried to drive (or she had to) initially after she had her license eventhough she had few episodes that we could really laugh about. i never did. that really put me to the bottommost of the list now.

i could never be more insecure than my mother. now i could really understand her feelings whenever she tells me not to go to this place, to take precautions before going, to really think about any possible things that could happen at that place; the list never ends. i know now how insecure she is whenever it comes to food, that every small particles of food that she ingested being part of her body. i can really understand them all now. and again i think i'm much worst than her. now i don't even want to move out staying at an area where there's no Msian people living there, or less Msian people living there. and i could go really paranoid before going on a trip, thinking to the most extremes, when they all turned out to be OK. basically, i am afraid of changes until i am convinced that they would bring no harms to me. almost the same like Mak. hopefully i won't go any worse.

those are the two most obvious changes that i noticed in me, and there's few minors that i got by adaptation. like i teach myself to really like chocolate biscuits or cakes with the orange taste in them (ie Jaffa Cakes), like Mak always loves to. i used to make fun of this, saying that during her times, there weren't too many manufacturers that do flavourings other than orange (berries, or peaches) that she only likes to eat everything orange. orange chocolate biscuits, orange soft drinks, orange cakes. (now u know how we like to make fun of Mak at home, haha, that's part of our jobs in the house other than argueing amongst us). but here in Ireland, i learn to like stuff with oranges, this brought me closer to Mak. i want to taste what she's tasting. i want to be like her.

now i really2 feel like flying home.

+ i went for a hiking trip at Doolin, County Clare on the 21st March. it was simply an unimaginable experience and i nearly cried on the day we went back to Dublin. i was brought up by the coast, and they all came back to me when we were there. the view, the place, though it was prettier in Doolin, but i really miss the beach near our home in Tganu. Eamonn (my Irish friend) used to tell me how he can never live in other places than his home now which is in Portmarnock, a simply breathtaking place by the sea not very far from Dublin's City (i went there with few friends not long ago). he once moved out to live with other friends in the city but he moved back home with his parents, saying that he simply can't live away from the sea (or was he just couldn't live away from his parents :p). he said they all agreed that, the people that's living by the sea, they never can live in other places. i agreed on that too! but my good side is i can teach myself to, i'm not restricting myself on that (daa, how am i living now if i couldn't?). i would like to talk more on this trip, hope i have the chance to. later huh.

they are all more or less the things i thot of saying here before, but i kept reasoning of my lacking of time. (yeah you big PROCRASTINATOR). i'd love to talk more about my clinical life in the hospital now which i enjoy very much, but again, hope i have the time to.

+ yeah i think i'm digging into surgery now. this is so not like me! time will tell...

i've got to start studying now. gosh why is the MOMENTUM's not here yet.